Watchmen: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Apr 14th, 2009 |
89 Comments
| Movie: 
Rorschach proactively installs a rotisserie spit in Alan Moore's future grave.
FADE IN:
INT. JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN’S APARTMENT
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN watches his television, which is broadcasting what appears to be a SHITTY SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKETCH featuring impersonations of PAT BUCHANAN, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, and RICHARD NIXON IF HE WAS MADE ENTIRELY OF MAKEUP.
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN
Gosh, things sure have been an alternate 1985 ever since superheroes helped win the Vietnam War and Nixon was re-elected three times!
Suddenly, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE breaks into the apartment, pummels JEFFREY, and forces himself to not utter a single sound so as to not give his identity away, despite the fact that JEFFREY seems to know it.
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN
Wait! Don’t kill me! I need to bleed onto my yellow smiley face button at an awkward angle so that the raging Watchmen fanbois in the audience are placated.
(bleeds)
Okay, ready.
RABID FANBOIS
Boo. The blood splatter is four degrees off.
The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE tosses JEFFREY out a window. This is done in SLOW MOTION, of course, because DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER has the BRAIN OF A CHIMP.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY, wearing a mask made of AMAZON KINDLE ELECTRONIC INK, investigates JEFFREY’S APARTMENT and discovers he was the masked vigilante THE COMEDIAN.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY (V.O.)
(growling)
Jackie’s Journal: A comedian died tonight. And I’m not talking about a Carlos Mencia performance. Someone is going around killing masked heroes, and I’m going to find out who sometime within the next three excruciating hours. Hope everyone went to the bathroom already.
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR
JACKIE meets up with PATRICK WILSON in his secret hideout.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Patrick, someone is killing superheros, so you should watch your back.
PATRICK WILSON
Any particular reason you’re whispering as loudly as possible?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
I just finished watching The Dark Knight. This is how superheroes talk, isn’t it?
PATRICK WILSON
Fair enough. I pretty much stole my costume from that movie. Anyway, you don’t have to worry about the superhero killer coming after me. I haven’t worn my superhero costume since masked vigilantism was outlawed in the totally alternate 1970’s! Everything is so alternate here!
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
I know! And New Coke was never released after Pepsi got the superhero endorsement!
PATRICK WILSON
Ohmigod so alternate!
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Not to mention how Microsoft skipped over Windows 1.0 and went straight to Windows ME!
PATRICK WILSON
My mind is blown, holy shit alternate reality!
INT. RESEARCH FACILITY
JACKIE breaks into a MILITARY RESEARCH FACILITY to meet with BILLY CRUDUP and MALIN AKERMAN.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Hey. Nice to see you again, fellow superheroes.
MALIN AKERMAN
Fellow superheroes? The only one of us with any goddamn powers is Billy.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
That’s not true. My mask changes patterns randomly for some reason, that’s kind of like a power. And what about your power to still have a career after starring in The Heartbreak Kid?
BILLY CRUDUP
Enough chit-chat. I have very important work to do with this nuclear something-or-other. What do you want, Jackie?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Honestly, there’s nothing in the world I want more than for you to drape something over that big blue glowing penis of yours.
BILLY CRUDUP
If only you could perceive my big blue penis in four dimensions, as I do.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Yeah, that actually sounds like some kind of hell. Anyway, I came by to find out if you had any idea who was murdering Watchmen.
BILLY CRUDUP
Isn’t it obvious? Zack Snyder.
JACKIE leaves to go do some brooding elsewhere while MALIN visits her mother, CARLA GUGINO.
INT. CARLA GUGINO’S HOUSE
MALIN is teleported to her MOTHER’S HOUSE.
MALIN AKERMAN
Mom, I came here to tell you that Jeffery Dean Morgan is dead.
CARLA GUGINO
Mom? We’re like the same age. My “old person makeup” looks worse than Adam Sandler’s from Click. Are people buying this?
MALIN AKERMAN
Did you hear me? That asshole The Comedian is dead. The guy that raped you! That’s right, RAPED! In a comic book movie! Because the one thing missing from Spiderman was some FUCKING RAPE.
CARLA GUGINO
He wasn’t so bad. He only raped me because it was such a simple way to establish that this comic book story is for adults.
