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X-Men: First Class

GIANT-SIZED SUMMER SPECIAL #1!

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. WWII CONCENTRATION CAMP

Two NAZI GUARDS bring YOUNG MAGNETO into KEVIN BACON'S NAZI STUDY.

YOUNG MAGNETO

I'm confused. Why did your guards yank me out of my re-enactment of the first scene of 'X-Men'? Are we starting the whole series over from scratch?

NAZI KEVIN BACON

(in cheesy German accent)

Not exactly, Young Magneto. I've brought you here so you can demonstrate your mutant power to me.

YOUNG MAGNETO

No, I won't! Or can't! I'm not quite sure which.

KEVIN NAZI-BACON

(continuing with cheesy accent for remainder of scene)

What if I threaten to... SHOOT YOUR MOM?!?

YOUNG MAGNETO

No, I won't give in to your threats, no matter how heinous!

KEVIN SAUERKRAUT

What if I.... ACTUALLY shoot your Mom?!?

(shoots Magneto's Mom)

YOUNG MAGNETO

Nope.

KEVIN WEINER SCHNITZEL

What if I threaten to do this half-assed Christoph Waltz impression for THE ENTIRE MOVIE?!?

YOUNG MAGNETO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(freaks out)

I MUST LASH OUT AT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IN THIS ROOM EXCEPT THE ONE PERSON WHO IS DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY RAGE!!!!!

(crushes guards' heads, destroys furniture)

KEVIN BRAUTWURST

Excellent demonstration! As a reward I give you this coin, itself also strangely unaffected by your recent magnetic tantrum.

YOUNG MAGNETO

(pause)

...so, what are we pretending happens after this scene? I never once think of taking revenge on you and never remember how to use my magnetic powers again until you're long gone and I'm twenty years older?

KEVIN ANOTHER GERMAN MEAT, OKAY FINE I'VE RUN OUT

Well, I could have just absorbed your magnetism anyway, as we'll see later.

YOUNG MAGNETO

Then why didn't we establish that just now, so I don't look like a complete idiot for not even trying?

KEVIN BACON

(pause)

INT. XAVIER MANSION

YOUNG PROF. X enters the KITCHEN late at night and finds his MOM there.

YOUNG PROF. X

Oh, hello, Mom! Just came down for a mutant snack. I mean, midnight snack! Ah, ha ha.

MOM XAVIER

That's OK, sweetie. Have some hot chocolate.

YOUNG PROF. X

Wait a tick! If Charles Dickens and Harry Potter have taught us anything, it's that all guardians of English children are nasty, horrible people! You're not my real Mom!

MOM XAVIER morphs into YOUNG MYSTIQUE.

YOUNG MYSTIQUE

Phooey, I was hoping you wouldn't find me out.

YOUNG PROF. X

Why not? I'm a mutant too, after all.

YOUNG MYSTIQUE

Well, all the promo material for this film says this is a prequel, and the director himself is on record as saying so. But us being childhood friends would kind of screw all that up royally, continuity-wise, so now I feel like I've ruined everything.

(sighs)

I should go now, before making things worse.

YOUNG PROF. X

Don't say that. If you stay, I'll help you find a way to reconcile the continuity back together again, so that the other X-Men movies will accept us for who we are.

YOUNG MYSTIQUE

Really? I mean, this wouldn't be just "Oh, they never mentioned having met that one time" It's "Oh, they never mentioned growing up together like brother and sister"

YOUNG PROF. X

Yes, I know. It may take us years of fanboyish handwaving, pseudo-scientific gobbledygook, and magical amnesia-inducing adamantium bullets, but I believe we can find a way.

YOUNG MYSTIQUE

Very well, Charles, I'll join you.

(pause)

That's funny, I have a sudden urge to morph into contemporary sex symbol Jane Russell.

YOUNG PROF. X

(removing finger from temple)

Ooh, yes please.

INT. SWISS BANKER'S OFFICE, PRESUMABLY A COUPLE DECADES LATER, THOUGH NOT LIKE ANYTHING LOOKS DIFFERENT REALLY

SWISS BANKER

May I help you, sir?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

You may! I'm travelling the globe tracking down Kevin Bacon. You're the fourth person I will interrogate, so I figure I can't be more than two steps away, at this point.

SWISS BANKER

(thinking aloud)

Well, I was in "The Bank Job" with Jason Statham, and HE was in...

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

No, no! Stay in character, damn you!

