G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Sep 23rd, 2009 |
41 Comments
| Movie: 
"Look, I'm glad you invited me to Comic-con, but you're taking the Halo cosplay too far."
FADE IN:
EXT. EURASIA
CHANNING TATUM and MARLON WAYANS are driving along a dirt road.
MARLON WAYANS
As I much as I love driving these top secret ultra deadly nano-missiles to somewhere or another, I’ve been thinking we should join the Air Force.
CHANNING TATUM
Nah, I like being a ground soldier. I want to actually be in the fight, not flying over it.
MARLON WAYANS
“Flying over it”? You hear that, United States Air Force? Director Stephen Sommers wants you to know he thinks you’re a bunch of pussies.
Suddenly their vehicle is attacked by a CGI JET carrying SIENNA MILLER, ARNOLD VOSLOO, and some HENCHMEN.
SIENNA MILLER
Channing, hand over the weapon or I’ll blow your brains out.
CHANNING TATUM
Sienna? Are you a ninja librarian now? Because if so, that’s hot.
MARLON WAYANS
You know this chick?
CHANNING TATUM
I used to be engaged to her. But then her little geek brother joined the army I let him get killed despite unwisely promising I’d protect him.
MARLON WAYANS
Nothing you could do, war is hell.
CHANNING TATUM
Then when I got back I didn’t go to his funeral. I also didn’t speak to her at all, preferring instead that she cope with the death of her brother without the consolation of her future husband.
MARLON WAYANS
…wow. Yeah, go ahead and shoot him I guess.
CHANNING TATUM
That’s no excuse, Sienna! You’ve become totally evil and ridiculous-looking!
SIENNA MILLER
Hey, at least my name doesn’t sound like a present-tense verb.
Suddenly, RACHEL NICHOLS, SAID TAGHMAOUI, ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE, and RAY PARK fly in and chase SIENNA away. CHANNING and MARLON hop into their JET and, after a brief video game cutscene from 1998, land at the TOP SECRET G.I. JOE BASE.
INT. G.I. JOE BASE
CHANNING and MARLON meet DENNIS QUAID.
DENNIS QUAID
(consulting script)
Let’s see here… welcome to this elite unit, yadda yadda yadda… best of the best blah blah blah… dangerous weapon can destroy the world etc… annnnnnnd welcome to G.I. Joe headquarters, where’s my paycheck?
CHANNING TATUM
So what is this? I know you’re not regular army, since two of you have accents.
SAID TAGHMAOUI
Oh, I didn’t realize people from other countries were no longer allowed to become American citizens, asshole. Anyway, I’m “Breaker”. I’m the resident gadget guy. Whenever the writers can’t get out of a problem, I spew some scientific-sounding horseshit and fix it with wires and batteries.
RACHEL NICHOLS
I’m “Scarlett”. I’m pretty much only here because the villains have a female on the team and otherwise there would be no hot chickfights.
ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE
I’m “Heavy Duty” and my specialty is that I’m the black guy.
MARLON WAYANS
Are you the obnoxious, wise-cracking black guy or the stern, intimidating black guy?
ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE
Second one.
MARLON WAYANS
Sweet, there’s an opening for me.
CHANNING TATUM
(pointing at Ray Park)
And who’s this walking action figure?
RACHEL NICHOLS
That’s “Snake Eyes”. He doesn’t talk.
CHANNING TATUM
Because he took a mysterious vow of silence when he was in training?
RACHEL NICHOLS
Nah, I think it’s because someone made his costume with skin-tight lips for some reason.
RAY PARK
Mrrphhgle.
CHANNING TATUM
Man, Ray Park just cannot seem to find speaking roles. Does the guy sound like a chipmunk or something?
CHANNING and MARLON go through a TRAINING sequence that everyone has seen a thousand times before. Meanwhile…
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT
CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON berates SIENNA MILLER.
CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON
How could you let them get away with the warheads? They contain magical tiny robots that eat metal and do anything else the plot requires!
