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X2: X-Men United

X2: X-MEN UNITED

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. ABANDONED RESEARCH BASE NEAR A LAKE... OH, AND IT'S IN CANADA! WHERE THE REST OF THIS MOVIE IS ACTUALLY FILMED

MUTANT HUGH JACKMAN arrives on screen and all of the MEN in the audience realize why their WIVES and GIRLFRIENDS so eagerly agreed to see this film.

HUGH JACKMAN

I have come all the way here to look for clues to unlock my forgotten past, so I had better go inside this abandoned base and look for said clues.

(pause)

Or I could just turn around and go back to Patrick Stewart's mansion without doing one shred of investigative work, making me a total moron.

(pause)

Why do people love my character so much again?

INT. PATRICK STEWART'S MANSION SCHOOL

MUTANT FAMKE JANSSEN's telepathic powers start to go HAYWIRE. Her boyfriend MUTANT JAMES MARSDEN consoles her.

FAMKE JANSSEN

What is happening to me, James?

JAMES MARSDEN

Are you sure it's not just that mutant time of the month?

MUTANT PATRICK STEWART uses his WHEELCHAIR POWERS to appear on screen.

PATRICK STEWART

Listen up team. Mutant Alan Cumming attacked the president so I want Famke and Halle Berry to go track him down.

HALLE BERRY

You mean I'll actually get to do something useful this time besides say notoriously idiotic one-liners?

JAMES MARSDEN

Hey, what happened to your "accent" from the last movie?

HALLE BERRY

I listened to all the whining fanboys and decided not to do it.

JAMES MARSDEN

Too bad making good decisions like that won't be an ongoing trend in your career.

HALLE BERRY

Right back at you.

PATRICK STEWART

Come, James! I want you to take me to see my imprisoned arch nemesis Ian McKellen while Hugh stays here to watch over our mutant students.

JAMES MARSDEN

Thereby insuring our team is spread incredibly thin by the time Brian Cox decides to attack us with his army of mutant-hating thugs?

PATRICK STEWART

Now you're catching on.

INT. IAN MCKELLEN'S PLASTIC JAIL CELL

PATRICK meets with MUTANT IAN MCKELLEN.

IAN MCKELLEN

Patrick! I know you can read minds and all, but I think I should tell you out loud that this is a trap!

PATRICK STEWART

Say what now?

PATRICK is hit with KNOCKOUT GAS! This forces JAMES to fight PRISON GUARDS! But he uses MARTIAL ARTS instead of his LASER EYES!

JAMES MARSDEN

(whilst fighting)

See? I don't have to rely on my mutant powers all the time! I can also kick ass with my fists!

MUTANT KELLY HU arrives and promptly KNOCKS JAMES RIGHT THE FUCK OUT with ONE PUNCH.

KELLY HU

You were saying, James? We can't hear you because you're un-fucking-conscious.

INT. PATRICK STEWART'S MANSION SCHOOL

HUGH bonds with MUTANT SHAWN ASHMORE.

HUGH JACKMAN

So you're dating Anna Paquin, a girl who has the uncontrollable power to kill anyone who touches her?

SHAWN ASHMORE

Pretty much.

HUGH JACKMAN

Good luck with that.

BRIAN COX shows up with SOLDIERS and HELICOPTERS and ATTACKS THE MANSION! BRIAN'S TEAM takes some of the MUTANT KIDS hostage while HUGH brutally and mercilessly KILLS THE SHIT out of the SOLDIERS.

HUGH JACKMAN

(whilst killing)

Now I remember! THIS is why people love my character so much!

(hack/slash, hack/slash)

BRIAN COX

Hugh? Do you remember me?

HUGH JACKMAN

You're Brian Cox so I will assume you're a villain because that's all you play these days.

BRIAN COX

I take it Patrick never told you what happened to your father.

HUGH JACKMAN

Uh, no, he didn't. Why? Do you know something about him?

BRIAN COX

Yes. I... am your father! In a scientific sense, I mean. I gave you your unbreakable claws. Before that they were just badly CGI'd pieces of bone. Really. The CGI in this movie will somehow be better than the CGI in movies that will come out six years from now.

HUGH, SHAWN, ANNA PAQUIN and AARON STANFORD pile into the X-CAR and ESCAPE!

HUGH JACKMAN

We need someplace to hide.

SHAWN ASHMORE

My parents live nearby.

ANNA PAQUIN

Really? Then why have they never visited you at school? Or called you? Or e-mailed you? Or sent you a Christmas card? Is it because you're a mutant?

