X-Men Origins: Wolverine: The Abridged Script
By Rod | May 6th, 2009 |
85 Comments
| Movie: 
Hugh Jackman discovers a poorly placed water jet in his hot tub.
FADE IN:
INT. A HOUSE – CANADA, 1845
YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN, who kind of resembles the kid from FREAKS AND GEEKS, is sick in bed. His brother, YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER, glowers over him while his father, PETER O’BRIEN, looks on.
YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN
Father! I had a terrible nightmare! I was hosting the Oscars, and I was part of this incredibly embarrassing musical number and–
PETER O’BRIEN
Shh, it’s alright son. You’re safe now, back in Canada in 1845.
YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN
Wait, what? Canada wasn’t even a country until 1867. Has Hollywood managed to not discover Wikipedia yet?
Suddenly, there is a RUCKUS downstairs.
PETER O’BRIEN
It sounds like your brother’s biological father is downstairs. I’ll be back in a minute, barring some tragic death that you’d expect to shape the very hairy man you will become but won’t.
He goes downstairs and is SHOT. YOUNG HUGH, who suddenly doesn’t seem to be bedridden with illness, runs downstairs. Seeing PETER dead, his knuckles get an ERECTION and he stabs YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER’S father, AARON JEFFERY.
AARON JEFFERY
He wasn’t your father. I was. You’ll have awesome mutton chops.
(dies)
YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN
I’m so confused, who the hell is related to whom then?
YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER
The only thing I know for certain is that mom’s a slut.
YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN
Well, the women in the audience didn’t come to see some pale kid in a robe. We should go ahead and skip to shirtless adulthood.
YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER
Yeah, let’s go fight for our country in war!
YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN
We’re Canadian, buddy.
YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER
Let’s go fight for the United States in war for some reason!
HUGH and LIEV grow up and fight in the American Civil War, World War I, World War II, and the Vietnam War.
Eventually LIEV tries to rape someone, but his squad tries to stop him at gunpoint. Despite the fact that he knows bullets can’t hurt LIEV, HUGH JACKMAN stops them and needlessly shows them his claws as well to move the story along.
They get a visit from DANNY HUSTON.
DANNY HUSTON
I heard you guys have some powers.
HUGH JACKMAN
Yes, I can heal myself and grow huge bone claws.
LIEV SCHREIBER
And I can heal myself and grow my fingernails out an inch or so.
DANNY HUSTON
Growing fingernails? Wasn’t that Meg Griffin’s power in an episode of Family Guy?
LIEV SCHREIBER
I also can grow slightly less retarded-looking facial hair than Hugh.
DANNY HUSTON
I’d like you both to join my mutant team, it’s mostly made up of actors who were written off of Lost.
HUGH JACKMAN
I’ll join your team without any apparent surprise at the existence of other mutants.
HUGH and LIEV join DANNY’S TEAM: KEVIN DURAND, DOMINIC MONAGHAN, DANIEL HENNEY, WILL.I.AM, and RYAN REYNOLDS.
DANIEL HENNEY
I’m Daniel, I have really good aim with guns that already have scopes on them.
WILL.I.AM
I have a combination of Nightcrawler’s power and the power to make any credits sequence look stupid using only my name.
DOMINIC MONAGHAN
I have the power to control electrical objects. When the plot requires it, I can also control mechanical objects. Hold on while I land this plane.
KEVIN DURAND
I have indestructible skin and eventually I turn into a huge fat guy named The Blob after I go on my all-Arby’s diet. Despite my skin power, I got a tattoo that has no relevance to the plot and only serves to make it more difficult to understand what my power is.
RYAN REYNOLDS
I’m good with swords. I also have the power to take completely unfunny lines and deliver them so sarcastically that the audience thinks they’re jokes.
LIEV SCHREIBER
You look familiar. Aren’t you Blade’s buddy? Shouldn’t there be a rule against an actor playing two different characters from the Marvel universe? Unless you’re Rebecca Romijn and you’re nude and painted blue for one of them, obviously.
HUGH JACKMAN
So let’s see, the leftover Marvel comics characters we got for this movie are a guy with extremely good aim, someone who uses various sharp metal weapons, and a ridiculously fat guy. Did I walk onto the set for Daredevil?
They all break into a building to steal some METEORITE while LIEV SCHREIBER is wire-lifted into the roof of the building to apparently do absolutely nothing.
They kill twenty or so people, but when they kill the twenty-first person HUGH protests.
HUGH JACKMAN
That’s enough! I didn’t sign up for this.
DANNY HUSTON
What exactly did you think you were signing up for?
HUGH JACKMAN
I’m not sure, but you guys are so boring that it’s making me miss Halle Berry and that’s downright criminal. I’m out of here.
HUGH leaves to go be a lumberjack in CANADA, eh.
EXT. CANADA – 6 YEARS LATER
HUGH leaves his house at the top of a mountain and starts his four-hour commute to work. After his girlfriend, LYNN COLLINS, cuts his dick off and feeds it to him in front of his workmates, he gets a visit from DANNY HUSTON.
