One bracelet to rule them all--OH FUCK OFF.


One bracelet to rule them all--OH FUCK OFF.

THE MUMMY RETURNS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. LONDON - 1933

While on a dig, BRENDAN FRASER and RACHEL WEISZ disturb a chest of yet another mythical, apocalypse-bringing creature, this time played by DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON. But then they decide to just go home.

BRENDAN FRASER

You know, you'd think we'd have learned from our mistakes from the last movie, but nooooooooo. Five minutes in and we're doing the same stupid shit.

RACHEL WEISZ

Yes, well, a part of that is because the writers have decided to abandon decent storytelling in favor of action sequences. And for some reason, they also love making you and I look like a couple of incompetent morons.

BRENDAN FRASER

Speaking of moronic things, how are those flashbacks you've been having?

RACHEL WEISZ

Oh, they're great! They're what helped us find that chest of the Scorpion King! They also helped us find the key to open that chest RIGHT THE FUCK NEXT TO IT.

BRENDAN FRASER

Seriously, do we hate the Ancient Egyptians or something?

Their 8 year old son, FREDDIE BOATH, stumbles upon the chest.

FREDDIE BOATH

Because of my combination of my mother's love for Egypt and my fathers sense of moving the plot along, I'm going to open this chest and-

(gasps)

Look at that! It's an ancient, golden, WWF Championship Belt!

JOHN HANNAH

WWF? Bloody hell, that thing really is an ancient artifact.

FREDDIE puts it on, but then, they're all attacked by ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE and his men! Also, ODED FEHR appears!

RACHEL WEISZ

Okay, what the fuck's going on?

ODED FEHR

Perhaps explanations are best kept for later. Mostly because we're too lazy to come up with any.

RACHEL WEISZ

Oh, you mean like why I would keep a rack of old swords in the living room of my house with my 8 year old son?

ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE

Or like how Brendan and Rachel's incompetency allowed them to almost die in the first scene but were saved only because of their son's clumsiness?

ODED FEHR

Exactly.

A SWORD FIGHT ensues. ADEWALE'S army distracts RACHEL'S STUNT DOUBLE long enough so that they can kidnap RACHEL!

ODED FEHR

And that's not all. Freddie only has seven days to get the gold Macguffin off but only if it's inside an ancient pyramid in a secret oasis and whoever stabs the Scorpion King will gain control of his army of dogs-

(four hours later)

And they will become ruler of the universe and--

JOHN HANNAH

ALRIGHT already! We have to kill the Scorpion King, we get it! Now how are we going to do that?

BRENDAN FRASER

Why don't we just do what we've been doing to the audience so far? Bludgeon him to death with exposition!

INT. BRITISH MUSEUM

ALUN ARMSTRONG and PATRICIA VELASQUEZ prepare RACHEL for sacrifice. Then they read from the BOOK OF THE DEAD to resurrect ARNOLD VOSLOO.

ALUN ARMSTRONG

Wait a minute, I thought Hamunaptra collapsed and swallowed everything within it. And earlier, Oded said that you know things that no living person could possibly know, hinting that you have magical powers or something. So how did you know where both Arnold's body and the Book of the Dead were buried?

PATRICIA VELASQUEZ

Because I'm Anck Su Namun reincarnated! You know, Arnold's old girlfriend for which the previous movie was based on!

ALUN ARMSTRONG

That answers literally nothing!

ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE

As long as we're making up shit, can you at least find that gigantic gold hoard that was swallowed up too? Because that would be beneficial to us all.

They resurrect ARNOLD and he instantly regains bodily organs and tissues, despite that being his biggest challenge the last time.

RACHEL WEISZ

Huh. And you know, I distinctly remember us killing you after we made you mortal in the last movie. How have you gone back to be an immortal God-like being again?

ARNOLD VOSLOO

(sighs)

Look, I don't fucking know, okay? Now shut up and be distracted by a super cool gun fight while I stand here and do literally nothing!

A GUN FIGHT breaks out. BRENDAN jumps in and saves RACHEL, and ARNOLD decides to produce those MUMMY GUARD guys from OUT OF HIS ASS.

BRENDAN FRASER

SERIOUSLY! What's the point of calling this a sequel if we're just going to contradict everything we did in the first one!?