MALIN AKERMAN
Mom, there’s no such thing as comics for adults. There are just comics for kids and comics for kids that they have to hide from their parents because they contain drawings of boobs.
Meanwhile, various SUPERHEROES attend the funeral of JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN and treat the audience to a handful of flashbacks including MATTHEW GOODE’s formation of the WATCHMEN, society’s revolt against vigilantism, and this one time in Vietnam where JEFFREY was replaced by ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
INT. RESEARCH FACILITY
Later, BILLY CRUDUP, BILLY CRUDUP, and BILLY CRUDUP are all having sex with MALIN AKERMAN. Suddenly, she stops him.
MALIN AKERMAN
What the… why are there three versions of you having sex with me?
BILLY CRUDUP
What? I thought you had a fantasy of being gangbanged by the Blue Man Group.
MALIN AKERMAN
Well, of course I do, but still… that was easily the third strangest group sex I’ve ever had.
MALIN notices another copy of BILLY working on his nuclear THINGAMAJIG.
MALIN AKERMAN
What the fuck? You’re working in here too? Why did you even say you wanted to have sex if you would have rather worked?
BILLY CRUDUP
It’s not like that, Malin. I definitely needed to get laid. After all… I’ve got blue balls.
MALIN AKERMAN
…
BILLY CRUDUP
Hey-oooo!
MALIN AKERMAN
Ugh. I’m leaving you, Billy.
BILLY CRUDUP
Please don’t dump me, Malin. It would make me so… blue. Eh? Eh?
MALIN leaves to go see PATRICK WILSON. Upset, BILLY teleports himself to MARS and builds a GIGANTIC QUMRRLFPSKLZNT to WALK AROUND ON.
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR
JACKIE EARLE HALEY returns to PATRICK WILSON’S LAIR.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
I think I’ve figured out who killed Jeffrey.
PATRICK WILSON
Oh? Let me guess. It would have to be one of the main superheroes to have any impact. He didn’t glow blue, he was too tall to be Malin, and it couldn’t have been either of us. Must be that douchebag Matthew Goode. That was easy, did that take you the entire movie?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
… God dammit. Jackie’s Journal: Patrick Wilson is a dick.
JACKIE and PATRICK fly to MATTHEW GOODE’S FORTRESS OF SMARMITUDE using a SHIP SHAPED LIKE E.T.’S HEAD.
INT. MATTHEW GOODE’S HIDEOUT
JACKIE and PATRICK enter MATTHEW’S HIDEOUT.
MATTHEW GOODE
Welcome to my fortress, fellow do-gooders!
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Cut the crap, Matthew. We know you killed Jeffrey Dean Morgan.
MATTHEW GOODE
But of course! Would you like me to explain why as I stroke my tigercatrabbit?
PATRICK WILSON
Er, actually, yeah, are you going to explain that thing at all?
MATTHEW GOODE
Who, Mr. Meowkins? He’s my pet.
PATRICK WILSON
Right. I figured that. But it’s kind of distracting, don’t you think you should at least explain–
MATTHEW GOODE
My evil plot? Certainly! You see, people are heading toward nuclear annihilation. What I’m doing is detonating energy bombs all over the world, which will look like the work of Billy Crudup. Then, rather than destroy each other, all of the nations of the world will unite after this tragedy, ushering in an era of world peace that will probably last five or six years.
PATRICK WILSON
You mean to tell me that you believe that if people thought that Billy Crudup, the very tool by which the United States exercised it’s power over other nations, were responsible for destroying cities all over the world, that the world’s response would be to join hands with us rather than unite to kill us for creating the problem that led to their demise?
MATTHEW GOODE
Ummm…
PATRICK WILSON
And you’re supposedly “the smartest man alive.” Smarter than the guy that can see time.
MATTHEW GOODE
Look, it’s better than the thing with the squid.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Alright, you know what time it is?
MATTHEW GOODE
One minute to midnight on the cheesy doomsday clock symbol?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
No, time for a slow motion fight scene!
They all FIGHT in SLLLOOOOOOOWWWW MOOOTTTIIOONNN. THENSUDDENLYFASTMOTION! Then SLOOOOOOOOWWWWWW MOOOOTTIIIIOOONNNN AAAGGGAAIIIINNNN.