(magnetically yanks out Banker's gold tooth)

SWISS BANKER

Yowks! Well, I was meaning to get that changed anyway, it was irritating my gums. In gratitude, here is your next clue.

(hands over clue)

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Thank you. Now don't tell anyone I was here.

SWISS BANKER

Ah, I see, you're letting me live so you remain sympathetic to the audience.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

It seems that way. But in my very next scene I kill two guys mercilessly, so I guess I'm just fickle.

EXT. LAS VEGAS

CIA AGENTS ROSE BYRNE and her SCHMUCK PARTNER are staking out the HELLFIRE CLUB.

ROSE BYRNE

Hm, we've got to figure out a way inside.

SCHMUCK PARTNER

Hey look, a bunch of women wearing nothing but elaborate, sexy underwear are going in.

(pause)

My purpose has been fulfilled.

(vanishes from movie)

ROSE BYRNE

(stripping)

Lucky for me I'm also wearing implausibly elaborate sexy underwear, as I do on all my stakeouts! Off I go!

ROSE gets into the CLUB and manages to SNEAK OFF ALONE.

ROSE BYRNE

Hm, what's through this spyhole?

ROSE sees KEVIN BACON and DIAMOND-ACTION JANUARY JONES along with A BIG SCARY RED DUDE WITH A DEVIL'S TAIL WHO THEN TELEPORTS.

ROSE BYRNE

How unusual. I should go report this, even though nobody will believe me.

(pause)

I'm taking this remarkably well.

INT. GERMAN TAVERN

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Hello, old German guys who used to be Nazis. Tell me where Kevin Bacon is, so I can exact revenge for subjecting me to his godawful impersonation of Christoph Waltz from "Inglourious Basterds"

OLD GERMAN GUY

This coming from Michael Fassbender in the middle of a watered-down version of HIS OWN SCENE from "Inglourious Basterds"?!?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

YOU BOTH DIE NOW!

MICHAEL KILLS both the OLD GERMAN GUYS, which UNLOCKS the FINAL CLUE.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

A-ha, he's on a yacht! And although by definition that could be almost anywhere, I can now pinpoint his location, using... er... magnetism.

EXT. KEVIN BACON'S YACHT

NOT NIGHTCRAWLER appears with GENERAL PLOTDEVICE.

GENERAL PLOTDEVICE

I've set your evil plan in motion, Kevin, as we agreed. Now pay me, or I blow us up with this grenade!

KEVIN BACON

I'd like to see you try. Seriously, I would, we need to demonstrate my powers to the audience. After all, it's not like we passed up a golden opportunity earlier on, no sir.

The GENERAL releases the GRENADE, but KEVIN ABSORBS the EXPLOSION!

KEVIN BACON

You see, I can absorb energy. Also, this power is now one of at least THREE on record that prevent aging. Mark my words, after a few more of these movies everyone's frikkin' power will prevent aging, even the guy whose only power is looking like a bird and OH YEAH, we'll get to him too, just you wait. But to return to my point, this is how I look the same even though it is now 1962.

GENERAL PLOTDEVICE

It is?

KEVIN BACON

Yes. Guess that's supposed to explain why I'm dressed like Christopher Walken as 'The Continental' from Saturday Night Live, a character based on someone from the 1950s.

GENERAL PLOTDEVICE

So wait, are you ALL mutants? What about January Jones?

KEVIN BACON

Her too. Her ability is to suck all life out of any line of dialogue.

JANUARY JONES

also i read minds and turn to diamond

KEVIN BACON

And let's not forget your power to make sexy lingerie look strangely bland. But, back to me! Look what else I can do!

He TOUCHES the GENERAL, who EXPLODES!

ALEX GONZALEZ

Hey, he didn't get to see MY power.

KEVIN BACON

What, you have another power BESIDES sucking uselessly in the background? Please.

EXT. UNIVERSITY

JAMES MCAVOY is wrapping up a PRESENTATION.

JAMES MCAVOY

(concluding)

...fuzzle wuzzle, snoopaloo, president bachmann. Now that I've spent two hours spewing nonsense words, I'm going to mindwipe you all into thinking I just delivered a brilliant lecture. Thank you.

(leaving stage, over thunderous applause)

If anyone has follow-up questions, I'll be at the pub getting totally plastered and using my mental powers to get laid, in order to demonstrate my superior ethical standards that, in turn, allow me to talk down to every single person on Earth.

