"Lah. Luh. If we keep this up, we'll win the Grand Jury Prize at Cannes."


"Lah. Luh. If we keep this up, we'll win the Grand Jury Prize at Cannes."

LOVE (2015)

The Very Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. MOVIE THEATER PLAYING "BLACK PANTHER"

DIRECTOR GASPAR NOE calmly sits in a crowded cinema, ready to watch the movie BLACK PANTHER and give it a completely fair chance.

R+B MUSIC

(starts)

GASPAR NOE

GAH! What is this horror! This film is a reprehensible pile of abstinence and chastity belts! I MUST FLEE THE CINEMA

Having watched all of TWENTY MINUTES, GASPAR "escapes" and does some interviews about what a horrible movie Black Panther was.

This ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

INT. CANNES FILM FESTIVAL, LATER THAT YEAR

GASPAR'S NEW FILM is picked up by A24 so all the SERIOUS FILM STUDENTS better get their asses in the theater seats if they want their dreams of working in A24's mail room to be a reality.

FILM STUDENTS

We better watch Gaspar Noe's other films because he's French or something!

They search GASPAR NOE on Netflix and are surprised when a solid wall of SOFTCORE PORN comes up.

INT. A BEDROOM (YES WE'RE ACTUALLY IN THE MOVIE NOW)

A large PENIS appears on screen, with a naked woman giving it a slow handjob worthy of a Cards Against Humanity card.

GASPAR NOE

Oui oui, I am edgy. I will now conduct several interviews about my love of penises.

The PENIS continues to be on screen. It is twisted to be seen from every available angle. Eventually even those of us who enjoy looking at penises start to get bored. Probably because we were all at IML last weekend.

KARL GLUSMAN

Certainly you're not as bored as me, the man whose penis it actually is. I think I fell asleep during filming.

(wakes up)

Oh shit, that was just a dream! Man, I have some boring sex dreams. Couldn't of hurt to throw a musical number or an acid trip in there? Wait, don't write that down. And don't write an entire movie around that idea.

He wanders around, walking past a giant sign that says the title of the movie.

KARL GLUSMAN

Notice how that sign saying LOVE is right above a giant CAGE, eh, eh? My life feels like a giant CAGE sometimes. Now let me talk some more about LOVE and CAGES and

GASPAR NOE

(paraphrased from actual interview)

Did you know that Americans won't show penises on screen? Like they'll show GUNS on screen, and you can carry a GUN in public, but the most powerful gun of all can't be whipped out and shoot some heavy loads in the middle of a movie theater! Why isn't there a National Cock Association? Does the Liberal Media want to ban your cocks? Has Emmanuel Macron ordered thousands of chastity belts from that Belgian guy to encase your cocks? Was that joke over-researched for accuracy? Will you Google "Belgian Chastity Belts" to find out? Oh huh I left the camera rolling and nothing was happening I guess I better cut to something else.

INT. A VERY RED ROOM

Everything is RED. This is GREAT CINEMATOGRAPHY. It’s also all in ONE TAKE, except for when they cut to black for half a frame and hope all the critics think they blinked or something.

KARL GLUSMAN

My dick is fat. I say this in front of my kid. Or maybe it's voice-over. It's ambiguous.

FILM STUDENTS

(smacking their heads)

Goddamn, AMBIGUITY! That's what I've been missing!

(erases Act 3 on all their short scripts)

There is ANOTHER SEX SCENE. We get to watch a penis enter a vagina, which would be titillating if everyone involved didn't know what porn was. Too bad GASPAR NOE is so vanilla or we could've had ARTHOUSE FIFTY SHADES OF GREY FROM FRANCE.

GASPAR NOE

I'm from Argentina, dingus.

(pause)

Have you ever wondered why "Dock" isn't slang for penis? Like, we have "Dick" and "Cock," why didn't we put them together and make "Dock?" Hey baby, want to ride your raft on my dock. Makes you think, huh?

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - YEARS EARLIER

KARL is in a relationship with AOMI MUYOCK, who is NOT the present-day mother of his kid.

AOMI MUYOCK

Hey let's have a threesome to spice up our sex life.

KARL GLUSMAN

Sleeping with you, a girl named "Electra," is spicy enough for me. Wait, who names their kid "Electra?"

AOMI MUYOCK

But we have to, Karl! That way the condom can break and you can get the wrong girl pregnant and you can marry her and have lots of on-the-nose voice-over about how your LOVE is a CAGE!

KARL GLUSMAN

Nuts to that.

GASPAR NOE

Heh heh. "Nuts."

AOMI MUYOCK

But if we don't have that three-way, the whole movie can't happen!

KARL GLUSMAN

And I'm totally cool with that. We've reached the twenty-minute mark, which according to Gaspar Noe is when you get to turn off a movie and call it a piece of shit in a public forum because you didn't like the goddamn soundtrack.

GASPAR NOE

But it's too late! My movie will show up first whenever someone searches "Love" on Netflix! Judd Apatow? Who's Judd Apatow?

The movie TANKS so GASPAR goes back to making movies about his true passion: drugs.

The penis is in 3D, by the way.

END

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