Sadly, the Olympics are yet to recognize climb-fencing.


Sadly, the Olympics are yet to recognize climb-fencing.

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. NORTH KOREA

THE JOES are pulling off some kind of MISSION which has FUCK-ALL to do with ANYTHING ELSE IN THE MOVIE so WHO CARES.

CHANNING TATUM

All right, time to show off our gadgetry and training by punching two guards, grabbing some guy and running away! Ripcord, you go and - heyyy, you're not Ripcord!

DWAYNE JOHNSON

He's not here. Neither's Breaker. Or Heavy Duty. Or Scarlett, General Hawk or absolutely any good guy from the first movie except you and the guy with no face and no lines.

CHANNING TATUM

But - Ripcord's my best friend-

DWAYNE JOHNSON

I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND NOW. FORGET ABOUT THE ONE YOU CALL RIPCORD.

CHANNING TATUM

Ah, fuck it, that movie was ass anyway. And this time we've got The Rock! And who else?

D.J. COTRONA

There's me, Generico McBlandyface!

ADRIANNE PALICKI

Also me, Boredom Jackson, world-famous cardboard impersonator!

CHANNING TATUM

Ugh, kill me now.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

No, not yet.

CHANNING TATUM

What?

INT. SITUATION ROOM

EVIL FAKE PRESIDENT JONATHAN PRYCE is meeting with his CABINET.

FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE

The president of Pakistan has been assassinated! I'm worried about a nuclear nation being in a state of political upheaval like this.

JOE CHREST

Well, that's reasonable-

FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE

So we should totally send in one of our most high-profile military units to swipe all of their nuclear warheads!

JOE CHREST

What?! No, that, that's got to be one of the most insane military actions ever proposed, there's no way congress would go along with that.

FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE

No problem! In THIS America, being president gives me the authority to do whatever the hell I want, no questions asked! I already replaced the secret service with my own evil guys.

JOE CHREST

What? But surely their background checks-

FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE

Background shmackground, I'm omnipotent! BOOM, I just legalized arson. What are you going to do about it? I'M THE FUCKING PRESIDENT.

FAKE JONATHAN heads out to some kind of WHITE HOUSE CELLAR which exists, where he's keeping REAL JONATHAN.

FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE

(actual line)

I've brought you some news: the GI Joes are about to be out of the picture. And by "out of the picture", I mean "alive on Earth"!

JONATHAN PRYCE

So... the Joes are about to be alive on Earth?

FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE

...Oh wow. WOW. Usually when a movie is badly written, it doesn't go right down to basic sentence construction, but there you go.

INT. PAKISTANI MISSILE SILO

The JOES go on their mission to liberate the warheads.

CHANNING TATUM

Now remember the plan: shoot everything. Just go in there and shoot until all the people are dead. Don't worry about the fact that it's a silo containing rockets and warheads. Just SHOOT. EVERYTHING.

ADRIANNE PALICKI

Here's a quick thought: these warheads haven't actually been stolen by insurgents or anything yet, right? So are we just killing a bunch of innocent military personnel doing their jobs?

CHANNING TATUM

It's okay, when we get inside it turns out that a bunch of faceless terrorist goons are coincidentally stealing the nukes right now, so we don't have to consider our role as blunt tools of the military-industrial complex after all!

They CHARGE IN and start RUNNING AROUND CRAZILY SHOOTING THE EVER-LOVING FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING.

JOSEPH MAZELLO

Lookit, I've got remote-controlled bullets you're supposed to steer with precision while they whiz through the air at twice the speed of sound!

(shoots one, ever)

There, that was worth breaking the audience's suspension of disbelief even more than the rest of this idiotic movie!

Eventually they run out of things to shoot, and hightail it with the WARHEADS. But then a bunch of US MILITARY show up and start KILLING THEM ALL!

CHANNING TATUM

Oh no, they're going to kill D.J.! For once I'm not the blandest guy in a movie, you can NOT take that away from me!

He goes and saves D.J., but then is completely engulfed in a HUGE EXPLOSION which somehow leaves a PRISTINE CORPSE. EVERYONE GETS KILLED, except for DWAYNE, D.J. and ADRIANNE, who survive through their badass skills in RUNNING AWAY AND HIDING.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Holy shit guys, an attack of that scale could only mean a direct order from the President of the United States!

D.J. COTRONA

Dude, it was like, three helicopters. Chill.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Nope, we're definitely burned. We've got to go completely off the map, cut ties with everyone and everything until this blows over. Now let's go set up operations in the neighbourhood where I grew up.

ADRIANNE PALICKI

Then I'll send a message on the official Joes broadcast frequency saying where we are and what we're up to.

D.J. COTRONA

We're so good at this!

