Note: This abridged script is for the Halloween remake made in 2007, not the original Halloween movie. It is also not an abridged script of the Halloween holiday, which wouldn't make any sense.
The Abridged Script
INT. WHITE-TRASH REDNECK HOUSE - HADDONFIELD, ILLINOIS
SHERI MOON and her FAMILY OF ASSHOLES argue and fight about nothing.
Hanna, go upstairs and get your obviously psychotic brother so he can come down and enjoy an abusive family breakfast from hell.
Fine, but it annoys me that you're asking me to do something which doesn't illustrate to the audience that I'm a slut.
DAEG FAERCH comes down after killing a mouse and eats some RAISIN BRAN, the cereal of PURE EVIL.
A' soon as my fraudulent injury heals and I lose my workman's compensation, I'm 'onna to beat yer queer ass silly, boy.
Ugh, did a southern person rape Rob Zombie as a kid or something? What the hell does the guy have against people with southern accents?
See, in the original Halloween, Michael Myers was pure evil, but in this remake, Rob Zombie is giving background on why Myers kills babysitters. And that reason is that he grew up in a redneck family - nobody who grows up redneck can go on and not kill people.
I don't even understand. Isn't Haddonfield the prototypical "nice, quiet suburb?" How can a family of obnoxious rednecks afford to live here on a stripper's tips?
Don't sass me, girl, or I'll be itchin' t' put my dick in ya.
DAEG FAERCH goes to school, where, unsurprisingly, everyone treats him like SHIT.
I fucked your mom and sister, and also I enjoy shoving you around.
Mistreatment and insults at the hands of a bully? I don't see how anyone could respond to this in any other way than murder.
DAEG has to go to the PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE and his mother is called in. MALCOLM MCDOWELL, his career apparently in the gutter, resorts to showing up in the movie as well.
Hello, I am a child psychologist. I have concerns about your child.
My cock-gobbling slutty child or my animal-killing evil child?
The evil one. I think Rob Zombie is remaking Halloween, and your son is the lead character.
That's impossible. Young Michael Myers was only in the original Halloween for like five seconds. My son couldn't be starring in a remake of that movie unless it was a pointless exploration into the killer's backstory.
Exactly. Rob Zombie saw the original and related to the killer, so he's remaking the movie and giving Michael Myers the same childhood background Zombie had. Your son has long hair, obscures his face, and listens to the same shitty music Zombie did at your son's age.
Is there anything we can do to prevent him from becoming a murderer?
Well, I was involved with an experimental procedure where violent youths are forced to watch film clips while their eyeballs are held open, but I really wouldn't recommend it.
DAEG follows the BULLY out into the woods and KILLS THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF HIM. Then he goes home to go trick-or-treating but he CAN'T.
Halloween night and I can't go trick or treating. God, I'm sooooo bored. Oh! I know! I could kill my mother's boyfriend, my sister, and her boyfriend!
DAEG, pushed over the edge by the inability to get some free candy, goes on a murderous rampage. This is less SCARY than it is DEPRESSING.
INT. INSANE ASYLUM
DAEG is taken to an INSANE ASYLUM where MALCOLM MCDOWELL interviews him.
Why do I have to stay here all the time?
Because Rob Zombie seems to think that devoting half the movie to justifying your behavior will actually convince the audience that you're a misunderstood hero rather than an evil villain.
I need to get out of this place, doctor.
Why, because you're only becoming more insane and detached from reality?
What? No, have you seen my masks? I'm auditioning to be in Slipknot and I don't want to be late.
DAEG is left alone for a little while with a sharp object, and he surprisingly decides to kill some people.
I can't believe that my insane son who murdered his family and has only become more insane since being locked up would murder complete strangers! I see no other option but to kill myself, orphaning my infant daughter.
DAEG eventually grows up to become TYLER MANE, and he kills a bunch of people and then goes back to HADDONFIELD.
EXT. HADDONFIELD, ILLINOIS
With only 40 minutes remaining, the entirety of the original HALLOWEEN gets compressed, nearly shot-for-shot, into the ending of the movie.
SCOUT TAYLOR-COMPTON walks home with a bunch of ANNOYING GIRLS.
ANNOYING GIRL #1
I like dick. Dick dick cock dick balls. Balls in my face. Yum yum yum.
ANNOYING GIRL #2
I like participating in forced, awkward dialog meant to hurriedly establish our characters moments before we're killed.
I like that this movie kept the stupidest writing from the original Halloween, without any of the originality or suspense.
TYLER MANE kills some more people, and eventually MALCOLM MCDOWELL shows up to explain what the hell is going on.
Hey, do you know why William Shatner is trying to kill me?
You're his little sister. I changed your name and got you adopted by another family so that you wouldn't grow up with the shame of being related to Tyler Mane.
Yet you thought it was fine to have the shame of being in the same town? Why not have me be adopted by someone in Alaska or something?
That's a good question, but even more puzzling is how a 6-foot-tall, psychotic mute guy managed to find you at all.
TYLER catches up to SCOUT and MALCOLM confronts him.
I failed you, Tyler. I decided you were pure evil, rather than just a product of your environment. I gave up on you, so all of this blood is on my hands.
So he's not pure evil in the movie, just imbalanced?
Yes, truly we are the monsters for not caring more about Rob Zomb--er, Tyler Mane.
So the original killer had to be shot over and over to stop him, whereas this one just needs some medication? Is this a remake, or the "Wicked" of the Halloween franchise?
TYLER lets SCOUT go, then kills MALCOLM. Then he chases SCOUT to kill her.
What the fuck? Why are you chasing me again? You just let me go.
DIRECTOR ROB ZOMBIE
Because test audiences didn't like it when Tyler let you go and then got shot by a bunch of cops. It wasn't "slasher-y" enough.
So if I kill him, will that be the end of this or will there be a bunch of sequels?
DIRECTOR ROB ZOMBIE
I think everyone is going to pretend this movie never existed, actually.
SCOUT shoots TYLER. SCOUT escapes the movie without being killed, and we escape the movie without having to listen to a ROB ZOMBIE song.