Jason prepares for an intense game of Whac-A-Mole.


Jason prepares for an intense game of Whac-A-Mole.

FRIDAY THE 13TH (2009)

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE - 1980

NANA VISITOR, mother of JASON VOORHEES, is about to KILL some NAMELESS GIRL.

NANA VISITOR

I'm doing this for my son Jason! People like you let him drown!

NAMELESS GIRL

What are you talking about lady? Your son didn't drown, he's in the bushes watching us right now.

NANA VISITOR

Really?

(turns to look)

Jason? Sweetheart? Is that you?

NAMELESS GIRL

Sucker!

NAMELESS GIRL cuts NANA'S HEAD OFF!

YOUNG DEFORMED JASON appears and keeps NANA'S HEAD as a limited edition STAR TREK COLLECTORS ITEM.

AUDIENCE

Wait a second, so Jason really was still alive? Doesn't that kind of defeat Mrs. Voorhees' motivation to go on a murderous revenge-fueled killing spree? I can't wait to see how the movie explains this.

DIRECTOR MARCUS NISPEL

Uhhhhhh... flashforward!

EXT. CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE - PRESENT DAY

A group of ANNOYING "TEENAGERS" who WE DON'T LIKE or CARE ABOUT go camping and adult JASON VOORHEES brutally KILLS THEM.

FRIDAY THE 13TH FANS

Yaaaaaay! No more annoying "teenagers"! Woo-Hoo! Way to go Jason!

But one of the "teenagers" is AMANDA RIGHETTI and JASON takes her HOSTAGE.

AUDIENCE

Waitwaitwaitwait, so Jason's taking hostages now? That's stupid. How do you explain this, movie?

DIRECTOR MARCUS NISPEL

Uhhhhhh... flashforward!

EXT. TOWN OUTSIDE OF CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE - 6 WEEKS LATER

A new group of ANNOYING "TEENAGERS" who WE DON'T LIKE or CARE ABOUT are on their way to CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE.

UNLIKABLE JERK #1

I am an asshole!

UNLIKEABLE JERK #2

I am an even bigger asshole!

SEXY SLUT

I show my tits!

WASHED UP POP STAR

I also show my tits!

DANIELLE PANABAKER

I have no personality!

BLACK GUY

I am Black!

ASIAN GUY

I am Asian! Jason has never killed an Asian guy before so I am very excited to be the first!

Meanwhile, AMANDA's brother JARED PADALECKI is looking for her when he is questioned by OFFICER RICHARD BURGI.

RICHARD BURGI

Well well well if it isn't Sam Winchester. Where's Dean?

JARED PADALECKI

Off starring in an equally shitty 80s horror remake.

RICHARD BURGI

Now Jared, we all know this will end up being a much shitter remake than "My Bloody Valentine".

JARED PADALECKI

You are correct. I guess that explains why a group of attractive young white teens could go missing out here and no one is bothering to look for them except me.

RICHARD BURGI

If my family was as annoying and unlikeable as those dickholes were I wouldn't bother looking for them either.

EXT. CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE BARN

A REDNECK STEREOTYPE finds MARIJUANA growing on the Camp Crystal Lake grounds and SMOKES it. JASON appears with a BURLAP SACK over his head and PROMPTLY KILLS the REDNECK.

JASON VOORHEES

Nobody smokes Jason's weed and lives to get the munchies.

FRIDAY THE 13TH FANS

Yeah! We hate it when dumb rednecks smoke our weed too! Keep it up Jason!

JASON finds a HOCKEY MASK just lying on the floor without ANY OTHER HOCKEY GEAR AROUND and tries it on in a MIRROR.

JASON VOORHEES

This mask doesn't make my ass look big does it?

Meanwhile...

JARED and DANIELLE bond.

DANIELLE PANABAKER

Even though you are a stranger who I just met, I think creepy guys who are looking for their missing sisters are really hot and I will spend most of the movie following you around like a lost puppy dog instead of hanging out with my real friends.

JARED PADALECKI

Cool. So what exactly is your role in this movie?

DANIELLE PANABAKER

I'm the Final Girl. Duh.

JARED PADALECKI

Really? You sure about that?

DANIELLE PANABAKER

Of course. I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't get my tits out. Plus I'm a brunette. I'm definitely going to live to see the credits.

JARED PADALECKI

But what if I told you there was another brunette who doesn't drink, smoke, or have sex whom the audience was already introduced to before you?

DANIELLE PANABAKER

Then I guess I would be pretty screwed, so it's a good thing that's not the case.

JARED PADALECKI

Uh. Yeah. Riiiiiiiight. Whatever you say Danielle.

INT. JASON'S LAIR

AMANDA is chained to a bed while JASON has a TEMPER TANTRUM.

JASON VOORHEES

Grrrrrrrr!!!

AMANDA RIGHETTI

What's the matter, Jason?

JASON VOORHEES

I'm just so sick of it, you know? All I do is kill people. Kill kill kill kill kill. There's more to me than just being a mindless killing machine you know!

AMANDA RIGHETTI

But I thought you loved killing people?

JASON VOORHEES

Oh, I do. But did you know that when I was a child I wanted to become an astronaut?

AMANDA RIGHETTI

(with sympathy)

Really?

JASON VOORHEES

(fighting back tears)

Yes, it's true. I've always dreamed about being on a space shuttle and going into outer space...

AMANDA RIGHETTI

(swoons)

Wow, that's really sweet, Jason.

JASON VOORHEES

...and killing people there. Slashing teenagers in space? That would be so cool!