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
Speaking of which, my nanomite solution has been injected into our soldiers. They are now incapable of feeling physical pain.
CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON
You gave us an army of James Bond villains?
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
Slow down there, this shit is nowhere near as realistic as James Bond.
INT. G.I. JOE BASE
MARLON and CHANNING continue training. MARLON scores 99% on the “Hogan’s Alley Challenge”.
RACHEL NICHOLS
You missed one. The record is 100%.
MARLON WAYANS
Who got that, Ray Park?
RACHEL NICHOLS
Nope, it was actually–
MARLON WAYANS
Said? Dennis Quaid? Brendan Fraser? Mark Wahlberg?
RACHEL NICHOLS
He’s not even in the movie! No, it was–
MARLON WAYANS
Well I know it wasn’t you, since you’re the only chump on the team whose weapon actually has to aim for her.
SUDDENLY, SIENNA and some HENCHMEN enter and they fight. Everyone fights against their EQUAL but SIENNA escapes with the NUCLEAR ECTO-COOLER and CHANNING TATUM.
MARLON WAYANS
We have to get Channing back. If they kill him, he won’t be able to be some other director’s third choice.
SAID TAGHMAOUI
Hold on, I can use the neutron polarity inversion to imbalance the density protocol carrier and… yep, they’re underneath the polar icecaps.
RACHEL NICHOLS
The polar ice caps? But we’ll need the Arctic Blast to carry us and we don’t have one!
ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE
Hey, kids! The Joes need your help! Buy 10 qualifying G.I. Joe brand action figures and send the proofs of purchase and a check for $20 to G.I. Joe Headquarters to receive your very own limited edition Arctic Blast vehicle! Limit one per household, offer void where prohibited.
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT
MARLON, SAID, RACHEL, ADEWALE, and RAY all break into THE VILLAIN HIDEOUT PLAYSET. Meanwhile, JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT explains his evil plan to CHANNING.
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
…so you see, it all started with Christopher Eccleston selling weapons to both sides, but eventually I will take over as commander of this evil terrorist organization!
CHANNING TATUM
So, basically, the bad guys in this franchise are so utterly ridiculous that they require an entire movie to justify their existence?
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
Yes, it’s even the movie subtitle. By the way, I’m Sienna’s brother, the one you thought you let die!
CHANNING TATUM
And Sienna has been working next to you for the last four years without figuring this out?
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
Correct.
CHANNING TATUM
And Cobra Commander is going to end up being the scrawny kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun?
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
Yep.
CHANNING TATUM
Yeah, I can see why they thought they’d need an entire movie to justify that.
CHANNING escapes, but so do JOSEPH and CHRISTOPHER. They launch NANOMITE WARHEADS at MOSCOW and WASHINGTON, D.C. Meanwhile, ADEWALE leads an assault on the UNDERWATER BASE, killing thousands of innocent henchmen that are under the influence of MIND CONTROL.
CHANNING TATUM
Wow, look at all the crazy crap going on. This movie must have been expensive as hell.
RACHEL NICHOLS
Are you kidding? All we did was film a 10-year-old boy playing with action figures and then digitally remove him.
MARLON WAYANS
Those warheads need to be shot down. And since earlier I referenced being a pilot, this seems like the only thing in the movie I might be good at. Unless, for some reason, you need someone to dress up like a blond white girl while looking like a hideous monster from the depths of hell.
MARLON boards a jet and then flies to MOSCOW.
MARLON WAYANS
Alright I’ve targeted the missile, but there’s no way to fire my weapons!
RACHEL NICHOLS
It must use a trigger word. Try “Fantastic”. Don’t ask.
MARLON shoots down the missile, which doesn’t eat through everything after it explodes for some reason.
MARLON WAYANS
Alright, now guide me to Washington D.C. for the other one.
RACHEL NICHOLS
That’s nearly 5,000 miles away and you have fifteen minutes. You’d have to travel at 20,000 miles per hour. That’s about 26 times the speed of sound.
