"I know it's awkward but we really, REALLY need to talk about your dandruff problem."


"I know it's awkward but we really, REALLY need to talk about your dandruff problem."

THE AVENGERS (1998)

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. QUAINT LITTLE BRITISH VILLAGE

RALPH FIENNES walks through the VILLAGE all DAPPER and SMUG, fending off SURPRISE ATTACKS with his INSUFFERABLE-TWAT-FU, for it is actually a TESTING GROUNDS for the top-secret spy agency called THE MINISTRY!

MINISTRY AGENT

Jolly good show old chap, have some tea

RALPH FIENNES

I do love a nice cup of tea

RALPH sips his ALOOFPRICKISH TEA, SMUGFUCKILY.

INT. UMA THURMAN'S SWANKY PAD

UMA THURMAN is a BRILLIANT DOCTOR who everybody calls MRS. in a playful shout-out to the CHEERFUL SEXISM of the original series. She gets a LETTER telling her to answer her PHONE because why would anyone just answer their PHONE.

UMA THURMAN

Hello might I order some tea

A voice on the PHONE tells her to go meet RALPH at the GENTLEMEN'S CLUB despite her NON-GENTLEMAN status.

UMA THURMAN

Perhaps they shall have some tea

INT. GENTLEMEN'S CLUB, SO CALLED BECAUSE IT WOULD NORMALLY HAVE ONLY GENTLEMEN IN IT, WHAT RATHER JOLLY TOP SHOW OLD WHAT

UMA parades into the GENTLEMEN'S CLUB in direct contradiction of the fact that she is not a GENTLEMAN.

UMA THURMAN

I do rather hope there is tea

VALET

But we only have male tea

(head explodes)

She finds RALPH in the SAUNA reading his PAPER while STARK NAKED, since having MELTING NEWSPRINT wilt all over one's JUNK is such a bracing start to the day.

RALPH FIENNES

Would you like some tea

UMA THURMAN

Why yes I was just hoping there was tea

RALPH FIENNES

Let us go to where there is tea

They travel over to MINISTRY HQ together, and sure they could have just met THERE in the first place, but then RALPH wouldn't have got to wave his FLOPPY BRIT WANG all over the damn place.

INT. MINISTRY HQ

RALPH and UMA meet with the HEADS of the secret agency, JIM BROADBENT who is in a WHEELCHAIR and FIONA SHAW who is BLIND.

JIM BROADBENT

Who would like some tea

RALPH FIENNES

I should think we shall both have tea

FIONA SHAW

I cannot see my tea

LARGE COMPUTER SCREENS show that the country's WEATHER SHIELD is down! A VIDEO shows UMA going into the control centre and blowing it up, which is upsetting because in THIS universe the AVENGERS actually give a shit what's going on with their SHIELD.

JIM BROADBENT

This news threatens all our tea

UMA THURMAN

Perhaps we should sort this out over tea

RALPH FIENNES

This may require rather a lot of tea

UMA is made a FULL AGENT and sent on a mission with RALPH to find and capture UMA.

JIM BROADBENT

Also if you could pick up some tea

RALPH and UMA engage in some casual SWORDPLAY, allowing UMA to show off her SWORD GODDESS powers that match rather well with her NINE THOUSAND OTHER SECRET AGENT SKILLS that she conveniently has.

RALPH FIENNES

(fencing)

Before we set out we should have tea

UMA THURMAN

(doing jujitsu somersaults)

I was just thinking it was time for tea

They decide to investigate SEAN CONNERY because his character is called LORD DeWINTER and he has a HUGE MANSION and a GIGANTIC FUCKING PIPE ORGAN and a CREEPY PORTRAIT OF UMA and also the tell-tale clue that (aside from the useless old fucks back at the GENTLEMAN'S CLUB) there is LITERALLY NOBODY IN ALL OF ENGLAND who does not work for either SEAN or the MINISTRY.

EXT. DESERTED EMPTY COUNTRYSIDE

RALPH and UMA speed past DESOLATE TOWNS and ABANDONED FARMHOUSES left to crumble and rot by EVERYBODY WHO HAS FLED THE COUNTRY rather than risk being in this SHIT ASS MOVIE.

RALPH FIENNES

(driving)

Would you pass the tea

UMA THURMAN

It's so delightful we can drive and have tea

RALPH FIENNES

Everything is better with tea

Finally they ARRIVE and split up so RALPH can sneak around and UMA can be suspicious in plain sight.

