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Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

BATTLEFIELD EARTH: A SAGA OF THE YEAR 3000

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. CAVE

BARRY PEPPER and various DIRTY HUMANS sit around a fire, being dirty and primitive. The camera man falls asleep and the picture is tilted. This continues throughout the movie.

BARRY PEPPER

I am dirty and primitive, but I am also very smart. I'm going to venture into the putt-putt course outside!

WISE OLD MAN

No! Don't! You'll be killed! The gods would be displeased!

BARRY PEPPER

Ha! I don't believe in your foolish, fear-based religion which is clearly representing Christianity, Judaism, and Islam! Besides, Scientology is much more logical and sensical!

HOT GIRL

I will be waiting here for you to come back. If you don't return, I shall track you down. Naked.

BARRY PEPPER

Ooh baby, can I pick the lice out of your hair?

HOT GIRL

Rowr.

BARRY PEPPER

And if it all goes well, I'll take a stab at your crabs too.

(winks)

Whaddaya say, baby?

HOT GIRL

I'm getting so horny! Ack! My sweat and vaginal secretions are mixing with my many layers of dirt and creating some kind of paste! Aiee!

BARRY PEPPER

Mmmm, baby. Well, I'm off to find food and putters.

EXT. PUTT PUTT COURSE

BARRY is frightened by a WINDMILL.

BARRY PEPPER

Yikes! A windmill!

RANDOM CAVEMAN

Give me all your money! You have ventured into dangerous land and now you will suffer.

BARRY PEPPER

Perhaps we can work together to find some rats and bugs.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE

They are chowing down on some DIRT. Suddenly, a PSYCHOLOGIST shows up!

PSYCHOLOGIST

Ha ha! I will use my psychobabble and reverse psychology on you! As well as my green gun which is so powerful that it creates a beam of light created by a crayon on the actual frame of the movie!

BARRY and the two people run away.

PSYCHOLOGIST

It is useless to run! You're only in denial about your own inadequacies! *ZAP*

A human is hit and is scribbled over with GREEN CRAYON.

PSYCHOLOGIST

Come back! You have deep emotional issues with your lack of a father! You must accept yourself before you can accept others! *ZAP* *KRAKOOM*

Eventually he captures the humans and takes them back to the PSYCHOLOGIST CONVENTION.

INT. PSYCHOLOGIST CONVENTION

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Ah, splendid. Man-animals to torture and enslave.

HIGHER UP

I am here to watch how you perform on the job, head-of-security John Travolta.

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Well watch as I take out this puny man- animal.

JOHN kicks BARRY in the face and BARRY takes his gun and shoots some PSYCHOLOGISTS.

JOHN TRAVOLTA

How did a pathetic man-animal do that? We've studied them so closely, yet we've never found that they could operate simple machinery despite the fact that their planet was clearly full of machines like guns before we eradicated most of the Earth! This man-animal must be smarter than the rest, despite how stupid he must be as a man-animal. We have leverage.

HIGHER UP

You are totally incompetent. Mr. Gates will not be pleased. I am sentencing you to spend forever and a day here on this crappy planet. I have leverage.

He BEAMS himself away.

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Fuck! Well, I guess my only choice now is to..uh...er...

FORREST WHITAKER

Perhaps you should use the man-animals to your own advantage.

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Hey! I'm smarter than you! I have leverage! Don't tell me what to do! I was just thinking that I should enslave them and make them get gold for me, because gold, which achieved a high value on Earth, is apparently just as rare on my home planet and must have a similar high value. That makes sense.

BARRY PEPPER

I'll help. I'm smart. All you need to do is give me complete knowledge of your history, your weaknesses, and the technical knowledge needed to, I dunno, wage a small war on your people and destroy you entirely. Then I will have leverage.

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Okay. I think that'll work out well because despite your clear signs that you're not as stupid as we once thought, we still think you're too stupid to accomplish anything useful, even having amassed the highest education level possible. Here, look into this Viewmaster. This will give you some leverage, but not as much leverage as I have.

BARRY PEPPER

Whoa, knowledge!

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Now get me some gold!

BARRY PEPPER

No.

JOHN grabs the HOT GIRL and threatens to blow her head off.

HOT GIRL

Help! Save me! I'm hot!

BARRY PEPPER

Fine. I'll do it.

JOHN TRAVOLTA

You did that because of my leverage. Now watch as I kill this random guy to make sure you know how evil I am. This will give me more leverage.

INT. CAVE

BARRY talks to a bunch of humans.

BARRY PEPPER

I have a shitload of knowledge now. It gives me leverage. We need to learn how to pilot fighter jets and get some gold for Travolta.

BARRY goes to an army base which somehow still has electricity a thousand years in the future of the destroyed Earth. He puts his human army on a flight simulator for ten minutes and they become experts in flight, missile arming, and aiming.

Then they fly to a place with a lot of GOLD without a MAP of any kind and steal some GOLD BARS, which are still there for some reason.

He returns to the cave just in time for TRAVOLTA to check on things.

JOHN TRAVOLTA

How's the gold coming along?

BARRY PEPPER

Here! We melted it into bars for you, using..er..our teeth.

JOHN TRAVOLTA

Excellent. I'm a complete moron!

He leaves. The humans get into jets and prepare to take out the PSYCHOLOGIST CONVENTION HEADQUARTERS.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE HQ

BARRY PEPPER

Ok men. I'll send this ship with a bomb in it to the home planet. You all, meanwhile, should destroy the roof so that they can't breathe. Our knowledge of their weakness gives us leverage.

A DOGFIGHT happens, eventually destroying the roof so that the psychologists can't breathe. Many of them DIE, except the ones with NOSEPLUGS.

JOHN TRAVOLTA

You son of a bitch. I'm going to kill you.

FORREST WHITAKER

No you won't!

(shoots Travolta)

I have leverage now!

BARRY PEPPER

Thanks, Forrest. You certainly exercised some righteous leverage there.

HOT GIRL

Good job, Barry! Wanna go down on me? I haven't shaved in three years.

BARRY PEPPER

Woo hoo!

JOHN TRAVOLTA

I'll be back in the sequels! There are already four of them planned! I'm that confident the movie would do well! You see, I really am a complete moron!

AUDIENCE

Fuck that, I'm not going to sit through another one of these. My neck is sore from tilting my head.

(opens wallet)

You see this 7.50? THIS is leverage, you egomaniacal twit.

END