MARLON WAYANS
Said, hook me up.
SAID TAGHMAOUI
Oh uh, localize the bandwidth thruster to balance the flux reversal.
MARLON flies to the other MISSILE and crashes into it. The NANOMITES start eating through his METAL SHIP so he ejects and the NANOMITES decide not to eat through his METAL SUIT.
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT gives CHRISTOPHER a METAL MASK and injects him with MIND CONTROL NANOMITES.
CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON
Really? Going forward, the second-in-command is just going to be another person under the influence of mind control? Weaksauce, Tommy.
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
From now on, you will call me…
(putting on skull from Indiana Jones 4)
COMMANDER!
CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON
(laughing hysterically)
Ohhh, so this scene is the reason theaters showing this movie have piss stains on the seats!
CHRISTOPHER and JOSEPH are CAPTURED and placed in MAGNETO’S PRISON CELL as if they have some kind of super-powers.
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
This isn’t over! They gave Michael Bay a second Transformers movie, there’s no way this brainless pile of shit won’t get a sequel.
CHANNING TATUM
I’ll be channing, Joseph.
Meanwhile, ARNOLD VOSLOO uses NANOMITES to impersonate the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES and takes control of the country.
ARNOLD VOSLOO
Finally, my plan to masquerade as president has succeeded and my incessant whistling of “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” has become relevant!
PRESIDENT’S AIDE
Mr. President, you seem slightly different. Like this somehow isn’t your first Stephen Sommers movie.
ARNOLD VOSLOO
No idea what you’re talking about. I’m definitely the president. Um, but if anyone comes around asking for my birth certificate or anything, tell them I lost it.
PRESIDENT’S AIDE
Can’t imagine that being a problem, sir.
END
I was a huge fan of the comics, but this movie took a big crap all over it, plus it stole from a lot of other movies & should have been called:
"GI Joe – The Recycling Of Cobra."
1) Terminator rip-off with the "feel no pain" soldiers. There were more Terminators & lasers than TSalvation
2) Iron Man rip-off with those stupid accelerator suits.
3) Tons of Bond rip-offs, too many to list.
4) Tons of Star Wars rip-offs:
a) Duke/Lando trying to escape Cobra base/Death Star
b) Cobra Commander Rex/Darth Vader. Yes his name is Rex.
5) Firefox rip-off. The actual Clint Eastwood Firefox plane is used, complete with foreign language voice activated weapons.
6) Sinking ice. Seriously, ice SINKS, and destroys the steel base.
7) Dennis Quaid is either doing a John Wayne impression or thought he was on a SNL skit.
8) A satire of this movie would use the same script.
9) They wore out the Bat-Physics-Violator
10) The Pit is in the desert. Who covers up the hatch with loose sand when it's closed?
11) They took a big crap on the source material
a) Snake-Eyes "mouth" & vow of silence, origin as kids.
b) Duke/Baroness, Scarlett/Rip-Cord.
c) The masks. In the comics, SE was disfigured & had to wear a mask, while Destro & CC just wore one as a disguise.
12) Who transports a city destoying bomb by car thru mountainous terrain? If it's that dangerous, wouldn't you send more than 3 cars, or maybe out it on a plane?
13) Why did Destro need to take his bomb to Sienna's husband to activate? He invented the thing, why couldn't he activate it himself?
Sledge Hammer! creator Alan Spencer once joked about Hollywood's inablity to respect the source material:
Producer 1: Let's remake "Hawaii 5-0"
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:02 pmProducer 2: Great! Does it have to be set in Hawaii?
Hahaha, excellent work as ever, Rod.
"I’ll be channing, Joseph."
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:34 pm[...] G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room – DENNIS QUAID [...]
September 23rd, 2009 at 10:02 am[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Todd and Entertain Real. Entertain Real said: The new G.I. Joe movie if it were shorter and more honest #entertainment http://bit.ly/3qlSEZ [...]
