The Blind Side: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Apr 20th, 2010 |
34 Comments
| Movie: 
"I'm not pulling it, Bullock"
FADE IN:
INT. FILM STUDIO
AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS is having a lunch meeting with DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK.
AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS
So I just finished my book. It’s a 288-page tome about the ways that offensive strategy in football has changed in the last twenty years. It also talks a bit about this guy named Michael Oher who became a pro football player despite having a difficult life.
DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK
Wait, did you say difficult life?
AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS
Yeah, he’s a big black guy that was born into poverty but overcame it.
DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK
DID HE DO IT WITH THE HELP OF WHITE PEOPLE?!
AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS
Actually yeah, but the book–
DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK
SELL ME THE RIGHTS, OSCAR SEASON IS COMING!
AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS
Seriously? How are you going to make a movie about football?
DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK
Foot-what?
INT. HIGH SCHOOL
QUINTON AARON is enrolled in a suburban HIGH SCHOOL. He doesn’t fit in.
QUINTON AARON
I’m so sad. I have to sleep at the school gym. I wish I had something to hug.
He is approached by SANDRA BULLOCK as JULIA ROBERTS as LEIGH ANNE TUOHY.
SANDRA BULLOCK
You should come sleep in my gigantic mansion for the night. Then tomorrow we can make you good at a game that we call “foot ball”.
QUINTON AARON
Wasn’t Michael Oher already good at football before high school? Is portraying me as a stereotypical gentle giant the only way white audiences will find me nonthreatening enough to accept me as a protagonist?
SANDRA BULLOCK
Yep. Along those lines, when I show you your bed, please remember to remark on it being your first bed ever, despite how utterly ridiculous that is.
QUINTON AARON
It’s staggering how Hollywood can manage to make an actual true story seem far-fetched.
QUINTON meets SANDRA’S HUSBAND, TIM MCGRAW, and her two kids, LILY COLLINS and JAE HEAD.
JAE HEAD
Pleased to meet you, I’m literally the worst child actor they could find. Every scene with me is going to test your resolve to not punch me in the face.
LILY COLLINS
This is my only line in the movie despite the fact that the real-life person I’m based on was the only member of this family to make anything approaching an actual sacrifice, dropping out of advanced classes in school to focus on helping you graduate.
TIM MCGRAW
I’m just a walking bottomless wallet for my wife. I’ll just be in the other room if anyone needs money or shitty country music.
SANDRA meets with QUINTON’S TEACHER.
QUINTON’S TEACHER
Quinton scored poorly on math and reading, but he got a 98% on Protective Instincts.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Protective Instincts? What the fuck kind of tests do we have in this state? What was his score on Golden Heartedness? Did he score in the 90th percentile on Overall Cuddliness?
QUINTON’S TEACHER
Given that I’m sharing his confidential student file with someone who doesn’t have power of attorney, I’d say it’s pretty clear that Tennessee’s education system is just full of morons.
SANDRA gets an idea and goes to visit QUINTON on the FOOTBALL FIELD.
COACH FURLEY
Well gawrsh and shucks, I just can’t seem to get Quinton to be good at football!
SANDRA BULLOCK
Quinton, you care about your family, right? Well, pretend the quarterback is your family.
QUINTON AARON
Oh! Click, whirrrrrr. Football talent activated.
(kicks ass at football)
SANDRA BULLOCK
See? All he needed was to be told to give a shit! Football is so easy when you’re a high-heel-wearin’, sass-talkin’ woman! Yee-haw!
COACH FURLEY
Gee-willy-wockers!
QUINTON FOOTBALLS his way out of FROWNING INCESSANTLY. Various COACHES approach him about a scholarship. SANDRA buys him CLOTHES, a TUTOR, and a LUXURY SUV.
QUINTON AARON
Seriously? Is a story about some kid winning the lottery supposed to be uplifting simply because the lottery is played by Miss Congeniality?
SANDRA BULLOCK
I think we should adopt you. But first we need to visit the ghetto to prove to the audience that adopting you means we’re good people.
QUINTON AARON
And vicariously, so are they!
They visit the GHETTO. People are doing CRACK, shooting GUNS, and listening to RAP MUSIC.
SANDRA BULLOCK
See, this is where you’d be if you hadn’t met me. Doesn’t that make you feel great?
QUINTON AARON
Actually it makes me feel like shit. I’m just one person, and the ghetto is filled with people who weren’t lucky enough to be 6′8″ and walk by a rich family in the rain.
SANDRA BULLOCK
I guess I didn’t think of it that way. Luckily, neither will the audience!
SANDRA confronts some DRUG DEALERS.