He goes to the PUB and starts HITTING ON WOMEN, one of whom is ROSE BYRNE.

JAMES MCAVOY

(drunkenly)

Hey baby, do I make you feel horny? 'Sokay, you can just think your answer.

ROSE BYRNE

James, I'm with the CIA. I need you to help me stop an evil mutant group.

JAMES MCAVOY

(instantly sober)

Doctor Evil! I'm all ears.

(pause)

Whoops, I forgot for a moment that I'm not Austin Powers.

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS

JAMES MCAVOY

Welcome, CIA brass. Allow us to present this long, dull slideshow that could easily be the rantings of crazy people.

CIA DIRECTOR

Strangely, we are unconvinced.

JAMES MCAVOY

How about we blow your mind by demonstrating our powers openly!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE morphs into THE CIA DIRECTOR, THE CIA DIRECTOR'S GRANDMOM, and CHTHULU.

CIA DIRECTOR

(mind blown)

...you really should have led with that.

OLIVER PLATT

I'm also impressed. Let me tell you about my X-Division.

JAMES MCAVOY

Wait a minute, did you just try to steal credit for naming the X-Men? That's a seriously dick move, pal.

OLIVER PLATT

Well, it's not like you even have your official codename yet.

JAMES MCAVOY

Grmph! How about, just to remind everyone who's in charge, I go ahead and FREEZE EVERYONE IN THIS ENTIRE CIA COMPLEX WITH MY MIND!!

(to JENNIFER LAWRENCE)

See, I also do that in X2, it's a link.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Oh goody, reintroduce your over-the-top godlike power that we then have to forget about later in order to have any conflict. Like at the end when freezing a whole group of people within a certain area would solve everything.

(sighs)

Let's just help these guys move the plot along, okay?

EXT. DOCKS, AT NIGHT

MICHAEL FASSBENDER YACHTS onto KEVIN BACON'S BARGE. No, wait, he BARGES onto KEVIN BACON'S YACHT. Sorry.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Prepare to receive my vengeance, Kevin! And while you're doing that, I shall first exact revenge on your boat!

MICHAEL uses his MAGNETIC POWERS to lift the ANCHOR AND CHAIN and DESTROY THE LIVING HELL OUT OF KEVIN'S YACHT.

KEVIN BACON

Damn, I should have realized that the metal on my yacht could be used against me. Last time I make THAT mistake. Well, time to escape in our all-metal submarine!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

RAARGH! FOR SOME REASON ALL I CAN DO IS LET YOU DRAG ME UNDERWATER!! I CAN'T EVEN DENT A PROPELLER OR ANYTHING!!

Suddenly JAMES MCAVOY LEAPS into the WATER!

JAMES MCAVOY

(projecting thoughts)

Let go, Michael! You can't let the sub simply drag you across the ocean, you'll drown!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(projecting thoughts)

NO! IT WORKED FOR INDIANA JONES IN 'RAIDERS', IT CAN WORK FOR ME!!

JAMES MCAVOY

(projecting thoughts)

Would you PLEASE stop referencing other, far better movies, and just let go!

MICHAEL LETS GO and JAMES gets him on board the CIA BOAT.

JAMES MCAVOY

Phew! I'm glad you saw reason.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Well, why risk my life when we can just track them with all the CIA equipment and stuff you brought along, right?

ROSE BYRNE

That would be a great idea, except we forgot to turn the sonar on.

(boat runs into giant reef, capsizes)

D'oh!

EXT. CIA HEADQUARTERS

JAMES MCAVOY

I'm glad I found you, Michael. Together you can help me steer this narrative towards the day I envision, when all the X-Men movies can co-exist in peace as one harmonious franchise.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I think you're being naïve, James. Those other movies will always resent the enhanced acting powers of this one, and always find new inconsistencies and contradictions within the series to hold against us. And anyway, why should we go to such lengths to try and fit in with their continuity, what with its toads-struck-by-lightning riddles, entire X-teams quaking helplessly when faced with a wall of water, and whatever the hell that third movie was?

JAMES MCAVOY

What do you suggest instead?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

We could embrace the inherent superiority of this movie, reboot the series and control the whole narrative ourselves! It would be Inglourious!... I mean, glorious!

JAMES MCAVOY

And just wipe out all the events of all the other movies? How can you say that?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

In a voice that in no way evokes that of a young Ian McKellen, THAT'S how!

