The Abridged Script
Author's note: Special thanks go out to my wife Barbara, who was (as ever) instrumental in pinpointing the many, many, many things wrong with this movie. Now, please enjoy!
EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC LANDSCAPE
TOM CRUISE patrols the devastated Earth in his BUBBLESHIP while leaving a DIARY ENTRY in a diary that we never see which is addressed to nobody.
TOM CRUISE (V/O)
Sixty years ago, aliens declared war by stealing our Moon and replacing it with a giant matte painting. This caused giant earthquakes to swallow up New York and obliterate all its tall, imposing landmarks. Somehow I survived.
TOM stretches upwards to gently tap the ELVIS BOBBLEHEAD on his dashboard.
TOM CRUISE (V/O)
Most humans fled to Titan, while my partner and I were put in cryosleep and revived later, to guard what remains. Our memories have been wiped so that we can't divulge any sensitive information like, oh let's say, where all the humans went.
TOM flies past some GIANT FLOATING DEHUMIDIFIERS busy turning water into fuel to send to Titan which is full of ice which is water.
TOM CRUISE (V/O)
Although the war is over, we are under constant threat of attack from alien Scavengers, because the war is not over. Accordingly, we've stuck all our command towers on top of 800-foot-tall flagpoles the width of a coffee mug.
But the bullshittiness of my situation doesn't trouble me half as much as my mysterious dreams of Olga Kurylenko. There's just something about her I can't quite put my dick into. Er, finger into. ON. Dammit.
Hey Tom it's me, back at the command post that I never leave? There's a broken robot drone in a stadium for you to fix. I'd chat more but there's a casserole in the oven, bye!
INT. POST-APOCALYPTIC FOOTBALL STADIUM STILL ABOVE GROUND BECAUSE THE EARTHQUAKE WAS A GIANTS FAN OR SOMETHING
TOM lands and finds the broken DRONE.
Hm, it's missing the part that's either a power cell or a toner cartridge. I'd better go find it, but first I'll switch from my plane to a motorcycle so I can both travel slower and see less.
TOM gets his WII RIFLE from the WII PLANE, assembles his WII BIKE, and heads out. He finds a LIBRARY HOLE and RAPPELS into it!
INT. NY PUBLIC LIBRARY
Hope there's a set of Jack Reacher novels down here... still haven't read "Echo Burning" or "61 Hours" yet. Though of course I've seen the whole series of acclaimed blockbuster films!
But strangely, given the war started post-2017, there's nothing but hardbound books from the 1930s. Darn.
Suddenly SCAVENGERS attack while being VERY CAREFUL to not show themselves JUST YET! TOM manages to ESCAPE but his BIKE is gone!
Aw crap, now I'm stranded miles away from my ship in hostile desert and...
(returns to ship)
INT. TOM'S SKY CONDO
TOM arrives with a surprise gift for ANDREA.
(throws away flower)
Who KNOWS what poisons that absorbed from the horribly contaminated earth! Now, let's go have sex in our open-air swimming pool that is exposed to both toxic rainfall AND outside attack.
Sure! Then maybe later, we can continue safeguarding humanity in this grim dystopia over some martinis in the billiards room.
EXT. ON PATROL - THE NEXT DAY
TOM is flying around.
...anyway, I need to go finish up my beehive hairdo and do the ironing. Remember, don't cross the imaginary boundary where lethal radiation stops abruptly in mid-air for no reason.
Roger to that completely logically sound request!
Hm, what to do. Guess I'll fly under the radar to get some on the down low.
Get some personal time, that is. By flying down, beneath radar coverage, to a lower altitude where... oh, fuck you all.
TOM flies to his secret hideaway L.L. BEAN CATALOG and scores a huge SALE on 100% COTTON PLAID SHIRTS before remembering there's a movie to get on with.
EXT. BACK ON PATROL
TOM spots a CRASH SITE! Investigating, he finds PODS with HUMANS in them, including OLGA KURYLENKO! But a bunch of ROBOT DRONES arrive and start SHOOTING the PODS!
ARRRGH WE WERE COOL WITH YOU BEING IN ORBIT BUT NOW YOU MUST DIE!!! KILL HUMANS!! KILL ALL THE HUMANS!!
NOOO!! Well, not Olga anyway. I command you to stop!
WE CANNOT KILL THIS PARTICULAR HUMAN! WHAT, EVEN THOUGH HE HAS LEARNED OF OUR ORDERS TO KILL HUMANS, SERIOUSLY? THERE'S NO EXCEPTION BUILT INTO OUR PROGRAMMING THAT... FINE, WE'RE LEAVING!