DRUG DEALER
Quinton, stop playin’ football and deal drugs with me! Tell Speed 2 over there to go fuck herself.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Let’s get one thing straight, mister! I may be a rich woman wearing a lot of jewelry and walking around the ghetto, but I’m also a no-nonsense soccer mom, so I’m expecting the cocky, faux-tough bullshit I pull in my suburban neighborhood will work here as well!
DRUG DEALER
Somehow, it does! Have a nice day, ma’am.
NCAA BUREAUCRAT
Not so fast! I’m not letting this movie get away with having absolutely no tension or conflict. I think Sandra adopted you so that you could play football for her alma mater.
QUINTON AARON
(shocked)
Sandra, is this true!?
SANDRA BULLOCK
No.
NCAA BUREAUCRAT
Oh. Carry on!
Everything ends AWESOMELY! QUINTON becomes a FAMOUS FOOTBALL PLAYER! JAE HEAD manages not to get STRANGLED! The LIFETIME network passes on the screenplay and it somehow gets released to ACTUAL THEATERS!
THE ACADEMY
Wow, we’ve really got to recognize the fantastic writing behind this adapted story about the struggle of a quiet, 300-pound black teenager who overcomes the adversity of an abusive family with the help and encouragement of people who care!
DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK
Oh thank you so much!
THE ACADEMY
What? No, we’re talking about Precious. This movie is saccharine-coated shit. It might be the only Best Picture nominee with a “rotten” rating on Rotten Tomatoes. We’ll give Bullock best actress if it will shut you up, though.
SANDRA BULLOCK
Wow, did I really earn this or did I just wear ya’ll down? Ha ha!
THE ACADEMY
(uncomfortable silence)
SANDRA BULLOCK
Oh. It’s the second one, isn’t it?
END
"Quinton, stop playin’ football and deal drugs with me! Tell Speed 2 over there to go fuck herself."
LMAO! I actually liked the movie, but that was pretty funny.
April 20th, 2010 at 3:59 pm" 98% on Protective Instinct"- THANK YOU! When I watched that part I literally started to scream. What type of test is that for a school? How does one even test for that?
And then I started to wonder… why did he only get 98%? What quesiton did he miss?
April 20th, 2010 at 4:46 pm"Q8: Someone is going to punch your mom. Do you:
a) stop them
b) kill them
c) decide to eat an oreo instead?"
Sorry, C is the wrong answer, but you got the other quesitons right… well done!
This is truly one of your best Rod. I've gotta stop reading these in class, my professor probably thinks I'm choking down seizures. Damn you, you blessed, funny soul.
April 20th, 2010 at 4:57 pmHilarious!
April 20th, 2010 at 5:01 pmSecond? Better than nothing.
Good script! Didn't see the movie…
April 20th, 2010 at 5:15 pmHoly shit. This is the most gut busting abridged script ever. Rod, retire now. This is your masterpiece.
– "Protective Instincts? What the fuck kind of tests do we have in this state? What was his score on Golden Heartedness? Did he score in the 90th percentile on Overall Cuddliness?"
– "Oh! Click, whirrrrrr. Football talent activated."
– "Oh. It’s the second one, isn’t it?"
Jesus Christ. Pure, concentrated comedy gold.
April 20th, 2010 at 5:28 pmDidn’t see this, was thinking of doing so. Now I won’t.
April 20th, 2010 at 12:12 pmI was kind of please with Sandra Bullock about her oscar speak, honestley. Frankly she just looks embarrassed and a little annoyed, like she knew she didn't deserve it. Which speaks well of her, I think.
April 21st, 2010 at 3:00 am2.5 stars out of five?? What are you smoking, Rod?
April 21st, 2010 at 1:30 pmI was thinking, it must have been hard for you to write this abridged script; not because the film has a shortage of scenes to mock, but because finding ways to stretch and exaggerate them to make them even more ridiculous than they already were onscreen must have been a challenge!
Doug: you might not want to base your total opinion of a movie on Rod's scripts.
"I guess I didn’t think of it that way. Luckily, neither will the audience!"
Perhaps the intent was for people to take the hint and do likewise…?
All in all though, this was a tight, witty script; well done, sir.
April 21st, 2010 at 7:04 pmthe Speed 2 crack is priceless
April 21st, 2010 at 7:21 pmGod, I saw this movie a week ago. What a bunch of typical American white guilt syndrome bullshit.
I liked Sandra Bullock's oscar speech though. Smart woman. Lousy actress, but smart woman.
April 21st, 2010 at 10:20 pm"I’ll just be in the other room if anyone needs money or shitty country music."
hahahaha, dont know why but that line cracked me up
April 22nd, 2010 at 12:03 amGood stuff. Whew! Sweatin like Precious here…
April 22nd, 2010 at 2:35 amWhat about the retarded scene where Quinton Aaron gets in a car wreck and Jae Head is hospitalized and Sandra Bullock treats it as if its no big deal to Quinton Aaron? And the other retarded part of the scene where Quinton Aaron stopped the kid with his arm even though the accident was caused by him not paying attention to the road? There is no way he could have reacted in time to do that.
