Halloween: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Oct 30th, 2007 | Movie Rating: 
Note: This abridged script is for the Halloween remake made in 2007, not the original Halloween movie. It is also not an abridged script of the Halloween holiday, which wouldn’t make any sense.
FADE IN:
INT. WHITE-TRASH REDNECK HOUSE - HADDONFIELD, ILLINOIS
SHERI MOON and her FAMILY OF ASSHOLES argue and fight about nothing.
SHERI MOON
Hanna, go upstairs and get your obviously psychotic brother so he can come down and enjoy an abusive family breakfast from hell.
HANNA HALL
Fine, but it annoys me that you’re asking me to do something which doesn’t illustrate to the audience that I’m a slut.
DAEG FAERCH comes down after killing a mouse and eats some RAISIN BRAN, the cereal of PURE EVIL.
WILLIAM FORSYTHE
A’ soon as my fraudulent injury heals and I lose my workman’s compensation, I’m ‘onna to beat yer queer ass silly, boy.
DAEG FAERCH
Ugh, did a southern person rape Rob Zombie as a kid or something? What the hell does the guy have against people with southern accents?
SHERI MOON
See, in the original Halloween, Michael Myers was pure evil, but in this remake, Rob Zombie is giving background on why Myers kills babysitters. And that reason is that he grew up in a redneck family - nobody who grows up redneck can go on and not kill people.
HANNA HALL
I don’t even understand. Isn’t Haddonfield the prototypical “nice, quiet suburb?” How can a family of obnoxious rednecks afford to live here on a stripper’s tips?
WILLIAM FORSYTHE
Don’t sass me, girl, or I’ll be itchin’ t’ put my dick in ya.
DAEG FAERCH goes to school, where, unsurprisingly, everyone treats him like SHIT.
GENERIC BULLY
I fucked your mom and sister, and also I enjoy shoving you around.
DAEG FAERCH
Mistreatment and insults at the hands of a bully? I don’t see how anyone could respond to this in any other way than murder.
DAEG has to go to the PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE and his mother is called in. MALCOLM MCDOWELL, his career apparently in the gutter, resorts to showing up in the movie as well.
MALCOLM MCDOWELL
Hello, I am a child psychologist. I have concerns about your child.
SHERI MOON
My cock-gobbling slutty child or my animal-killing evil child?
MALCOLM MCDOWELL
The evil one. I think Rob Zombie is remaking Halloween, and your son is the lead character.
SHERI MOON
That’s impossible. Young Michael Myers was only in the original Halloween for like five seconds. My son couldn’t be starring in a remake of that movie unless it was a pointless exploration into the killer’s backstory.
MALCOLM MCDOWELL
Exactly. Rob Zombie saw the original and related to the killer, so he’s remaking the movie and giving Michael Myers the same childhood background Zombie had. Your son has long hair, obscures his face, and listens to the same shitty music Zombie did at your son’s age.
SHERI MOON
Is there anything we can do to prevent him from becoming a murderer?
MALCOLM MCDOWELL
Well, I was involved with an experimental procedure where violent youths are forced to watch film clips while their eyeballs are held open, but I really wouldn’t recommend it.
DAEG follows the BULLY out into the woods and KILLS THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF HIM. Then he goes home to go trick-or-treating but he CAN’T.
DAEG FAERCH
Halloween night and I can’t go trick or treating. God, I’m sooooo bored. Oh! I know! I could kill my mother’s boyfriend, my sister, and her boyfriend!
DAEG, pushed over the edge by the inability to get some free candy, goes on a murderous rampage. This is less SCARY than it is DEPRESSING.
INT. INSANE ASYLUM
DAEG is taken to an INSANE ASYLUM where MALCOLM MCDOWELL interviews him.
DAEG FAERCH
Why do I have to stay here all the time?
MALCOLM MCDOWELL
Because Rob Zombie seems to think that devoting half the movie to justifying your behavior will actually convince the audience that you’re a misunderstood hero rather than an evil villain.
DAEG FAERCH
I need to get out of this place, doctor.
MALCOLM MCDOWELL
Why, because you’re only becoming more insane and detached from reality?
DAEG FAERCH
What? No, have you seen my masks? I’m auditioning to be in Slipknot and I don’t want to be late.
DAEG is left alone for a little while with a sharp object, and he surprisingly decides to kill some people.
SHERI MOON
I can’t believe that my insane son who murdered his family and has only become more insane since being locked up would murder complete strangers! I see no other option but to kill myself, orphaning my infant daughter.
DAEG eventually grows up to become TYLER MANE, and he kills a bunch of people and then goes back to HADDONFIELD.
EXT. HADDONFIELD, ILLINOIS
With only 40 minutes remaining, the entirety of the original HALLOWEEN gets compressed, nearly shot-for-shot, into the ending of the movie.
SCOUT TAYLOR-COMPTON walks home with a bunch of ANNOYING GIRLS.
ANNOYING GIRL #1
I like dick. Dick dick cock dick balls. Balls in my face. Yum yum yum.