INT. SEAN'S GREENHOUSE

UMA strolls around the greenhouse until SEAN introduces himself by sneaking up and LITERALLY GRABBING HER AROUND THE THROAT in a DEATH GRIP.

SEAN CONNERY

Would you like shome tea

UMA THURMAN

It would be most agreeable to have tea

SEAN continues to MANHANDLE UMA all over the greenhouse while generally being a lecherous CREEP.

SEAN CONNERY

I musht inshisht that you tashte my tea

UMA THURMAN

Why is there is whiskey in my tea

SEAN CONNERY

It ish the besht way to have tea

EXT. GROUNDS

Meanwhile RALPH finds a TELEPHONE BOOTH amongst the gardens and also some CRAAAAAZY ISOLATED WEATHER PATTERNS, WHAAAT?!? He gets buffeted by SNOW and RAIN and WIND!

RALPH FIENNES

This is not really my cup of tea

RALPH is approached by UMA wearing an EVIL OUTFIT, who SHOOTS HIM in his BULLETPROOF VEST! Luckily EVIL UMA has not learned about DOUBLE-TAP TO THE HEAD or DISPOSING OF BODIES or CHECKING FOR BLOOD or any of that shit.

RALPH FIENNES

(weakly)

This is a poor substitute for tea

(passes out)

INT. AN APARTMENT SWINGINGLY DECORATED IN TRUE 1960S STYLE, EXCEPT WAIT, IS THIS HAPPENING IN THE 1990S OR THE 1960S, I MEAN THEY HAVE 1990S COMPUTERS BUT LOTS OF 1960S CLOTHES, IT'S JUST CONFUSING

RALPH wakes up on the COUCH and finds that UMA has been waiting for him to wake up while pretending to play a player piano for some godforsaken reason.

UMA THURMAN

Please have some tea

RALPH FIENNES

I could really use some tea

UMA THURMAN

Then it is a good thing we have tea

INT. SEAN CONNERY'S SHECRET LAIR

SEAN CONNERY, now wearing a giant TEDDY BEAR SUIT, presides over his COUNCIL OF EVIL FURRIES or perhaps they are DIE-HARD GRATEFUL DEAD FANS.

SEAN CONFURRY

I trusht you are all thirshty for tea

BLUE FURRY

Some of us have had enough tea

YELLOW FURRY

I too have had my fill of tea

SEAN MURDERS them and leaves the bodies LYING AROUND since the corpse disposal crew only comes round on FRIDAYS. Meanwhile, RALPH and UMA have arrived at the STOREFRONT part of SEAN'S EVIL WEATHER TECH ORGANIZATION.

RALPH FIENNES

Pardon me do you only sell weather or do you have tea

SALESWOMAN

(swooning)

I would sell you all the tea

We learn that the EVIL WEATHER COMPANY literally sells WEATHER created with ANTIMATTER, which would probably work if the meteorological conditions you wanted were THE EARTH BEING FUCKING OBLITERATED. Anyway RALPH and UMA sneak off and find the UNGRATEFUL DEAD FURRIES.

RALPH FIENNES

It seems they'll be late for tea

UMA THURMAN

They won't be having any tea

They explore further, finding more FURRIES doing DELICATE ENGINEERING EXPERIMENTS dressed in their oversized FURRY OUTFITS with BIG FURRY HANDS and how the fuck does anything get done here. They SPLIT UP again and RALPH confronts a gang of THUGS led by EDDIE IZZARD, who has cleverly decided FUCK THIS DIALOGUE SHIT and remains SILENT.

RALPH FIENNES

(beating up goons)

Would anyone like some milk in their tea

Meanwhile UMA fights another FURRY who turns out to be EVIL UMA! RALPH arrives just in time to STAND AROUND and LET EVIL UMA ESCAPE by leisurely JOGGING PAST HIM.

RALPH FIENNES

She didn't stay for tea

UMA THURMAN

Therefore we shall have extra tea

RALPH FIENNES

Can there ever be too much tea

INT. SOME FUCKING BULLSHIT ROOM SOMEWHERE

RALPH and UMA play some CHESS and OH YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING, YUP, RALPH PUTS UMA IN CHECK SO GUESS WHAT HAPPENS THE FUCK NEXT, OH YEAH THE VERY NEXT MOVE UMA PUTS RALPH IN CHECKMATE BECAUSE THAT IS HOW EVERY LAST FUCKING CHESS GAME IN MOVIES ENDS, LIKE, IT IS ALMOST FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO CREATE THAT SITUATION IN ACTUAL CHESS FOR FUCK'S SAKE

RALPH FIENNES

Chess is not really my cup of tea

UMA THURMAN

Perhaps we should find you some other tea

RALPH FIENNES

I always enjoy a new variety of tea

They decide to drive back to SEAN'S MANSION since, this can't really be stressed enough, there are ZERO OTHER PEOPLE ALIVE IN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY to investigate.

