Juno: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Apr 19th, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
This script was featured as a Cracked.com Guest Column. If you want to see it over there, follow this link.
FADE IN:
EXT. SOME SMALL TOWN
ELLEN PAGE guzzles SUNNY D as some obnoxious INDIE SONG blares in the background so that everyone knows that this is an intellectual, independent film.
She enters a convenience store and meets RAINN WILSON.
ELLEN PAGE
I need to use the bathroom, as I’ve been downing delicious, high-quality Sunny Delight for the past hour.
RAINN WILSON
Sunny Delight? You mean the delicious orange-flavored drink containing a full day’s supply of vitamin C in every serving?
ELLEN PAGE
That’s right! I found it in the fridge, behind the purple stuff! Now relinquish the bathroom key geeves, I for shizz need to spout.
RAINN WILSON
I can barely understand you. Is there a reason you’re talking like what seems like a teenager designed by a committee of adults that have researched youth by watching MTV around the clock?
ELLEN PAGE
Yes, and you better start talking like that too or you’ll have no place in the movie, Dwight.
RAINN WILSON
Oh, er, uh, I mean that’s one doodle that can’t be undid homeskillet oh my god I need a new agent.
ELLEN PAGE
You’re so quirky! And so am I!
ELLEN pisses on a pregnancy test and it tells her that she’s PREGNANT as well as PRECOCIOUS.
ELLEN PAGE
This sucks. The only thing left to do is walk home morosely while yet another obnoxious indie song blares.
ELLEN walks home, then calls her friend OLIVIA THIRLBY.
ELLEN PAGE
Hey Olivia. So I’m pregs for real.
OLIVIA THIRLBY
OhMyGodLikeForRealForRealPregs?
ELLEN PAGE
Holy crap, what the hell are you saying? Did someone encrypt your copy of the script or something?
OLIVIA THIRLBY
YouShouldTotallyGetAnAToTheBortion.
ELLEN PAGE
Yeah. First I need you to help me salvage the chair I lost my virginity in, which is on a lawn for some reason that is almost definitely quirky.
They take the chair, then ELLEN sets up an entire living room set in front of MICHAEL CERA’S HOME.
MICHAEL CERA
Ellen, hey. I like the couch on my front sidewalk, it’s incredibly quirky of you.
ELLEN PAGE
Yeah, well I’m pretty quirky.
MICHAEL CERA
So what are you doing here? Do you need someth-
ELLEN PAGE
Wait, hold on. Your track team is about to come running by and I need to do a voice over narration for no particularly reason, even though I only do it like three more times in the entire movie.
ELLEN PAGE (V.O.)
Whenever I see the track team, I can’t help but picture their penises, because doing so allows me to explain that fact in a voice over narration that I can end with the very hip term “pork swords.”
ELLEN PAGE
Alright, sorry about that. What were we talking about? Oh right, I’m pregnant and it’s yours.
MICHAEL CERA
Rather than freak the hell out like a typical high school student, I’m going to sputter around for words awkwardly and barely finish complete sentences. It’s kind of my thing.
ELLEN calls an ABORTION CLINIC to make an appointment.
CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
Crimson River Abortion Clinic, how may I help you?
ELLEN PAGE
Hi. I’d like to make an appointment for an abortion. Oh wait hang on my Hamburger Phone is acting up.
(shakes phone)
Alright, there we go.
CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
Alright, well just come in any time and we can tak-
ELLEN PAGE
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don’t think you heard me. I’m talking on a HAMBURGER PHONE. How zany is that? That’s for shizz quirky.
ELLEN goes to the CLINIC and signs in. Another INDIE SONG blares over the scene to make sure you remember that you are supporting INDEPENDENT CINEMA by watching this movie.
CLINIC RECEPTIONIST
Please sign in here. Do you want a free condom? They make my boyfriend’s penis taste like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
ELLEN PAGE
Wow, what a completely quirky and inappropriate thing to say to a complete stranger!
CLINIC RECEPTIONIST
I know, right!?
ELLEN suddenly runs out of the CLINIC and visits her friend OLIVIA.
OLIVIA THIRLBY
WhatAreYouDoingOhMiGod?
ELLEN PAGE
I decided I want to keep the baby so that I can star in a wholly overrated independent film about a teenager giving her baby to a childless couple.
ELLEN sits down to talk to her father and stepmother.
ELLEN PAGE
So, I’m pregnant.