DANNY HUSTON
Someone is going around killing our old team members. Dominic Monaghan is dead.
HUGH JACKMAN
How entirely unlike Watchmen.
DANNY HUSTON
An autopsy revealed he was extremely disinterested when he was killed, which makes me think it must have been Liev Schreiber.
HUGH JACKMAN
Somehow, it doesn’t even occur to me that my girlfriend may be in danger. Go away.
LIEV kills LYNN COLLINS, sending HUGH into a HAIRY RAGE. He tracks down LIEV and they FIGHT.
LIEV SCHREIBER
Person who fights with the poorest wirework wins!
LIEV beats HUGH by dropping a bunch of LOGS THAT DON’T OBEY THE LAWS OF PHYSICS on him.
DANNY HUSTON
Alright, people have had enough of this mysterious background nonsense. Let’s get you some metal claws so we can have another fight scene.
HUGH JACKMAN
Then why did we even bother making a prequel? Didn’t we learn enough about how I got the metal claws in the second X-Men movie?
DANNY HUSTON
It wasn’t quite covered in unnecessary excruciating detail. That’s really the point of this movie, if you couldn’t tell by the excruciatingly detailed title, which helpfully lets audience members know that this isn’t a movie about just anyone named Wolverine, but specifically the one from X-Men.
HUGH JACKMAN
At least it’s better than the draft title, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, The Guy With The Claws That’s In The Other Three X-Men Movies But This One Happens Before Those.
HUGH has his skeleton coated in METAL, which also coincidentally shapes his ROUND BONE CLAWS into nice sharp blades.
DANNY HUSTON
It worked! Alright, now that he can’t be defeated and there’s no way whatsoever for us to control him, let’s kill him.
This FAILS. HUGH jumps out of his WATER TANK and escapes after apparently taking the time to completely dry himself and his hair. He hides out on JONATHAN AND MARTHA KENT’S FARM.
EXT. SOME FARM – STILL IN CANADA I GUESS
JONATHAN KENT finds HUGH in his BARN, naked.
JONATHAN KENT
Rather than call the police, I’m going to invite you into my house. That’s how we roll in Canada.
HUGH goes to the bathroom and stares at his claws a bit.
HUGH JACKMAN
I can’t believe this.
JONATHAN KENT
What, that you survived having your skeleton coated in indestructible metal?
HUGH JACKMAN
No, that my computer-generated claws somehow look even less real in this movie than they did in a movie that came out nine fucking years ago.
JONATHAN KENT
No kidding. This hardly looks any better than the leaked workprint.
(pause)
Errrrr, uh, so I’ve heard!
(pause)
Please don’t fire me, Fox!
JONATHAN is SHOT by DANIEL HENNEY.
HUGH JACKMAN
No! I can’t believe the ultra powerful government agency that tracked me to the remote Canadian Rockies was able to track me to this farm!
JONATHAN KENT
I want you to take this leather jacket and motorcycle. They used to belong to my son, but what’s that asshole ever done for me besides not attract a mutant assassin to my home to murder me and my wife?
(dies)
HUGH JACKMAN
At long last, the secret behind some leather jacket is finally revealed! Now that’s what I call an origin story!
HUGH launches himself at DANIEL’S HELICOPTER, DIE HARD STYLE, and cuts through the helicopter like WARM BUTTER. The HELICOPTER crashes.
DANIEL HENNEY
You can’t kill me, Hugh. You hate me, so you wouldn’t be able to kneel next to my dead body and scream into the sky as the camera zooms out above you.
HUGH JACKMAN
That’s true, but I could ignite your helicopter fuel and walk away in slow motion as it explodes behind me.
DANIEL HENNEY
Damn, an even more overused cliche. Touche, Hugh.
HUGH does this, then apparently rides his motorcycle 1,200 miles to LAS VEGAS in a day.
INT. GYMNASIUM – LAS VEGAS
HUGH finds WILL.I.AM and KEVIN DURAND WEARING THE FAT BASTARD MAKEUP.
HUGH JACKMAN
Holy crap Kevin, what that hell have you done for the last 6 years?
KEVIN DURAND
Well I starred in my own spin-off: Glutty Professor 2: The Blobs.
WIL.I.AM
Are you looking for Liev? Because he and Danny work together on some island, rounding up mutants to build some kind of supermutant. That’s why he wanted to experiment on you: to get your super-healing DNA.
HUGH JACKMAN
Why did he bother actually giving me the adamantium, then?
WILL.I.AM
Dude, just give up on trying to get this movie to make sense and go have another CGI fight scene.
KEVIN DURAND
If you want to find the island, you need to visit this guy that escaped named Taylor Kitsch. They call him Gambit since that’s the only X-Men character anyone gives a shit about who hasn’t been in a movie yet.
HUGH JACKMAN
What better way could you treat a well-loved X-Men character than with an awkward, pointless cameo?
HUGH hops on his motorcycle and rides 1,700 miles to NEW ORLEANS.
