"NO THANKS I ALREADY SAID I DON'T NEED A NEW WATER HEATER, GOOD DAY"


"NO THANKS I ALREADY SAID I DON'T NEED A NEW WATER HEATER, GOOD DAY"

HALLOWEEN (2018)

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. PSYCHIATRIC INSTITUTION

PODCAST JOURNALISTS RHIAN REES and JEFFERSON HALL arrive at the INSTITUTION to gather material for their "MAKING A MIKE-MYERS" true crime series. They meet DOCTOR HALUK BILGINER who leads them to a GIANT RED AND WHITE OUTDOOR CHESSBOARD where all the pieces have been replaced by IN-PATIENTS ON CHAINS, including the big guy himself---portrayed this time around by JAMES JUDE COURTNEY (except for a few unspecified cameos by Original Shape NICK CASTLE), let's give him a warm welcome!!

HALUK BILGINER

I'm so glad you're here. James Jude Courtney and sometimes Nick Castle is the ultimate psychological mystery. I've spent my entire career studying his condition!

RHIAN REES

And by studying you mean...

HALUK BILGINER

Staring at him, waiting for him to say something. For 40 years. But I remain confident that a breakthrough is RIGHT around the corner!

(points)

Over there is James Jude, he's the one ominously facing away from us. Take note of the yellow tape making a box around him, you CANNOT cross that line.

JEFFERSON HALL

Ah, so I can walk around to the other side of the box and interview Michael face-to-face.

HALUK BILGINER

Actually I'd prefer you remain on THIS side and shout at his back, thanks.

RHIAN REES

And since I'm the one with the microphone, I'll stand an extra ten feet away to make absolutely sure that if Michael does miraculously break his 55-year silence there's no record of it!

JEFFERSON HALL

Okay, er... why are we pretending that it's a mystery what James Jude looks like?

HALUK BILGINER

Because nobody has ever seen his face! Except everyone who works here, and everyone who's handled Michael's case, and anyone who's seen any of the tons of documentation created over his lifetime.

RHIAN REES

Huh? I only found one photo of him as a kid and it was of his back, for some fucking reason.

JEFFERSON HALL

Anyway, time to get this interview started. HELLO MICHAEL PLEASE ELABORATE ALL YOUR EVIL MOTIVATIONS TO US PLEASE

(produces Shatner-mask from his bag)

SAY SOMETHING MICHAEL!! SAAY SOMETHIINNNNNG

MUSIC SCORE

(intensifying!)

OTHER PATIENTS

(moaning and wailing!!)

DOGS

(barking!!!)

KETTLE

(boiling!!!!)

"PERFECTION" TIMER

(ticking!!!!!)

JEFFERSON HALL

SAAAAY SOMMEETHIIIIINGGG!!!!!!!!

But JAMES JUDE doesn't say anything and so JEFFERSON eventually gives up and puts the mask back in his bag. Everyone calms down, and the JOURNALISTS say goodbye to HALUK and sign out from the INSTITUTION. Dejectedly, they walk back to their car and load their gear.

JEFFERSON HALL

Oh hey we should have cut to credits while I was still shouting and everything was super tense, that would have been way more

INT. OPENING CREDITS

The HALLOWEEN THEME fires up, YAY!! So glad we got one more taste of the classic theme, better savour it now hahaha yeah don't worry about it.

Over the credits a DECOMPOSED HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN slowly RECOMPOSES itself in a way that looks like a BOUNCY CASTLE INFLATING. Keen-eyed audience members note the NOSE resembles a CHEF'S KNIFE, sort of like when they go to commercial on HELL'S KITCHEN and the spilled olive oil has a pitchfork in it.

INT. JUDY GREER'S HOUSE

Plucky Teen ANDI MATICHAK prepares for her day along with her parents JUDY GREER and TOBY HUSS. TOBY complains about getting PEANUT BUTTER on his PENIS despite wearing PANTS, so that's enough out of TOBY.

ANDI MATICHAK

So Mom, did you invite Grandma to our dinner tonight? I want you all to meet my Seemingly Charming Handsome Boyfriend, Dylan Arnold!

JUDY GREER

Um, er, ah, urk, gulp... yes?!? Ha ha ha

(breaks out in cold sweat)

(every polygraph within 10 miles explodes)

Okay okay, no I didn't.

ANDI MATICHAK

Why not?! Surely after everything Jamie Lee Curtis has been through, all the times she's defeated Michael Myers, she's the official Family Protector, right?