JAMES MCAVOY

(shakes head)

Michael, I sympathize, but you're confused by having been isolated, running around the world making scenes way more entertaining than anything the rest of us have been doing. Trust me, we CAN make all the X-Men movies work together, and it will be the best for everyone.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

All right, James, we'll try it your way, at least for now.

(pause)

You do realize that given the ages of our characters' actors in "X-Men" we're both at least ten years too old, right?

JAMES MCAVOY

Oh, piss off.

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS

ROSE BYRNE

Welcome, everyone. Allow me to introduce our chief scientist, Nicholas Hoult.

JAMES MCAVOY

Ah, another fellow mutant! How wonderful!

NICHOLAS HOULT

Er, dude, I was trying to keep that a secret. For someone with near-omnipotent mind-reading powers you TOTALLY SUCK at reading a room.

JAMES MCAVOY

(flustered)

Oh, oops.

(slips on banana peel)

Bwaaaghh!!!

(falls into pool)

SPLOOOSH!!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Um, perhaps you can describe to us what you've been working on here at the CIA, Nicholas.

NICHOLAS HOULT

I've been building this device that allows a telepath to locate other mutants, despite the fact that just ten minutes ago I wasn't aware that other mutants, let alone telepaths, even existed.

JAMES MCAVOY

(rushing over)

Splendid! Let me try it right away!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

James, maybe you should towel off before attaching those electrodes to your head...

JAMES MCAVOY

(being electrocuted)

BBZZZYYYYAAAAAAAARRRRGHHH!!!

CUE: FUNKALICIOUS SWINGIN' 60S MUSIC, OR AT LEAST THE CLOSEST FACSIMILE THAT THE SCORE COMPOSER IS CAPABLE OF

EXT. 1960S MONTAGE

JAMES and MICHAEL begin RECRUITING HAPPENIN' MUTANTS in THE SWINGIN' 60S, MAN!

INT. NIGHTCLUB

JAMES MCAVOY

(suggestively)

Hello, sultry nightclub person. My friend here and I would like you to join our group.

ZOE KRAVITZ

Wow, this scene has three-way written ALL over it. Are we still going PG-13, or...?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Huh? No, no, he means our mutant school thing.

ZOE KRAVITZ

Oh, cool. Well, my name is Angel and I can fly.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

So wait, we are rebooting! We've completely changed the Angel character from the original rich whitebread version as glimpsed in X3...

JAMES MCAVOY

No, in the comics there are in fact two characters named Angel who fly, for some reason. All completely prequelicious!

ZOE KRAVITZ

Plus I can hork acid!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Let's just move on.

INT. PUB

JAMES MCAVOY

Pardon me, but-

HUGH JACKMAN

GO FUCKING FUCK YOUR FUCKING SELVES YOU COCKSLURPING MOTHERFUCKING FUCKWADDING CUNTFACE DOUCHEBAG ASSFUCKS!!!!!

(engages in explicit sex, drug use, adult themes)

JAMES MCAVOY

...geez, dude, you were only supposed to swear once, so we could still be PG-13 like all the other movies.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Guess that's fucked all to shit now! Might as well make this a reboot!

JAMES MCAVOY

Hey! Hugh Jackman is possibly the most critical link of all, by which I mean he's the only thing in any of these movies people actually seem to give a damn about.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

So, we're FINALLY doing an X-Men movie that isn't just The Wolverine Show Starring Wolverine, and you want to undo all that?

JAMES MCAVOY

Well, no, but...

(trails off)

They LEAVE. The CAMERA lingers on HUGH JACKMAN for another THREE HOURS so that the AUDIENCE knows WELL AND FOR SURE that YES, THAT REALLY WAS HUGH JACKMAN JUST THEN. REALLY REALLY DOUBLE CROSS OUR HEARTS REALLY.

Finally we...

CUT TO:

INT. THE SAME PUB

HUGH JACKMAN

Yes, it's still really me. Are we done now? I have to go make that fuckawful robot boxing movie.

CUT TO:

INT. HUGH JACKMAN

HUGH JACKMAN

EUGGH!! ENOUGH ALREADY!! DAMMIT!!

CUT TO:

INT. KEVIN'S GROOVY FAR-OUT SUBMARINE, MAN

JANUARY JONES

so kevin what is your plan anyway

KEVIN BACON

(evilly)

Simply put, I plan to start a worldwide nuclear war. The humans that don't die will become mutants, and will gladly accept my rule over the newly-devastated Earth.