ANNOYING GIRL #2
I like participating in forced, awkward dialog meant to hurriedly establish our characters moments before we’re killed.
SCOUT TAYLOR-COMPTON
I like that this movie kept the stupidest writing from the original Halloween, without any of the originality or suspense.
TYLER MANE kills some more people, and eventually MALCOLM MCDOWELL shows up to explain what the hell is going on.
SCOUT TAYLOR-COMPTON
Hey, do you know why William Shatner is trying to kill me?
MALCOLM MCDOWELL
You’re his little sister. I changed your name and got you adopted by another family so that you wouldn’t grow up with the shame of being related to Tyler Mane.
SCOUT TAYLOR-COMPTON
Yet you thought it was fine to have the shame of being in the same town? Why not have me be adopted by someone in Alaska or something?
MALCOLM MCDOWELL
That’s a good question, but even more puzzling is how a 6-foot-tall, psychotic mute guy managed to find you at all.
TYLER catches up to SCOUT and MALCOLM confronts him.
MALCOLM MCDOWELL
I failed you, Tyler. I decided you were pure evil, rather than just a product of your environment. I gave up on you, so all of this blood is on my hands.
SCOUT TAYLOR-COMPTON
So he’s not pure evil in the movie, just imbalanced?
MALCOLM MCDOWELL
Yes, truly we are the monsters for not caring more about Rob Zomb–er, Tyler Mane.
SCOUT TAYLOR-COMPTON
So the original killer had to be shot over and over to stop him, whereas this one just needs some medication? Is this a remake, or the “Wicked” of the Halloween franchise?
TYLER lets SCOUT go, then kills MALCOLM. Then he chases SCOUT to kill her.
SCOUT TAYLOR-COMPTON
What the fuck? Why are you chasing me again? You just let me go.
DIRECTOR ROB ZOMBIE
Because test audiences didn’t like it when Tyler let you go and then got shot by a bunch of cops. It wasn’t “slasher-y” enough.
SCOUT TAYLOR-COMPTON
So if I kill him, will that be the end of this or will there be a bunch of sequels?
DIRECTOR ROB ZOMBIE
I think everyone is going to pretend this movie never existed, actually.
SCOUT shoots TYLER. SCOUT escapes the movie without being killed, and we escape the movie without having to listen to a ROB ZOMBIE song.
END
Brilliant as always, Rod.
October 30th, 2007 at 4:37 am“…but I wouldn’t recommend it.”
Indeed, sir. Indeed.
Nice reference to “A Clockwork Orange”. I don’t often laugh out loud. Well done. Happy Halloween.
October 30th, 2007 at 5:47 amRob Zombie was actually born and raised in a Carnie family. Hope tha sheds some light on why he is so fixated on rednecks.
October 30th, 2007 at 6:45 amHeehee @ the caption about wearing seatbelts. I think that’s a good idea actually. Maybe on Halloween I’ll do that to my teenage brother.
October 30th, 2007 at 7:40 amZombie is such a hack at everything. Nicholas Cage saved his only good work: Werewolf Women of the SS.
October 30th, 2007 at 9:24 amrob zombie is inept in every way. his movies suck and heavy metal is a terrible genre.
October 30th, 2007 at 11:21 amInteresting comments…I’ve actually found his movies to be far superior to other movies of the genre. Granted I’m not a big fan of horror/slasher (slash slasher?) movies, but still.
October 30th, 2007 at 12:15 pmNot a fan of his movies, but his music is aight. Awesome script Rod, ur awesome man.
October 30th, 2007 at 5:04 pmDaeg Faerch? Sounds like the sound of a wet fart.
October 30th, 2007 at 7:58 pmI don’t even know a thing about this movie and this parody saved my rotten day. Holy fuck you are awesome Hilton.
October 31st, 2007 at 8:44 amRod,
Wasn’t there some sort of update about South Park or something posted just a few days ago?
I remember visiting the site briefly before work, and then when I came back and refreshed the site, the south park thing was gone…what was that all about?
October 31st, 2007 at 4:57 pmMichelle,
Hmmm, I have no idea. I don’t think I’ve removed anything from the site recently. Perhaps you have my site confused with an inferior site that isn’t as awesome.
October 31st, 2007 at 5:16 pmlol awesome i cracked up at annoying girl 1’s dialogue :P or rather monologue, either way fucking hilarious :P
November 1st, 2007 at 7:16 amFucking hilarious. Now I don’t have to see the movie, yet I can still argue it with others. Doesn’t make me seem like a close-minded asshole at all.
November 1st, 2007 at 12:20 pmrod, speaking of removed stuff…
before you updated your site, there was an update about revenge of the sith where there was a link to some people who made an audio version of it. do you still have the link?
November 4th, 2007 at 12:20 pmw00t:
Yeah, it’s linked from the episode III abridged script itself.
November 4th, 2007 at 12:32 pmcool, thanks.
November 4th, 2007 at 2:22 pmYou know, I still use the Internet Archive to see the original version of the Lord of the Rings 1 script once in a while.