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD

RALPH and UMA are ATTACKED by ROBO-BEES!! But the CGI is so sloppily non-integrated that it's impossible to be sure HOW LARGE the ROBO-BEES are or how CLOSE they are to our heroes!

RALPH FIENNES

(swerving)

Well this is a fine kettle of tea

UMA THURMAN

They are very rude not to serve tea

There's EXPLOSIONS and shit and a ROBO-BEE crashes into them! RALPH takes its GUN which of course has a TRIGGER on it since it is part of a DRONE.

RALPH FIENNES

(shooting)

Turnabout is fair tea

UMA THURMAN

I rather think it is the sweetest tea

Finally they DEFEAT the ROBO-BEES and find EILEEN ATKINS who has a LARGE GUN even though she is OLDER and also a WOMAN. Since this is not HOT FUZZ this is treated as a PUNCHLINE instead of a PREMISE.

EILEEN ATKINS

Would you care for some tea

RALPH and UMA go get lost in a HEDGE MAZE where UMA falls into a HOLE.

UMA THURMAN

(falling)

Teeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Meanwhile SEAN teleports next to RALPH so they can swordfight a bit.

SEAN CONNERY

It ish time to sherve the tea

RALPH FIENNES

I prefer a lump of sugar in my tea

They FIGHT until SEAN VANISHES, having achieved FUCK ALL except for meeting RALPH exactly ONE TIME before the final showdown. RALPH then gets KNOCKED OUT by EVIL UMA and is, yet again, just left lying around so he can eventually wake up and resume where he left off.

INT. INSHIDE SEAN'S MANSHION

SEAN straps UMA into a WEIRD BONDAGE RIG and DRUGS her and makes her DANCE and is about to flat-out RAPE her when the DOORBELL rings, interrupting the zany blockbuster antics.

SEAN CONNERY

Perhapsh that ish the new tea

(leaves)

UMA THURMAN

(recovering)

My goodness where is the tea

UMA tries to escape, but finds herself trapped in a literal M.C. ESCHER ROOM that folds space in upon itself, and if SEAN has this kind of technology why is he fucking around with WEATHER.

RALPH FIENNES

(outside)

Has anyone seen my tea

UMA THURMAN

This is some weak tea

UMA leaps out a WINDOW and finds RALPH, and since SEAN is now explicitly pure evil with nefarious plans for the world they fuck off back to RALPH'S place to try on some new BOOTS.

INT. RALPH'S PLACE

RALPH puts the NEW BOOTS on UMA in the MOST PERVY WAY POSSIBLE since creeping on UMA is apparently all that's left of the PLOT.

RALPH FIENNES

Why don't I make some fresh tea

UMA THURMAN

One never grows weary of tea

However FIONA SHAW bursts in with MINISTRY AGENTS to arrest UMA!

FIONA SHAW

I hope you made enough tea

RALPH FIENNES

I just put on the tea

UMA THURMAN

Could you not have waited till after tea

UMA gets carted off and RALPH goes to reedeem a PLOT COUPON he found earlier.

INT. THE MINISTRY

RALPH uses the PLOT COUPON to access the ARCHIVES where he meets INVISIBLE PATRICK MACNEE!

INVISIBLE PATRICK MACNEE

Perhaps I could interest you in some tea

RALPH FIENNES

I would happily accept some tea

A SLIDESHOW of historical documents reveals that EVIL UMA is the result of an old CLONING PROGRAM WHAAAT that made exclusively clones that are pure evil and never say anything. During all this INVISIBLE DIANA RIGG decides to keep perfectly quiet and hope nobody ever associates her with this pile of dogshit.

INT. WORLD COUNCIL ROOM

Various WORLD LEADERS have gathered to discuss the rise in horrible WEATHER and also try to figure out where ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE IN BRITAIN WENT. SEAN storms in (HAR HAR) wearing his KILT.