INT. SKY CONDO
TOM and ANDREA share dinner with OLGA using the THIRD CHAIR and PLACE SETTING that every lone pair of sentinels on an abandoned planet has.
Is there anything you want to tell us, Olga?
What, about you being my husband, and me remembering that along with a bunch of other things?
No thanks. Lovely casserole though, Andrea.
I'm glad you like it! The secret ingredient is for you to go fuck a hot curling iron you homewrecking slut.
Maybe we should skip Pictionary tonight.
TOM and OLGA return to the CRASH SITE where OLGA finds her FLIGHT RECORDER and TOM finds a RIFLE BUTT TO THE FACE. Meanwhile ANDREA checks in with MELISSA LEO who is TOTALLY 100% HUMAN AND NOT A COMPUTER AT ALL.
So is it another day in paradise? Are you an effective team? Also, have you gotten utterly sick of having the same conversation each and every single day yet?
Yes, yes, and strangely, no.
I should just admit I'm a goddamn computer. I could still pretend to be a good computer, like Jarvis to your Iron Man or something. It would be less idiotic than pretending to be a human who only knows ten different sentences.
INT. GENERIC DARK & DIRTY INDUSTRIAL MULTI-LEVEL SET -- THINK ALIEN 3 BUT WITH HAIR
Rebel leader MORGAN FREEMAN organizes his troops.
Alright everyone, line up single file all the way around... wait, we have a gap over on the third catwalk. Bill, move up there and you guys spread out a bit more... more... that's good. Now cut the lights, I want this to be super dramatic. Bring him in!
(tied to chair)
Okay, full points for choreography, but I don't trust you.
No need. I will kill Olga unless you do as we ask!
Just then a DRONE attacks! It kills several guards before NIKOLAJ COSTER-WALDAU shoots its BIG HONKING EXPOSED OFF-BUTTON that stops JUST SHORT of having a LITERAL BULLS-EYE painted on it in NEON.
Guess I won THAT round of "Game of Drones", eh? Ha, ha, ha.
Because I play Jaime Lannister on Game of...
Yeah, yeah, we got it. I guess now we go back to the help-us-or-we-kill-Olga situation?
Eh, we could, but I won't. Get outta here, you crazy kids!
(returns Tom's bike)
TOM and OLGA get on the BIKE and go TEARING OFF without asking where the hell they even are.
So, the drones have pinpointed our position. Think we should move our hideout?
Oh. We gonna do anything at all until our next scene?
(goes to crafts services table)
EXT. BARELY EXPOSED TOP OF EMPIRE STATE BUILDING
I happen to know there's a Scavenger beacon here that we can use to call my ship. And hey, this is ALSO the location where my dreams about you are set, and isn't that convenient.
I think it's finally time for me to share the truth. We're married and everything you believe is a lie and gosh this would have been WAY more useful to tell you about ten minutes ago.
I remember now! I made you look through the binoculars and then shoved a diamond ring in your face, so that you would be too disoriented to refuse my proposal!
They KISS, just as TOM'S SHIP arrives to beam VIDEO of it to ANDREA in a sublime burst of SITCOM TIMING. TOM and OLGA head back to the SKY CONDO, only to find that ANDREA has locked the door and is blasting ADELE.
Dammit Andrea open up! I've learned crucial things that change everything about who we are and the world we live in! Not to mention the fate of all humanity!
No, I don't care what's at stake, or how much of an adult scientist I'm supposed to be, I insist on dealing with this at the level of a high school love triangle!!
Can I just butt in to ask if you're an effective team still, even though anyone with the brain of an ant could see you're not? Apparently I still need your permission to kill you both even though my cover story's totally blown.
(bursting into tears)
NO WE'RE NOT AN EFFECTIVE TEAM BECAUSE STUPID TOM AND HIS STUPID BITCH WHORE ARE STUPID
(sobs through Nicholas Sparks marathon while mainlining Haagen-Daas)
A DRONE arrives and SHOOTS ANDREA, but she dies OFFSCREEN so as to be properly LADYLIKE. Then
BANE THE DRONE advances to kill BATMAN TOM CRUISE, but at the last second CATWOMAN OLGA KURYLENKO shoots it from the BATPOD BUBBLEPLANE sending him it flying across the room in a heap, presumably dead deactivated! TOM runs to the BUBBLEPLANE!
Oh crap, Melissa launched three more Angry Drones at us, and our house is almost totally smashed already!
I know, let's lure them into a stormcloud so they can be hit by lightning! It won't hurt them, but it WILL tie back nicely to an earlier scene that also achieved nothing.
TOM flies into a CANYON, that great equalizer of ALL SCI-FI DOGFIGHTS. Seriously, ALL OF THEM.