PATRICK WILSON
Can we hurry this along? I’m getting really sweaty in this thing and my costume is starting to smell like baked asshair.
Suddenly, BILLY and MALIN teleport onto the scene.
MATTHEW GOODE
Ah, Billy, glad you could join us. I was just telling the rest of the gang about how I’m framing you for murdering thousands.
BILLY CRUDUP
It doesn’t matter. Humans have the same number of particles whether living or dead.
MATTHEW GOODE
What? That’s not accurate at all. Think about that for a second. That’s like saying humans consist of the same number of particles whether full or starving.
BILLY CRUDUP
Either way, I don’t value human life, so do whatever you want.
(pause)
Actually, I value human life now. I can’t let you destroy so many lives.
(pause)
Upon further reflection, I value life, but I’m not going to stop your plan. I’ll just teleport out of here and go create some life myself.
(teleports)
*** GOD was telefragged by BILLY CRUDUP ***
CITIES all across the world are VAPORIZED. It’s DEPRESSING, just like the COMIC BOOK. The movie tries to end on a high note, but FAILS.
ZACK SNYDER
I did it! Alan Moore said Watchmen was “inherently unfilmable” but I pulled it off! Not so bad, was it Alan Moore?
ALAN MOORE
Film is an inferior form of art, spoon-feeding audience goers and watering down our collective cultural imagination. This movie was garbage, as are all movies.
ZACK SNYDER
Dude. You write comic books. Stop acting like you’re fucking Monet, you pretentious jackass.
The RABID FANBOIS leave the theater and NOBODY ELSE WATCHES THE MOVIE.
END
I actually enjoyed Watchmen and thought it was a decent film version of the comic book, but you’re dead right about the slowmo/speed up action sequences. They were infuriating. Also, Alan Moore can write amazing comics but he seems like a total douche.
April 14th, 2009 at 11:04 pmRod, one of your best. I laughed my ass off reading this. I hated the movie anyways, so this made me hate it even more. Keep it up. I love reading these.
April 14th, 2009 at 11:04 pmAs one of those Watchmen fanboys I find this really amusing. Well done Rod.
April 14th, 2009 at 11:17 pmExcellent script. So many zingers and reaffirmations of my thoughts on the movie. Nothing feels better than being validated by some stranger on the internet.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:16 amThat was awesome. Alternate reality awesome! I couldn’t get over how much Nixon looked like a MAD magazine caricature. They should have downplayed his role a shitload.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:25 amYOURE THE MAN NOW DOG
April 15th, 2009 at 12:51 ami wanted to like the film. gotta give Snyder credit for trying.
can’t help thinking now how some dialogue like “If only you could my big blue penis in four dimensions, as I do” could have enlivened things.
you the man, Rod.
April 15th, 2009 at 2:10 amIt was deffinately worth the wait. Great script. Actual Alan Moore quote at the end was a nice touch.
April 15th, 2009 at 3:12 am[...] Mr Hilton at The Editing Room has just put up an abridged script for Watchmen. [...]
April 15th, 2009 at 4:06 amIf anything this was too short, Rod! Nothing to say on the ‘Hallelujah’ scene? Great stuff again though, as always.
April 15th, 2009 at 4:09 amI dunno, that wasn’t that funny. There was a lot of stuff you could have made fun of that you didn’t, it’s kind of like you saw the movie once the weekend it came out, then tried to write the script now and totally forgot what happened in the middle of the movie. No prison scene, no awkward non-sex, no awkward actual sex, no JDM is Malin’s dad, no conversation on mars…. and it’s not like I’m listing small scenes or anything. So, meh, totally not your best. Generally your work is pretty decent and entertaining, this just seemed totally phoned in.
April 15th, 2009 at 4:49 amYou forgot the title seqeuence!
“The main characters are shown being the causes of, and solutions to, all the major events in world history from 1940 to 1985″
April 15th, 2009 at 5:19 am“Honestly, there’s nothing in the world I want more than for you to drape something over that big blue glowing penis of yours.”
Rod, you are a genius.
April 15th, 2009 at 5:41 amAlready a few comments have mentioned me “forgetting” things in the script, particularly the prison scene. Just wanted to address this really quickly.
