"What are you DOING?! Gasoline doesn't go on Cheerios! That's for Raisin Bran ONLY!"


"What are you DOING?! Gasoline doesn't go on Cheerios! That's for Raisin Bran ONLY!"

INTO THE FOREST

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. FANCY WOODS HOUSE

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE is at his NEAR-FUTURISTIC FANCY HOUSE in the FOREST with his two daughters ELLEN PAGE and EVAN RACHEL WOOD.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Ah, sure is nice here in the near future with our slightly advanced technology. What do you want to do today, girls?

ELLEN PAGE

Gotta study for my SATs! Because 29-year-olds take SATs, right?

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

I'm prepping for my dance audition, and I'm ALSO a 29-year-old playing a teenager for some reason!

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

At least you match. Anyway, I was thinking maybe we'd burst into song while subverting fairy tale cliches--

ELLEN PAGE

That's Into the Woods, Dad.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Oh yeah. I meant, let's hike to Alaska and live off the land, directed by Sean Penn until finally dying of--

ELLEN PAGE

Nope, Into the Wild.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Right. Shit. What about taking hand-held footage of a natural disaster-

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Into the Storm.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

FUCK. So what the hell is this movie about?

ELLEN PAGE

It's a gripping post-apocalyptic tale of survival! Although it's a Canadian apocalypse so it'll happen very quietly and politely off in the background. But we'll lose ALL OUR NEAR-FUTURE TECHNOLOGY!!

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Oh no!

(pause)

But if we're losing all our tech, why bother making it near-futuristic in the first--

ELLEN PAGE

Who knows! So, to kick things off... wait a sec... oh God, my sister is Evan Rachel WOOD. In this movie called Into the FOREST. Jesus fucking Christ people.

(facepalms)

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Yeah well your name is PAGE which is made of PAPER which comes from WOOD... okay yes, I'm reaching.

EXT. BEACH

ELLEN goes to a TEEN FIRE-PIT BEACH PARTY where a bunch of TEENS bounce around doing TEEN STUFF and she meets up with her TEEN BOYFRIEND MAX MINGHELLA who is THIRTY YEARS OLD. Eventually CALLUM and EVAN arrive to pick her up.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

C'mon Ellen, enough wackily getting shitfaced for one night! Try not to puke all over the jeep or die of alcohol poisoning! Ha ha ha, I'm such a cool dad.

INT. BACK AT THE HOUSE

Everything's all normal but then the POWER GOES OUT!!

ELLEN PAGE

Oh shit! I can't use the slightly advanced computer! I'm not getting a mildly futuristic signal on my modestly enhanced cell phone!

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Hm. Well, don't panic, girls. I'm sure it'll be okay, after all it's only been...

(checks superimposed title on bottom of screen)

...EIGHT DAYS?!? Fuck, we're still acting pretty chill about this. I thought it had been like five hours. Anyway, I won't let anything happen to you.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Seriously? Have you seen the posters or the marketing? The goddamn On-Demand plot summary says "Two girls must survive, etc". TWO GIRLS. No mention of you ANYWHERE.

ELLEN PAGE

Yeah, even without all that it's painfully obvious you're gonna die. Just a question of how. Maybe my seemingly trustworthy boyfriend will prove to be evil?

(arches eyebrow)

MICHAEL EKLUND

Or me, the super-creepazoid store clerk from town?

(arches eyebrow)

OMINOUS BIKER GANG

Or us, the ominous biker gang?!?

(arch eyebrows)

DIRECTOR PATRICIA ROZEMA

That's right audience, ANY of these threats might be the one that takes down Callum Keith Rennie! Place your bets now!

(spins carnival wheel)

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

C'mon, let's not write me off just yet. Besides if we sense danger we'll take off in the jeep.

ELLEN PAGE

Oh, that would be the jeep where I left the hatchback wide open? Draining the battery completely overnight? Shame that our slightly futuristic tech didn't extend to having a simple low-battery-cutoff switch for the interior lighting.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

No problem. See, I can modify our chainsaw to start the engine with! Just need to take off a few screws, and the safety guard, then attach these live grenades, and coat the whole thing with C4 and seeping dynamite. Okay then, here we

(explodes)

INT. FANCY WOODS HOUSE -- SOME TIME LATER

ELLEN and EVAN bravely try to carry on in their huge swanky fancy forest mansion.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Must dance! Must keep dancing! Oh if only I had music to listen to! C'mon Ellen, can't we use just a BIT of our gasoline reserves to power my stereo?

ELLEN PAGE

Society has fallen to shit and that gasoline is the most precious thing we have. And what if Canada devolves into some kind of "Malcontent Max: Disappointment Road" scenario?!? I know we're supposed to be teenagers but are we really going to argue about blasting the stereo or not?!?

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

I'm sick of listening to nothing but my stupid metronome! Fuck that stupid fucking thing! Stupid mechanical device that doesn't need electricity or gasoline to function! Fuck you SO HARD

(smashes perfectly functioning mechanical device)

ELLEN PAGE

Evan, please, we have to keep our heads! We have to focus on survival and sticking together and OHMIGOD MY BOYFRIEND'S OUTSIDE LATER SIS

Sure enough MAX MINGHELLA has arrived! He and ELLEN engage in some SEXYTIMES.