INT. UNDERGROUND PRISON

WALTON GOGGINS is taking RAY PARK into a TOP-SECRET PRISON on charges of ASSASSINATING THE PRESIDENT OF PAKISTAN.

WALTON GOGGINS

Here at ultra-secret torture prison, we keep the inmates paralyzed in tubes, because they're so dangerous. Like you, a living weapon, or this guy, a middle-aged businessman but his face is all metal, or this third guy, who's like an asthmatic or something.

BYUNG-HUN LEE

I like how the place is set up for exactly three prisoners. What happens if you catch somebody else, do you just stuff him in the closet?

WALTON GOGGINS

Words?! You're not Ray Park, you're his nemesis!

BYUNG-HUN LEE

Yeah, I gotta admit, I was surprised when at no point of the arrest or transportation process did anybody bother to take off my mask.

They put LEE in a TUBE, but he ESCAPES by DECIDING NOT TO BE PARALYZED ANYMORE. He then breaks out COBRA COMMANDER but not DESTRO.

NOT JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Sorry to throw all your fore-shadowing from the first movie into the bin, Destro, but this movie already has way too many characters. We haven't even mentioned Ray Stevenson yet.

Oh, right. Up on the surface, RAY STEVENSON arrives on a motorcycle, which breaks into pieces and the pieces turn into rockets and the rockets blow the entrance open!

RAY STEVENSON

This is way better than just using a rocket launcher! This way you have to jump off of a speeding motorcycle to fire, and then you have no motorcycle.

INT. DOJO

RZA is talking to RAY PARK and ELODIE YUNG, yes that's THREE more characters, this is getting ridiculous.

RAY PARK

...

RZA

Ray, you need to go capture Lee. You must bring him in alive, even though you hate him and wish to avenge your mentor, who Lee killed.

RAY PARK

...

RZA

Take Elodie with you. Yes, I know you don't trust her. Just deal with it.

ELODIE YUNG

You know, there are a lot of ways to handle a mute, masked character. Stating his own motivations directly to his face is not the best one.

RAY and ELODIE go and kidnap LEE from a MYSTICAL CLIFFSIDE HOSPITAL. As they leave, they are chased by NINJA GUARDS!

NINJA GUARD #1

Ninja tradition is all well and good, but I can't help but notice how quickly we would win if we could just shoot these guys with guns.

NINJA GUARD #2

But we do have SWORDS, and they're dangling over a lethal fall by ROPES, so...

NINJA GUARD #1

You're right! WIRE-FU SWORDFIGHT TIME!

NINJA GUARD #2

Oh! I was actually going to suggest "cut the ropes with the swords and they die", but your idea is WAY cooler.

NINJAS have a SWORDFIGHT while ROPE-SWINGING on a CLIFF, using up the movie's entire supply of awesome in three minutes. RAY and ELODIE win and take LEE back to the DOJO.

RZA

So, Lee, what's Cobra Commander planning? Do you deny that you murdered your uncle/master when you were a kid? And do you know if this is an interrogation or a trial, I've confused myself.

BYUNG-HUN LEE

I did NOT kill that guy! It's always pissed me off how you could believe it was me, just because I had a motive and he was killed with my sword and I was seen running from the scene and then I spent the next couple of decades as a ruthless international terrorist.

RZA

So you were framed? And then you had to go work for Arnold Vosloo? Did you ever think that maybe he framed you so he could get a superninja?

BYUNG-HUN LEE

...Aw, man. I can't believe I didn't figure out in twenty years what you put together in six seconds.

INT. MAKESHIFT JOE HEADQUARTERS

ADRIANNE PALICKI

Guys, I think the president has been replaced with an impostor. I'm basing this on things like word choices and how he clasps his hands, rather than things like his sudden massive personality change.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

We need proof of this. Let's go to a high-profile event and have one of us physically harvest DNA off of the US president, which is about as far away from "laying low" as humanly possible.

They DO THIS, and discover FAKE JONATHAN is a disguised ARNOLD VOSLOO.

ADRIANNE PALICKI

Okay, and we have also deduced that the upcoming nuclear disarmament summit is probably at the heart of his plans. Neat, we're doing a pretty good job of investigating-

BYUNG-HUN LEE

Hi guys, I'm working with you now and I can tell you every single detail of the evil plan since I was in on it.

ADRIANNE PALICKI

...Ah. So, the three of us could have spent the entire last hour of the movie playing Wii Tennis and it wouldn't have made a lick of difference. Great.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

To win this thing, we're gonna need some help. I know a guy. He's a legendary old-school badass, a little tired of it all now but he still always comes through in a pinch-

D.J. COTRONA

It's Bruce Willis, right? You just described every Bruce Willis role from the last ten years. Is it Bruce Willis?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Of course it's Bruce Willis. Let's go.