JANUARY JONES

are you serious

KEVIN BACON

Yup.

JANUARY JONES

really

KEVIN BACON

Yessir.

JANUARY JONES

huh

(pause)

Okay, time out. TIME FUCKING OUT. I am hereby convening an INTERNATIONAL FUCKING SYMPOSIUM to thoroughly discuss EACH AND EVERY FACET of HOW UTTERLY FUCKING STUPID YOUR PLAN IS.

The MOVIE STOPS so that the SYMPOSIUM can be held.

CUT TO:

INT. INTERNATIONAL SYMPOSIUM ON THE COLOSSAL FUCKING STUPIDITY OF KEVIN'S PLAN

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. AS TONY STARK

(rapping gavel)

Okay, settle down, everyone. I hope you had a nice lunch. Later on I will present my paper, "Why Trading in your Life, Job, Loved Ones, and Entire Society in Exchange for Being Ruled by Kevin Bacon in a Nuclear Wasteland is a Crappy Deal that Would Make Nobody Happy, No Matter How Many New Mutant Powers You Get" But first, here's Dr. Mid-Nite with his dissertation entitled "Why Supervillains Never Have Favourite Restaurants, Clothing Stores, TV Programs, or Anything that Would Make Them Think Twice About Blowing Up the Whole Goddamn Planet"

IOAN GRUFFUDD AS MISTER FANTASTIC

I say, this is even better than last year's conference, "8,000 Ways the X-Men Could Defeat a Wall of Water That Doesn't Involve Anybody Dying Needlessly"

NICOLAS CAGE AS GHOST RIDER

Hear, hear! Or is it 'here, here'? Fuck it, just give me my appearance fee. Take that, back taxes!*

(*This joke started way back in "Jonah Hex: The Abridged Script"! – Affable Al)

FOUR MONTHS LATER, the SYMPOSIUM closes and the MOVIE resumes.

CUT TO:

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS

The NEW MUTANTS... oops, FIRST CLASS... meet.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Well now that we're all here, let's exposit our powers and give ourselves our predetermined codenames.

LUCAS TILL

I am Havok and I can generate powerful energy beams by executing interpretive dance moves. And although in the comics I am Cyclops's brother, now I must be his Dad or something. Which is not unlike making Ron Weasley one of Harry Potter's teachers, but hey.

CALEB JONES

I am Banshee and my power is to shriek really really loud, making me the perfect superhero to render in Dolby Super Surround Sound.

EDI GATHEGI

I call myself Darwin and my power is way overcomplicated. Also I'm black and nobody's ever heard of my character.

LUCAS TILL

Hm. Well, it was nice knowing you, buddy.

JAMES and MICHAEL enter.

JAMES MCAVOY

Greetings, all! You are officially... the First Class. I'm calling you this hoping nobody will notice that in the comics, you are all third-class characters. How are you getting along?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Fine, thanks. However, we just realized the movie is half over and you guys still don't have your codenames yet, so here goes. You are Professor X and you are Magneto. Sorry that was so lame, but the clock is ticking and all.

INT. COUNTRY MANSION SOMEWHERE

JANUARY JONES

i was told there is an evil russian guy here

RADE SERBEDZIJA

Yes, it's me, playing my 623rd evil Russian guy.

JANUARY JONES mind-controls RADE into thinking that they are FUCKING.

RADE SERBEDZIJA

Illusion or no, I still get to shoot a scene grinding against a lingerie-clad January Jones. Oh yeah!

JAMES and MICHAEL burst in!

JAMES MCAVOY

Not so fast, Emma Frost!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Seriously? Emma Frost who we saw as a teenager in the late 1990s in "Sex-Men Oral-jizz: Vulvarine?"

JAMES MCAVOY

(double-takes)

Sorry, what?!?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Oh, wait, that was the porn knockoff. You know, the one that allegedly had Gambit in it.

JAMES MCAVOY

(defensively)

That could have been any blonde mutant named Emma Frost who turns to diamond! And besides, everyone knows diamonds age backwards!

JANUARY JONES

so whenever you're ready guys we can fight

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Gladly! Especially since my magnetism somehow gives the malleable metal of the bedframe the ability to cut diamond!

He TIES UP JANUARY JONES with the BEDFRAME.

JANUARY JONES

oh by the way kevin bacon went to kill all your new recruits lol

JAMES MACAVOY

Dammit!