I didn’t FORGET anything. The script is “Abridged” so I have to leave things out, and nearly everything that I left out was left out for a reason.
In particular, I left the prison scene out because I wanted to point out that it had nothing at all to do with the plot of the movie. I don’t really feel like getting into how the comic book is character-driven and the movie is story-driven, and Rorschach’s backstory only works in a chracter-driven piece, but I will say, yeah, I left that shit out intentionally, and not because I’m a stupid dumbass who can’t remember the most memorable scenes in a movie.
April 15th, 2009 at 6:38 amIt shows when you like a movie; the scripts are weaker, and this one is no exception (There has been such an avalanche of blue penis jokes around the net that I was kind of hoping you wouldn’t have to resort to that too…). But I liked the movie too, so that’s OK. And I agree (as do so many people) that changing the ending to make Doc M look responsible doesn’t make much sense. I was worried that the squid wouldn’t translate well to film, and hoping they would come up with something else, but the replacemente is a worse idea.
April 15th, 2009 at 6:53 amIt’s true, Jeffrey Dean Morgan in Vietnam looked a LOT like Roberty Downey Jr.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:41 am…do Cloverfield next!
hahahahahaha!!!
*runs and hides*
April 15th, 2009 at 7:43 amAnother great script Rod!
The missing prison scene is no big deal, although it would’ve been funny to see your take on Danny Woodburn from Seinfeld as a villain.
Random thoughts I had on the movie:
I could’ve done without the slow reveal shot that went through Dr M’s ass-crack when he was meditating on Mars. I understand why his character was naked, but they didn’t need to show it every 12 seconds. Call me crazy, but I think there should be a limit to how much male penis & ass should be shown in comic book super hero movies.
While the music may have been good back in 1985, in 2008 it comes across as very cliched. Richard Roeper wrote a piece about it, that those songs have been played to death in movies for the last 20 years.
“99 Red Balloons” was beyond cliched. A song about nuclear war in a movie about nuclear war. The only way they could have been more subtle was to have someone holding a red balloon as the song played.
I liked the added fight scenes, but the violence & gore were so over the top that it lost it’s shock value. People were laughing at it by the end of the movie, especially the chain-saw prison scene.
I liked Rorschach’s moving mask, thought he was Danny Bonaduce for a second, and I didn’t find out till later that it was Kelly Leak from the Bad New Bears. He did a good Bat-Bale impression. Grrgrll farggle raar!
The movie really dragged in the beginning.
I didn’t like the overdone nihilism in the the original story. I have the GN, but I’m probably one of the few who don’t think it’s a masterpiece. The movie had pretty colors though.
There were A LOT of kids in the theater, 10 & under. What did they think the “R” rating was for? I guess Disney must do horror-movie gore also.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:51 am#15 is dumb. This script rocked.
So they did change the ending after all? I’ve been following the movie hype, but I didn’t watch it in theaters because I’m not a rabid fanboi and wasn’t in the mood for a long and depressing movie where the character I sympathize with is killed and basically the evil mastermind wins. I think they could have kept the “squid” for the movie, as long as they made the monster a bit more intimidating. Hey, I know – Ozy could have unleashed the Cloverfield monster!
Speaking of which, you should do Cloverfield next. Sorry, had to be said.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:56 amBah, someone beat me to it.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:57 am“Upset, BILLY teleports himself to MARS and builds a GIGANTIC QUMRRLFPSKLZNT to WALK AROUND ON.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
April 15th, 2009 at 8:13 am[...] I can’t get to uppity about the abridged script, which, as always, is pretty spot on. (If you’re new to the abridged scripts, they’re [...]
April 15th, 2009 at 8:20 amYeh I figured you left the prison scene out for that reason.
I’m a big fan of the comic book, but as you say, the book is character driven and a film adaptation has to be plot driven. I can’t really figure out if there’s too much plot or not enough in the comic book, but either way, it is totally unfilmable as you inevitably have to remove half the stuff that made the book interesting in the first place.
I disagree with what you say about comic books, but I figured you might just be joking.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:31 amThe Blue Balls jokes/puns worked for me.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:37 amWatchmen was a movie I wanted to love, but I have to tell it we’re just friends. It was mostly true to the GN, and that’s why it wasn’t so successful. Just too much going on, with too much suspension of disbelief and to much veiny blue cock.
