Some people are getting really lazy with their Joker costumes this year.


Some people are getting really lazy with their Joker costumes this year.

HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. SERIAL KILLER REJUVENATION CLINIC - 1988

A couple of PARADEADICS have arrived to pick up a comatose MICHAEL MYERS.

MALE PARADEADIC

Wow wow wow, Michael Myers is ALIVE??? How? Wasn’t he very much dead at the end of Halloween II?

FEMALE PARADEADIC

Yeah he’s looking pretty good for a guy who was shot in the face twice and blown up and set on fire and left to burn for waaaaay longer than is recommended for a human body.

DR. HERBERT WEST

Which is why I’ve been taking good care of dear Michael for these past 10 years by repairing his shot-out eyes, replaced all his cooked internal organs, and made the 9th degree burns covering 100% of his body look like a mild skin rash.

MALE PARADEADIC

But... why? Why would anyone keep an unstoppable sex hating killing machine alive?

DR. HERBERT WEST

Did you see Season of the Witch?

MALE PARADEADIC

Uh no.

DR. HERBERT WEST

Well neither did anyone else! The lesson being you don’t try to make a Michael Myers movie without Michael Myers, so we’re retconning the shit out of his death in Halloween II.

FEMALE PARADEADIC

Careful buddy, a franchise can only retcon its entire story once, maybe twice at the most! So where’s Jamie Lee Curtis?

MALE PARADEADIC

She got topless and now she’s too good for this franchise so they killed her character off, which will certainly NOT change in later movies. But it seems she had a daughter before her off-screen death.

FEMALE PARADEADIC

You mean Laurie Strode finally GOT LAID? Good for her!

MICHAEL MYERS

(awakens from eternal slumber)

SHE WHAAAAAAAT?!!?!?! MICHAEL (SKULL)SMASH!!!!!!

MICHAEL sharpens his thumb into a point and stabs MALE PARADEADIC IN THE BRAIN.

Wait, does this really happen?

OH YOU BET YOUR FUCKING ASS THIS HAPPENS.

MICHAEL MYERS

Now to go kill my adorable niece Danielle Harris who I’ve never seen or met or know where she is. I really hope she’s still in Haddonfield in the same neighborhood where I brutally killed a bunch of people otherwise I am shit out of luck.

FEMALE PARADEADIC

(killed somehow)

INT. HADDONFIELD (THE NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE MICHAEL BRUTALLY KILLED A SHITLOAD OF HORNY TEENS AND EXTRAS) - HALLOWEEN

JAMIE LEE CURTIS’s daughter DANIELLE HARRIS is having nightmares about her CREEPY UNCLE MICHAEL who she has never seen or met or knows what his new shitty KNOCKOFF SHATNER MASK looks like.

DANIELLE HARRIS

I DO??? How is that even possible?

ELLIE CORNELL

You have some kind of vague psychic link with Michael Myers.

DANIELLE HARRIS

Hmm. That’s slightly less stupid than a killer TV commercial so I won’t question it. Wait who are you lady?

ELLIE CORNELL

I’m your foster sister. My parents adopted you.

DANIELLE HARRIS

Wait what happened to my dad?

ELLIE CORNELL

Much like my movie career and Universal’s Dark Universe he’s dead. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go practice my dick riding with my boyfriend Sasha Jenson.

ELLIE’S PARENTS

Nice try bitch, but we need you to babysit Danielle while we go out of town and have fun on the 10 year anniversary of when Danielle’s uncle tried to kill her mom.

ELLIE CORNELL

Jesus Christ you guys are callus. Why’d you even adopt Danielle if you’re just going to abandon her at such an emotional time?

ELLIE’S PARENTS

For the foster checks of course. How do you think we can afford to leave town? Besides it’s not like anyone in this town even remembers what happened ten years ago.

INT. SCHOOL

DANIELLE is mercilessly teased and bullied for being the niece of MICHAEL MYERS.

DANIELLE HARRIS

HOW THE HELL DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT ME?! MY LAST NAME ISN’T EVEN MYERS OR STRODE!!!

Meanwhile...

INT. SERIAL KILLER REJUVENATION CLINIC

DONALD PLEASENCE

Surprise everyone! I’m alive!

DR. HERBERT WEST

Yes, it seems my explosion repair surgery worked on you too.

DONALD PLEASENCE

But it somehow didn’t fix my bad face prosthetics. You can bring a burned corpse back to life but not fix my bum leg or this lumpy pancake inside my cheek?

DR. HERBERT WEST

Damnit Don I’m a doctor not a miracle worker!

DONALD PLEASENCE

You even managed to repair my iconic flasher trench coat so I beg to fucking differ. Now I must go stop Michael who I predict is going to Haddenfield to kill Danielle!

(hobbles to the rescue!)