SEAN CONNERY

YOU MUSHT SHEND ME YOUR TEA

WORLD LEADERS

(concerned)

But then we won't have any tea

SEAN and his handful of GOONS just sort of LEAVE while the combined security forces of all the world's leaders calmly step aside and FUCK THEMSELVES.

SEAN CONNERY

Shoon I shall have all the tea

INT. THE MINISTRY

GOOD UMA has been thrown into a SUPER FAKE PADDED CELL and despite being framed, decides to go MAD anyway and begins RANTING and RAVING like an INSANE PERSON.

UMA THURMAN

I don't even like tea

FIONA SHAW

Why would you say such things about tea

Oh also FIONA SHAW is actually EVIL, so she and EVIL UMA kidnap her! JIM BROADBENT tries to intervene but is thrown from his wheelchair and dumped into a SNOWBANK!!

JIM BROADBENT

I have spilled my tea

FIONA and EVIL UMA stuff GOOD UMA into a HOT AIR BALLOON and try to make their getaway with all the stealth and speed of a HOT AIR BALLOON. But GOOD UMA gets free and begins sabotaging shit!

UMA THURMAN

Let's see how you like this blend of tea

GOOD UMA leaps clear just as the BALLOON bumps into a SIGN which makes it EXPLOOOOODE, incinerating FIONA and EVIL UMA so guess that's the last time we see a red-haired Avenger wearing a skin-tight black bodysuit. RALPH finds UMA and they clumsily press mouths together.

RALPH FIENNES

You taste like tea

UMA THURMAN

One likes a drop of honey in her tea

RALPH FIENNES

That is a fine way to have tea

They suddenly realize that the aforementioned black fetish suit which was promised in ALL THE POSTERS has been on a VILLAIN this whole time, so they dig EVIL UMA out of the FLAMING WRECKAGE, peel the suit off her CHARRED CORPSE, and GOOD UMA puts it on.

EXT. BACK AT SEAN'S MANSHION

RALPH and UMA use STUPID RIDICULOUS PLASTIC SPHERE THINGS to walk across a POND even though the mansion has a DRIVEWAY.

UMA THURMAN

This would be a marvellous spot for tea

RALPH FIENNES

If only we had some tea

They walk over to the PHONE BOOTH in the FIELD and find the TV SERIES'S CATCHPHRASE lying around in the dirt. Meanwhile SEAN sees them on his monitor and allows them to ENTER his secret base, because who needs a spy movie with stupid bullshit like SNEAKING IN and GUARDS and SECURITY MEASURES and LOCKS and OBSTACLES.

SEAN CONNERY

I shupposhe I should put on the tea

SEAN activates his ULTIMATE EVIL WEATHER MACHINE that causes STORMS and LIGHTNING and LOTS OF RAIN and FLASHY FLASHY LIGHTS! RALPH emerges on a CATWALK, draws his UMBRELLA SWORD, and prepares to face off against SEAN for the FATE OF, um... THE WORLD I GUESS?

RALPH FIENNES

I say would anyone like some tea

SEAN CONNERY

I believe my tea is shtronger than your tea

RALPH FIENNES

You have not sampled my tea

SEAN CONNERY

I dishmissh your shubshtandard tea

SEAN kicks RALPH'S ASS ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE! But RALPH moves the fight to a DIFFERENT CATWALK which allows him to KICK SEAN'S ASS ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE! And for a finishing move he STABS SEAN with his OWN SWORD, allowing SEAN to be STRUCK BY LIGHTNING!

SEAN CONNERY

(skeleton becomes disco ball)

Thish ish horrible tea

LIGHTNING BOLT

Why don't you pop round for some tea

The LIGHTNING BOLT literally PICKS SEAN THE FUCK UP and DRAGS HIM UP INTO THE STORM which COLLAPSES it because WHY THE EVER-LOVING FUCK NOT. Meanwhile UMA confronts EDDIE over by the MACHINE.

UMA THURMAN

(doing high-wire acrobatics)

All this rain is diluting my tea

EDDIE IZZARD

(refuses to speak)

UMA THURMAN

(kicking Eddie's ass)

Do you have any freshly brewed tea

EDDIE IZZARD

(plummets to death)

.......fuck tea

UMA destroys the MACHINE, fixing all bad weather everywhere instantly! RALPH and UMA escape in a POD as the base AUTO-DESTRUCTS.

RALPH FIENNES

I believe this calls for some tea

UMA THURMAN

Yes it would be quite smashing to have some tea

JIM BROADBENT

Then we shall all have tea

TEA

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