Now let's sneak up behind the drones even though they can shoot backwards. And for that matter so can we, which makes all this maneuvering behind each other just a wee bit UTTERLY FUCKING POINTLESS.
TOM destroys TWO of the drones, but the last one activates its TV CAR CHASE mode and begins SLAMMING the side of the BUBBLEPLANE! They CRASH inside the RADIOACTIVE ZONE!
EXT. SAND DUNES
TOM leaves the crash site and, shockingly, finds himself FACE-TO-FACE with a very similar-looking man in a very familiar-looking jumpsuit... who proves to be none other THAN...
SAM ROCKWELL FROM 'MOON'
Oh, hey. I think you want the next quadrant over.
TOM returns to the BUBBLESHIP, TAKES OFF and RECRASHES and, shockingly, finds himself FACE-TO-FACE with ANOTHER similar-looking man who proves to be... ANOTHER TOM CRUISE!!
OTHER TOM CRUISE
What the hell? Who the fuck are you?
Calm down, I can explain everything. But I explain best by using punches to the face!
They FIGHT! TOM jams OTHER TOM'S HEAD into his CROTCH and SQUEEZES, instantly turning the movie into the MOST EXPENSIVE AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION VIDEO of ALL TIME. OTHER TOM passes out and TOM ties him up!
Wow, he has a number 52 on his ship and outfit where I have 49! And he has yellow where I have blue!
The drones are after me, so maybe I should disguise myself as him. Of course, this being one of the exceedingly rare times where it would make sense for the hero's stolen outfit to fit perfectly, it WON'T happen.
Can I just point out that the one stray bullet you fired during that fight did NOT hit the endless amounts of wide-open desert, but instead hit me, in the stomach?
INT. SKY CONDO #52
TOM shows up to grab a MEDIKIT and runs into ANDREA-52.
Hello Tom! I'm not going to react at all to your bashed-up face and utterly wrong outfit. Our female brains are just that much easier to wash, I guess! Tee hee!
(forms bridge club)
Damn right, no way would I be so easily indoctrinated into such a manipulative, controlling belief system and made to be its unwitting slave and COME ON, REALLY?! Does EVERY goddamn script with me in it need its VERY OWN cheap Scientology joke?!? Fuck's SAKE, people!!
TOM returns to OLGA, noting that in the meanwhile TOM-52 managed to ESCAPE and then TOTALLY DITCH OLGA and RUN OFF, making him something of a DOUCHEBAG which would be fine if he weren't going to be HEROICALLY RE-INTRODUCED later.
EXT. TOM'S HIDEAWAY
TOM putts around while OLGA rests and the audience takes a BATHROOM BREAK.
Hey, remember that romantic moment we had when I said that one day we'd both be dead and gone and rotting in a ditch somewhere and nobody would remember us?
Yeah... why are we married?
EXT. MORGAN'S HIDEOUT
TOM and OLGA return in the BUBBLESHIP that is linked directly to MELISSA LEOBOT in case she forgot where the rebel hideout is.
So I guess this is the part where you tell me what you could have said last time.
To be fair, LAST time all you knew was that your allegedly alien enemies were actually human, and your allegedly human bosses wanted all humans dead. THIS time you know all that, plus you know that there are clones of you.
I am swayed by your having THREE pieces of solid evidence, instead of merely two! I will now trust everything you say.
Okay then. So sixty years back, Melissa Leobot made an army of thousands of clones of you, and used it to win the war. I can only assume that the thousands of Andrea clones were back home forming auxiliary societies and expanding the role of women in the workplace, setting the stage for the liberation movement of the 1970s in which...
Hold on. So before, they could brainwash me into killing truckloads of humans, alongside clones of myself, without batting an eye; but now they can't even convince me to be a goddamn repairman without me getting all "BUT I HAVE MEMORIES OF MY WIFE BLUB BLUB WAAAAAAAH"?
Yes, that's exactly right. So will you help us destroy Melissa?
Fucking right, the whole damn movie deserves to be fragged at this point.
I've got an idea. We could tell all my clones the truth, and since the drones are programmed not to kill me, we could easily take them down. Then we'd have all you guys, my clone army, and all the drones to fight the one mothership with. Plus, the Andreas could make SO MUCH casserole that...
We could do that, but then we'd come dangerously close to NOT doing something the audience has seen a million times before. So instead we're going with the single-explosive-in-the-heart-of-the-mothership plan.
Fine, I'll help. And since it'll take a while to set up, maybe this is a good time to listen to that flight recorder.
(ignores flight recorder)
INT. MEANWHILE ON THE ALIEN SHIP
Lum tee tum.
