X-Men: The Last Stand: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Jun 18th, 2006 |
22 Comments
| Movie: 
FADE IN:
EXT. SUBURBS – 20 YEARS AGO
YOUNG PATRICK STEWART and YOUNG IAN MCKELLEN enter the home of YOUNG FAMKE JANSSEN.
YOUNG PATRICK STEWART
I’m really surprised they bothered to use digital effects to make us look younger rather than just hire younger actors that look like us.
YOUNG IAN MCKELLEN
What’s even more surprising is that they apparently did it without watching movies we were in 20 years ago. You’d think it’d be easier to make you look like Picard than it is to make you look like an alien.
YOUNG PATRICK STEWART
At least I don’t look like a transvestite.
YOUNG FAMKE JANSSEN
I am a very strong mutant.
She proves this by lifting cars in the neighborhood, which apparently is something the residents are used to.
INT. PROFESSOR PATRICK STEWART’S SCHOOL
PATRICK is giving a lecture about ethics.
PATRICK STEWART
…as I was saying, would it be ethical for me, as a telepath, to insert my mind into the body of a person in a persistent vegetative state if I were to, say, be killed by a super strong mutant that lifts cars?
STUDENT
What a completely random question that absolutely isn’t being asked so that it can be used later on in the film.
Suddenly, KELSEY GRAMMAR enters.
KELSEY GRAMMAR
Patrick! There is a “cure” for being a mutant!
HALLE BERRY
A cure? But there’s nothing wrong with us!
KELSEY GRAMMAR
…
HALLE BERRY
I mean, unless you count being covered in bright blue fur, being unable to touch someone, or having mental powers so uncontrollable that you are a danger to the entire world.
KELSEY GRAMMAR
What the hell do you do, again?
HALLE BERRY
My mutant power is being able to manipulate people into giving me the lead in this movie despite being a shockingly bad actress.
PATRICK STEWART
In any case, this cure could lead to a giant mutant war. Not so giant that it involves any of the interesting characters from the X-Men comic books, but definitely giant enough for a small handful.
Meanwhile…
HUGH JACKMAN confronts JAMES MARSDEN.
HUGH JACKMAN
Hey man, what’s your problem?
JAMES MARSDEN
Look at me! I’m stubbly! It’s one full day since I’ve shaved! I’m a fucking wreck.
HUGH JACKMAN
Look, I know you’re having a tough time with the loss of Famke…
JAMES MARSDEN
What? No, I’m pissed off because Halle Berry managed to negotiate her way into being the team leader instead of me. Halle Berry, man. Fucking Catwoman.
JAMES speeds away on his bike.
Meanwhile…
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR
A bunch of mutants are gathered around, arguing about the cure. IAN MCKELLEN and his henchman AARON STANFORD enter.
IAN MCKELLEN
They’re going to use the cure on us and remove our powers! Then you’d be able to come out of hiding, how much would that suck?
DIANA RAMIREZ and KEN LEUNG approach.
DIANA RAMIREZ
I’d join your group, but I saw what you supposedly looked like 20 years ago and couldn’t stop laughing.
AARON STANFORD
(lights a fireball)
Do you know who you’re talking to?
KEN LEUNG
(spikes protrude from face)
Do you?
AARON STANFORD
Er, wait. I just made fire in my hands. Did you really just try to intimidate me by turning into a porcupine?
KEN LEUNG
Don’t fuck with me, or I’ll trick you into giving me a hug and then kill you.
DIANA RAMIREZ
I can detect other mutants and their powers.
IAN MCKELLEN
How convenient to the plot. You’re hired. Let’s go pick up some more mutants, since both of your powers are basically shit.
They pick up REBECCA ROMIJN, VINNIE JONES, and ERIC DANE.
IAN MCKELLEN
Welcome back, Rebecca. So what are everyone’s powers?
VINNIE JONES
I’m big. And dumb. And I wear a stupid-looking helmet, just like you.
ERIC DANE
I can make copies of myself.
REBECCA ROMIJN
Juggernaut and Multiple Man? Wow, we’re really scraping the bottom of the fucking comic book barrel here.
IAN MCKELLEN
Oh well, I’m sure the writers will figure out a way to awkwardly shoehorn in a use for your powers.
Suddenly, REBECCA is shot with a CURE BULLET. She turns into a regular human
IAN MCKELLEN
Oh. Well, fuck you then, human.