INT. BAR – NEW ORLEANS
HUGH finds TAYLOR KITSCH playing POKER and making cards float around in the air, because other poker players just love it when their opponents display superhuman abilities with cards.
HUGH JACKMAN
Are you Geeymmbit?
(coughs)
Sorry, kangaroo in my throat. Gambit.
TAYLOR KITSCH
Depends, am I going to have to star in my own X-Men Origins movie if I am?
HUGH JACKMAN
I doubt it, your performance will probably kill any chances of that happening.
TAYLOR KITSCH
Then yes. How can I help you awkwardly force the plot forward?
HUGH JACKMAN
I need you to get me back to the island where Liev Schreiber is hiding. I want to kill him.
Suddenly, LIEV shows up and fights HUGH. TAYLOR, oblivious to the fact that HUGH is about to kill his nemesis, does nothing but get in HUGH’S way.
HUGH knocks TAYLOR out, which apparently teleports him to the top of a nearby roof so he jumps down and stops HUGH again. LIEV gets away.
HUGH JACKMAN
Seriously? One of the coolest X-Men of all time and your role in the movie is just to get in the titular character’s way like a bumbling sidekick?
TAYLOR KITSCH
How about I make it up to you by flying you 1,150 miles to Liev’s hideout on Three Mile Island on my prop plane?
HUGH JACKMAN
My magic motorcycle could probably get me there in under 6 minutes, but fine.
They fly to THREE MILE ISLAND, where LIEV and DANNY have imprisoned all of the X-MEN CHARACTERS that haven’t been in a movie yet.
INT. POWER PLANT – THREE MILE ISLAND
HUGH frees a bunch of kids, including a YOUNG JAMES MARSDEN.
YOUNG JAMES MARSDEN
Thanks for freeing me, faceless stranger. I wish I could see you, but I have to wear a blindfold since I don’t have the optic-blast-blocking sunglasses that I somehow managed to find or make or something.
HUGH JACKMAN
Great. Well, make sure you don’t listen to any of your new friends when they tell you about the super-hairy guy with metal claws that freed you, otherwise the first X-Men movie won’t even make as much sense as this piece of shit.
HUGH JACKMAN finds DANNY HUSTON building a new SUPERMUTANT, SILENT RYAN REYNOLDS.
DANNY HUSTON
Hello Hugh. As you can see, I’ve sealed Ryan Reynolds’s mouth shut.
HUGH JACKMAN
You took a character nicknamed “The Merc with a Mouth” and sealed said mouth shut? That’s like making a Spiderman movie where he can’t shoot web. Or a Fantastic Four movie that doesn’t suck.
DANNY HUSTON
Just hold on a second while I type “Decapitate” into the application that controls Ryan. I have to type everything because we spent all our money on adamantium and couldn’t afford Visual Basic licenses.
RYAN REYNOLDS
Decapitate: Permission Denied.
DANNY HUSTON
Ack! Sudo decapitate.
RYAN REYNOLDS
Huston is not in the sudoers file. This incident will be reported.
DANNY HUSTON
Fuck me, su root && decapitate!
RYAN pushes ADAMANTIUM KATANAS out of his arms to fight HUGH while saying nothing, his lips sealed shut in a way that somehow prevents his new healing ability from repairing them.
HUGH JACKMAN
Fucking Deadpool has fucking retractable katanas? How does that even work, they’re twice as long as his arms?!
RYAN kicks HUGH’S ASS, so LIEV rescues him.
LIEV SCHREIBER
Nobody kills you but me, brother.
HUGH JACKMAN
Is that line really all we’re going to do to justify the two of us working together? It’s kind of disturbing to think of a screenwriter actually writing that line and then moving on.
HUGH and LIEV fight RYAN. RYAN unleashes OPTIC BLASTS against LIEV, because apparently he has those too and he has better control over them than the mutant whose DNA he used.
LIEV SCHREIBER
Arrgghh! Somehow your optic blasts don’t even burn my clothing!
HUGH JACKMAN
It’s a good thing the audience doesn’t know we both survive because of first X-Men movie, otherwise this scene would be utterly lacking any suspense!
While RYAN is distracted, HUGH slices his head off and pushes him into a COOLING TOWER.
The SILENT VILLIAN that wields DOUBLE BLADES falls down a large open SHAFT, his body SPLITTING as it falls.
HUGH JACKMAN
Awesome. We’ve managed to rip off the worst of the Star Wars movies now. Are we done yet or are there any more cool X-Men characters this movie wants to ruin?
DANNY shows up with a gun loaded with ADAMANTIUM BULLETS.
HUGH JACKMAN
Adamantium bullets? Maybe you should try an adamantium stake through the heart or adamantium garlic while you’re at it.
DANNY HUSTON
My understanding is also that you can’t see your own reflection in an adamantium mirror.
DANNY shoots HUGH in the head.
HUGH JACKMAN
Oh no, I can’t remember anything!
DANNY HUSTON
Because shooting you in the head destroyed your memories?
HUGH JACKMAN
No, because this is the most unmemorable comic book movie since Catwoman. Who am I? Where am I? What year is it?