ARNOLD VOSLOO

THIS WHOLE MOVIE IS A RE-HASH NOT A SEQUEL GET USED TO IT.

The mummies join our heroes in a CHASE SCENE on a double-decker bus, which JOHN HANNAH could have probably ended if he had just STOPPED DRIVING IT. Afterwards, BRENDAN and RACHEL embrace each other, but then FREDDIE gets kidnapped by ARNOLD'S men!

BRENDAN FRASER

Have you noticed that every time the two of us make out, our son gets into trouble?

EXT. EGYPT

They all meet SHAUN PARKES.

SHAUN PARKES

Nooooope, nope nope nope. I will not get involved in one of your bullshit movies, Brendan. Audiences have suffered enough!

BRENDAN FRASER

What if I held out this gold stick, illustrating the fact that your character will literally do anything for gold? Despite that being the exact same motivation as John Hannah's character!

SHAUN PARKES

Alright fine, I'll take you. You can ride in my Dirigible.

BRENDAN FRASER

Your... your fucking what?

SHAUN PARKES

A dirigible! It's like a Zeppelin only more idiotic! You've never heard of it?

BRENDAN FRASER

Oh yeah, sure. In fact, maybe we should all start a band and call it Led Dirigible!

SHAUN PARKES

You laugh now, but if we just so happen to be chased by a 200 foot wall of water with some guy's face in it, this thing will manage to keep us inexplicably unharmed!

JOHN HANNAH

I say, old chaps, is it possible to give yourself a concussion from face-palming too hard?

EXT. THE DIRIGIBLE - NIGHT

While aboard the FLYING ABSURDITY, RACHEL flashes back to when she was ANCIENT RACHEL, where she engages in a battle with ANCIENT PATRICIA VELASQUEZ!

RACHEL WEISZ

Holy shit! It turns out that these flashbacks are memories of my past life! I was assigned to protect the gold McGuffin of the Scorpion King, despite having lost said battle with Ancient Patricia in the first place!

ODED FEHR

That's right, you two were destined to find the oasis. Rachel was the daughter of the Ancient Pharaoh, and I can tell Brendan is a Medjai because of his tattoo! You know, the tattoo that everyone totally believes existed on his arm this whole time!

BRENDAN FRASER

So let me get this straight. You're saying she's a reincarnated princess and I'm a warrior of God?

ODED FEHR

Well Jeez, Brendan, if you jump to conclusions like that, you'll just make this story line sound stupid.

EXT. OASIS - BECAUSE MAYBE?

Some more mindless action ensues but they find the OASIS and get FREDDIE back!

FREDDIE BOATH

Dad, if I don't get into the Scorpion Pyramid by sunrise, this gold thing I'm wearing will kill me! I'm not sure how my death benefits the Scorpion King in any way, but whatever!

BRENDAN FRASER

Not to worry, son. I'll just get you to the pyramid by running faster than the sunrise!

FREDDIE BOATH

Haha... wait, what?

BRENDAN runs FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT... or maybe it's FASTER THAN THE ROTATION OF THE EARTH... which is still ludicrous but differently so! Either way, he saves FREDDIE.

Then, ARNOLD and PATRICIA show up and stab RACHEL!

RACHEL WEISZ

But why? You won our fight in the flashbacks, and your soul got reincarnated despite not having my body sacrificed!

PATRICIA VELASQUEZ

Umm, because I'm a fucking bitch that's why! Haha! No, but seriously, in your flashbacks you'll recall that you were the one who sent the guards after your pharaoh father, resulting in the death of Arnold and myself, and ultimately starting this whole franchise!

RACHEL WEISZ

My God, what could I have possibly done to the writers to make them hate me so much?

(dies an excruciatingly painful yet surprisingly bloodless death)

BRENDAN FRASER

NO! Oh my God! I can't believe Rachel's gone!

FREDDIE BOATH

Why? Because she's the second top billed actor on the call sheet and there's no way she would die such a meaningless death? Especially one as quick and unceremonious as this?

BRENDAN FRASER

Uhhhhh... I was just going to go with, my wife is dead and now I'm all sad and stuff... but sure that works.