JUDY GREER

This is a new continuity, Andi. In THIS version, after Halloween 1978, your grandma went full Terminator 2 Linda Hamilton, raising me as a doomsday prepper obsessed with the indestructible boogeyman nobody else believes in. Meanwhile Michael Myers has been safely locked away the last 40 years.

ANDI MATICHAK

But what about the six OTHER movies where Michael-

JUDY GREER

Didn't happen.

ANDI MATICHAK

And the super goofy one with robots and laser death masks?

JUDY GREER

REALLY didn't happen.

ANDI MATICHAK

And Rob Zombie's-

JUDY GREER

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT. Now off to school with you!

EXT. HADDONFIELD

ANDI walks to school with her Nice Babysitter Friend VIRGINIA GARDNER and her Stoner Dude Friend MILES ROBBINS in a way that evokes HALLOWEEN 1978!!

MILES ROBBINS

Who even cares about James Jude Courtney and sometimes Nick Castle? He killed five people forty years ago. What's the big deal? I know we're doing a lampshade on this so that the audience will dismiss it, but it's actually a really good point.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Yeah, like, even in terms of Scary 2018 Media Filed Under "H", this thing'll be lucky to snag the bronze.

(sees Bent-Neck Lady)

(decapitates bird)

INT. JAMIE LEE CURTIS'S DEATH RANCH

Meanwhile, our BRAVE INTREPID FILMMAKERS show up at JAMIE LEE'S place and bribe her with a stack of bills to rehash HALLOWEEN again. Then JEFFERSON and RHIAN show up at JAMIE LEE'S place and bribe her with a stack of bills to rehash HALLOWEEN again.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

You really shouldn't be messing with James Jude and sometimes Nick. He's an unstoppable killing machine!

JEFFERSON HALL

Except in this version he was stopped fairly definitively 40 years ago, and hasn't made a peep since.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Nevertheless, I remain convinced that he's getting ready to strike this very Halloween. After being wrong 39 years in a row, I'm confident that a murder spree is RIGHT around the corner!

RHIAN REES

Have you met Haluk? I really feel like you two would click.

JEFFERSON HALL

Well you can relax Jamie, because James Jude And SOmetimes Nick... let's say JJASON for short...

RHIAN REES

Let's not.

JEFFERSON HALL

...yeah. Good catch. You can relax because MICHAEL is being transferred from the secure institution that's kept him safely locked up for 40 years, and taken to some other random jail, in a basic schoolbus down a dark country road, mere HOURS before Halloween, so as you can see everything is fine.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Indeed. Y'all can fuck off now.

(boots out Rhian and Jefferson)

(reloads EVERY DAMN THING)

EXT. OUTSIDE PSYCHIATRIC INSTITUTION - THE NIGHT OF THE TRANSFER

JAMIE LEE watches from her TRUCK as the PRISON BUS prepares to leave.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Fuck this, I'm gonna attack and kill Michael once and for all, right now. I hope I don't screw things up and accidentally help him escape, though that WOULD make for some juicy irony and open up new dramatic aspects for my character...

HALUK BILGINER

(rushing to bus)

Wait! Wait for me! I must personally supervise this transfer, um, because I booked a therapy session for midnight and rescheduling's a bitch! Also I brought this knife-shaped birthday cake and boltcutter-shaped muffins for everybody.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Or that could happen. All right, whatevs.

(gorges on candy beans)

INT. POLICE STATION -- THE NEXT MORNING

COP WILL PATTON comes into work and storms up to BIG HAT SHERIFF GUY OMAR J. DORSEY.

WILL PATTON

We've got a crisis. I responded to a call last night that the prison bus crashed, and found all the guards dead. Also Haluk got critically shot by some kid who wanted to be at dance class instead of out hunting, so I guess the message there is LISTEN TO YOUR SONS, CRANKY OLD DADS.

OMAR J. DORSEY

Says here only a few inmates bothered escaping though, here's a list.

WILL PATTON

My God. Look who was on that bus... James Jude Courtney and sometimes Nick Castle! Do you know what that means?

OMAR J. DORSEY

Fucking right I know what that means, it means I'm leaving this movie right the fuck now! Check THIS shit out, it's a horror film where all the black characters live!

(flies to Europe)

WILL PATTON

So the notorious Halloween killer is going back to the site of his Halloween murders, on Halloween. I wonder if there's any way we could... NOT do Halloween?!?

