THOR: THE DARK WORLD
The Abridged Script
The 3D AUDIENCE is briefly pranked into believing that there will be a CAPTAIN AMERICA SUBPLOT before realizing they're watching a TRAILER, which features a brand spanking new SHIELD HELICARRIER being REVEALED and then TOTALLY DESTROYED within TWO MINUTES, and wraps up with the tantalizing promise of SOME RANDOM EMO DUDE.
FADE IN FOR REAL:
EXT. THE DARK WORLD - 5,000 YEARS AGO
A BIG SWIRLY ENERGY FIELD THINGIE appears, because the superhero genre to date has been so painfully lacking in BIG SWIRLY ENERGY FIELD THINGIES.
ANTHONY HOPKINS (V/O)
Before the universe existed, there was only the terrible destructive force known as the Aether. That, and the Dark Elves.
And the Ancient Ones, the Old Ones, the Djinn, the Silk Man, the Life Entity, the Hounds of Tindalos, the Nibblonians, possibly the Celestials... honestly there was a whole fuckton of stuff, pretty much all of it evil. But for now, we're going to focus on the Dark Elves and their leader, Christopher Eccleston, who declared himself the eternal enemy of all that is true and good when he declined to participate in the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary special.
I mean really, GET OVER yourself, Destro.
The AUDIENCE is treated to a montage of JEDI fighting ORCS in ZACK SYNDER'S SPARTA.
ANTHONY HOPKINS (V/O)
Anyway, the Dark Elves tried to use the Aether to wipe out the Nine Realms, during the last Convergence. But the Asgardians defeated them, and they assumed Eccleston was killed even though nobody saw him die and they never found his body, as you do.
The Aether was too dangerous and powerful to keep, but could not be destroyed. So my father, the King, made certain it would never, ever be found again, by placing it inside a cave.
In plain view, on an exposed ledge, in a big, scary, conspicuous box, engraved with runes saying "NO AETHER HERE, HONEST", completely sealed except for a slit going all the way through, allowing the Aether to remain visible and also infect anyone who got close enough.
I found my Christmas presents early EVERY DAMN YEAR. Without even TRYING. Hell, one time they were under my own pillow. Dear Old Dad did not understand hiding, is my point.
INT. ASGARD - PRESENT DAY
TOM HIDDLESTON is brought in chains before ANTHONY HOPKINS.
You've done it this time, Tom. You have the implied blood of hundreds of offscreen innocents on your hands, and nearly brought about the destruction of the human race. I must impose the harshest punishment on...
...oh, I can't stay mad at YOU, you loveable scamp! Just chill in your room until we need you, okay?
EXT. REALM #4: THE REALMENING
The annual BRAVEHEART-MEETS-EXCALIBUR convention is about to go sour when CHRIS HEMSWORTH arrives in a FABULOUS RAINBOW BURST!
Oh goodie, Thor's here! Want to pop a keg, bra?
No, thank you. For I have left my foolish youth behind, and am now an older, wiser, more mature, straight-up stoic hero type. Or in other words, dull as fuck.
That's okay, thanks for saving my village! Allow me to repay you by lending my assistance with--
Sorry, it's time to dump your ass faster than Jet Li in Expendables 2. I'll keep all my white war buddies around, though.
Shit dude, what happened to pandering to Asian audiences? I thought that's what every blockbuster did now! This is some Norse-grade bullshit.
I dunno, I might prefer having no character arc instead of "Crush on Thor - Fail - Repeat".
The other WARRIORS get drunk celebrating ASGARDIAN EXCEPTIONALISM and their INTERVENTIONIST FOREIGN POLICY while CHRIS HEMSWORTH broods manfully.
You seem troubled, Chris. Is it because you, an immortal, have fallen in love with a mortal woman?
It's partly that. And partly the thought of having to ask Robert Pattinson for advice.
Well, I might have something insightful to say, if I weren't so beyond fucking bored by all this. Tell you what, go fuck Jaimie Alexander, that's your All-Seeing Odin Bulletin for today. Now go find a way to bring Tom back into the movie before the audience lapses into an even deeper coma than I'm in.
Hey, Tom is master of illusion and disguise. D'you think that right now, since he's safely locked up, we should all establish some code words with each other, in case Tom tries impersonating any of us?
HA HA HA HA HA oh you and your crazy ideas. See, this is why you're not ready to be King yet.
INT. RESTAURANT - LONDON
NATALIE PORTMAN is on a date with CHRIS O'DOWD who, thanks to a later cameo by CHRIS EVANS, has to settle for being FOURTH-STRING CHRIS on this movie.
Oh sure, #1 Chris may have been busy restoring kingdoms and single-hammeredly battling giant rock monsters, but I've been just as valiant in my own way, restoring my LavaLife profile and heroically doing battle on the dating circuit!