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:17 am[...] the rest here: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room By admin | category: movie script | tags: entry | FILM MIXX: Book Of Blood Free [...]
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:21 amAwesome Script! Well worth the wait, I had fun at the movie but i still agree with your script how lame the film was
I thought you would point out the fact that the Us president spoke with a british accent, i found that too be the funniest thing in the whole movie
So what movie is next, damn i wish you wrote more scripts they are so funny to read
September 23rd, 2009 at 7:15 pmloved Obama ref
September 23rd, 2009 at 7:45 pm"Fantastic" as a Doctor Who reference? Nice!
September 23rd, 2009 at 9:55 pmGreat stuff, as always.
MARLON WAYANS
Alright, now guide me to Washington D.C. for the other one.
RACHEL NICHOLS
That’s nearly 5,000 miles away and you have fifteen minutes. You’d have to travel at 20,000 miles per hour. That’s about 26 times the speed of sound.
MARLON WAYANS
Said, hook me up.
September 23rd, 2009 at 10:03 pmI didn't see the movie, but I remember the first time I saw an ad thinking it was a trailer for a Crackdown movie. That should say it all, really.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:53 am"We have to get Channing back. If they kill him, he won’t be able to be some other director’s third choice." Awesome.
And the Air Force is full of pussies. You ever met those guys? When they're not burning ants with magnifying glasses they're trolling World at War Multiplayer going on about how much cooler the game would be with "air power". I usually have to put them in their places right quick.
Also, cute Obama reference. (although whether or not he has a birth certificate is irrelevant, as everyone knows.)
September 24th, 2009 at 1:08 amJOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT: This isn’t over! They gave Michael Bay a second Transformers movie, there’s no way this brainless pile of shit won’t get a sequel.
Oh, the scariest part is that there will be a Transformers/G.I. Joe crossover sequel.
And it'll probably premiere the same day as the Twilight/Sex and the City crossover.
Though I'm sure the universe will self-destruct before it lets that happen.
September 24th, 2009 at 1:54 amMy favorite bit from the Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow plotline is how the two kids are basically equally skilled and devoted to their training (they seem to trade victories one-for-one in the flashbacks) but their dick of a sensei has nothing but praise for Snake — who stumbled upon the dojo during his career as a thief, after all — and nothing but scorn for 'Shadow, who did nothing worse than defend his household. And it goes on for ten years or more. I'd want to kill the sonuvabitch too.
September 24th, 2009 at 2:05 amWhen I first saw the trailer for this movie, I thought "Oh no, they're making another Matrix sequel". The truth, of course, quickly turned out to be even worse.
Nice script, as usual.
September 24th, 2009 at 3:37 amThey lost me at G.I. Movie.
They really lost me at Accelerator Suits.
Killed myself around "Directed by Stephen Sommers."
Chair Force. "Whenever there's a war, you Navy boys always give us a ride."
September 24th, 2009 at 3:50 amWhew. I knew I skipped this for a reason; I just didn't know there were THAT MANY reasons.
September 24th, 2009 at 9:04 pmThank you for this valuable post. It changed my idea.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:21 pmFabulous blog. Do you have a donation button?
September 25th, 2009 at 11:12 pmI know, it’s unbelievable, isn’t it? Where will it end?
September 26th, 2009 at 5:27 pm"Posting someday"? Well, the dates were nice while they lasted.
September 27th, 2009 at 2:12 amWow Nobody pointed out that the end of G.I Joe with a villian taking the president's place was a direct rip-off of X-Men first movie when the villian took the president's place.
September 27th, 2009 at 2:52 amseconded.
September 27th, 2009 at 3:17 am[...] :: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: The Abridged Script [...]
September 26th, 2009 at 11:31 pmDates show up only when I know when they are going up. Don't know when IB is going up because I haven't written in yet. When I finish IB and decide on a date, the date will show up on the mouseover.