DANNY HUSTON
Well, it’s 1979, not that the costuming or set decoration give you any indication that’s the case. Here, have some 2009-era currency.
THE CAMERA zooms into the sky, providing a bird’s eye view of an island that goes out of its way not to actually look like THREE MILE ISLAND.
X-MEN ORIGINS: THAT GUY THAT CAN MAKE LIGHT BULBS TURN ON WITH HIS MIND is rushed into production.
END
OMG, I think I love you. Why haven’t I seen this site before?! Looking forward to a review of Iron Man 2. Plus I’m gonna get my kid to read these posts instead of taking him to the cinema to see these bloody blockbusters, 11 years of it is enough!!! ; )
May 6th, 2009 at 7:17 amHUGH JACKMAN
So let’s see, the leftover Marvel comics characters we got for this movie are a guy with extremely good aim, someone who uses various sharp metal weapons, and a ridiculously fat guy. Did I walk onto the set for Daredevil?
niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!
May 6th, 2009 at 7:28 amThank you for once more saving me nine dollars. Hilarious script, even though I didn’t bother watching the movie.
May 6th, 2009 at 7:38 amHUGH knocks TAYLOR out, which apparently teleports him to the top of a nearby roof so he jumps down and stops HUGH again.
Haha I’m glad I’m not the only one who saw that. Truly a great summary of an ungodly disappointing film.
May 6th, 2009 at 7:51 amAck! Sudo decapitate.
ROTFLMAO!
May 6th, 2009 at 8:19 amSeriously, the sudo bit was perfect hilarity by obscurity.
May 6th, 2009 at 9:25 am“Seeing PETER dead, his knuckles get an ERECTION”
Genius!
May 6th, 2009 at 9:27 amWas I the only one who noticed the kind of subtle attempt to set up a Gambit cameo or something in the second Wolverine film, (should there be such an abortion) by Wolverine giving him his leather jacket and than never retrieving it, thus creating ZOMG CONTINUITY ERRORZZZZ! with the first movie?
May 6th, 2009 at 9:57 amI have so many friends who thought this was a “great movie!” I kind of want to slap them.
As usual, awesome script! This movie was REALLY stupid.
May 6th, 2009 at 10:17 amWow, I’m so glad you mentioned the bone claws turning into sleek adamantium claws, young Logan (or Jimmy, as Victor calls him–like, which one is his real name? and if Jimmy is his name, why go by Logan?) suddenly not being sick anymore (not that they explained how he could be sick in the first place, being as he can self-heal), and the fact that Logan wanted to defend Victor in the Vietnam War even though he’d heal from the bullets! I also thought it was stupid that Logan and Victor are seen as boys in 1845, and then at about age 40 in the Civil War, the two World Wars and the Vietnam War. They had their healing powers the whole time, so why (1) did they age at all and (2) why were they stuck at age 40? That’s what really irritated me. This was a wonderful script. There were so many plot holes and time-space errors in this I hadn’t even realized until now. And the part about Canadians fighting for American wars was just AWESOME. You are super great, Rod. Thank you for this.
May 6th, 2009 at 10:54 amI almost fooled myself into thinking this could be worth seeing… thank god for this script. It sounds like catwoman meets ghostrider.
May 6th, 2009 at 12:16 pmHaha Awesome, great work.
May 6th, 2009 at 12:30 pmHow about the girl who can make you do anything by touching you somehow being forced to work undercover to save her sister from captivity – instead of just touching the General and saying “Let my sister go”
And also, how long did that undercover gig last? Five years? So we are to believe that her sister had been held in captivity since she was 9 or 10 years old? Why’d they wait 5 years? Was he not going to love her enough after just 4 years to go get the procedure done?
GAH!
May 6th, 2009 at 1:00 pmPeolesdru:
Damn, those are both extremely good points that I somehow missed.
May 6th, 2009 at 2:08 pmBy the way, Rod, which after the credits scene did you get? The Weapon XI one or the Bar one?
May 6th, 2009 at 2:32 pmThe bar one. Was kinda hoping for the other one.
Even if “deadpool” is still alive, though, I don’t really see how the spinoff is going to work? Is he going to have those ridiculous retractable katanas?
May 6th, 2009 at 2:34 pmI saws it I dids! Ironically, in order to procure seating for the film, we saw it before we saw the film, as we got in the theater while the credits were playing. It made the whole movie one big build up to that, which made the movie more about Ryan Reynolds than Hugh Jackman to me…so I’m not sure if it was better or worse than..
May 6th, 2009 at 2:41 pmHeh. “Dullverine.” I get it.
May 6th, 2009 at 4:02 pm1) Whoa. Wait. There was a different “bar” chaser in some theaters? Anyone care to summarize it?
2) Regarding Silver Sable or whatever, how about this: 5 years ago, a lonely Wolverine approaches her at a lumberjack bar. She bats her eyes touches his arm and says “Go see General Striker and do whatever he tells you to do”. But like I said, even easier to tell Striker to let her kid sister go directly. And then command him to not eat again until he successfully fellates himself.