Sadly in this universe CURFEW or POLICE PATROLS or PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS have not been invented so there is NO WAY to stop HALLOWEEN!!!

EXT. GAS STATION

JEFFERSON and RHIAN stop for gas at a completely random gas station.

RHIAN REES

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll quickly visit the most disgusting bathroom in the world, rather than waiting five minutes until we hit a chain restaurant.

JEFFERSON begins pumping gas unaware that JAMES JUDE has sneakily pulled up behind him!

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY

Good thing I put that Spidey-Tracker on my mask way back when. Now to kill Jefferson and get it back!

(thinks)

Or maybe I'll murder the gas station employees and THEN kill Jefferson to get my mask back.

(thinks)

OR, I'll murder the staff, THEN check the bathroom for other murder victims, and THEN get around to killing Jefferson and getting my mask back. Heh heh, this way Jefferson gets to waste money filling his tank before he dies, I'm such a dick.

JAMES JUDE puts his PLAN into motion, but while taking his sweeeeet fucking time dealing with RHIAN, JEFFERSON bursts in with a crowbar! JAMES JUDE begins ANNIHILATING JEFFERSON.

RHIAN REES

OH SHIIIT! Luckily the crowbar landed close to me, I can grab it and go help!

(grabs crowbar)

(does not help)

Or I could use it to defend myself.

(does not defend self)

Or I could just drop it immediately.

(drops crowbar)

(strangled)

Urk!

(dead)

EXT. HADDONFIELD --- OCTOBER 31ST

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY AND SOMETIMES NICK CASTLE walk around the suburb looking for CHOPPORTUNITIES.

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY

(singing to self)

DOO doo doo, DOO doo doo,

DOO doo DOO doo,

DOO doo doo, DOO doo doo,

DOO doo DOO doo-

(pause)

I'm sorry but after 40 years this theme is just fun now. Must be why the non-music trailer version of these scenes was scarier. Anyhoo, on to murder!

(thinks)

I've gotta come up with something that pays homage to the franchise, while also making my own mark. Hmmm...

DIRECTOR DAVID GORDON GREEN

Hey remember that scene in Halloween 2, where Dick stole a knife from a lady without her noticing?

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY

Who doesn't? It's obviously one of the absolute high points of the franchise, and absolutely merited inclusion in a parody script.

DIRECTOR DAVID GORDON GREEN

Let's do the exact same scene, except you kill the lady before stealing the knife!

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY

(pause)

That's all you got?

DIRECTOR DAVID GORDON GREEN

Yep!

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY

(sighs)

Fine.

JAMES JUDE obligingly strides into veteran stuntwoman MARIAN GREEN's kitchen and MURDERIZES her!

MARIAN GREEN

Eh, you're no Terminator.

(dies)

JAMES JUDE spots a WOMAN in a HOUSE and walks around the house, sneaks inside, and stabs her in the neck all in a single, unbroken shot! Which would be more impressive if CGI wounds weren't a thing!

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY

(rummaging through treat basket)

Fucking hell, nothing but that generic toffee crap? Maybe my next victim will have sprung for some decent chocolate.

Suddenly JAMIE LEE drives up and LEAPS from her truck, waving her GUN around and generally SCREAMING AND RANTING at the children, which goes SURPRISINGLY WELL for her in that she is not immediately SHOT DOWN by every parent in the neighbourhood. The kids FLEE!!

INT. SCHOOL DANCE

Meanwhile ANDI and DYLAN arrive at the SCHOOL DANCE like their story matters in any way.

ANDI MATICHAK

Hi everyone, we're a gender-flipped Bonnie and Clyde! Which also puts me in a pretty similar outfit to Jamie Lee from the 1978 third act, CALLBACK!

DYLAN ARNOLD

Plus I'm ALSO in costume as a cheating douchebag!

(slobbers over nearby girl)

Oh shit I am setting myself up to be killed in like fifty different ways here...

OTHER GIRL

No no, this is a Green-McBride script, which means loathesome characters are rewarded for their awfulness!

DYLAN ARNOLD

Phew! Let's go bang the night away and survive without incident.

They DO THIS.

EXT. HADDONFIELD - NIGHT

ANDI ditches the dance and walks home with her platonic friend DREW SCHEID.

DREW SCHEID

That's so sad about Dylan. Hey I know a shortcut, can I show you? It goes directly from zero to fuckbuddy in just one step-

(goes in for kiss)

ANDI MATICHAK

BBLOORRRRPHHHHHHH

(projectile vomits)

DREW SCHEID

Aw fuck did I ever misread THIS situation! God this is embarrassing, this is the most horribly painful awkward moment ever, I could just fucking die!