INT. THE SCORPION KING'S PYRAMID

ARNOLD reaches the Scorpion King's FIERY, BRICK OVEN-LIKE lair.

ARNOLD VOSLOO

Does anyone smell what someone's cook--NOPE, nope, I'm not fucking saying it.

FREDDIE BOATH

And hey! I just remembered that we can resurrect my mom with the Book of the Dead! And wouldn't you know it, Patricia just put it down and walked away from it!

(resurrects his mother)

RACHEL WEISZ

Thanks for resurrecting me, sweetie. Okay, so mommy's going to fight the colossal bitch now. Can you be a good boy and stay inside this unholy death trap of a pyramid where you might die at any second? Okay great!

RACHEL and PATRICIA kick each other's asses while BRENDAN and ARNOLD kick each other's asses.

And then, they're all greeted by the most fearsome, most ferocious, and most dangerous, immortal warrior the world has ever seen:

THE SCORPION KING!

DWAYNE "THE UNBELIEVABLY AWFUL CARTOON" JOHNSON

FEAR ME!

BRENDAN FRASER

(pause)

BAHHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

RACHEL WEISZ

(choking on laughter)

FREDDIE BOATH

(pissing his pants laughing)

BRENDAN FRASER

(puking from laughing so hard)

ARNOLD VOSLOO

(wiping tears from his eyes)

Okay, we're kidding with this, right? This is a joke?

RACHEL WEISZ

I don't know. But can you believe I go on to win an Oscar after this?

BRENDAN FRASER

Can you believe that I can pretty much mark the end of my acting career with this?

DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON

Can you believe I STARTED my acting career with this?

Then, BRENDAN reads the instructions on how to kill the bad guy WRITTEN ON THE WALL OF THE BAD GUY'S LAIR, then finds out that JOHN was holding the weapon SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED to kill said bad guy THIS ENTIRE TIME.

JOHN HANNAH

Don't worry, I'm exceptionally good at javelin throwing for some reason!

(throws spear)

ARNOLD VOSLOO

Yoink! And I am exceptionally good at plucking fast, pointy things out of the air!

(throws spear)

BRENDAN FRASER

Yoink again! For you see, I too am good at fast things air plucking!

BRENDAN stabs DWAYNE and finishes him off with THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW. He then tells DWAYNE'S army of DOGS to go to hell, all of which results in the pyramid IMPLODING.

BRENDAN FRASER

Dammit! Are these things always equipped with a self destruct button or something?

EXT. TOP OF PYRAMID

The pyramid SUCKS THE OASIS into itself, while our heroes are trapped at the top.

RACHEL WEISZ

Oh no! We did everything the ancient prophecy wanted us to do, but we're still going to be killed anyway!

BRENDAN FRASER

You know, for having magical, god-like powers, the Ancient Egyptians used them for some pretty dick-ish things.

Then, SHAUN swoops in with his flying absurdity and saves them!

JOHN HANNAH

Thank God we're saved! But wait, what ever happened to Arnold and Patricia?

SHAUN PARKES

Well, it turns out that their whole "eternal love" story that this movie has been pushing was complete bullshit, so Arnold turned himself a cartoon and Patricia got eaten by those scarab things that can somehow live for 3,000 years. You know, typical break-up stuff.

RACHEL WEISZ

Right. So are we even going to talk about that horribly rendered, evil soul pit thingy that Arnold fell into?

BRENDAN FRASER

No. In fact, lets never speak of that scene again.

DIRECTOR STEPHEN SOMMERS

Okay, I know you're all mad at me for wasting the budget on pygmy mummies and sand-jackal armies, but what was I supposed to do? Reserve CGI for scenes deemed essential to a smooth and flowing plot and then focus on creating a dignified main villain?

JOHN HANNAH

Damn, old boy, are you trying to give everyone face-palm concussions?

RACHEL WEISZ

Well, I think it's time for our obligatory end of movie make out session now.

FREDDIE BOATH

NO! For the love of Osiris, please don't. At the rate we're going, the next time you make out, it could result in some Anubis-awful catastrophe!

BRENDAN FRASER

Oh come on, like what? Seriously, what could possibly happen after this?

TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR HAPPENS. THAT'S WHAT.

END.

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