May 6th, 2009 at 5:41 pmi thought i was was the only one who thougt John and martha kent when i saw those old people. (so old). I’m like: is this a crossover now? You call this a crossover?
May 6th, 2009 at 6:01 pmI actually saw this movie bootlegged while doing charity. Uh huh. Because of its illegal-ness and all, it didn’t have all the CGI completed, so I got to watch and guffaw at the cartoon lasers and wounds.
God, what a terrible movie.
May 6th, 2009 at 6:11 pmPlease, please, please make an Order of the Phoenix abridged script after the Terminater Salvation one! I beg of you Mr. Hilton. Stop postponing. It’s been going on since August. I have severe butthurt!
May 6th, 2009 at 6:41 pmCanadians did go to Vietnam (still had to be “American soldiers” but still) but I think the main reason they ran away to the States was probably because the Northwest Mounted Police (precursor to the RCMP) would’ve been on their cases but eh, semantics. It was rather frustrating that they tried to throw as many well liked X-Men into the show and not really give them much recognition (Emma Frost anyone?) especially Gambit. A note about him, I think everyone loves him in the comics because he’s not just the coolest, funniest characters around, he also often steals the fire from everyone else, like Cyclops and Wolverine, and from Fox’s perspective, that doesn’t go over well in a movie about WOLVERINE. I think the same can be said about Deadpool, so I think Fox’s money plan is to introduce these characters in stupid ways, in some ways highly contrasting the characters they are based off, and then make Origin movies for them to soak up more money.
May 6th, 2009 at 6:50 pmRod;
Thanks for sticking an adamantium shiv up this stupid movie’s ass!
May 6th, 2009 at 7:45 pmThis script makes it sound pretty terrible, I was literally bored reading it, and not because the script wasn’t funny, it was. The movie just looks so dang boring.
May 6th, 2009 at 9:01 pmI still think that Gambit was always lame. Seriously, cards? You throw cards? You can throw anything cool, like exploding throwing stars, or make WWII jokes with paper airplanes, and you pick cards? Look out, a Queen of Clubs. And he’s got the spandex that wrapped around his head that served no function. And apparently a bowstaff for some reason. Gambit was lame.
May 6th, 2009 at 9:31 pmDude . . . so manys of the thanks. I dunno why I chose this as my first commenting script . . . I loved Dark Knight and, oh yeah, EVERY OTHER ONE I READ.
I saw Wolves last weekend, expecting a low B-, high C+ thing. I wasn’t disappointed–hard to lowball your own estimation, huh? Seriously, the best parts were title sequence (pseudo-kudos to Liev for looking more femininely feline than Halle!), Ryan providing the only genuine laughs, and . . . that was it.
Oh, and seeing Fox totally double-fuck themselves and their “de-aging” magic fgrrr-snarrll-snnppp on Patrick Stewart again, worse (seriously, WORSE?!!) than in Last Stand, along with Hugh’s adamantium pixels.
You are a few kinds of genius, and it is a pleasure to waste time at work clinging to your every lash. Can’t wait for the next one . . . Seth Rogen as the Green Hornet.
(This will actually HAPPEN.)
May 7th, 2009 at 12:00 am“Didn’t we learn enough about how I got the metal claws in the second X-Men movie?” “It wasn’t quite covered in unnecessary excruciating detail.”
I’m reminded of how the Sonic the Hedgehog series decided to make a couple more games delving into the mysteries of Shadow when he already had the most backstory out of anyone.
May 7th, 2009 at 12:30 amI’ve only read the wiki plot line so I knew the film sacked monkey dick. But you’ve removed any doubt out my head that I was having today about actually watching this piece of crap. Thanks for saving me the cash. I’ll use the spare cash to watch the new Trek. Hopefully the suspense will return as they’re suppose to re-write trek history. Too bad they couldn’t re-write marvel history!
May 7th, 2009 at 5:27 am[...] Rod Hilton of the Editing Room published the abridged script of Wolverine. Here’s a snippet. [...]
May 7th, 2009 at 6:01 amfunny, particularly liked the comment about facial hair. I didn’t get why they found the claws so exciting and it looks like cyclops won’t get a movie of his own. I wrote this one just after i watched it would like to know what you think.
http://www.purpleslinky.com/Humor/Satire/X-Men-Origins-Wolverine-First-Draft-Parody-Script.686097
May 7th, 2009 at 6:29 amI liked the movie, but it had a [i]lot[/i] of problems. A decent time waster, still. Absolutely hated what they did with Deadpool, but hopefully his solo project will make up for it. Hopefully.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:21 pmI enjoyed this movie much more than the last one, but there were quite a few points in the plot that made little to no sense. Oh well.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:44 pmAh man, Its good to have you back Rod!
The first thing that hit me when I saw the film was the Meg-Griffin-Bag-lady power. hehe. Seriously Rod… we should be together! (Relax just kidding ;)
May 7th, 2009 at 2:37 pmsudo decapitate
BRILLIANT.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:56 pmThank God you wrote this, man. I hated, hated, hated, hated, hated, hated, hated this movie. And you’ve enumerated, quite eloquently, all the reasons I hated it. Thank you, sir, thank you.