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY

Well if you insist.

(murders Drew)

So Andi, I heard you and Dylan broke up, maybe I could STAB IT ALL BETTER?!?

ANDI MATICHAK

FUUUCK! A-ha but if I re-create the "run to neighbours for help" scene, you'll have to let it play out to where I get inside! So there! Even you can't defeat the power of CALLBACK!

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY

Well poop. Any of your friends planning to get busy maybe?

INT. ANOTHER HOUSE

Meanwhile VIRGINIA needs to get her babysitting charge to bed so she can GET BUSY with MILES.

KID

No fucking way, I saw the boogeyman in my room! As in, I saw a literal adult man lurking in my bedroom and for some reason I'm not already on a flight to Europe.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Don't worry, I'll prove it's safe by going in all alone and standing in the dark. See? If there were a homicidal maniac in the closet, he had all day to sneak up and stab me to death. Clearly everything is fine.

KID

I guess you're right.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Now to close this pesky closet door that's ajar. Hm, won't quite close properly. How odd! My gosh what a stubborn door. Let's try again.

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY

Sweet zombie Jesus this is taking forEVERRRRRRRR. Could you please open the door so we can finally do the scary shot that was already spoiled in the trailer? That being the only kind of scary shot we have.

VIRGINIA GARDNER

Okay here goes. Remember to wait until the camera can see you.

(opens door)

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY

SURPRISE

(stabs)

VIRGINIA GARDNER

AAIIEEE!!! Quick kid, runaway! Runaway! And whatever you do don't wait an entire fucking first season before actually running awa

(killed)

MILES ROBBINS

Well fuck this I'm gonna finish him off! That's right it's me, Miles Robbins, who's gonna put and end to this 40-year saga!

(was already murdered halfway through delivering that line)

Eventually the COPS show up, gather JAMIE'S family, and decide the best place to put everyone is NOT inside a fortified police station full of armed cops or something silly like that, but instead back at JAMIE'S isolated house in the woods owned by the town crazy person.

EXT. HADDONFIELD

PATTON is driving a mostly-recovered HALUK and ANDI to meet up with everyone at JAMIE'S.

WILL PATTON

(seat-dancing while driving)

DOO doo doo, DOO doo doo,

DOO doo DOO doo...

Suddenly he spots JAMES JUDE! In a sudden fit of trying to achieve goals directly without fucking around, he RUNS HIM OVER!!

WILL PATTON

Now to finally finish him off! That's right it's me, Will Patton, who's gonna put an end to this 40-year saga!

(draws gun)

HALUK BILGINER

Wait! I need to check his pulse before you turn his brains to lead soup.

WILL PATTON

Dammit outta the way Haluk! I can't take two steps to the left or right for a clean shot, or walk past you! You gotta move!!

However HALUK whirls round and STABS WILL DEAD!! Then he stuffs JAMES JUDE into the back of the cop car with ANDI.

HALUK BILGINER

Now I must take you both to Jamie's house so I can bring about her showdown with Michael Myers! Finally I will learn the truth!!

ANDI MATICHAK

The truth about why he won't talk?

HALUK BILGINER

No, the truth about why Jamie's so damned convinced Michael is coming for her! In this version they're not siblings anymore, she just dropped some keys off, why would he give a shit?!? And really, Michael didn't seem to have any interest in going after her in particular, he was merrily murdering random people until I stepped in!

ANDI MATICHAK

I guess we're trying to completely overhaul the character of Laurie to make a point about PTSD and how it haunts your entire life? Which is rather radically different after almost 40 years of them being siblings. What do you think, Michael OH FUCK HE'S AWAAAKE OH SHHIIIT and he's not even trying to murder me even a little bit, huh. I guess he really doesn't care about my family.

HALUK BILGINER

Well then who is he gonna-

(murdered!)

The CAR has stopped just down the road from JAMIE LEE'S, where TWO WACKY FOOD COPS are stationed!

WACKY FOOD COP #1

You know they don't call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?

WACKY FOOD COP #2

I thought later we could try this shawarma place I spotted.

WACKY FOOD COP #1

Hey what's going on down the road there? We should investi

(dead)

WACKY FOOD COP #2

Shit we don't even get inventive death scenes or scary reveals? Literally ALL of them were in the trailer? What the

(dead)

TOBY HUSS

(arriving)

Hey guys what's going

(dead)

Well at least MY death was on-screen, that's something.