J.K. SIMMONS
WHAT YOU’RE FUCKING 16 WHAT THE FU-
ELLEN PAGE
Dad, you’re in an indie flick, remember?
J.K. SIMMONS
Oh right. Sorry, I didn’t mean to blow up, I meant to make a dry, sarcastic remark.
ALLISON JANNEY
And I’d like to follow that up with a second barb.
ELLEN PAGE
It’s Michael Cera’s. The kid from Arrested Development.
J.K. SIMMONS
Huh. I didn’t think he had it in him.
ELLEN PAGE
What, sperm?
ELLEN goes ahead with her pregnancy and the movie SAVED plays out with fewer JOKES and more PRETENTIOUSNESS.
ELLEN finds a couple to adopt her kid: JASON BATEMAN and JENNIFER GARNER. ELLEN goes to meet them.
JENNIFER GARNER
We’re so happy you’d consider us despite the fact that I starred in Elektra.
JASON BATEMAN
So who is the father of the little bastard?
ELLEN PAGE
Oh, just this awkward, typecast kid at school named Michael Cera.
JASON BATEMAN
No shit? He played my son on Arrested Development. I look forward to the scene in this movie that reunites us for the first time since the show was canceled, which is sure to be a real pleasure for fans.
That scene NEVER HAPPENS. ELLEN agrees to give her kid to JENNIFER and JASON.
TIME PASSES and MORE INDIE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS. ELLEN goes through the various scenes that movies about pregnant people are obligated to include.
She visits JASON BATEMAN.
JASON BATEMAN
Hey Ellen. Want to watch some indie horror films and listen to some indie music together?
ELLEN PAGE
That sounds great! I sure hope that watching the movie isn’t interrupted by me having to go puke my guts out, sweaty and hunched over the toilet.
(pause)
Just kidding, none of that crap happens in the movie. Pregnancy is easy-peasy.
JASON BATEMAN
Well, I have good news. I’m leaving Jennifer Garner.
ELLEN PAGE
Why, because your marriage to her has robbed you of your youth, which you have been reminded of since you started hanging around with me?
JASON BATEMAN
No, I just rented 13 Going On 30. I can’t even look at her now. Has she been in anything good?
ELLEN PAGE
Oh. Because if it was the other thing, then you could take notice of the fact that I remind you of your younger days despite the fact that my current predicament requires a level of maturity far beyond my years, and you could enjoy the contrast between our situations that is ironically illustrated by having us both get along so well.
JASON BATEMAN
How artistic!
ELLEN PAGE
You’re goddamn right it is! Bring on the Oscars!
LIVEJOURNAL: THE MOVIE continues. JASON abandons JENNIFER GARNER. ELLEN page gives birth while some more INDIE MUSIC plays.
JENNIFER GARNER
Yay, now I get to raise an adopted kid in a broken home so that I can be overly protective and insane.
ELLEN PAGE
And I passed all of my classes and everything! Pregnancy is as unobtrusive as it is without consequence!
MICHAEL CERA
So now that you popped the kid out, I think we’re in love with each other. What should we do to express our love? Make out? Have sex again? Go buy seasons one through three of Arrested Development?
ELLEN PAGE
Have you been watching a different movie? We should play yet more indie music together.
They DO. EVERYONE convinces themselves they loved the movie so that they don’t feel STUPID.
END
I love all the responses saying, “Omg ur stupid Juno was great don’t make fun of it!11″ Sigh.
April 19th, 2008 at 9:53 amThis was my favorite comment:
“Diablo Cody, despite being “quirky” has more writing talent in her left testicle than rod hilton has in in whole scrotum.”
This means that Diablo is approximately twice as talented as me (assuming she and I share similarly sized male genitalia). She won an oscar, so that’s pretty badass. Er, I mean, WIZARD. No, BOSS.
April 19th, 2008 at 10:01 amHalf the time I find the comments funnier (the “at them” kind of funny) then the articles at Cracked. And to think, I would have never even known about that site if it wasn’t for Rod and this site.
April 19th, 2008 at 10:29 amI really like Cracked’s articles, but the comments…oh godddd, they’re definitely right up there with GameFAQs posts and Youtube comments as the dumbest around. Great script.
April 19th, 2008 at 11:03 amYeah, the comments there are /facepalm inducing. I especially love the ones that say, “Hey, if you can make fun of this movie this way, why not make fun of EVERY MOVIE!!” Way to go, morons. You’re on to something.