CUT TO:

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS

JAMES and MICHAEL return to find the place BLOWN TO SHIT.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Thank Claremont you're back! We were attacked and...

JAMES MCAVOY

(cutting her off)

Don't tell me. They killed the black guy, right?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Right. Did you read my mind?

JAMES MCAVOY

No, I've just seen ANY MOVIE EVER. All right, let's figure out what to do next. Since Kevin Bacon tracked you all down and presumably now knows I gathered you here, it seems the safest thing to do is to take everyone to my family home, a giant conspicuous property listed under my name.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

You know, you're not actually all that bright, James. Are you really a super-genius or did you just mentally cheat off the smart kids in school?

JAMES MCAVOY

SHUT UP! Maybe YOU'RE the big stupid person!

INT. XAVIER MANSION

JAMES MCAVOY

Time to mold you all into X-Men. That's "X" as in "Professor X", as in "Me" Fuck that Oliver Platt guy, wherever HE is.

He THROWS CALEB JONES out a WINDOW.

CALEB JONES

NOOO!

(crashes to ground)

JAMES MCAVOY

Eventually, that will work. Now on to you, Lucas. I've had this chest harness built for you that will focus your power into a single beam.

LUCAS TILL

Great, you've turned my power into a Care Bear Stare. Thanks a heap.

INT. NICHOLAS HOULT'S LAB

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Hi, Nicholas. What have you been up to?

NICHOLAS HOULT

I've been obsessively working on inventing some way to hide my mutant feet ever since we arrived, because my super-genius brain has apparently never heard of shoes.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Why would you do that?

NICHOLAS HOULT

Because I think our natural mutant forms... yours included, by the way... are so hideous, putrid, and disgusting they make me want to ass-vomit from all my orifices at once. So, wanna go on a date?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Fuck no!

(runs off)

NICHOLAS HOULT

Oh well. I guess like any decent movie scientist, I'll just skip all testing and verification stages and go directly to injecting myself.

(injects self)

Now to bask in my success.

(begins convulsing, mutating all to hell)

OH FUUUCK MEEEEE........

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

(outisde)

I SAID NO ALREADY!

INT. MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S ROOM

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Finally, a real man. Michael, let's make out.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Maybe when you're older. And by that I mean maybe ten seconds from now.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

How about if I morph into Rebecca Romaine-Lettuce?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

No, you don't need those other movies to make you interesting! You're an Oscar nominee, dammit, you can create proper characters all by yourself.

(waits two seconds)

Okay, ten seconds is up!

(makes out with Jennifer)

INT. HOLDING CELL

TWO GUARDS are guarding JANUARY JONES.

GUARD #1

Don't even try escaping through that flimsy glass panel, January Jones. Us two human guards with no powers would prove far too formidable.

JANUARY JONES

(turning to diamond)

oh look i just cut a hole in the glass

GUARD #2

Dammit! Now you can easily mindzap us and escape!

JANUARY JONES

i guess we can all safely assume that escaping is the next thing i will do then

GUARD #1

It is true! Nothing can prevent your escape now! Noooooo!!

NOBODY MOVES.

GUARD #1

I said, "Nooooooooo!!"..

JANUARY JONES

hold your horses i'm getting around to it

INT. KEVIN'S YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMAREE-INE

KEVIN BACON

Hey, Useless Asshole #2. Drop the shields on the sub's nuclear core so that I can absorb its power.

ALEX GONZALEZ

Okay. So, er, who's Useless Asshole #1?

KEVIN BACON

That's also you. Wanna guess who Useless Asshole #3 is?

ALEX GONZALEZ

....No thanks. So, what are you going to do with this immense reservoir of power you now have?

KEVIN BACON

(pause)

INT. GIANT HANGAR

JAMES MCAVOY

Kevin Bacon is going to use the Cuban Missile Crisis to start a world war, so we should go stop him.

LUCAS TILL

Hey, when did Cookie Monster become an X-Man?

NICHOLAS HOULT

Actually it's me. Foolishly I trusted our makeup department to make me not look like Grover on steroids. Too late now. Anyway, I also scored us a sweet SR-71 Blackbird jet!

ROSE BYRNE

Did those even exist in 1962?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(anachronistically checking online)

And Wikipedia says they were first built in... 1962! Ooh, close one!

They FLY to the CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS.

INT. MILITARY PLANNING ROOM

RAY WISE

Hey! You're James Remar!

JAMES REMAR

Hey! You're Ray Wise!