April 22nd, 2010 at 3:32 pmNot to rain on the parade, and I enjoyed the hell out of the script, but Oher actually had never played football before high school. He started in, I think, his junior year, but he grew up playing basketball and wanted to be the next Jordan, which is a big part of why he was so damn quick despite being enormous.
April 22nd, 2010 at 5:54 pmdid you grow up in Memphis, ninereal?? because, every high school coach in the MCS ( memphis city schools) wanted to try and get Oher on their team, it happens all the time. that is the most fluid student enrollment in the south, and no one would ever think about it had he gone to any public school in the city. how you think Tim Thompson did so well when he was coaching in memphis? that's also why so many sniched on him when he left fayette ware and came to RHS,…… and soon as the Touhys got on him…EVERYONE knew what was up. it was a forgone conclusion of where he was headed to play when they got on him, and then no doubt about where he was headed to college to play. ….and yeah, i am from there, and i have been coaching there for several years….
April 23rd, 2010 at 12:23 amIt doesn't have a "Rotten" rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It has 67%, that counts as "Fresh". The Reader, which was also nominated for Best Picture and won Best Actress was has a worse rating (61%)
April 24th, 2010 at 9:58 amFootball talent activated.
Love that one.
April 24th, 2010 at 10:28 pmI had a pretty good laugh about what you just wrote. Nice job, Watcher.
April 25th, 2010 at 7:01 amIf you are really intersted, you should check out Austin Film Festival. John Lee Hancock is going to be there and you can actually win a pass to have lunch with him one of the days! Im definitely buying a badge. I LOVE this movie.
April 26th, 2010 at 10:08 pmThis movie somehow managed to be a liberal version of southern conservative values. I didn't know such a thing was possible. It was also twisted sick and incredibly offensive to the African American community.
I have never in my life had a more horrible reaction to a "feel good" movie….Except for maybe Forrest Gump.
April 27th, 2010 at 8:35 pmExactly how is this "offensive" to the african-american community (which must be a shitload of people, seriously. Are every single one of them offended?) You know this for a fact?
And what is wrong with Forrest Gump?
April 29th, 2010 at 4:13 amHe didn't stop the kid. He stopped the airbag from injuring the kid. Which is still retarded. Even if Quinton Aaron had the super human reaction time and strength to stop an airbag in the middle of a car wreck, why would he? Airbags are there to protect passengers. How would he know that the airbag would have injured the kid?
April 29th, 2010 at 8:12 pmYou’re right how can it possibly be offensive to African Americans.
You do not think it might be offensive towards African Americans when the entire movie makes it seem like black’s are utter clueless and helpless without a white master to guide and tell them what to do?
Err not entirely helpless as they can become drug dealers or gangsters without a white person to tell them what to do.
Seriously you do not find that offensive at all?
May 2nd, 2010 at 2:38 amYeah, I suppose that's always the danger with this kind of movie, letting "We should help those less fortunate than us" turn into "Welp, guess they'll all always be dependent on our charity."
May 3rd, 2010 at 7:13 amQUINTON AARON
Oh! Click, whirrrrrr. Football talent activated.
(kicks ass at football)
May 10th, 2010 at 4:08 amWeird. It's like spam, but with no links.
May 13th, 2010 at 9:09 pm"Not so fast! I’m not letting this movie get away with having absolutely no tension or conflict. I think Sandra adopted you so that you could play football for her alma mater."
this line made me laugh big time
don't pretty much all parents do that with their kids? Have the kids go to the college they (the parents) went to or like?
loved the movie but that part was just bullshit
June 13th, 2010 at 3:04 pmwait, "protective instincts" is a thing? really? i tohught that was a joke.
June 16th, 2010 at 5:22 am"Seriously? Is a story about some kid winning the lottery supposed to be uplifting simply because the lottery is played by Miss Congeniality?"
Perfect.
June 30th, 2010 at 2:57 pmActually, there are various different psychological tests that "score" different parts of you personality in terms of percentages. I've taken a couple that were recommended by my friend who's a Psychology student applying for his Masters. In that regard, it's perfectly acceptable that he had something resembling "Protective Instincts", but not called that because that's utterly ridiculous.
I really do need to watch more movies, though. I hate cliches, but I can't notice them because I haven't seen them before. x_x
July 28th, 2010 at 8:11 amI know it sounds ridiculous….but that part was actually true. The way they treated it might have been exaggerated. But Oher really did screw up his arm by blocking an airbag like that….
August 6th, 2010 at 1:06 amShe got access to all of his information without the power of an attorney…
August 13th, 2010 at 1:01 pmYes, I found that the strangest of all.