So Natalie, you must be wondering how a blockbuster superhero movie already full of narrative threads can possibly find time for a tertiary rom-com subplot. Funny thing--
Holy shit Natalie there's readings! THE GIZMOS HAVE MOTHERFUCKING READINGS!!
...the fuck just happened
EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE
NATALIE, KAT, and INTERN GUY THAT WE WON'T BOTHER MENTIONING AGAIN follow the READINGS to the WAREHOUSE.
Wow, this place is full of gravitational anomalies and wormholes that make random items disappear to God knows where. We should wander around until something bad happens to us.
Sure enough NATALIE gets wormholed to a CUT SCENE in the AETHER CAVE where she gets INFECTED!
Oh man, I can't even press Z or wiggle the nunchuck to get out of this? URK!
She wakes up back outside the WAREHOUSE!
Fuck's sake Nat, you've been gone five hours! I called the police, so I could start throwing cops through various wormholes until one of them found you. What happened?
I think I've been infected with an evil destructive power from the dawn of time that might kill me. But it also creates a neat anti-rain shield, so those days of wondering whether to bring an umbrella? GONE.
Suddenly an ENORMOUS SPARKLE BOMB announces the arrival of CHRIS HEMSWORTH!
Thank goodness, it's Thor! And his costume that sometimes has sleeves, sometimes not!
Yes, 'tis I! Idris Elba told me that his super-detection power could no longer see you. So naturally, I rushed to Earth in case you'd been replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal or Anne Hathaway or anybody interesting. I mean Kat may have a voice like a bone saw but at least you know when she's onscreen...
Oh, you're still here.
...which is great!
SEVERAL HUNDRED THOUSAND LIGHT-YEARS ACROSS THE ENDLESS VOID and BEHIND AN ASTEROID away, the DARK ELF SHIPS flicker to life!
Someone has disturbed the Aether, thus rousing us from our eternal sleep!
Huh, so if they'd just flung the Aether into deep space 5000 years ago, we'd have been completely screwed.
Yes, our vengeance is at hand! First I shall turn into a "Kursed", which makes me super-awesome powerful but will also kill me, like, someday. Then I shall infiltrate the enemies of Asgard, be defeated in battle, get myself taken prisoner, and be thrown in the royal dungeon, that should take all of 40 seconds. TO GLORY!!
INT. ASGARD MEDICAL COLLEGE
What's going on here? Surely HUMAN doctors can deal with being supernaturally bound to ancient forces of mythic destruction? I mean really, do I have to be in ANOTHER goddamn scene, I am so fucking over all of this.
I've been trying to get Natalie into Odincare for hours, but it keeps timing out! Help us!
I knew I shouldn't have lifted the ban on pre-universe-existing conditions. Very well! I shall help, in the form of telling you the entire backstory of the Aether and the Dark Elves, AGAIN. This will lull the Aether to sleep and buy us time.
Phew, thanks! But wait... why was the Aether hidden IN one of the Realms that become wormhole-ridden during a Convergence, also known as the worst fucking time for someone to have the Aether? You guys have space travel, why not use a Mars cave, or another solar system altogether?
Apparently my grandfather sucked balls at hiding things. Anthony goes on and on about finding his Christmas presents early... of course HE had to hide my PS3 under ten tons of concrete and I'm STILL waiting for the manufacturer's warranty to--
And if they existed before anything else why are they "Dark" Elves? Shouldn't they just be "Elves"? Or did they start as elves, and then muta-
MARVEL STUDIO LAWYERS
(diving in slow motion)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO DON'T SAY THE FORBIDDEN WOOOOOOOOOORD
Oh that's right, I forgot that the assholes at Fox copyrighted a common noun. Hey, how about for Avengers 2 we forget Ultron and fuck up those guys instead?
At that very moment, ADEWALE is led into the DUNGEON where he DOUBLE-ACTIVATES his KURSED POWER, which strongly resembles the EXTREMIS POWER from IRON MAN 3 but what the hey. He BUSTS OUT!
HA HA! And what's more, I've synchronized this with an exterior spaceship attack! It may seem like I have no way of doing that, but I told them to attack when that guy in the third row finished his hot dog.
Outside, IDRIS ELBA spots a CLOAKED DARK ELF SHIP and ATTACKS it all WOLVERINE-VERSUS-SENTINEL STYLE!!
FINALLY I GET TO FUCKING DOOO SOMETHIIIIIIING
That's right bitches, Idris Elba has fucking ARRIVED!!
(sees 200 more ships decloak)
Well that was useless.
The DARK ELF SHIPS start SHOOTING and CRASHING INTO things including the PALACE! A group of ASGUARDS rush towards a crashed DARK ELF SHIP just as the DARK ELVES emerge and start BLASTING!!