May 7th, 2009 at 10:39 pmThis is a pretty funny abridged script. Thanks for sharing this. Despite my friends saying I should see it, perhaps I’ll hold off and waste my money on T4. :)
May 8th, 2009 at 7:56 am“At long last, the secret behind some leather jacket is finally revealed!”
I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to collapse a lung! Good job as always.
May 8th, 2009 at 9:27 amExcellent work, Rod. I’m almost ashamed to admit that I actually enjoyed this film (I guess I was just relieved that it was better than X3). It’s FULL of cliches! Like characters that switch sides whenever it suits the screenplay, or the kindly couple that takes the lost hero under their wing. Not to mention the plot device of amnesia inducing bullets.
Anyway, I did see JJ Abrams’ Star Trek last night, and thoroughly enjoyed it. I think it will probably turn out to be the best event movie of the summer. But I’d still like to see you have a go at it – you did manage to do one for The Dark Knight, after all. How’s Star Dreck for an alternate title?
May 8th, 2009 at 11:11 amBest script in a while, nicely done. When I heard they turned Deadpool into Baraka from Mortal Kombat was when I decided for sure to give this one a miss.
May 8th, 2009 at 2:57 pm[...] Editing Room takes pot-shots at X-Men Origins: Wolverine with a parody of a script for the [...]
May 8th, 2009 at 5:21 pmFantastic. This read like a laundry list of the gripes I have against this steaming colonic of a film.
His claws in the bathroom scene looked like leftover effects from The Mask.
May 9th, 2009 at 6:03 amI also liked the wax casting of Patrick Stewart that they brought terrifyingly to life.
May 9th, 2009 at 6:18 amGreat job.
Please do Star Trek. I actually thought about this site while watching it.
May 10th, 2009 at 7:54 amAwesome sudo jokes.
I didn’t expect for this film, and then they mentioned Deadpool. And then…that’s not Deadpool.
May 10th, 2009 at 8:44 amDavid, I end up thinking about this site through nearly every film I go see at the cinema. No popular film, no matter how critically acclaimed it is, is safe from Rod’s treatment. Or so it seems…
May 10th, 2009 at 1:30 pmHas anyone mentioned the part where wolverine manages to not only block an optic blast, but also launch it back at deadpool, using only his claws? The writer may have watched one too many dragonball z episodes that day.
Also, if wolverine has amnesia, how does he find his leather jacket and motorcycle again?
May 10th, 2009 at 9:40 pmYOUNG HUGH JACKMAN
Wait, what? Canada wasn’t even a country until 1867. Has Hollywood managed to not discover Wikipedia yet?
I’m sorry… You actually think that starting in 1867 they just injected the piece of land that is Canada with inhabitants and before that no one was there???
Come on man… think about it… THINK before you write.
May 11th, 2009 at 6:46 amSDot: That’s not the point, look at it as if a film set in the then-Yugoslavia was referred to by its present day name of Montenegro or Croatia.
Anyways, great script. I liked the movie though but the whole ending was ridiculously contrived you’d think the script writers got really tired at some point. I read somewhere they’re doing an ‘Origins’ movie about Magneto, it’ll be fun to see Ian McKellen trying to act with latex implants on his face.
May 11th, 2009 at 12:35 pmSDot: Canada, like the United States, had a fairly loose identity before its separation from the British Empire. James Howlett is supposed to have grown up in British Columbia, and in 1845 would have described his home as BC rather than Canada. It would be like saying, “We have nothing to fear from Kaiser Wilhelm here in Belize.”
May 11th, 2009 at 1:20 pmHilarious work again Rod, my god was this movie stupid, I’m so glad you decimated it so (although I would be remiss to say that I didn’t enjoy it).
To Peolesdru , I totally had the same thoughts at the end of the film! Why the hell didn’t Kayla just use her powers to get out of this mess?
Oh and you were wondering about the second “bar chaser”, I believe? Well due to Fox’s understanding that anything they do now will somehow stop piracy of the movie, they made two different endings after the credits that’ll play depending on what print your theater has. The “logical” thinking is that people will go see the movie again in order to see the second ending.
*Spoiler alert* (for those of you who haven’t seen the movie and still care about what happens…what are you doing here?- JK, but if you like, move down a paragraph)
The first ending is the one that Rod made mention to in the comments: Wolverine is in a Japanese bar, where a bartender asks if he’s drinking to forget, and he responds “No, drinking to remember”. If I may take a cue from Rod’s writing style, This is SUPPOSEDLY AWESOME because he’s in OMG JAPAN which sets up A CRAPPY SEQUEL.
The second ending (i dunno if this happens exactly, since I got the bar ending in my screening) has Deadpool pick up his decapitated head, open his stitched up mouth and whisper “shhhhh” to the audience while he walks away, relatively unharmed (kinda like the ending of Freddy vs. Jason if you’ve seen it). Again, this is but a ploy to set up a sequel.
