"Vowing to move to Canada after the election maybe wasn't such a great idea after all."


"Vowing to move to Canada after the election maybe wasn't such a great idea after all."

THE 5TH WAVE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. POST-APOCALYPTIC OHIO (AKA OHIO)

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ is cosplaying as ELLIE from THE LAST OF US when she encounters a DYING MAN.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Holy shit am I packing an assault rifle? What the hell is going on?

DYING MAN

Apparently we are in the midst of an alien invasion and I’ve been wounded. Please help me--

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

DROP YOUR WEAPON MOTHERFUCKER!!! DO IIITTTTTT!!!

DYING MAN

(drops gun)

Now I am totally defenseless except for this extremely shiny crucifix I’m slooooowly pulling out of my jacket--

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

GUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!

DYING MAN

(is killed!)

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Gosh, I hope that was some kind of exploding crucifix or else I just straight up murdered an innocent man.

It WASN’T and SHE DID.

INT. PRE-APOCALYPTIC OHIO - SOMETIME EARLIER

CHLOË is at a party cruising for some D when she stumbles into a MEET CUTE with BLAND LOVE INTEREST #1.

NICK ROBINSON

Wait are you talking about me? Hey I’m not bland! Just mildly forgettablandble!

The next day, CHLOË is at school when the ALIENS arrive in SPACESHIPS that look like EVERY OTHER SPACESHIP IN EVERY OTHER INVASION MOVIE YOU'VE EVER SEEN, EVER.

ALIENS

Greetings Hu-mons. At first our plan was to get Amy Adams to learn our language with some refreshingly cerebral sci-fi, but then we thought, fuck it, let’s do the tired War of the Worlds bullshit instead! We shall attack with The 1st Wave: a planet-wide EMP!

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Oh no! All electronics are dead! Planes are falling out of the sky! Cats are marrying dogs! And worst of all: NO WI-FI!!!!! It’s total chaos!

ALIENS

Ah, but that is but a tiny fraction of our might! Now for The 2nd Wave: Earthquakes!

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Uh, dude, we get those all the time.

ALIENS

Not in Ohio you don’t!

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Oh. Well in that case

(loses her entire fucking shit)

The earthquakes cause severe FLOODING all over the place and CHLOË almost loses her LITTLE BROTHER.

Oh, did I mention she has a LITTLE BROTHER? It’s not important but she DOES. But it’s not important.

ALIENS

Now for The 3rd Wave: Avian Flu! Yes, you all thought that shit was fake news but it’s real! We’ve modified it to kill millions of humans without revealing ourselves or losing any of our own people! We are the smartest alien invaders ever! Just so long as we don’t get insanely stupid at some point in the next 10 minutes!

The FLU kills CHLOË’s mom.

Did I mention she had one of those? Well she does. Not that it MATTERS, but she does. Just so you KNOW.

DOES NOT MATTER. AT ALL.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

But luckily some of us are immune to the flu and survive!

ALIENS

You do? Well shit, I suppose we could just modify the flu again to kill you all. That would make the most sense and save us from doing something colossally dumb like come off of our ships and put ourselves in mortal danger but OH WELL NEVERMIND!

(eats stupid pills)

INT. REFUGEE CAMP

A small group of survivors have gathered including CHLOË, her LITTLE BROTHER, and her dad RON LIVINGSTON.

RON LIVINGSTON

Hey, I actually get my name mentioned? That must mean I have a big role!

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Suuuure you do, as all parents do in YA movie adaptations.

LIEV SCHREIBER

Greetings everyone, I’m the leader of the U.S. Military and I’m here to rescue you... by stealing all of your children. Give them to me.

RON LIVINGSTON

Sure! Take’em!

LIEV SCHREIBER

Wow, really? Just like that? You’d give your children away to a total stranger?

RON LIVINGSTON

You’re wearing military gear and therefore are above reproach.

LIEV SCHREIBER

Awesome! Oh, did I mention that The 4th Wave means the aliens have come off of their ships and taken human form? Spoiler Alert: turns out I and all my military buddies are all aliens so maybe next time ask a question or two before pawning your kids off to a stranger in uniform you cuck.

RON LIVINGSTON

(is killed!)

All the other parents are SHOT with BULLETS.

LIEV SCHREIBER

Wow, these gun devices kill humans quickly and in great numbers. Maybe we should use a bunch of these instead of kidnapping a group of small children, brainwashing them Clockwork Orange style, and training them to be little child soldiers.

(pause)

Nope! The overly complicated plan is more better!

(drinks a tall glass of stupid juice with 100% Vitamin Stupid)

EXT. WOODS

CHLOË is living OFF THE GRID like a teenage BEAR GRYLLS.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Wow, turns out I’m actually pretty badass. Looks like all that Hit-Girl training really paid off

(is shot!)