They go to BRUCE WILLIS'S HOUSE, because what this movie really needs is ANOTHER GODDAMN CHARACTER.

BRUCE WILLIS

You guys need weapons. Here are the many guns I have in tricky concealed compartments of my drawers and cupboards.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Clever!

BRUCE WILLIS

And here are the many guns I have in regular cupboards, not concealed in any way.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

That's... less clever.

BRUCE WILLIS

And here's the tank sitting in my garage. So that every time I open my garage, my neighbors can see my big old tank.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

...Huh.

INT. NUCLEAR DISARMAMENT SUMMIT

FAKE JONATHAN is sitting down with the made-up leaders of FRANCE and RUSSIA and NORTH KOREA and whatnot.

FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE

Hey guys, you know those nuclear launch briefcases us world leaders have that let us unilaterally perform a nuclear strike whenever the fancy takes us?

FRANCE

Sure, we all carry them with us wherever we go just in case we feel like spontaneously blowing up the world.

FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE

Well, surprise!

FAKE JONATHAN launches all of America's NUKES!

FRANCE

WHAT THE HELL?! All right, in that case I launch all MY nukes!

(launches nukes)

INDIA

Wait, you mean just the ones targeting America, right? Oh fuck, you don't! WHY IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU NUKING THE REST OF US?! Fine then, I'm nuking YOU, and I'm nuking AMERICA, and also EVERYONE ELSE because FUCK IT!

(launches nukes)

NORTH KOREA

There are so many nukes in the air now that the only effect I can have by also launching is to earn a share of the ignonimity, but I'm doing it anyway!

(launches nukes)

EVERY LEADER launches ALL THEIR NUKES.

FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE

Ha ha, psych!

FAKE JONATHAN aborts all of America's NUKES!

FRANCE

Uh, I was kidding too!

(aborts nukes)

EVERY LEADER aborts ALL THEIR NUKES.

FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE

All right, now that all the nukes in the world have been destroyed and the halfway interesting part of our evil scheme is done away with, we can get on with the incredibly cliche part.

COBRA COMMANDER comes in with RAY STEVENSON, and an undercover LEE and ELODIE, and a bunch of MOOKS.

FRANCE

Um, aren't international summits usually protected by the largest security force possible? Even if you tricked the world into thinking Cobra were a proper military outfit, how does that translate into an army of ninja assassins being allowed into this room?

NOT JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Silence! Gentlemen, I'm holding the world to ransom. Deadly satellites, destroy your cities, blah blah, you know the drill. Oh, and today's sacrificial city will be...

(pulls name out of hat)

London!

He uses ANOTHER BRIEFCASE to make a SATELLITE blow up LONDON.

NOT JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

That'll automatically happen to all your cities unless you swear allegiance to me, at which point I will press the satellite-destroying button!

INDIA

Wait. It doesn't just stop the cities blowing up, it destroys the superweapons? So... if we just say, like, "all hail Cobra", you'll completely remove yourself as a threat and we can have you arrested?

NOT JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

I haven't exactly ironed out the details, I admit. Anyway-

BYUNG-HUN LEE

AHA, now that the world destruction has been triggered and London has been wiped off the map is the PERFECT time to act!

LEE and ELODIE attack! RAY grabs the briefcase and he and COBRA COMMANDER and FAKE JONATHAN all run away in different directions! LEE chases down FAKE JONATHAN.

FAKE JONATHAN PRYCE

So, the big showdown: vengeance-crazed superninja versus pretend politician!

(pause)

Okay, I got nothing.

LEE STABS HIM, which causes his nanomachine mask to MELT for no apparent reason.

EXT. BEACH

DWAYNE chases the henchman with the superweapon-controlling briefcase, so basically, the climax of GET SMART happens in REVERSE. He gets the BRIEFCASE, pushes the BIG RED BUTTON and SAVES THE WORLD.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Phew, good thing Cobra Commander didn't put any security on that thing, like a palmprint analyzer or a punchcode or something. Or, you know, a lock.

BYUNG-HUN LEE

So, since my revenge plot wound up dovetailing so nicely with your saving-the-world scheme, I guess I get a pass on the whole "assassinating the president of Pakistan and nearly causing the apocalypse" thing, right?

RAY PARK

...

BYUNG-HUN LEE

I'm going to take that as a yes!

(leaves)

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Well guys, Cobra Commander got away. But everything else has been nicely resolved.

ADRIANNE PALICKI

Except we destroyed all evidence that there was ever an impostor president, so all the other countries are going to think the real Jonathan Pryce teamed up with terrorists to blow up their cities and take over the world.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

...Eh, screw it, let the characters of the next movie deal with that.

END.


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