April 19th, 2008 at 11:06 amIf anything, I love the comments that are practically three paragraphs long about how Rod just shouldn’t write anything about movies that are bad (”If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” was kinda taken too literal) when he actually gave the movie 4/5 stars…haha.
Great script, I know a bunch of my readers are going to enjoy it when I link it.
April 19th, 2008 at 2:12 pmstop selling out, you
April 19th, 2008 at 3:18 pmGood stuff, but in no way shape or form is Saved better/less pretentious/more joke-filled than Juno.
April 19th, 2008 at 3:50 pmGreat script. And yes, this is the most overrated movie of 2007.
April 19th, 2008 at 6:38 pmSad to see this on Digg and the users not giving Rod any credit. To them just another Cracked article. Maybe submit each of your posts to digg by yourself? It could give you a lot more traffic.
April 20th, 2008 at 12:42 amYeeeeah that pretty much sums it up. The only other film I can think of that is as in-your-face indie would be Garden State. Poor effort by Jason Reitman.
April 20th, 2008 at 2:56 amGreat script. Some of the Cracked comments are pretty dumb, they didn’t seem to spot that although you ripped into the movie, you still gave it four stars. That’s pretty much how I feel about it, I kind of enjoyed it, but at the same time felt it was too ‘quirky’ for it’s own good, had horribly inappropriate use of music, and was not nearly as good as was hyped. It could have comfortably been released in the mid-90s. Also as you pointed out, every character seemed to very deliberately act not-as-you-would-immediately-expect-them-to (e.g. Juno’s parents not getting mad, Michael Cera not freaking out) as if to show how different and original the movie was, rather than out of any attempt to be true to life.
April 20th, 2008 at 4:10 amFours stars???
April 20th, 2008 at 5:38 amI agree with the script, not the rating! In the script you pointed out everything that is wrong with this movie, and that’s why I wouldn’t give it more than 2.5 stars.
Hello Rod
Well… I’ve been waiting for you to do this one for some time, and on first read, it certainly doesn’t disappoint.
I especially enjoyed your references to 13 Going On 30, the product placement (The Sunny D joke was enough - you were right not to repeat the joke with a jibe about Tic Tacs later on) and also the way you mocked the opening. I really felt the film was overdoing it just a tad with the quirkiness and indie music. (And the thing is, I love that kind of music, especially Belle & Sebastian!)
Re: my opinion about the movie, well, I’m just about in agreement with LiquidCow and yourself. A very likable film that’s sadly been hyped up to seem much better than it is.
Anyway, good work. I’m surprised you missed out on the opportunity to stick in a reference to Once at the end, though… (Like Juno, it’s an enjoyable indie film that’s unfortunately invited a huge backlash due to the hype surrounding it.)
April 20th, 2008 at 7:25 amHey, loved the Juno script, but Cloverfield clearly won the poll, and I was really waiting for you to pull that apart.
Keep it up though.
-Tom
April 20th, 2008 at 8:57 amGot tired of reading it halfway through. Must’ve been a boring movie. Well done, Rod.
April 20th, 2008 at 2:31 pmGreat script Rod! I for one am glad that you didn’t do Cloverfield since the commercials basically show you how lame the movie is anyway. It’s basically Blair Witch with budget.
April 20th, 2008 at 3:55 pmWhat do you mean by popular demand? Cloverfield won. I really wanted to see your version.
I thought it was a great movie, if you wanted to do Juno, you should’ve just done Juno, and not bothered with a poll.
April 20th, 2008 at 11:30 pmYou going to put a copy up here as well?
April 21st, 2008 at 1:36 amCracked is blocked by my work filter and I can’t be bothered to wait till I get home to read this…
The Oscar “Diablo” Cody received is the biggest and cruelest joke ever played on a single person by a major institution in the history of dark humor. I wonder if she caught it?
Also, Crimson River Abortion Clinic FTW.
April 21st, 2008 at 3:06 amTom, Brad:
As I explain on the other post about the poll, I’m doing both. I just did Juno first.
April 21st, 2008 at 6:22 amDammit, cracked is blocked at work…will have to wait…
April 21st, 2008 at 7:34 amFor the folks who have cracked blocked at work, can you see if this link works?
April 21st, 2008 at 7:42 amReally not one of your best scripts, Rod. Needed some proof reading too.