Fuck, did we just bring swords to a laser fight?
Don't worry, we kicked these guys' asses in the prologue. We'll be fine...
(entire squad is killed)
Don't worry Padme! The palace guard will handily dispatch these invading aliens! We shan't let the evil Trade Federation get you...
Why don't you take a deep breath and try doing that line again.
can natalie come play
Finally I, TOO, get to fucking do something!!
(kicks Eccleston's ass)
That's right bitches, Rene Russo has fucking ARRI-
(stabbed by Adewale)
NOOOO!!! Curse our particular blend of immortality, that can withstand near-infinite crushing and energy damage but one sharp edge and WE'RE TOTALLY FUCKED!
Oh crap, we didn't count on facing Thor when we planned our attack on Asgard, home of Thor! Better retreat and wait for a better time, since the same Kursed power that makes me mightier than him, will also fuck me dead at any moment.
(grabs Eccleston, flees)
My wife... dead! Asgard... in tatters! Our ancient enemies... returned stronger than ever!! Oh, what fresh cruelty doth wicked Fate have next in store?!?
Meanwhile STELLAN SKARSGARD has NO PANTS.
INT. WAR ROOM - ASGARD
There's no time to rebuild the castle shield. I mean, maybe there WOULD have been time before we spent a week planning Rene Russo's funeral, but right now? We're fucked. As in, utterly defenceless.
I had defences once. It was horrible.
What, I need to give you a plan now? Fine. As the most battle-hardened leader here, I order everyone to sit with their thumb up their ass until our enemies regroup and come wipe us out! And that goes double for you, Chris! I want to see BOTH thumbs up that ass!!
Fuck's sake, everywhere I go, there's some asshole with an eyepatch bossing me around.
INT. OFFICIAL TREASON-PLOTTING CHAMBER
CHRIS gathers TOM HIDDLESTON, JAIMIE ALEXANDER, ZACHARY LEVI, RAY STEVENSON, and IDRIS ELBA for a SECRET MEETING.
Good news guys, I came up with a plan that allows you all to help, without giving any of you too much screen time.
After all, we can't forget who the cornerstone of this franchise is.
So Tom, Natalie, and I will escape while running into exactly the same number of guard squads as we have buddies to hold them off. Then I'll use Tom's secret backdoor canyon to enter the Dark World and oh fuck I just created 86 more terabytes of fanfic didn't I.
Look, I'm not sure about this plan of yours.
You may be God of the Storm, and Nat may be at death's door...
But listen up, my friend Thor...
(lays down groove)
It's not too bright to trust Loki.
It's not alright to trust Loki!
It's just not right to trust Loki!
ENOUGH, you dim-witted hooligans!! Come, let's away!
CHRIS'S plan WORKS, and soon enough he PLUNGES DESPERATELY into TOM'S MYSTERIOUS CREVASSE and oh crap there's another 53 terabytes... um, but NATALIE'S with them too, being all faint and vulnerable aaaaaaand that didn't help.
EXT. DARK WORLD
So Tom, do you want to deal with how you gave Adewale directions to Rene's chambers, thus getting our Mom killed?
...aw shucks, forget it! Let's do this.
But suddenly, TOM pulls a TOTALLY-EXPECTED TOTALLY-UNEXPECTED DOUBLE-CROSS, cutting off CHRIS'S HAND and delivering NATALIE to CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON!
(extracting Aether from Natalie)
A-HA! My hand ISN'T cut off, it's an illusion! And although the SAME illusion concealing my hand could ALSO have concealed my hammer, I must now summon it to me, because Thor summoning his hammer is ALWAYS cool! ALWAYS!!
That's what YOU think! But somehow I've convinced myself that the ageless Aether, that could not be annihilated by the combined might of all Asgard, will surely be wiped out by a bolt of lightning!
(zaps Aether, uselessly)
WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING
Time for me to kick some Asgardian!
(begins wailing on Tom & Chris)
NOT SO FAST! Now for the OTHER master stroke of the plan, where Tom's illusions also concealed ME!
Yes, after Idris Elba used the Bifrost to summon me to Asgard, I stashed myself on the boat Chris took here, remaining undetected until I could deliver the crucial blow, thus...
(handed script rewrites)
Wait, where'd that part go? Now it says Idris makes an empty symbolic gesture before fucking off for the rest of the movie, and I don't even see my name any-
ECCLESTON takes off! Meanwhile ADEWALE and TOM manage to VIOLENTLY IMPALE EACH OTHER and what IS it with you people.
NOOO you can't die, Tom! The Marvel Cinematic Uni... er, I, need you!
Nope, it's the end for me. You know Marvel, dead is dead. One MILLION percent.
Ermahgerd, Tom is totes dead for realz! And look, I found my car keys! That means a wormhole from the warehouse leads here, and I guess it also means we never actually needed Tom's help to get here in the first place, oops.