MAX MINGHELLA

So it turns out, I'm actually not evil. But my friends and I have decided we're walking to Boston, and depending how far that is, we are probably total fucking idiots. Wanna come with?

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

(checks script)

Shit, we're supposed to be in North California? And you want to walk to BOSTON?! Fuck that.

ELLEN PAGE

But Evan... I love him! I truly do!

(crying)

I know we promised Dad we'd always look out for each other. But I have to go with him, I must follow my heart. My mind's made up, this is farewell... maybe forever!

(sobs)

Goodbye my sister, goodbyeeeeeee....

(takes two steps)

Ah fuck this EVVAAAAAN I'VE RETUUURRNNNNNED

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

(rushing forward)

ELLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNN OH LET US NEVERMORE BE PARRTEEEDD

(embraces)

MAX MINGHELLA

(blinks)

(looks around)

(fucks off)

INT. THE HOUSE -- SOME TIME LATER

ELLEN does a HOME JUNO PREQUEL PREGNANCY TEST and goes to find EVAN.

ELLEN PAGE

Good news, sis, I'm not pregnant! So my hope that I wouldn't have to give birth in this crappy situation, came true! And since dramatic irony never happens in movies, that'll be the end of THAT concern, I'm sure.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

I'm worried that we're running out of food. Almost everything to eat is gone--

ELLEN PAGE

(scarfing down chocolates)

Yerf! Mlph! Sure ish! Terphhble shmme

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

--and I don't know what to do next, all we have are these shelves full of books on all kinds of subjects including gardening and cooking and identifying plants and wilderness survival and WAAAAAAIIIIIT A SECOND

They read the BOOKS and learn about harvesting BERRIES! They collect lots of YUMMY BERRIES and start making JAMS and JELLIES with them! ELLEN goes out for more BERRIES while EVAN begins setting out pastry strips as part of a truly delicious torte recipe that is surprisingly quick and easy to make, and will make you the talk of your social circle. First, heat your non-futuristic oven to-

MICHAEL EKLUND

(arriving)

Um yeah, it's me, the creepy rapegazing store clerk, full of rape? Just to remind everyone this is an apocalypse movie, not a Country Kitchen marathon? So yeah, since Callum's dead, guess we have to get the OTHER depressingly inevitable plot point over with.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

(sighs)

Yeah.

The rape scene HAPPENS. And HAPPENS. And KEEPS ON HAPPENING because what Canadian post-apocalyptic dramas lack in EXPLOSIONS and PYROTECHNICS, they try to make up for in GUT-WRENCHING BRUTALITY.

INT. HOUSE -- SOME TIME LATER

EVAN and ELLEN sit sombrely in their kitchen.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Whelp, thanks to you setting up the first Dramatic Irony bookend, I'm pregnant now. However, since my health has nosedived, the entire house is being overtaken by mold and rot, and our meagre supplies are almost exhausted, I've decided to keep the baby.

ELLEN PAGE

Damn, we need to find you some proper protein. But where to find it, all we have is a loaded rifle and an idly wandering group of wild pigs nearby and WAAAAAAAAAIIIIT A SECOND

ELLEN manages to zanily shoot some PIGS in a comical way, and they EAT them, hurray! But on the day the baby is due a HUGE DRAMATIC RAINSTORM happens!

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Aargh, the house-rot opened a big hole in the roof! It's not safe, we need to go to our childhood tree-trunk hideout!

ELLEN PAGE

How is THAT better? The dance studio is a separate building, we could go there! Or fuck, even the back of the jeep would offer more shelter.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

WE NEED SYMBOLISM DAMMIT OR THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK, COME THE FUCK ON

They cram themselves into the TREE TRUNK and there's THUNDER and LIGHTNING and CHILDBIRTH!

ELLEN PAGE

Remember audience, count the seconds between each contraction and the thunder, it tells you how far away the dramatic resolution is!

EXT. THE NEXT MORNING

The storm PASSES and the two sisters EMERGE from the tree-trunk.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Despite everything having gone super shittily for us all movie, I'm not dead! How's my baby?

ELLEN PAGE

Also, surprisingly, not dead! In fact, he looks healthy!

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

Phew!

(pause)

Right, let's burn down the entire house and everything in it.

ELLEN PAGE

Huh? Okay yes the structure is in bad shape, but we could move things into the studio. We're gonna need everything we have to stay alive and care for the baby.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD

But someone might FIND us! Okay yes, they could also find us without the house, and we'd just have less protection and shelter. But, on the other hand, symbolism?

ELLEN PAGE

Can't argue with that. Okay, splash gasoline on everything! Even maps and books that we might need someday! Be sure to splash wildly so we get tons of gas on ourselves too!

The sisters BURN DOWN THE ENTIRE FUCKING HOUSE and leave their old lives behind, as they turn away bravely to forge a new existence and walk determinedly... INTO THE WOODS INTO THE STORM INTO THE WILD INTO THE GLOSS UNDER THE WEATHER OVER THE RAINBOW BEHIND THE MUSIC GODDAMMIT INTO THE FOREST.

END

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