April 21st, 2008 at 8:51 amNo it doesn’t work Rod. At least for me…
April 21st, 2008 at 3:09 pmJASON BATEMAN
No shit? He played my son on Arrested Development. I look forward to the scene in this movie that reunites us for the first time since the show was canceled, which is sure to be a real pleasure for fans.
That scene NEVER HAPPENS.
—
My thoughts exactly. I kept watching this twaddle waiting for Bateman and Cera to reunite, and..sigh.
April 21st, 2008 at 9:44 pmWhoops. Just saw that now. I retract my previous statement.
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:19 amAndy;
“I kept watching this twaddle waiting for Bateman and Cera to reunite, and…sigh.”
Don’t you get it, dude? If that HAD happened, then it would have made Juno less quirky and indie, because it would have given you EXACTLY what you expected! Plus, the Academy would have seen right through the crowd-pleasing attempt, and would never have given Diablo Cody an Oscar! ;-)
By the way, I actually liked Juno, but still laughed out loud at your script, Rod! Good job!
Man, I’m suddenly thirsty for some Sunny-D…
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:50 am“Crimson River Abortion Clinic, how may I help you?” and “LIVEJOURNAL: THE MOVIE continues. ” are my favorite lines.
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:31 pmFor the folks who have cracked blocked at work, can you see if this link works?
Or you could just STOP SELLING OUT
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:40 pmRyan;
I don’t think Rod’s selling out by having his Juno script linked to Cracked’s page. While it is a surprise and a MILD inconvenience to have to jump to a site I never visit, the whole point of the exercise(or at least part of it) is to drive more new readers to this site, which is understandable. It’s the reason he allows us to put links for our own sites up obviously, in the hopes we’ll reciprocate and tell whatever readers/fans we have about The Editing Room.
If Rod were “selling out” as you put it, that would mean he’d have to be getting PAID to do so, and more than likely, have to link his newer scripts to Cracked’s home page on a continual basis…and from the explanatory blurb on said page, it doesn’t seem that way. I could be wrong of course, only Rod knows for sure. It’s his site to do with as he pleases, and he’ll inform us if he wants to.
The short take: It’s a FREE site, and we don’t have to pay him for the continual laughs he gives to us, which HE DOESN’T HAVE TO.
Chill, man.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:55 amEven if he were getting paid for it, who cares? Why should he starve to death? As long as the quality of his writing doesn’t take a nosedive.
Read the script at home, slackers.
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:37 amAm I the only one who wasn’t either expecting to see Jason Bateman and Michael Cera reunited or disappointed that it didn’t happen? I’m a big Arrested Development fan, but their characters in this movie were clearly not going to meet.
Also, did anyone else read that retarded article where some guy went on about how he didn’t believe in the film because he didn’t think Juno was the kind of girl guys at that age would want to sleep with?
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:37 amI only went to see the film because Arrested Development was awesome and now I’m compelled to see everything Michael Cera is in- the poor, typecast bastard. I enjoyed the film but mostly because of all the supporting characters! Juno/Ellen Page/Whatever just dug under my skin and the only believable thing about that snotty teenager is that I wanted to shake and slap her!
I’m glad I’m not the only one who didn’t appreciate the obnoxious musical assault. Thanks, filmmakers, whereas I was ambivalent to indie rock before now I know that I DESPISE it.
April 23rd, 2008 at 5:42 amJust so everyone knows, I didn’t get paid squat for the Cracked thing.
They paid me for that article I wrote for them a while back (since it was specifically for them), but this was just a thing they do to help drive traffic to the sites of people who write for them.
It worked by the way. I normally get 1,000 visits per day, and on Saturday I got 8,500. Sunday I got 10,000. Then it dropped back down.
If I’m selling out, I’m doing a shitty job of it, since I’m not making any money at all. I just want more people visiting the site.
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:23 amDammit Rod, START selling out so you can stop working on anything else but the scripts!
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:47 amSeriously. Nothing but TER all the time would be awesome, for us readers anyway.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:41 pmSell out of you want, Rod. Unless you brand yourself as some sort of “starving artiste” I don’t care if you want to make money. I have enjoyed reading your scripts for years, and it’s about time you start getting paid for them =P.
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:30 pmSorry, I just like to accuse of selling out first and ask questions later
April 23rd, 2008 at 4:17 pmWhy did Cracked take this script? Its not really funny.
