BATTLEFIELD EARTH: A SAGA OF THE YEAR 3000
The Abridged Script
BARRY PEPPER and various DIRTY HUMANS sit around a fire, being dirty and primitive. The camera man falls asleep and the picture is tilted. This continues throughout the movie.
I am dirty and primitive, but I am also very smart. I'm going to venture into the putt-putt course outside!
WISE OLD MAN
No! Don't! You'll be killed! The gods would be displeased!
Ha! I don't believe in your foolish, fear-based religion which is clearly representing Christianity, Judaism, and Islam! Besides, Scientology is much more logical and sensical!
I will be waiting here for you to come back. If you don't return, I shall track you down. Naked.
Ooh baby, can I pick the lice out of your hair?
And if it all goes well, I'll take a stab at your crabs too.
Whaddaya say, baby?
I'm getting so horny! Ack! My sweat and vaginal secretions are mixing with my many layers of dirt and creating some kind of paste! Aiee!
Mmmm, baby. Well, I'm off to find food and putters.
EXT. PUTT PUTT COURSE
BARRY is frightened by a WINDMILL.
Yikes! A windmill!
Give me all your money! You have ventured into dangerous land and now you will suffer.
Perhaps we can work together to find some rats and bugs.
INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE
They are chowing down on some DIRT. Suddenly, a PSYCHOLOGIST shows up!
Ha ha! I will use my psychobabble and reverse psychology on you! As well as my green gun which is so powerful that it creates a beam of light created by a crayon on the actual frame of the movie!
BARRY and the two people run away.
It is useless to run! You're only in denial about your own inadequacies! *ZAP*
A human is hit and is scribbled over with GREEN CRAYON.
Come back! You have deep emotional issues with your lack of a father! You must accept yourself before you can accept others! *ZAP* *KRAKOOM*
Eventually he captures the humans and takes them back to the PSYCHOLOGIST CONVENTION.
INT. PSYCHOLOGIST CONVENTION
Ah, splendid. Man-animals to torture and enslave.
I am here to watch how you perform on the job, head-of-security John Travolta.
Well watch as I take out this puny man- animal.
JOHN kicks BARRY in the face and BARRY takes his gun and shoots some PSYCHOLOGISTS.
How did a pathetic man-animal do that? We've studied them so closely, yet we've never found that they could operate simple machinery despite the fact that their planet was clearly full of machines like guns before we eradicated most of the Earth! This man-animal must be smarter than the rest, despite how stupid he must be as a man-animal. We have leverage.
You are totally incompetent. Mr. Gates will not be pleased. I am sentencing you to spend forever and a day here on this crappy planet. I have leverage.
He BEAMS himself away.
Fuck! Well, I guess my only choice now is to..uh...er...
Perhaps you should use the man-animals to your own advantage.
Hey! I'm smarter than you! I have leverage! Don't tell me what to do! I was just thinking that I should enslave them and make them get gold for me, because gold, which achieved a high value on Earth, is apparently just as rare on my home planet and must have a similar high value. That makes sense.
I'll help. I'm smart. All you need to do is give me complete knowledge of your history, your weaknesses, and the technical knowledge needed to, I dunno, wage a small war on your people and destroy you entirely. Then I will have leverage.
Okay. I think that'll work out well because despite your clear signs that you're not as stupid as we once thought, we still think you're too stupid to accomplish anything useful, even having amassed the highest education level possible. Here, look into this Viewmaster. This will give you some leverage, but not as much leverage as I have.
Now get me some gold!
JOHN grabs the HOT GIRL and threatens to blow her head off.
Help! Save me! I'm hot!
Fine. I'll do it.
You did that because of my leverage. Now watch as I kill this random guy to make sure you know how evil I am. This will give me more leverage.
BARRY talks to a bunch of humans.
I have a shitload of knowledge now. It gives me leverage. We need to learn how to pilot fighter jets and get some gold for Travolta.
BARRY goes to an army base which somehow still has electricity a thousand years in the future of the destroyed Earth. He puts his human army on a flight simulator for ten minutes and they become experts in flight, missile arming, and aiming.
Then they fly to a place with a lot of GOLD without a MAP of any kind and steal some GOLD BARS, which are still there for some reason.
He returns to the cave just in time for TRAVOLTA to check on things.
How's the gold coming along?
Here! We melted it into bars for you, using..er..our teeth.
Excellent. I'm a complete moron!
He leaves. The humans get into jets and prepare to take out the PSYCHOLOGIST CONVENTION HEADQUARTERS.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE HQ
Ok men. I'll send this ship with a bomb in it to the home planet. You all, meanwhile, should destroy the roof so that they can't breathe. Our knowledge of their weakness gives us leverage.
A DOGFIGHT happens, eventually destroying the roof so that the psychologists can't breathe. Many of them DIE, except the ones with NOSEPLUGS.
You son of a bitch. I'm going to kill you.
No you won't!
I have leverage now!
Thanks, Forrest. You certainly exercised some righteous leverage there.
Good job, Barry! Wanna go down on me? I haven't shaved in three years.
I'll be back in the sequels! There are already four of them planned! I'm that confident the movie would do well! You see, I really am a complete moron!
Fuck that, I'm not going to sit through another one of these. My neck is sore from tilting my head.
You see this 7.50? THIS is leverage, you egomaniacal twit.
Rod has been an author at The Editing Room for 17 years. You can support Rod and the rest of the site on Patreon.
Rod is the founder of The Editing Room, having started the web site in 1998 after seeing "Godzilla" and being compelled to express his hatred. He's written the lion's share of Abridged Scripts on the site, many of which have appeared in Total Film magazine and Cracked.com