However the mystery of whether TOBY ever successfully removed the PEANUT BUTTER from his DICK is left tragically unresolved!!

INT. JAMIE LEE'S DEATH RANCH

While ANDI runs through woods and screams at target range dummies, JUDY and JAMIE dig in for the CLIMACTIC BATTLE.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

So it all comes down to tonight. It's... the FINAL showdown. Once and for all. For the last, last time.

(to camera)

Anyone buying this? Even a little?

JUDY GREER

I'm just distracted by how this has all led up to James Jude vs. Jamie and Judy.

JAMIE rotates the kitchen island to reveal secret stairs going down to her SECRET BUNKER ROOM, a CLEVER USE of multi-purpose furniture that really maximizes the functionality of the kitchen's LIMITED SQUARE FOOTAGE!!

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

I have 300 guns in this room. You stay here with 299 of them while me and one gun go hunt JJ.

JUDY GREER

Are you sure that's the best plan...

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

I've spent 2/3rd of my life preparing to duel Michael inside this house, so let me reveal my weapon of choice! A 3-foot-long rifle that makes it impossible to turn corners while aiming, is horribly unwieldy in general, and is nearly impossible to reload under pressure! 40 years of gun collecting and THIS, this is the option I'm going with.

JAMIE slowly walks through the dark house full of nooks and crannies and unnecessary furniture and hiding spots, the creaking floorboards announcing her every step, all according to the BIG EPIC FOUR-DECADES-IN-THE-MAKING PLAN that totally ignored LIGHT BULBS and SPRING CLEANING.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

I do however have cool metal gates that slam down to seal rooms off! After I've already blindly wandered into them and presented a great target for Michael of course.

She checks a CLOSET but it's EMPTY! Finally she spots a trail of BLOOD which leads to ANOTHER CLOSET in a room which is also full of CREEPY MANNEQUINS!

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Ohmigod... is he... in the CLOSET?!

(opens door)

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY

Nope, just dead Ray in there. But you're warmer!

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Hm, are you... BEHIND THE MANNEQUINS?!?

(whirls round)

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY OR MAYBE NICK CASTLE

Nope!

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Then are you... IN THE OTHER HALF OF THE CLOSET?!?!

(whirls round)

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY

Um, no, you looked there.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

So then perhaps you're... BEHIND THE MANNEQUINS!!?!

(whirls round)

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY

Nope.

(pause)

Well yes.

JAMES JUDE attacks and throws JAMIE out the second-floor window, CALLBACK! But she vanishes, ANOTHER CALLBACK!

While all this has been going on, ANDI has made her way to the house and into the BUNKER ROOM, but she and JUDY get cornered in the BUNKER ROOM by JAMES JUDE. Except then they SHOOT him and flee the BUNKER ROOM as JAMES JUDE falls into the BUNKER ROOM. Then JUDY sends the BOAT across the river WITH the wolf in it... wait sorry wrong logic puzzle.

Anyway JAMIE throws a switch and BIG SPIKES block the stairs out of the BUNKER ROOM, thus confining JAMES JUDE!

JUDY GREER

Wait what?! Your plan all along was to get him down there? Why did you leave me inside when you went hunting for JJ then?

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

That's right!! It's not a cage... it's a TRAP!

ANDI MATICHAK

(posts Ackbar meme)

JUDY GREER

So I guess you've built the room out of solid steel, essentially turning it into a furnace that will burn him to ash while we watch? Well done!

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Actually, no, I've set the whole house to burn down, thus ensuring that we'll be forced to flee before confirming that he is, in fact, dead, because that's always worked so well in the past. But there's no way he could possibly burst through that flimsy wooden floor that I already shot a hole through.

ANDI MATICHAK

I'd just like to remind everyone that I'm clutching a knife, creating the suggestion that the next film is going to feature a female star from the previous movie taking over slashing duties, Bachelor-Bachelorette style. Will the series finally pull the trigger on that idea, or will this be zero for three?

JAMES JUDE COURTNEY

(heavy breathes over credits)

JUDY GREER

Goddammn it. OF COURSE this shit can never actually fucking conclude or evolve. FORTY FUCKING YEARS and we STILL have to get absolutely nowhere! I swear to God--

JAMIE LEE CURTIS

Hey, remember how 1970s horror movies would just suddenly end?

END

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