AARON STANFORD
Seriously? That’s pretty dick. You sure that won’t come bite you later?
IAN MCKELLEN
What can she possibly do? She’s only been my most trusted confidant and sidekick for the entire series, making her privy to a wealth of information on how I think and what my plans are.
They also recruit FAMKE JANSSEN, who has killed the shit out of JAMES and PATRICK.
INT. PROFESSOR PATRICK STEWART’S SCHOOL
Everyone sees on TV that IAN and his group are heading to ALCATRAZ in order to destroy the cure.
KELSEY GRAMMAR
We have to stop him, even though we basically want the cure destroyed too.
HALLE BERRY
Well with Patrick and James gone, I guess I’m the leader. Let’s suit up and save the day!
HUGH JACKMAN
I can’t believe we’re being led by the woman whose best quip was that a toad dies when it gets struck by lightning.
HALLE BERRY
Alright, everyone! Mutant roll call!
KELSEY GRAMMAR
Beast, with the power of being strong! Also acrobatics skill that I won’t use in the movie.
DANIEL CUDMORE
Colossus, also with the power of being strong!
SHAWN ASHMORE
Iceman, with power to make things cold.
ELLEN PAGE
And me, Shadowcat, with power to walk through things. I’m basically a lamer version of Nightcrawler, who isn’t in the movie for some reason.
HUGH JACKMAN
This is it? This is the big team for the climax of the movie? Why the hell did we even bother making this thing?
EXT. ALCATRAZ
There is a long battle. IAN MCKELLEN throws cars at people and AARON lights them on fire.
AARON STANFORD
Couldn’t you just use the metal in the cars as bullets like you did in the last movie? What’s the point of me lighting them on fire?
IAN MCKELLEN
Well, what’s the point in bothering with any of this when Famke can just destroy everyone with her mind?
AARON STANFORD
Um.. To needlessly pad the scene with superfluous action in order to compensate for the lackluster script?
IAN MCKELLEN
Attaboy.
They FIGHT more. Eventually, most of the new characters are killed and IAN is “cured”. FAMKE goes fucking BATSHIT CRAZY on everything.
HUGH JACKMAN
The only way to stop you from killing everyone is to kill you, Famke!
FAMKE JENSEEN
Well, you could throw the cure mutant kid at me.
KELSEY GRAMMAR
Or we could have saved a few of the cure vials for Famke, rather than stick all four of them in Ian for no reason.
HUGH JACKMAN
Nope, it’s definitely the thing where I kill her.
He DOES.
INT. PROFESSOR PATRICK STEWART’S SCHOOL
There is a funeral for FAMKE.
HUGH JACKMAN
So, James and Famke are dead, Anna Paquin is cured, Nightcrawler is absent, Ian McKellen is cured, Rebecca Romijn is gone, most of the memorable villains have been killed, and the X-Men are being led by the star of Gothika.
HALLE BERRY
Yep. I can’t wait to see how great the fourth movie is!
END
I will still never, ever forgive Brett fucking Ratner for this horrible mess of a movie. I kept expecting Chris Tucker to show up at some point.
I would totally bake you (virtual) cookies if you could do the script for X2 — come on, think of the endless number of Cabaret jokes you could make with Nightcrawler! Do it, doooo eeeet!
October 1st, 2007 at 8:43 pmI’ve got some additions:
VINNIE JONES says a line that was inspired by a running joke on the Internet. The AUDIENCE laughs derisively at how FUCKING LAME it is.
DIRECTOR BRETT RATNER: I don’t understand! A bunch of losers who spend all their lives surfing the Internet thought that line was hilarious!
Also:
IAN MCKELLAN: Hugh, the metal in your body pretty much makes you my bitch. Having demonstrated that I can kill you with no effort, I’m going to let you go. I’m sure you won’t go back to the X-Men and tell them all my plans so they can try to stop me.
Okay, one more:
JAMES MARSDEN: Thank God they wrote me out of these stupid X-Men movies. Now I can be cast in the Superman movies in exactly the same role.
October 3rd, 2007 at 8:44 amHey those aren’t bad A-Killa.
I would LOVE to see an abridged X2. It’s one of my favorite films, but that’s not to say I don’t want to see it mercilessly derided.