RAY WISE

Our purpose has been fulfilled.

(vanishes from movie, along with Remar)

EXT. CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS

JAMES MCAVOY

Let's circle the area 200 times while we devise a plan.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

I told you we should have made a plan on the way here instead of playing "Jenga", and incidentally whose brilliant idea was it to use the steel pieces anyway?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Never mind that or who won money betting on it! If that ship over there crosses the boundary line, those two navies will start WWIII!

JAMES MCAVOY

Damn, if only there was some way to stop it.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

It's made of metal, I could try...

JAMES MCAVOY

No, that's not it. Damn, if only there was some way to freeze all the sailors on both sides BUT THERE ISN'T SO DON'T EVEN ASK.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

You see what I mean now, huh.

JAMES MCAVOY

And the ship in question is unmanned, too. Damn, if only there was some way to put people on board who could then stop it. But you'd need people who could fly, or a plane, or something.

NICHOLAS HOULT

(sighs)

How about we do what all superheroes ever always do, which is to pair off against the supervillains in a series of individual skirmishes. Meanwhile you could use your powers just a TEENY WEENSY BIT to accomplish something.

JAMES MCAVOY

Well I suppose I could mindcontrol one Russian guy to blow up the unmanned ship before it hits the boundary line.

(does so)

Now, Michael, it's time for you to lift Kevin's sub completely out of the water, which is clearly far easier than nudging the other ship off course would have been.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(using his magnetism TO THE EXTREME!)

RAAARGH!

CUT TO:

INT. CGI ANIMATION STUDIO

CGI ANIMATOR

(on phone)

Huh? No, hon, I can't pick up Suzie from soccer, I have to finish this CGI sequence for that new X-Men movie. It's still only in draft stage.

(pause)

No, look, I AM committed to making this relationship work, I just...

(pause)

No, it doesn't star Wolverine, but...

(pause)

Fine, I'll go then! YOU can explain to my bosses why this crucial FX sequence looks like a half-assed mockup of a 1980s videogame!

(hangs up, storms out)

CUT TO:

EXT. CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(confused)

What the hell was that?!? Okay, are we fighting Kevin Bacon or the original Duke Nukem?

JAMES MCAVOY

No, no, what we just saw was Kevin Bacon's submarine crashing on that beach over there. Honestly. Now go get him!

AUDIENCE

I can't wait to see when January Jones makes her surprise appearance into this battle, what with her having obviously escaped earlier.

INT. KEVIN'S CRASHED-UP SUBMARINE, LIKE SQUARESVILLE, MAN

MICHAEL FASSBENDER SUBS onto KEVIN'S BARGE. No, wait, he SCHOONERS onto KEVIN'S DINGHY. Okay, hang on...

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Enough! Vengeance will finally be mine!

(does magnetism stuff)

KEVIN BACON

Ha, I absorb that too, only adding to my vast amount of power with which I am certain to do something impressive!

AUDIENCE

It's true, they wouldn't build it up so much without having a pretty good payoff coming up.

KEVIN BACON

Behold as I zap you across the room!

(does so)

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Yeah, well you blew up a guy with the power from just one grenade. Surely you must have more up your sleeve.

KEVIN BACON

(awkwardly)

Of course I do. Um... okay, how about...

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Hey, is that contemporary sex symbol Brigitte Bardot?

KEVIN BACON

Where?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(poking off Kevin's helmet)

Ha-ha! Now you are vulnerable to James's powers!

KEVIN BACON

Ooh, a chance to play the Freeze Game!

(freezes)

JAMES MCAVOY

(mentally)

Well done, Michael. In the comics Sebastian Shaw is a major villain. We can use Kevin Bacon to do all kids of neat continuity stuff.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(putting on helmet)

I'm sorry, but I've realized that linking more closely to those other movies just means more Halle Berry as Storm. I am more convinced than ever that we need our own continuity, and for that reason... oh yeah, and my lifelong quest for revenge... I am going to kill Kevin Bacon, using that tiny coin I've saved from childhood, and that has stayed with me all these years, even while being dragged underwater and everything!

(kills Kevin Bacon with coin)

(pause)

That's odd, killing someone who's full of unspent energy usually causes them to explode or something. Talk about anticlimactic.

EXT. BEACH

ALEX GONZALEZ

Let's see how that Blackbird likes a taste of my Storm-Lite powers!

ALEX'S MINI-WHIRLWINDS cause the BLACKBIRD to CRASH on the BEACH!