OW SHIT COCK MOTHERFUCKER OW!!!!

(faints)

CHLOË wakes up in a creepy farmhouse.

ALEX ROE

Greetings Chloë, I’m your noticeably sexier Bland Love Interest #2, AKA "the Gale".

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Alright then.

They start FUCKING immediately.

INT. MILITARY BASE

NICK and CHLOË’s KID BROTHER are being trained to be LITTLE PSYCHOPATHS.

MARIA BELLO

I am an authority figure and also an alien as evidenced by my ridiculous haircut. Nick, you will train with Maika Monroe.

MAIKA MONROE

I’m the obligatory tough badass action chick even though my excessive use of eyeliner suggests the exact opposite. So Nick, I assume you want to have sex with me.

NICK ROBINSON

And get cursed? Fuck that.

MAIKA MONROE

Well we’re being deployed to go kill people we think are possessed by aliens but are in fact innocent humans.

NICK ROBINSON

It is a sad day in literature when people are stealing plot points from a Stephenie Meyer book.

MAIKA MONROE

We’re also kind of stealing story beats from Battle Los Angeles if it’s any consolation.

Well it ISN’T.

NICK realizes the team of CHILD MURDERERS is actually THE 5TH WAVE WHAAAAAAAT??

NICK ROBINSON

Oh suck my fuzzy scrotum movie. This is such a dumb plan, the absolute dumbest, the most asinine alien invasion plan anyone ever came up with while not being on LSD. Now I need to get back to the army base.

MAIKA MONROE

You mean so you can save Chloë’s Brother who you foolishly left in the hands of the aliens?

NICK ROBINSON

No, so I can ask Liev if his alien species ate lead chips when they were kids or if they were all just born with elephant shit for brains.

EXT. MAKE-OUT WOODS

CHLOË and ALEX are still doing a lot of FUCKING when they are attacked by ALIEN REDNECKS.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Oh no! They’re shooting at us with... rifles? Not phasers or blasters or disintegrator guns, just regular bolt action rifles?

REDNECK ALIENS

We blew our entire weapons budget on that worldwide EMP. Prepare to die!

(fights like a drunken senior with arthritis)

ALEX ROE

Don’t worry Chloë, I’ll save you!

(uses super-human grasshopper powers)

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Wait, you’re an alien? I knew I should have used a condom. Your baby isn’t going to burst out of my chest is it?

ALEX ROE

I’m a sleeper agent. My mission was to infiltrate human society and kill all seven billion of you with... a rifle. A single rifle and that’s it. But then I got one look at that pointy chin of yours and I switched sides.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Jesus, you turned on your whole species just for some punani? Actually now that I think about it that’s the most believable part of this entire movie.

ALEX ROE

Yeah, lucky for you I somehow haven’t discovered Tinder yet.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Follow me to the army base so I can go rescue that forgettable child actor playing my brother.

INT. MILITARY BASE

CHLOË gets in and strangles MARIA to death because, my God, that hair man.

Meanwhile NICK confronts LIEV.

NICK ROBINSON

Liev, why did your alien invasion plan take such a pants-shittingly idiotic turn after Wave 3?

LIEV SCHREIBER

Well one thing you need to understand is that my species was born with elephant shit for brains. Also we consider lead paint chips a delicacy.

NICK ROBINSON

I KNEW IT!

LIEV SCHREIBER

Now that you know the truth I will send you away with one inept guard instead of just killing you right here.

NICK ROBINSON

Wow you guys really were dropped on your heads as babies.

LIEV SCHREIBER

(swallows safety pins)

NICK escapes the inept guard and runs into CHLOË.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Peta! Er, I mean Nick! I need you to help me find my Kid Brother!

NICK ROBINSON

Of course! As long as you take me out of the friend zone.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Not in your lifetime buddy.

ALEX ROE

Meanwhile I’ll set bombs around the base and blow it up along with myself!

CHLOË and NICK escape with KID BROTHER with the help of MAIKA before the enter base is FRAGGED.

This all happens within the span of about 5 SECONDS.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Wait, THAT was the big climax? But Liev got away! And we have no idea what happened to all those potential child murderers he has under his command. And how the fuck are we going to defeat these aliens if they control the military?

NICK ROBINSON

Sounds like we’ll have to find out in the much anticipated sequel 2 Wave 2 Furious!

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

We’re not getting a sequel.

NICK ROBINSON

What? Sure we are! This whole movie was basically a trailer for the next movie! Even Baby Geniuses got a sequel!

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

But that movie did something we couldn’t: make our money back.

MAIKA MONROE

Damn, that sucks. Maybe I’ll have better luck later this year with Independence Day 2.

CHLOË GRACE MORETZ

Don’t hold your fucking breath.

END

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