September 27th, 2009 at 4:19 amWell, Rod…
Didn't see this film, and won't, as it looked shit in the trailer. But you're actually going to attempt Inglourious Basterds? Fair play to you, it's the best thing I've seen this year…I look forward to seeing what you do to it.
(Then again, you also did Star Trek '09 and Gran Torino, but there's no Slumdog Millionaire to be found.)
September 27th, 2009 at 9:43 pmActually, this movie isnt half bad….that is, if you're drunk, willing to watch mindless action flicks (literally, mindless), and just close your eyes and pretend that the Laws of Physics don't exist at all.
September 28th, 2009 at 12:33 pm[...] The Editing Room presents G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: The Abridged Script. [...]
September 29th, 2009 at 7:36 amThat mentality is exactly why Hollywood continues to pump out bullshit.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:49 amActually, I was meaning to say that it would take a complete retard on drugs and alcohol to be able to truly enjoy this movie. Seriously, I got bored with this film right after the battle in the gi joe hanger….bored with an ACTION movie. There were so many cliches and predictable parts that it wasnt even funny (Snake eyes and storm shadow knowing each other was one thing, but with Storm Shadow constantly saying craplike "Hello, Brother" or "you took a vow of silence, now you will die without a word!"). Actually, I thought this movie was worse than Transformers 2, although im not completely sure why…
September 30th, 2009 at 8:13 amI thought it was even worse than that. It looked like Storm Shadow won every time except the last time, and never got any praise from the sensei. Then snake eyes won once, and the sensei heaped praise on him.
October 6th, 2009 at 11:28 amEither way, I agree with you, I'd have been pissed off too if I was Storm Shadow.
…except that even when you realize it's just a show, you can't just relax.
Also, technically the impersonated Senator was a villain as well, so the heroes weren't any worse off (actually slightly better since the "villain" in this case was sympathetic to their plight, if not in agreement about methods).
So yeah, like Harry said, completely original!
October 6th, 2009 at 5:04 pmSorry to crash this thread with a technical question, but can you explain how to get an RSS feed for your comments?
October 8th, 2009 at 8:08 pmThis blog is hilarious! Keep ‘em coming.
October 8th, 2009 at 10:20 pmThat is their way of trying to make the movie "deep" and giving the villain a sympathetic motive to be evil
Same with the girl, too, of course.
Even the evil business man had the stupid 2 hundred year ago backstory.
October 19th, 2009 at 12:19 amWoosh
October 28th, 2009 at 7:53 amYou'd think, at bare minimum, they'd get The Baroness right. I mean, she's one of the most famous villainesses out there (not saying much, I know) surely they could get that right?
Nope, they turn her into a good guy.
I mean, what the hell? We've got people going "don't make me shoot a woman" we've got a ninja that refuses to kill women, the only one going all "woe is me" after Cobra breaks into the Pit is Scarlet, and then the only evil woman isn't allowed be evil, because women are apparently pure and innocent creatures that manly men must protect. On top of everything else, the damn movie's sexist. Let women be bad, dammit!
November 24th, 2009 at 10:01 amThe reason no one pointed out the end scene with the present is because nobody actually watched the movie to its conclusion…
December 12th, 2009 at 9:31 pmYou left out the fact that Zartan, even before they stick needles in his face and inject magic science robots under his skin, is referred to as a "master of disguise" based on the fact that he can kill a guy and put on his hat.
December 13th, 2009 at 4:58 pmI cant belive you're going to do Avatar. That movie is almost perfection for me…I damn near believe in Pandora and the Na'vi now.
December 31st, 2009 at 6:53 amBut then I thought the same thing about Dark Knight, and I really liked your script. But not as much as I love christian bale.
;)
hey hey…what about the asian guy on the bad side that dies………….
January 4th, 2010 at 11:07 amRACHEL NICHOLS
It must use a trigger word. Try “Fantastic”. Don’t ask.
Reference win.
January 26th, 2010 at 5:07 am