SHAWN ASHMORE

No, they don't know I'm a mutant.

AARON STANFORD

Jesus, it sounds like your parents did everything in their power to break off all contact with you. You honestly think hiding out at their place is a good idea?

ANNA PAQUIN

He's right. Why not just call one of the other X-Men for help?

HUGH JACKMAN

(tinkering with X-Phone)

Uhhhhhh, it's broken. Or my fingers are too fat to push the buttons. Either way it won't work.

AARON STANFORD

Then let's just pull over at a gas station and use a payphone--

HUGH JACKMAN

No! Every phone in the entire world doesn't work right now! So just shut up, sit back and listen to this shitty N-SYNC song!

SHAWN ASHMORE

What the hell is "N-SYNC"?

HUGH JACKMAN

Music historians will be asking that exact same question for years to come.

INT. SHAWN'S PARENT'S HOUSE

SHAWN ASHMORE

Mom, dad, backstabbing little brother, I just wanted to come out of the closet and tell you all that I'm--

SHAWN'S MOM

A mutant?

SHAWN ASHMORE

Uh, yeah, that's it exactly.

SHAWN'S DAD

(pause)

"Mutant" meaning "gay", right?

DIRECTOR BRYAN SINGER

Whooooooa! Hold the phone! We DO NOT use the "G" word in this film!

HUGH JACKMAN

Because then that would let the audience know "mutant" is really just one big allegory for "gay"?

DIRECTOR BRYAN SINGER

X-actamundo!

MACHO DOUCHEBAG AUDIENCE

Oh, great! Now you've spoiled the movie for us!

THE POLICE suddenly arrive and KNOCK HUGH OUT! This gives AARON the chance to use his FIRE POWERS to BLOW SHIT UP! But ANNA uses her THEFT POWERS to stop him!

ANNA PAQUIN

(whilst stealing Aaron's powers)

See? My character isn't completely useless after all!

SHAWN ASHMORE

This is the only time you'll get to use your powers in the entire movie and its against a fellow teammate? That's how pathetic your character is.

ANNA PAQUIN

Nuh-uh! Later I get to fly the X-Jet at a critical moment and save everyone!

SHAWN ASHMORE

If by "fly" you mean "hover a bit and crash land", then okay, you have a point.

ANNA PAQUIN

Shut up, Shawn!

HALLE and FAMKE arrive in the X-JET along with MUTANT ALAN CUMMING and pick everybody up. But MILITARY FIGHTER PLANES arrive and shoot at them!

HALLE uses her WEATHER POWERS to destroy the FIGHTER PLANES, but MISSILES are still speeding towards the X-JET!

FAMKE JANSSEN

Okay Halle! Time to use your powers to hit those missiles with lightning!

HALLE BERRY

Hit the who with the what now?

A MISSILE hits the X-JET and it is about to CRASH! But IAN MCKELLEN arrives and uses his MAGNETO POWERS to save them.

HALLE BERRY

Ian? What the hell are you doing here?

IAN MCKELLEN

I broke out of my plastic prison by--

FAMKE JANSSEN

Let me guess, you sucked the iron out of a guard's blood and used the metal to escape.

IAN MCKELLEN

Uh, yeah. How'd you know that?

FAMKE JANSSEN

Because I read "X-Men: The Abridged Script". Didn't you?

Meanwhile...

INT. BRIAN COX'S ABANDONED CANADIAN BASE

BRIAN uses a MIND CONTROL DRUG on PATRICK.

BRIAN COX

You see Patrick, my son was gay--- err, a mutant, and I had him lobotomized so now I can use his mind powers to control other gays-- err, mutants.

PATRICK STEWART

And you need me because...?

BRIAN COX

We're going to make you use your psychic powers to kill every mutant in the whole entire world.

PATRICK STEWART

No I won't.

BRIAN COX'S SON

(using his powers)

Yes you will.

PATRICK STEWART

(being mind controlled)

KILL ALL MUTANTS!

The other X-MEN and the X-VILLAINS are UNITED and arrive to fight BRIAN COX'S ARMY and a LOT OF ACTION SHIT HAPPENS.

Then instead of staying UNITED the MUTANTS SPLIT UP because that tactic has worked out SO WELL for them in the past.

INT. INDESTRUCTIBLE CLAW MAKING CHAMBER

HUGH gets his MEMORY BACK. Or maybe he DOESN'T. Or MAYBE HE DOES. Either way, he has to settle for more STUPID FLASHBACKS that DON'T MATCH UP WITH his PREVIOUS STUPID FLASHBACKS.