EXT. GAS STATION

MICHAEL MYERS

Now the first step in my Kill Danielle plan is to kill this poor bastard mechanic and hang him up in chains which I assume is some kind of weird sex fetish I developed while in a coma. Second step is to steal his smelly skid marked overalls which are my exact size. Then the next step is to not eat or drink anything ever again, murder will be my only nourishment.

DONALD PLEASENCE

Michael! It seems I’ve randomly stumbled across this gas station and found you! Here, come closer so I can shoot you in the face since that’s worked so well in the past!

(shoots!)

MICHAEL MYERS

(teleports)

DONALD PLEASENCE

Uh? Did that really happen?

MICHAEL MYERS

Sure it did, or else you just watched me bunny hop away and shot at a me-shaped puff of air like a senile old fool. Which one sounds more plausible?

DONALD PLEASENCE

The teleporting of course! So I guess this means you don’t need an actual vehicle to travel?

MICHAEL MYERS

No, that superpower only works when the camera cuts away from me.

DONALD PLEASENCE

Oh you mean like Invisible Boy from Mystery Men.

MICHAEL MYERS

Don’t insult Mystery Men you jerk.

MICHAEL steals a truck that he learned to drive from coma audio books and sets off the garage’s stock of dynamite, C-4, and land mines stored all over the place. Everything goes KABLOOEY!

DONALD PLEASENCE

Oh no! This gas station doubled as the central hub for EVERY TELEPHONE LINE IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE!!!

MICHAEL MYERS

Those telephone lines were fucking, I had to kill them.

(speeds away!)

INT. COSTUME SHOP

ELLIE meets up with a penis attached to her boyfriend SASHA JENSON.

ELLIE CORNELL

Sorry Sasha, we can’t fuck tonight because I have to watch Danielle.

SASHA JENSON

Ooooh, that’s no good. I’ll just have to get my dick moisturized by local hottie Kathleen Kinmont instead.

ELLIE CORNELL

I hope her cooch tastes like salty cardboard.

SASHA JENSON

The only one tasting something salty is going to be her.

KATHLEEN KINMONT

By which he means I love pretzels.

Meanwhile DANIELLE searches for Halloween costumes when MICHAEL MYERS appears!

Or DOES HE?

DANIELLE HARRIS

Wait are you actually here or am I imagining you?

MICHAEL MYERS

I just put on the Shatner-esque Halloween mask that was hanging on the shelf you walked past so I must really be here.

DANIELLE HARRIS

Then why aren’t you killing me?

MICHAEL MYERS

You’re just a kid. What do you think I am, some kind of souless horror movie monster?

DANIELLE HARRIS

Uh, yeah. You’re arguably the most famous one.

MICHAEL MYERS

Oh. Shit. That’s true. Well I guess I had better strangle the life out of your little child body, just so long as you don’t break any mirrors or anything.

DANIELLE breaks a huge ass mirror which scares MICHAEL off???

DANIELLE HARRIS

Yeah this has to be fake, I’m just a crazy little child-sized nutcase.

ELLIE and DANIELLE leave.

Then we see MICHAEL leave as well!

MICHAEL MYERS

Ha! So I WAS here! The fuck?!

INT. HADDONFIELD POLICE STATION

DONALD limps into town!

DONALD PLEASENCE

Michael Myers is back to kill his niece Danielle and we must stop him!

SHERIFF BEAU STARR

And you know this how?

DONALD PLEASENCE

I’m a crazy old man, you can trust me.

SHERIFF BEAU STARR

I believe him.

They race off to find DANIELLE!

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD

ELLIE takes DANIELLE Trick r Treating and spots SASHA and KATHLEEN about to do a little Trick r Treating of their own. Wink wink nudge nudge.

ELLIE CORNELL

Sasha, how could you?

SASHA JENSON

It’s not my fault! I have an insatiable attraction to sluts!

ELLIE storms off with DANIELLE.

KATHLEEN KINMONT

Sasha are you coming back? This pussy isn’t going to pound itself you know.

Meanwhile MICHAEL teleports across town and PILEDRIVES a dude into some power cables!

MICHAEL MYERS

That dude was fornicating with those power cables, I was totally justified.

The loss of all power forces the entire population of Haddonfield to disappear into some kind of pocket dimension except for the main characters.

ELLIE and DANIELLE wander around through the abandoned dry ice part of the neighborhood until they meet up with DONALD.

DONALD PLEASENCE

Michael Myers has come to kill you but the police will protect you!

SHERIFF BEAU STARR

All my officers have been decapitated.

DONALD PLEASENCE

Oh. Well then this local poorly regulated militia of drunken beer belly hicks will protect you!

GANG OF HICKS

We pumped 5,000 rounds of hot lead into an innocent person.

DONALD PLEASENCE

Well shit. It’s not like we can just leave town or something so let’s go to Kathleen’s house, I’m sure the stink of horny teen sex won’t draw Michael’s attention!