Damn, this comment is far too long.
Do Cloverfield next. ;D
May 11th, 2009 at 9:57 pmThank you Vince for explaining that. I won’t go see Wolverine again, and I had no idea what the barending was. Marvel has put out increasingly ridiculous movies, and it’s really starting to annoy me that DC is kicking their trash.
Rod, I wish you would’ve touched on the Jimmy statements (however, you might not have known). For all the people scratching their heads, the name Jimmy only makes sense if you know that Wolverine’s real name is James Howlett III, a fact someone would only know if they were enough of a fan to read the Marvel Comics Origin story.
I suggest adding:
LIEV SCHREIBER
It’s gonna be ok, Jimmy.
AUDIENCE
Jimmy?! Who the hell is Jimmy?!
FANBOIS
It’s Wolverine….
AUDIENCE
How the hell would we know that?!
FANBOIS
You’d have to read the comics….
AUDIENCE
But I haven’t read the comics! That’s why I’m watching the Movie!
EVERYONE is annoyed now.
Also, on another note, you make reference to Deadpool using Optical Blasts. This is one part of the movie they didn’t completely screw up. Cyclops can’t control his ability because of a helicopter accident that slightly damaged his brain. In theory, his DNA would work just fine. That being said, the movie still sucked.
May 11th, 2009 at 11:40 pm“The second ending (i dunno if this happens exactly, since I got the bar ending in my screening) has Deadpool pick up his decapitated head, open his stitched up mouth and whisper “shhhhh” to the audience while he walks away, relatively unharmed (kinda like the ending of Freddy vs. Jason if you’ve seen it).”
I don’t remember him walking away, only his just starting to climb out of the rubble.
May 12th, 2009 at 2:07 am@Peolesdru–
i thought it was pretty clear that her relationship with wolverine wasn’t an undercover gig, and that she was only coerced into betraying him in that scene where liev claws her car. she probably only found out about her sister being held captive then. but that thing about her not using her powers was stupid.
May 12th, 2009 at 6:05 amDo Koyaaniquatsi next. ;-)
May 12th, 2009 at 1:06 pmSince you’re all bringing up good points about Kayla, I’d like to add: what’s up with her powers not working on Liev? Does regeneration magically prevent you from being mind-controlled? In that case, did she EVER get to mind-control Wolvie?
I also don’t get the adamantium bullets at all. If they went through his skull, then is he going to have two bullets in his brain forever? How did he regenerate the ADAMANTIUM in his forehead?
When Wolverine tells his brother “This changes nothing between us!”… Doesn’t it actually change *everything* between them? His major gripes were 1) Victor killed his girlfriend, and 2) He’s working with Stryker. At the end it turns out that Victor never did kill her and he betrays Stryker, so… Why exactly do we want him dead now?
I know this last one doesn’t have an answer, but what I will never ever understand: why does The Blob, of all mutants, get more screentime than legendary Gambit and Deadpool put together?
May 13th, 2009 at 3:11 amMart, yeah I hear you. The more I think about the film, the worse it gets. I’m just gonna take it at face value as a stupid, dumb, ridiculous action film.
Oh and I agree with Doc Savage, you should totally do Koyaaniquatsi next Rod. That movie has absolutely no plot, images go fast forward for no reason, and there’s all this classical music and stuff. What the hell was up with that film?
May 13th, 2009 at 2:56 pmIf adamantium bullets can perfurate adamantium skelleton, why adamantium katanas couldn’t cut adamantium blades, or vice-versa?
Does Wolverine still have two holes in his adamantium skull?
Now the bit about the young Jimmy being sick and then getting better was explained in the first X-MEN movie: the mutant powers usually start to manifest in the adolescence, sometimes after a emotional stress, like seeing you father (o whom you thought was your father) getting shot.
May 22nd, 2009 at 6:47 am“Also, on another note, you make reference to Deadpool using Optical Blasts. This is one part of the movie they didn’t completely screw up. Cyclops can’t control his ability because of a helicopter accident that slightly damaged his brain. In theory, his DNA would work just fine. That being said, the movie still sucked.”
Didn’t Astonishing X-men reveal that he chose not to control it on a subconscious level because of guilt?
May 29th, 2009 at 12:26 pmThat’s retroactive continuity for you: Don’t change the facts, just change the reasons behind them.
May 30th, 2009 at 10:00 pmROD. PLEASE HURRY. Oh, I just saw Drag Me To Hell. You should do that, only for the sake of making fun of the audience members who have never seen the Evil Dead movies.
June 1st, 2009 at 7:29 pmYou had me at Meg Griffin ;-)
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:52 pmwhy do hugh jackman and liev only grow to certain ages? Why do they get older from being kids in 1845 until the civil war but then never get any older except for some facial hair growing? That really bothered me…shouldn’t, but it did.
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:33 pm“Chainsaw…”
*headless girlfriend bursts into room with missing chainsaw*
June 4th, 2009 at 12:43 amIt’s Koyaanisqatsi. Jesus, don’t you guys know your Hopi?