I personally loved the movie and the script was pretty funny. I almost wish you hated it though because when you hate a movie the scripts are more scathing and therefore more fun. However, I will not go the rest of my life wondering what burnt asshair is supposed to smell like, thanks a lot.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:55 am“ZACK SNYDER
Dude. You write comic books. Stop acting like you’re fucking Monet, you pretentious jackass.”
Thank you for reminding everybody of that ..perfect ending for another great script. The film was average, more intelligently done in some respects than most comic book adaptations these days ..
What did irritate me, however, was how everybody was going on and on about how complex the comic book ..excuse me.., graphic novel was, and what depth it had …
No offense, but if you read at least half a dozen really good novels in your life – and I’m talking about real literature here – Watchmen is nothing special. I wish people would stop defending comic books so much,and trying to put them in the same place as novels written by really good writers.
I also like the fact that Rod left out many things from the film ..because they were not relevant ..and to think some people rave about how you couldn’t understand the film, if you hadn’t read the novel ..maybe if you had the attention span of a ADD hamster.
April 15th, 2009 at 11:29 amOMG, you’re doing Wolverine next …fantastic ..I can’t hardly wait to see how you rip it apart with adamantium sarcasm.
*sorry ..couldn’t help myself*
I really can’t watch anything related to Wolverine with a straight face anymore, since a friend of mine said that Wolvie would look better with crayons instead of claws … I can’t take that picture out of my head now :)
April 15th, 2009 at 11:33 amThank you Rod. Thank you. Had a good laugh today thanks to you.
April 15th, 2009 at 12:31 pmI enjoyed the art direction in this movie. It had some beautiful shots, and the opening was phenomenally put together. That said, the actual movie was very lacking, in my humble opinion.
Some gems in this script but overall not one of your best. I thought for sure you would mention how distracting the music was… for me that was the worst part of the movie by far. I was with some friends that hadn’t read the comic, they pretty much didn’t know what was going on in the story, and the movie fails to really capture the point of each character, especially the Comedian.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:07 pmI’m glad the first thing I see when I come to this website is no longer an old geezer with a rifle and pants pulled up to under his arm pits.
April 15th, 2009 at 7:07 pm#17 & #19: Check the archives (or even the “Recent Posts” on the left-hand side of the screen) — he already did Cloverfield.
April 15th, 2009 at 9:12 pmSo when you do Terminator: Salvation, I assume you’re going to bring Bale’s blow up into it somehow? Well maybe I assume too much but after the publicity it got, that’s going to be the first thing on people’s minds going into that movie “hey this is that movie Christian Bale was working on when he swore at some guy for 5 minutes straight, oooooo I hope it’s good” I just want to see some fricking war for once, we’ve been teased about it for 25 years or so, and now we’re finally doing the war. Should be fun :D
And btw, Watchmen was, interesting to say the least but I kind of trip on my feet when I hear people rave over graphic novels like they do about this one. I will admit Watchmen was a good read, but so was V for Vendetta, hell reading Marvel and DC stuff is a good read but you know what? Prey, Sphere, Dune, these real books aren’t getting dethroned from a graphic novel, that’s for sure.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:45 am“GOD was telefragged by BILLY CRUDUP”
That was the funniest bit for me. I totally LOL’d at that. Great script once again!
April 16th, 2009 at 1:36 am*watches V for Vendetta again*
April 16th, 2009 at 2:11 am[...] Hilton over at The Editing Room, has written yet another hilarious satirical script of the recent movie Watchmen. He pwns the director, Zack Snyder, for his many ridiculous creative [...]
April 16th, 2009 at 5:16 amWhat’s a “fanbois”? Is it French?
