LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD
The Abridged Script
EXT. NEW YORK CITY
BRUCE WILLIS embarrasses his daughter, because the concept of a super-badass action guy being unable to manage his home life is totally original and creative.
It sure is rough just trying to be a regular cop as well as a divorced father. Luckily the cop part has gotten easier ever since this movie decided I should be some kind of superhuman cop.
Bruce, I need you to go pick up Justin Long. He's a young hacker. The two of you couldn't have any less in common, making for completely hilarious comedy.
BRUCE goes to find JUSTIN LONG. Meanwhile, some terrorists seem to upload a BOMB to a laptop and it EXPLODES. Inexplicably, the movie manages to actually go downhill from that.
INT. JUSTIN LONG'S APARTMENT.
BRUCE badasses his way up the stairs and into JUSTIN'S NERD LAIR.
You need to come with me. After all, what would a Die Hard movie be without an annoying partner?
Um, good? Like the first one?
Suddenly, the same terrorists upload a bomb to JUSTIN'S LAPTOP, but they can't detonate it without JUSTIN hitting DELETE, and he doesn't. They are forced to run into his apartment with guns instead.
I'm going to have to shoot these guys.
(shoots the guys)
I'm so badass that I'll make a joke about how nonchalantly badass I am.
(Matthew Perry impression)
The above scene repeats itself over and over until BRUCE and JUSTIN get to ANTI-HACKER HEADQUARTERS.
INT. ANTI-HACKER HEADQUARTERS
CLIFF CURTIS barks orders at people who are probably spending most of the day on MONSTER.COM, because nobody wants to work for such a DOUCHEBAG.
The hacker terrorists are infiltrating our firewall matrix! Quick, reroute the protocol encryption!
Sir! They're deleting the internet!
Shit! Restore internet from optical storage backup system and randomize IP layer!
Uh, you guys seem busy melting the brains of audience members with any technical knowledge. I can bring Justin Long back later.
No wait. I know what's going on. It's a firesale. They're taking down all of the computers in the country. They call it a firesale because everything... must... go.
You expect me to believe that the same type of nerds that would come up with this plan would even know what a 'firesale' is?
BRUCE and JUSTIN fight with some HENCHMEN, but BRUCE KILLS THEM with the power of WISECRACKS.
Holy shit! This badassery sure is tiring!
It's called a workout, kid! Ever hear of it? Har har har!
Oh, because you are old and come from a time when kids got exercise, whereas I am young and come from a technology-driven world. Your comment is meant both to draw attention to the generational gap between us as well as condemn our current society for being so dependent on technology. Very cute.
It's called beating you over the head with a point! Ever hear of it? Hrf hrf hrf!
Right, and it is because we are so dependent on technology that these terrorists are able to pull of their evil plot! Except that, in reality, none of the stuff they are doing is even remotely possible. The worst that can actually happen is a massive power outage, which people regularly prove isn't a big problem.
It's called exaggerating to the point of meaninglessness! Ever hear of it? Hurrrrrrr!
BRUCE and JUSTIN require the assistance of some kind of UBER-NERD, so they go see KEVIN SMITH, who lives in his mother's basement because the film writers were working off 20-year-old stereotypes.
INT. KEVIN SMITH'S BASEMENT
KEVIN SMITH fatasses his way through the scene.
I need to know who is behind the firesale.
I'm so sorry for being in this movie.
Er, uh, did you say Timothy Olyphant? What's he trying to do?
So, so, so sorry. Ugh.
Stick to the script, Smith.
He's shutting down the world's computers so he can break into some kind of vault and get a whole bunch of bank information to steal money? The cad! How do we stop him?
I really don't know what I was thinking. This movie isn't even starring one of my friends or anything.
Ha-ha, okay so we should get to the same vault and shoot the crap out of everyone? Sounds good!
Suddenly, TIMOTHY OLYPHANT appears on KEVIN SMITH'S COMPUTER, because computers are magical boxes that don't follow any kind of logical rules.
Hello Bruce. I see my efforts to try and kill you have failed. This only makes me more obsessed with wanting to kill you.
Why? Why do you care about me so much? If you had just left me alone, I'd have dropped off the worthless hacker kid with Cliff Curtis and gone home.
Despite the obviousness of your objection, I'm going to throw gasoline on the fire by kidnapping your daughter, thereby ensuring you will have to come to my base of operations and kill me.
INT. BAD GUY LAIR
BRUCE and JUSTIN break into the bad guy's secret hideout and kill lots of people. JUSTIN struggles with the concept of using a GUN, just so that you know he will shoot TIMOTHY at the very end.
I'm shocked you would try to rescue your daughter rather than do what I say.
I'm shocked they even bothered making this movie, so surprises all around.
They FIGHT. BRUCE is shot by TIMOTHY, and then TIMOTHY hovers over BRUCE waiting to kill him in order to give JUSTIN time to grow a pair of BALLS and save the day. JUSTIN finally picks up a gun and shoots a bad guy to prove how brave he is, giving BRUCE a chance to shoot TIMOTHY!
Truly a male has no worth unless he is willing to shoot another person in the back!
BRUCE WILLIS'S DAUGHTER
I'm attracted to you now that you shoot guns like my dad, because I obviously want to fuck my own father.