Oh, right, I was going to destroy that resistance base thingie. God, I start playing Words With Drones and suddenly ten hours are just gone.
INT. MORGAN'S HIDEOUT
DRONES attack! We spend some time watching ROBOTS kill EXTRAS and it is JUST THAT THRILLING. Meanwhile OLGA does some critical RUNNING ALONGSIDE CHILDREN until being cornered by a DRONE... which is shot down by NIKOLAJ!
Dammit, Nik, I could have handled that.
Look, we let you defeat one drone already, two might have given you vapours.
I just want to contribute something tangible to the plot...
Hey, earlier on, Melissa asked Tom to bring me to her. Maybe I could sacrifice myself along with Tom, thus gaining some semblance of equal footing with him?
Good point, but Morgan is old, badly wounded, and most crucially male, so I'll take him instead. Tell you what though, I'll seal you back in your pod and just let you THINK that you're about to die and are experiencing your final moments, for no reason at all.
Seriously. WHY did I marry this asshole?
TOM and MORGAN take TOM-52'S BUBBLESHIP towards the ALIEN SHIP and are brought INSIDE.
Now THIS is the best time to listen to that flight recorder FOR SURE!
INT. TOM'S ORIGINAL SHIP - FLASHBACK
TOM and ANDREA fly towards the ALIEN SHIP.
Check it out, I was your co-pilot with a crush on you! And your wife's in cryosleep as we all go on this vastly important mission. Psychological risk assessments can go eat a dick, am I right?
Wait, why are we using cryosleep for a three-hour flight...
Arrrgh, we are caught in a tractor beam! Firing thrusters in full reverse does nothing! Must save the sleep module by pushing it gently away from us!
This WORKS because FUCK IT.
INT. ALIEN SHIP
TOM'S SHIP, which STILL DOES NOT MATCH HIS OUTFIT BY THE WAY, gently floats past the areas that manufacture the clones' BEDSHEETS and GLASSWARES.
I sure hope that listening to this recording doesn't give us away.
Huh? Oh, don't worry, my scanning equipment is only as precise as the plot needs it to be at any split-second. I mean earlier on, I tracked your DNA trail from orbit, and now I don't even notice that your passenger has a cock where her vagina should be.
So what happens if I just straight-up tell you I'm here to try and save humanity?
TOM is brought DEEPER inside the GIANT INVERTED-PYRAMID ALIEN SHIP, through a series of SMALLER INVERTED PYRAMIDS with INVERTED PYRAMID DOORS leading to the shocking final reveal of HOLY FUCKING SHIT AN INVERTED PYRAMID OKAY MIND OFFICIALLY BLOWN DUDE
Hi, I'm your evil computer overlord. Go ahead, ask me anything!
Okay. Why does a marauding alien computer from deep space have drones that need humans to fix them?
And why do you bother giving the clones different numbers and colour schemes if they're never supposed to interact? You can travel between galaxies but can't create a "tom_clone_list.xls" file?
And why concoct a fake story so easily disproven by basic reasoning, or MY OWN EYES, when you could just as easily say "Evil humans destroyed the Moon so we cloned you to fight them"?
And why keep making clones with his memories? It's been 60 years since the war, why haven't you grown new humans from scratch that have no pesky memories of their own?
Fools, you can blast my stupid, stupid plans all you want, but without some kind of detonation device, it's all for nothing! I win!
I guess so. Remind me... what's this film rated again?
PG-13, of course. But why...
...oh no! NOOO!
That's right, I've got exactly ONE F-BOMB to use, and I've saved it for RIGHT NOW! So SWEET DREAMS, AND FUUUUUUUUU.....
TOM drops the F-BOMB, EXPLODING the MOTHERSHIP!!
EXT. A CLONE TOM'S CABIN
OLGA is busy HOMESCHOOLING her new toddler when NIKOLAJ and the REBELS arrive, led by...
It's me, Tom-52, the guy who left you alone to die in the desert earlier! I've come here to be your husband.
How romantic and noble of you!
Well, Tom-33 is on cleaning duty right now, you could help him out. Then I have dinner planned with Tom-14 and Tom-71, but there is a spot left in the 3am-4am "fucking my brains out" session, I only have two clones booked there.
Two other dudes? I, er, am prepared to make this sacrifice, ah, to be with you.
(begins lubeing self)
I was here all along!
Their enemy having finally been defeated, HUMANITY begins to REBUILD and RISE AGAIN while occasionally dodging ENORMOUS CHUNKS OF MOON crashing down on them until enough Moon is gone that our solar orbit becomes hopelessly erratic finally casting the Earth into the depths of empty space where all life freezes to death forever.