NEW LINE CINEMA

Forget it, Jason. No movie studio on the planet would be dumb enough to...

(checks IMDb page)

Oh.

INT. CABIN

UNLIKEABLE JERK #1 and SEXY SLUT go off to FUCK while the BLACK GUY and ASIAN GUY are left ALONE.

BLACK GUY

The hell? Why are we the only two guys not paired up with a hot girl? Did we agree to go on this trip knowing there would not be enough slutty white girls to go around?

ASIAN GUY

Looks like.

BLACK GUY

Damn. So have you decided where you're going to die, Asian Guy?

ASIAN GUY

I plan to wander off by myself and get brutally stabbed to death in the shed. What about you?

BLACK GUY

I figured I'd rub one out in the living room in full view of anyone unlucky enough to walk in on me before Jason kills me with a hatchet.

ASIAN GUY

You mean for once they don't kill the black guy off first and you decide to spend your extra screen time choking your chicken?

BLACK GUY

Hey, it could be worse. I could be in a Tyler Perry movie.

ASIAN GUY

Difference being?

JASON KILLS the ASIAN GUY, the BLACK GUY, UNLIKEABLE JERK #1 and #2, SEXY SLUT, WASHED UP POP STAR and OFFICER BURGI.

FRIDAY THE 13TH FANS

Hell yeah! We didn't give a shit about any of those characters! Score 7 more for Jason! Woo-Hoo!

Meanwhile...

INT. JASON'S LAIR

JARED and DANIELLE discover a MINING TUNNEL lined with ELECTRICAL WIRE and lit by LIGHT BULBS leading to JASON'S LAIR.

JARED PADALECKI

Are you fucking serious? Since when did Jason become an electrician?

DANIELLE PANABAKER

Maybe construction workers built this tunnel?

JARED PADALECKI

But Jason's been living out here for almost 30 years. Are you telling me Jason will not tolerate harmless teens having sex in his territory but has no problem with construction workers building tunnels?

DANIELLE PANABAKER

(stupefied)

Well maybe Jason learned to build all of this himself. Yeah, that makes sense.

JARED PADALECKI

Okay, how?

DANIELLE PANABAKER

(even more stupefied)

Uhhhhhh, well maybe he went to night school or took a learning annex. You don't know.

JARED PADALECKI

Then how the hell did Jason pay for his tuition? Or pass his exams?

DANIELLE PANABAKER

Hey, would you have the balls to flunk a guy who carries a huge fucking machete around as a key chain?

JARED PADALECKI

I see your point.

They find AMANDA and free her.

JARED PADALECKI

Oh my God! I don't believe it!

AMANDA RIGHETTI

What? That I'm still alive and in relatively good health despite being in captivity for over a month?

JARED PADALECKI

Uh, yeah. That. This isn't exactly the penthouse suite at the Hilton. What has Jason been feeding you all this time?

AMANDA RIGHETTI

The tears of all the old "Friday the 13th" fans who actually paid money to see this miscarriage in theaters.

DANIELLE PANABAKER

Those tears must have been quite nutritious.

AMANDA RIGHETTI

Oh they were.

JASON arrives and the "teenagers" RUN AWAY! But JASON RUNS after them!

JARED PADALECKI

The hell? Jason's RUNNING now? I thought he was a zombie!

DANIELLE PANABAKER

This is the 2000s, man! Zombies run now!

JARED PADALECKI

Then we're fucked!

JASON catches up and slices THE FUCKING SHIT out of DANIELLE!

DANIELLE PANABAKER

(shocked)

Wait, so I'm really NOT the Final Girl?

JARED PADALECKI

Told you so.

DANIELLE PANABAKER

Well fuck. By the way Jason, that mask DOES make your ass look big!

(dies)

JASON VOORHEES

You bitch!

JASON grabs JARED and BEATS THE HOLY SHITBALLS out of him instead of, you know, STABBING HIM or something.

JARED PADALECKI

Please, Jason! No more! Your fists are hurting me way more than your machete through my skull would!

JASON nearly pounds JARED into YOPLAIT when AMANDA distracts JASON by pretending to be his MOTHER.

AMANDA RIGHETTI

(in baby voice)

Who'smyspecialboy?

JASON VOORHEES

(bashful)

I am.

AMANDA RIGHETTI

(tickling Jason)

Who'smyspecialboy?

JASON VOORHEES

(giggling)

I am.

AMANDA RIGHETTI

He fell for it! Kill him, Jared!

JASON VOORHEES

(snapping out of it)

What the--- aw fuck!

JARED and AMANDA KILL JASON!

FRIDAY THE 13TH FANS

No fair! Boo! How dare they take advantage of a defenseless mentally challenged person like that! Boo!

EXT. THE LAKE IN "CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE"

JARED and AMANDA dump JASON's body in the lake along with his MACHETE and HOCKEY MASK.

AMANDA RIGHETTI

Was it such a good idea to bury Jason with all of his kill gear? What if Jason's still alive and bursts out of the lake and grabs me?

He DOES!

JASON VOORHEES

Surprise!

AMANDA RIGHETTI

No, remaking "Friday The 13th" with a shitty cast, director, writers and producer and having the movie not turn out to be a total catastrofuck would've been the real surprise.

JARED PADALECKI

Hey, at least it did better than the "Halloween" remake. Suck it, Zombie!

ROB ZOMBIE

Just for that I'm remaking "Halloween II"!

HALLOWEEN FANS

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

END


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