EXT. EARTH - NATALIE'S PLACE
The GANG meet up to figure out their PLAN and FINALLY PUT SOME GODDAMN PANTS ON STELLAN SKARSGARD.
So as we've explained three times already, Eccleston can use the Aether to destroy the Nine Realms during the Convergence which is happening now. But all we have to stop him, really, are these metal poles that detect wormhole activity.
Wait! I can convert the detection-poles into uberpowerful control-poles, much like one can convert headphones into an iPod!
Aah. Does anyone mind if we pause so I can savour my one and only active contribution to the...
NO TIME! BIG CRAZY FINAL FIGHT NOW!!
Sure enough, CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON arrives in his COMMAND SHIP and PLOWS IT INTO THE GROUND, since apparently this is the only way DARK ELF SHIPS can LAND.
BATTLE is joined!! CHRIS and CHRISTOPHER take turns PUMMELLING THE FUCK OUT OF EACH OTHER while NATALIE and STELLAN twist KNOBS AND SHIT trying to control the WORMHOLES but generally only MAKING THINGS MORE FUCKED UP.
YOU ARE NOT HELPING AS MUCH AS YOU MIGHT THINK
Meanwhile THOR'S HAMMER spends most of the fight COMPLETELY DEVOTED TO FRANTICALLY CHASING AFTER THOR which suggests that the WRITERS have decided the hammer is FEMALE.
Damn, teleported into a comic sidebar moment during the final battle! And without my trusty hammer, I must rely on this mortal transport device. I hope Mjolnir reaches me soon!
Doesn't your hammer only come to you when you stick out your arm and make frowny faces?
(transfers to Jubilee line)
CHRIS valiantly takes the JUBILEE LINE south to GREEN PARK, then transfers to the PICCADILLY LINE eastbound to KING'S CROSS where he has his choice of the CIRCLE LINE, HAMMERSMITH LINE, or METROPOLITAN LINE to reach LIVERPOOL STREET STATION where he finds Mjolnir and BASHES A TELEPORT CONTROL ROD RIGHT INTO CHRIS ECCLESTON'S FUCKING CHEST.
Awesome! Now I can teleport Eccleston and his ship to the Dark World, where the ship will fall and crush him like the wannabe Wile E. Coyote that he is! Yup, turns out the only thing in Creation that can neutralize the Aether is a Looney Tunes ending.
INT. ASGARD - THRONE ROOM
CHRIS HEMSWORTH does some POST-GAME ANALYSIS with ANTHONY HOPKINS.
So, we gonna talk about all that treason stuff that my friends and I did?
Nah, it's all good.
Cool. Want to hold my hammer a sec?
I, er, don't feel like it. Instead let's have a heartwarming moment about fathers and sons and shit.
Indeed! That was a nice moment. Sure would suck if we completely undercut it somehow.
But SHOCKINGLY, to anyone with the attention span of MULCH, ANTHONY is really TOM HIDDLESTON!
Nyah ha ha, the throne of Asgard is finally MINE! Now I shall assume ALL of Anthony's Kingly duties, including military, political, and marit--
Maybe it's just as well Rene got killed off.
INT. TRIPPY SPACE-MUSEUM-TYPE PLACE
JAIMIE brings THE ENCHANTED BOX THAT BARELY LOST OUT TO NATALIE PORTMAN DURING CASTING to BENICIO DEL TORO, who is playing beloved Marvel character WEIRDEST-FUCKING-GUY-IN-THE-UNIVERSE MAN.
So somehow we got the Aether out of Eccleston and now it's a gem or some shit. We figured it's safer in some creepazoid's library than buried in the heart of a sun somewhere, so here you are.
BENICIO DEL TORO
One down... five to go. Heh heh heh.
...FIVE?!? SERIOUSLY?! Holy fuck this is going to take till goddamn 2037.
INT. NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT
NATALIE is hard at work MOPING when...
I SAY THEE "NOOKIE"!!!
Oh thank God you're back, there's a giant alien beast rampaging through London and blrmmpphfffmblfbmm
An IMMORTAL EMBRACE... from the GOD of THUNDER! But FEAR NOT, gentle readers, the ALIEN BEAST was handily dealt with in thrilling fashion by the intrepid MARVEL'S AGENTS OF SHIELDBBWAH HA HA HA HA HOOOOOO BOY OH THAT'S RICH no seriously Torchwood got it.
Alex W. just so happens to share the exact same genetic code as the patriarch of an alien interstellar corporation, which is invaluable for his daytime sewer maintenance job. He usually watches movies with his wife Barbara, the funniest person he knows and the source of many of his best jokes. If you're only reading this to find the Fourth Clue of Zabador, here it is: MAGNET