June 4th, 2009 at 2:33 pmI could have forgiven everything else but Logan not LOSING HIS MEMORY DURING THE OPERATION. That was kinda the whole tension with his story; all he remembers is waking up in the facility, freaking out, and leaving. There were sooooo many things they could have done with that too; Wolverine making deals with people he doesn’t know are his enemies would have been unique and engaging, but no. No, he wanders around like a jackass for 2 hours until the very end, which doesn’t make sense because he remembers the operation in the other movies.
Marvel has clearly adopted the “fuck it, geeks and teen boys will like it anyway so why even try” philosophy.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:00 amHeh heh. I just came back here from the Cracked posting and I realized that the commenters here are not only more civil, but apparently quite a bit brighter than the Cracked commenters. Yes, really. Although Doctorchaos seems to be competing with Kevin Klawitter, and has found a much richer troll-feeding ground.
June 5th, 2009 at 12:49 pmI like when they refer to Rod Hilton as “Cracked” or “the Cracked staff”.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:06 pmThere will never be a troll that is trollier than Kevin Klawitter.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:24 pmDidn’t anyone else notice that they ripped off the ending from Ferris Buellers Day Off? I guess you had to sit through the credits to see that part. Chica chica.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:26 pmMarvel didnt make this, Fox did. That’s why they don’t care what they do, because they know people will pack the seats regardless of what they regurgitate onto the screen. That’s why I didn’t download this or pay to see it. I know it’s be terrible because that’s Fox’s ethos on all their adapted properties:
June 9th, 2009 at 9:38 pmDragonball, Street Fighter. It’s quite sickening. X-Men and X2 were brilliant, X3 and this are stupid. And now they want to do Young X-Men and some how want to shoehorn Wolverine in there…
They give us the secret origin of how Jimmy Logan Wolverine gets his neato bike jacket, and try to link up a ton of crap to X-Men 1, but don’t feel the need to explain how Sabertooth
goes from a talkative crew-cut guy, to a Zakk Wylde looking mute.
I guess Tyler Mane didn’t get enough lines so he opted for the wordy Michael Myers character instead.
I would’ve liked to have seen Brian Cox here, Danny Huston came across like a bad A-Team villain.
June 11th, 2009 at 1:15 pmActually, youre wrong about “I got hit by cyclops blast and my clothes doesnt burn” part.
It shouldnt.
In Marvel Icons: Cyclops 1-4, Cyclops sais in one of the scenes, that most people expect to have its blast work as “warm burining thing” but its just physical force.
He can for example push stuff with it.
June 12th, 2009 at 2:35 pmFunny thing is that he could “burn away” hole in the ground in one of first Xmen issues…
I just realized that Cyclops’ blindfold isn’t made of that ruby quartz shit (like the mysterious sunglasses that need their own fucking Origins movie to fucking explain) so all he would need to do is open his eyes and the blindfold would blast off of his head.
FURTHERMORE the Enterprise wasn’t built on Earth but in orbit around planet Mars and I fail to see how Nero’s insertion into past causing alternate timeline could have changed something as arbitraryyyyyyYBHZGHKGDGGEGDGGGDGD
Forget it.
June 13th, 2009 at 1:26 amtest
June 29th, 2009 at 3:37 pm[...] This post was Twitted by chonchon12 [...]
July 31st, 2009 at 4:57 amLOL, You forgot to mention that James Marsdeen was in both X Men and Superman Returns, i still can't understand why Marvel greenlights these scripts. If they wanted their characters to be shafted they should have sent them to Shawshank and made them drop the soap.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:38 pmI really enjoyed X-men orgins much more than the firt X-men films, fantastic film, really gritty! Also want to give the game a go too!
September 9th, 2009 at 3:07 amGreat story, although I can't believe they didn't say anything about Will.I.Am's brilliant idea of taking on a mutant with SUPER HEALING powers and trying to kill said mutant with… wait for it… .his fists! Yeah, brilliant, huh?
September 10th, 2009 at 11:20 pmPhantom Menace was not the worst Star Wars movie. It was not a good movie, but it was not the worst in the franchise.
September 11th, 2009 at 12:33 amI think the movie is incredibly awesome and this script that u made up is absolutely shit!!
September 25th, 2009 at 8:33 amWATCH YOUR FILTHY MOUTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
October 25th, 2009 at 6:39 pmfunny. But just to let you know according to marvel mythos Cyclops was injured when he was a kid and that injury made it impossible for him to control his optic blast. I think it was something cheesey like having to sky dive out of a plane that was crashing , which also made him and his brother orphans. Ayway really funny stuff keep it up
October 31st, 2009 at 3:08 amJONATHAN KENT
Rather than call the police, I’m going to invite you into my house. That’s how we roll in Canada
thats exactly what we do in canada :P
December 27th, 2009 at 8:05 pmYou know hollywood would save us all so much time if they just started buying all of rods scripts. The writers strike is over right? really?
January 23rd, 2010 at 1:14 pm