BRIAN COX

Hello Hugh. Thank you for allowing me to ramble on for several minutes instead of attacking me outright. Oh, and let me introduce you to Kelly Hu. She's just like you, except smarter and better with words. Now I shall make my escape. Ta ta!

HUGH fights KELLY and he eventually STABS HER with his CLAWS!

HUGH JACKMAN

Wait, didn't I do this exact same thing to a woman in the last movie? I'm noticing a disturbing history of violence against women with my character.

Despite being the most BADASS character in the movie, HUGH gets his ASS ROYALLY KICKED by KELLY.

KELLY HU

Hey Hugh, can we stop for a second? I just wanted to tell you that I think you're hot and that we should hook up.

HUGH JACKMAN

Really? Well okay then, I guess we're dating now. But you know what that means, don't you?

KELLY HU

No, what?

HUGH KILLS KELLY!

HUGH JACKMAN

Hugh Jackman's love interest ALWAYS dies.

INT. "KILL ALL MUTANTS" CHAMBER

BRIAN COX'S SON mind controls PATRICK into using his MIND POWERS to slowly KILL ALL MUTANTS. But IAN is IMMUNE and uses his MAGNETO POWERS to stop PATRICK.

IAN MCKELLEN

Change of plans. I just remembered I'm still technically the main bad guy here so I want you to kill all humans instead.

PATRICK STEWART

(being mind controlled)

KILL ALL HUMANS!

(uses mind powers)

All over the world PLANES are falling out of the sky and CARS are CRASHING and SWIMMERS are DROWNING and people who are working HEAVY MACHINERY are causing MILLIONS of DEATHS, but the movie will never mention ANY OF THIS.

HALLE and ALAN are sent in to stop BRIAN COX'S SON.

BRIAN COX'S SON

Halle? Of all people they sent YOU in to stop me? You can't even read your lines and speak in a foreign accent at the same time. AND you lost Isaiah! How can you possibly stop me?

HALLE BERRY

By making it COLD!

HALLE uses her WEATHER POWERS to FREEZE the room and stop BRIAN COX'S SON.

ALAN CUMMING

Wow. Too bad you won't remember how to do this five minutes from now when one of your teammates and closest friends decides to sacrifice herself by letting tons of freezable water fall on her.

The ceiling suddenly starts to COLLAPSE! ALAN teleports HALLE and PATRICK to safety, but LEAVES BRIAN COX'S SON because FUCK THAT GUY.

EXT. ALKALI LAKE (WHICH IS BLOWING THE FUCK UP)

The X-VILLAINS escape while the rest of the X-TEAM get inside the X-JET.

But that's when the LAKE'S DAM BURSTS and a TIDAL WAVE OF DEATH threatens to CRUSH our X-HEROES!

HALLE BERRY

The jet won't work all of a sudden! And neither will my weather powers!

PATRICK STEWART

Shawn, use your ice powers to freeze that water!

SHAWN ASHMORE

I can't! Or don't feel like it! I'm not sure!

PATRICK STEWART

Alan, teleport a mechanic here to fix the jet! Or better yet, why not just teleport us all to safety?

ALAN CUMMING

I can't! For some reason!

PATRICK STEWART

Okay, Anna, steal Shawn or Halle's powers and freeze that goddamn water!

ANNA PAQUIN

I can't! We're doomed!

PATRICK STEWART

(sigh)

Then I guess it really is up to Famke to kill herself in order to save us.

FAMKE JANSSEN

(outside the jet)

Already on it! Oh and Patrick, mind if I take control of your body so I can say goodbye to my boyfriend?

PATRICK STEWART

Of course I don't mind, Famke. I wish you had taken control of my body more often!

FAMKE uses her FIRE-EYES POWERS to hold off the TIDAL WAVE OF DEATH and somehow gets the X-JET to work too.

HUGH JACKMAN

Hey Famke, the jet's working again, so yeah, you can get back in now.

FAMKE JANSSEN

No! I have to sacrifice myself!

HUGH JACKMAN

Uh, no, not really. If you have the power to start the jet and stop the tidal wave you should have the power to walk up some stairs.

FAMKE JANSSEN

Hugh, there's something terrible I have to tell you... I'm technically your love interest.

HUGH JACKMAN

Oh no! But that means--

FAMKE JANSSEN

I MUST DIE!

THE TIDAL WAVE OF DEATH KILLS FAMKE!

OR DOES IT?

END