November 4th, 2007 at 6:05 pm‘DAEG is left alone for a little while with a sharp object, and he surprisingly decides to kill some people.’
Priceless.
November 6th, 2007 at 6:33 amI knew this film would be terrible. Rob Zombie must have eaten a lot of Raisin Bran.
Out of curiosity, Rod, how’d you like the original?
November 7th, 2007 at 7:40 amRod,
I’m curious. Do the results of that poll mean that we’ll soon have to start paying for abridged scripts?
November 11th, 2007 at 10:37 amJosh:
Nah, I was just wondering if I’d be able to sell a book to help pay for/promote the site. Sounds like I probably could, as long as it wasn’t just an archive of the stuff on the site.
I was thinking maybe like a “best of 2007″ type book or something, with scripts for the #1 box office movies for the year. I dunno - just bouncing ideas around in my head.
November 11th, 2007 at 11:40 amRod,
I agree that you could make some decent money by selling a book of scripts. I’d certainly pay for one, and lucky for you 2007 was filled with horrible movies. Even in the #1 Box frequently.
Unfortunately, you’d have to actually watch the movie then. I would have been really pissed to re-watch the Harry Potter Series with the shitty acting and weak storyline.
My concern was that with Cracked, and a book of scripts coming out that the updates on this site will most likely be infrequent. Not that I’d blame you though; everyone needs to get paid.
November 11th, 2007 at 6:26 pmYeah, I’ve seen some other sites’ updates grind to a halt right after they release a book, so I got a little worried. But this site already ground to a halt once, so maybe it’s immune now, right?
November 11th, 2007 at 8:51 pmWill there be any more air0day, or just the movies? Don’t get me wrong, I love the scripts, but actually kind of enjoyed your riffs on politics and current events too.
November 13th, 2007 at 8:27 amAaron:
Not sure I follow. I’ve got two other blogs.
Absolutely No Machete Juggling, which is mostly about software development.
and
What The Hecataeus, which is mostly about politics, current events, religion, logic, and philosophy.
Air0Day.com never really had that stuff - it was just a parent domain for everything else. That domain is in the middle of a transition, but I’ll be using it to put up some of my open source projects and code.
November 14th, 2007 at 5:45 amYeah, I remember air0day.com had funny stuff like “Baglor”. Funny stuff is good.
November 14th, 2007 at 5:21 pmOh. I just found everything under air0day, and used that to get to all of your stuff. I couldn’t care less about the software development stuff, but the other one I liked. I guess I’ll just follow your link and see if there’s anything new.
November 15th, 2007 at 11:01 amRod - please bring a book out even with some of the old scripts, it would be great for xmas gifts and coffee tables alike :)
November 18th, 2007 at 4:08 pmI jost “got” the William Shatner joke, btw. Yes, it took me this long.
November 22nd, 2007 at 10:42 pmI’m waiting for you to parody Beowulf now. Looking forward to what you have to say about the fact that they hired expensive actors and then put them in motion-capture clothing in a blank room, thus severely limiting their ability to act, only to replace them with CGI models that simply look like fake versions of themselves, thus eliminating the point of using CGI in the first place. And made Beowulf’s mother a naked seductive lady instead of a monster like she’s supposed to be, even going so far as to give her high-friggin-heels in the pre-middle-ages…
November 23rd, 2007 at 6:47 amIt’s been too long since you’ve posted anything new Rod… come oooon !!!
November 23rd, 2007 at 4:55 pmYou actually went to see Beowulf. Joke is on you man
November 24th, 2007 at 9:05 amBeowulf’s mother, or Grendel’s mother?
November 24th, 2007 at 11:01 amI went to see beowulf in an imax what a waste of time unless you want to get self induced motion sickness, 3D better with Jaws 3D
February 9th, 2008 at 2:15 pmP.S. Forgot to add this site is definetely one of the best on the net and i would certainly buy the book
February 9th, 2008 at 2:18 pmI just watched this movie a few days ago well up till that part where the mom shoots herself. But I gotta say that it was the most fuckin hilarious movie I had ever seen. I mean what kind of horror movie opens up with monster mash? Or a future serial killer that is a fan of Kiss? Oh and love hurts? And the whole blood couldn’t have looked anymore fake funniest movie of all time. It had to have been a parody to begin with.
March 28th, 2008 at 3:19 pmFUCK YOU ALL THIS IS THE BEST HALLOWEEN..AND IVE SEEN EM ALL
DAEG FAERCH IS THE BEST ACTOR IVE EVER SEEN AND NONE OF YOU COULD DO BETTER SO FUCK YOU
April 12th, 2008 at 4:48 am[…] Read Rod’s whole rewrite here. […]
April 19th, 2008 at 11:49 pmI actually do enjoy Rob Zombie’s movies. He takes a different spin on it and incorporates music and images that are meant to be humerous.
However, I still thought this was fuckin’ funny! Some great references there (actually had to read that Slipknot thing aloud to my roommate!). Kudos!
April 20th, 2008 at 9:41 amNoice
April 21st, 2008 at 1:28 am