Its WAY to similar to lots of other scripts on the site, you need to start thinking up more jokes.
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:57 pmHow would the Cracked thing be “selling out,” anyway? Even if Cracked suddenly hired him to write scripts 100% of the time, on their site only, he’d only be selling out if he was compromising his values or artistic vision in doing so. Getting paid doesn’t equate to “selling out,” it just equates to “selling.”
April 24th, 2008 at 1:48 pmRod,
April 25th, 2008 at 6:40 amRE: post 23, that link is also blocked for me.
Rod, this script is awesome. Hopefully you’re ranking in all that internet money.
April 25th, 2008 at 7:32 pmJordan,
I stood in line with Tay Zonday and the Tron Guy but didn’t get squat. Ah well.
April 25th, 2008 at 8:23 pmI saw Juno because a friend told me I’d like it since I loved Superbad. I don’t know what the hell that friend was thinking.
Very overrated movie. Your version is a great read. Funny stuff.
April 25th, 2008 at 8:37 pmNice script overall; it’s always fun to see you rip into movies that you actually like (4/5 stars). I kind of felt the same way - I really enjoyed it but some of the quirkiness (Rainn Wilson’s entire role, “Honest to blog”) makes me want to rip out my ears.
April 27th, 2008 at 12:49 pmOh and speaking of not making money, I hear Adsense ads do better when they’re on the left side of the page. Some psychological B.S.
April 27th, 2008 at 12:51 pmThe reason ads do better on the left is because of a) surfers like me, and b) the West’s left-to-right mentality.
I don’t surf the web with a HUGE window. I leave it open @ about 800pix or something so I can still work with and see other windows behind the current one. Most pages fit fine, but the ones that are too wide don’t fit (like this one). well since when the page loads it will load in such a way as to show the upper-left corner as the starting point… ads on the right side don’t get seen ;-).
Works well as an impromptu ad-blocker on most sites!
April 28th, 2008 at 11:57 amHello again Rod
Just back from Iron Man - that film DEFINITELY deserves to be abridged.
Also, another thought on the final line in this script (”Everyone convinced themselves they loved the movie…”) - I believe that works better as a dig at pretentious indie flicks in general than Juno itself. It’s just, for me anyway, that didn’t apply to Juno; I ignored the critics and made up my own mind.
As opposed to Lost In Translation, which is a far more pretentious “indie” than this.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:50 pmRod:
Concerning Guest Scripts - A possible way to do it would be to “hire” a proxy reader to go through all of the submissions and select the ones that 1) adhere to posted guidelines, and 2) contain maximum laffs. That way, it isn’t your job to sift through mountains and mountains of shit in order to pick out some good ones, nor is it your responsibility to explain to them why their script got rejected. BLAME IT ON THE PROXY WHO WORKS FOR FREE
Either that or we could just leave the scriptin in the hands of the expert (you). But just a thought.
May 6th, 2008 at 3:51 amsome other funny movie riffs:
The Godfather - OH, we get Francis Ford Coppola, we’ll all slowly turn into our parents, one moral compromise after another. GEE, way to capture the zeitgeist of the 70s. OH, and shattering our naive childhood recieved notions about the 50s, wow, how POMO.
THX1138 - Yeah, we read Nietzche our Freshman year, too. Prick.
The Seventh Sign - WOW, how original - a pale guy in black cloak. THINK HE COULD BE DEATH, MAYBE. Oh, and they’re playing a game with death, no I mean LITERALLY playing a game with death. Why don’t you just shove a little more visual metaphor into your movie, Ingmar, I don’t feel enough like I’m in a Metallica video.
The Children of Paradise - Oh, so the interim pantomimes between episodes show what’s going to happen next, gee it took my little sister 5 minutes to figure that out, before getting bored and watching Tilla Tequila on her IPOD. “But forshadowing is so artistic”, yeah right, why don’t you just add a deux-ex-machina already. BTW, mimes are totally gay.
Metropolis - Why not just call it ROSA LUXEMBOURG IN SPACE!?! You know Fritz Lang, we’re not stupid. And the fight on top of the rotting church, yeah way to show the degradation of European civilization after the first World War. Hey, you know what would have been better? Having your characters fight on top of a CGI pile of feces labeled “WEIMAR REPUBLIC”. Just go for the juggular, why don’t you.
May 9th, 2008 at 11:57 amThere’s only one “G” in jugular.
May 10th, 2008 at 11:42 pm