ALEX GONZALEZ

Ha! My moment of glory has arrived!

(silence)

...hey, everyone? I actually did something...

He is CRUSHED by a FALLING PIANO.

Meanwhile, JAMES MCAVOY works his way out of the PLANE WRECKAGE and confronts MICHAEL FASSBENDER.

JAMES MCAVOY

(indignantly)

Dammit, Michael, we can't just make up our own storylines! You have to someday turn into Ian McKellen Magneto and continue his war on humanity!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

So your logic is that since the target of my vengeance, who ruined my life, is a fellow mutant, naturally I hate all humans. THAT sure makes a fuckload of sense.

JAMES MCAVOY

Yeah, well now the HUMAN navies have fired a ton of missiles at us! Don't you just hate that?!?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Why? They're just freaked out because none of us ever bothered to explain to anyone in charge what the hell is going on. I can easily stop the missiles...

(does so)

...and then we'll calmly sit down and...

JAMES MCAVOY

(loudly)

NO, MICHAEL! DON'T THROW THE MISSILES BACK AT THEM! THAT WOULD MAKE YOU EVIL LIKE A YOUNG IAN MCKELLEN!!

ROSE BYRNE

(emerging from wreckage)

What? Michael's gone evil? Take that!

(shoots at him)

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Wonder bracelet powers!

(deflects bullet into JAMES)

There, I've deflected a bullet into your spine, paralyzing you, even though TWO other X-Men movies show you walking around at later dates! NOW, will you FINALLY agree to make this a reboot?!?

JAMES MCAVOY

(fighting through pain)

Well, maybe later I get shot again with a magical adamantium amnesia bullet and I forget that I can't walk! Ever think of THAT?!?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(with exasperation)

Christ's sake, James, we just flashed our metaphorical asses through the entire goddamn Cuban Missile Crisis like a Mutant Pride Parade on steroids. You'd think that's the kind of history-altering event that might have been mentioned even ONCE in any of the other movies.

JAMES MCAVOY

(through tears)

EVERYONE ON EARTH GETS SHOT WITH MAGICAL ADAMANTIUM AMNESIA BULLETS!!!

ROSE BYRNE

(softly)

James, I'm not sure how to tell you this, but I'm 32 now... and in X3, set 44-plus years later, I'm played by Olivia Williams, who was 38.

JAMES MCAVOY

Aw, Rose, not you too! Fine, then, I'll just wipe your memory, and reset your mental age to... let's see now, 38 minus 44 is... negative six! Problem solved!

ROSE BYRNE

(in baby voice)

Goo gwah ga? Whad are all the funny peepwle dooding?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Oh, well done, James. If "Superman II" taught us anything, it's that there's no ending more satisfying than when the hero mindrapes the woman he loves.

JAMES MCAVOY

You asshole, that's not what I did at all!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Oh, sorry. I guess I should say you "rebooted" her brain.

JAMES MCAVOY

PREQUELLED!! PRE-FUCKING-QUELLED!!!!!!!!!!!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(sighs)

I think the time has come for us to part ways. Jennifer, will you come with me?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Well, a minute ago you turned my adoptive brother into a paraplegic, but on the other hand, you think I'm pretty. So, okay.

NOT NIGHTCRAWLER TELEPORTS away with MICHAEL and his NEW GANG, leaving the others on the BEACH with the DECIMATED SUB and WRECKED PLANE.

LUCAS TILL

Soooo.... how do we get home now?

NICHOLAS HOULT

Fuck that, I'm still trying to figure out what to do about those two navies that have standing orders to kill us all.

INT. JANUARY JONES'S HOLDING CELL

MICHAEL FASSBENDER strides in with his NEW COSTUME and his GANG.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

January, what are you still doing here? Didn't you escape?

JANUARY JONES

it will all be explained in the upcoming prespinquelboot x-men enemy origins emma frost featuring wolverine

ALEX GONZALEZ

(chuckling)

Don't you mean "Sex-Men: Enema Orgasms..."

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(cutting him off)

Shut up, Chance of Scattered Showers. Anyway, January, come join my Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. And you can call me... Magneto.

JANUARY JONES

that costume makes you look like ian mckellen in that other movie

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Huh? But all my new underlings said it was original and different. In fact they said so many times, all in unison, with a glassy express-

(cuts off; then, with realization)

...fucking McAvoy.

(shaking fist to heavens)

MCAAVOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

END