October 25th, 2007 at 1:59 amThanks Billy. I’ll add my vote for abridged X2 (which I thought was very good) and also vote for abridged Superman Returns (which I thought was awful).
November 7th, 2007 at 9:47 amA-Killa,
I also absolutely hated Superman Returns. I’ve been wanting to abridge it for a while, but it’s hard to convey how awful it is in written text, especially considering that so many people seemed to like it.
It’s just an awful, awful, awful movie. It’s worse than most awful movies, because it aims to be and deserves to be so much more. I watched it a second time with my inlaws (they had never seen it), and it only solidified my opinion that it’s complete garbage. They all loved it though. I don’t get it.
November 9th, 2007 at 8:40 amSuperman was just a nothing movie. It wasn’t good, nor was it over-the-top bad like X-Men 3. It was dull and completely unmemorable. Not even Kevin Spacey, playing a campy Lex Luthor, could save it.
November 28th, 2007 at 6:40 amYou neglected to mention the hordes of evil mutants whose special powers consisted of ‘run forward and get shot’. I believe they were led by ‘Cannon Fodder’.
Also the insane number of people with truly ridiculous hair.
May 26th, 2008 at 6:40 pmHALLE BERRY
My mutant power is being able to manipulate people into giving me the lead in this movie despite being a shockingly bad actress.
A-fucking-men
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:10 pmummmm…u forgot about rogue. this thing sucked just cause of that. way to pay attention to detail
December 8th, 2008 at 12:33 amWhen I saw X3 I was initially going to be irrationally mad at Brett Ratner, but then I realized that it is BRYAN SINGER that the scorned fans should be angry with.
(IMO) X-Men 1? Good for the first movie, X2 a steady follow-up.
Then Singer up and leaves Ratner to make X3 just so he can make Superman Returns. And look just how good that that turned out!
Bryan Singer….sigh.
December 26th, 2008 at 4:27 pmSuggested line to sum up Anna Paquin’s contribution to the movie
ANNA PAQUIN:
January 11th, 2009 at 4:39 am[angstily] Oh woe. Even though I’ve been taken in by this school for mutants, which is not at all like a creepy cult, and now seem well adjusted and less jumpy then in the first two films I’m still reeeaaally angsty. My powers suck cock. Instead of being groovy but mildly inconvenient like in the comics and TV series, they just mean I can’t touch anyone especially my boyfriend. The fact that I couldn’t touch him anyway because this movie is rated ‘12′ is beside the point. I’m going to go get the cure even though it will mean having to leave the one place that accepts me. I’m sure my brave struggle with ethics and personal demons will advance the plot. It won’t? Oh well. Tum tee tum tum tum…
SHE IS NEVER SEEN AGAIN. ICEMAN IS RELIEVED.
Magneto was DEMAGNETIZED! And what about that Arclight… THING? Whose powers were sexual ambiguity and clapping?
January 11th, 2009 at 7:45 amOut of all the abridged scripts I’ve read so far, (a TON) this one has the best closing line out of any of them….. Oh… and the rest was pretty good too. Well done!
January 22nd, 2009 at 12:05 amYou forgot to mention the way the scene where Famke dies is a carbon copy of the scene in Van Helsing where Kate Beckinsale dies – couldn’t stop laughing when I saw this film and noticed that. Great script.
March 13th, 2009 at 6:30 amI love how Wolverine was too much of a wuss to bang Jean but had no problem killing her in the end. Moral of the story: sex = bad, killing = ok!
May 4th, 2009 at 3:06 pmMAGNETO: Oh. Well then, fuck you humans
Cracks me up
May 9th, 2009 at 8:47 amX3, how to take two pretty good super hero movies and completely destroy them! :D Well, for me anyway.
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:21 pmNot to be a grammar nazi but the name is Kelsey Grammer, not Grammar.
Funny script, though.
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:54 amspot on
September 14th, 2009 at 4:01 amThis movie would have been a helluva lot better if they gave Rogue her badass Miss Marvel powers istead of making her wangst about how she can't kiss her boyfriend. And what was Angel's purpose?
November 25th, 2009 at 7:32 pmIt's a bit hard to know if something stinks before you watch it.
February 23rd, 2010 at 11:40 amlolAARON STANFORD
Um.. To needlessly pad the scene with superfluous action in order to compensate for the lackluster script?
IAN MCKELLEN
Attaboy.
May 5th, 2010 at 9:28 pm