Meanwhile nearby:

MICHAEL MYERS

(sniffs the air)

Illicit teenage banging detected.

(licks finger)

(holds wet finger up to the wind)

500 feet... that way. Stalker mode re-engaged.

(teleports to location)

INT. KATHLEEN’S HOUSE (ALSO SHERIFF BEAU’S HOUSE)

KATHLEEN KINMONT

Wait I’m the sheriff’s daughter? Well that sure explains my hyper aggressive promiscuity.

SASHA JENSON

And yet we STILL haven’t boned yet! I’m gonna die of blue balls!

KATHLEEN KINMONT

Nah, I’m betting a stab wound.

DONALD, ELLIE, DANIELLE and SHERIFF BEAU arrive and form a huge BLOCK between KATHLEEN and SASHA’S COCK.

SASHA JENSON

Well you can chalk up my erection to the list of things Michael has killed. Who the hell is this Michael Myers guy anyway?

ELLIE CORNELL

Wait, do you really not know? Danielle’s child bullies are morons and even they know who Michael Myers is. The only things Haddonfield is even known for are its holiday-based murder sprees and its booming Shatner mask economy.

KATHLEEN wanders around the house in a shirt and not much else.

KATHLEEN KINMONT

I’m still kind of miffed I didn’t get impaled by something long and hard.

MICHAEL MYERS

I’ll fix that!

KATHLEEN KINMONT

(lanced with a shotgun)

NOT WHAT I MEANT MICHAEL ERK!!

(dies)

SASHA JENSON

(is stabbed)

(...with Michael’s knife-like thumb!)

AW NO KATHLEEN WAS RIGHT AFTER ALL!

(dies horny)

DANIELLE HARRIS

Oh no Michael’s coming for us!

ELLIE CORNELL

We have to get on the roof! Climb on my back and I’ll give you a piggyback ride!

DANIELLE HARRIS

Weeee!!! Who knew being chased by a knife wielding maniac could be so fun!

On the roof ELLIE tries to lower DANIELLE’S STUNT DOUBLE to the ground but ELLIE is thrown off the roof by MICHAEL!

ELLIE CORNELL

But why Michael? I didn’t even have sex!

MICHAEL MYERS

But you were THINKING about having sex! That’s even worse!

GANG OF HICKS

Hey Ellie and Danielle, you guys need a lift out of town?

DANIELLE HARRIS

YES! FINALLY! Where have you guys been?!

GANG OF HICKS

We had to take a shit. Now let’s go!

EXT. DESERTED ROAD

MICHAEL MYERS

(teleports onto truck)

Finger stab!

GANG OF HICKS

(perforated with digits)

(are all fingered to death)

MICHAEL MYERS

Okay that was NOT as dirty as it sounds, unless you considered a torn open neck dirty like some kind of weirdo. Now, back to our regularly scheduled child murder program!

ELLIE CORNELL

Not if I have anything to say about it!

ELLIE rolls MICHAEL off of the truck and runs full speed into a MICHAEL-SHAPED CRASH TEST DUMMY that ragdolls into some bushes.

ELLIE CORNELL

I’m sure he’s dead, no need to run him over several times just to be sure.

DANIELLE HARRIS

I had better go hold his hand to comfort him as he dies.

ELLIE CORNELL

That’s a good idea, it show how kind and compassionate you HEY WAIT THAT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA!!!

MICHAEL MYERS

(internal organs regenerating)

No one understand me, Danielle. I’m not an evil person. I kill because I love! I just happen to love A LOT of people!

DANIELLE HARRIS

Even me?

MICHAEL MYERS

I love you most of all pumpkin! Which is why I REALLY need to bury this kitchen knife in your fucking skull.

But SHERIFF BEAU shows up with a small platoon of backup!

MICHAEL MYERS

(is shot with pistols, revolvers, pump action shotguns, machine guns, bolt-action rifles, flint-lock pistols, harpoon guns, semiautomatic rifles, RPGs, slingshots and a single Derringer)

(falls into a sinkhole)

DONALD PLEASENCE

No need to recover the body! I’m sure he’s doubly dead THIS time! But I do wish we had some dynamite to blow this sinkhole up with!

GUY IN BACKGROUND

(lights stick of dynamite)

(dynamite morphs into rifle in between shots)

DONALD PLEASENCE

Oh. I guess that’s not until the next movie!

INT. DANIELLE’S HOUSE

DANIELLE is returned to her foster parents...

Where she promptly puts on a mask and STABS her foster mom with a pair of scissors.

DANIELLE HARRIS

Bitch tried to make me take a bath. She should know homie don’t play that.

DONALD PLEASENCE

NOOOOO!!!! The madness has spread from Michael to Danielle! This is actually a pretty cool twist that could have tons of potential in the inevitable sequel!

HALLOWEEN FRANCHISE CONTINUITY

CLEARLY YOU DON’T KNOW ME VERY WELL

END

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