April 16th, 2009 at 5:47 amJim: While that’s funny, it’s wrong. Fanbois is the plural of fanboi. In the case of “Watchmen,” it describes those of us who were so impressed by the comic in 1986 that we were willing to see any film adaptation, even knowing that it might not meet our expectations. I knew the squid wouldn’t fit in–it would just be one more special effect in a movie made of FX–but I was hoping that Zack Snyder wouldn’t “interpret” the story to make it his own. The film critic community seems to think he failed as a director by choosing to remain faithful to the source.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:01 pmRod,do you hate all movies or do you hate the new ones that are full of shit
P.S
April 16th, 2009 at 5:14 pmAny chance you gonna do 17 Again
I loved this one, it’s spot on. The movie was totally weird. That blue genitals haunt me still! God damned, why couldn’t Billy have his banana-hammock on all of the time! Also, what was up with Billy telling Malin that she should see it from his point-of-view or something, and then just show some of her own memories, is that how he see’s everything? Doesn’t really make sense. Whatever… This, great script!
April 16th, 2009 at 8:13 pmDude, excellent parody script.
You inspired me to write a “Watchmen” parody script as well…about a month ago since this one took a while to be posted online.
Ironically I have a dig about “The Heartbreak Kid” as well on it, but i’m sure that matters to no one…
P.S.
You’re awesome. Awesome.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:03 pmHa, excellent. Good work! I seem to think it was actually Terry Gilliam who called Watchmen “unfilmable,” after spending some time trying to do an adaptation of his own.
(As an aside, seriously, what is it with people hopping in to say “This was okay, but not your best work?” I mean, wtf? How much of a jackass can you BE?)
April 17th, 2009 at 7:05 amCJ,
I think “not your best” is becoming a new meme, just like “do cloverfield next”.
April 17th, 2009 at 7:08 amAhahahaha, Man Rod, you outdid yourself this time, “gangbang by the blueman group” “Feeling blue”,
Love comin in here, love ya man!
Kiss Kiss
April 17th, 2009 at 10:17 amI guess its a way of expressing dissapointment but still complementing a fine job. Yeah It’s a jackass thing, ah well. I still love Rod
April 17th, 2009 at 1:46 pmRod, this was definitely not your best Cloverfield.
Seriously, though, this kicked ass. I enjoyed the Blue Man Group reference as well. I laughed out loud because it seemed obvious in retrospect, but I didn’t see anyone else come up with it.
I was going to make some profound point about how the Watchmen themselves (that is, the superheroes) made a good counterpoint to the singular evil of the old USSR, but now that The Enemy is scattered to the four winds and not just standing there in plain sight, it seems kind of useless, pointless, quaint, and dare I say, dated.
I’ll leave it to someone else to flesh that out.
Blue junk aside, Dr. Manhattan was pretty awesomely rendered.
April 17th, 2009 at 3:00 pmOzymandias, though, was totally miscast (who the hell decided to cast the blueblood from Match Point?). I loved the way Rod highlighted his total lack of badassery with the line about his pet kitty.
“What? I thought you had a fantasy of being gangbanged by the Blue Man Group.” >_< I can never watch their shows again, thanks a lot!
*** GOD was telefragged by BILLY CRUDUP ***
April 18th, 2009 at 8:22 amthe RABID FANBOIS leave the theater and NOBODY ELSE WATCHES THE MOVIE.
awesome and true! I can’t think of a single person I know (who isn’t a fanboy or movie junkie) who has seen Watchmen.
April 18th, 2009 at 9:27 amLoved the lame blue balls joke. “Hey-oooo!”
Is it sad that I don’t know what telefragged means?
April 18th, 2009 at 12:18 pmI loved the “Well, of course I do, but still… that was easily the third strangest group sex I’ve ever had” line.
April 18th, 2009 at 8:59 pmYeah, seconding the blue penis jokes being lame. Funny how boys get scared of penises but girls don’t get skeeved by seeing boobs (and by “funny” I mean “sad”).
26, I used to think like you when I was younger. In fact there was a Family Circus in the Sunday paper one day that made the point that books were somehow superior to other media, as do a lot of children’s shows, so it’s understandable why you’d grow up thinking that way. But the truth is that each medium has its gems, and no one medium is better than the other. They’re all about 90% shit when you get right down to it, you know?
April 18th, 2009 at 9:50 pmThanks for another great script! I definitely second the comment about not having to look at Eastwood with his pants up to his armpits.
I genuinely enjoyed the film, I think more so because I saw it before reading the comic/graphic novel/whatever. I did read about the characters before seeing it, but I never found myself confused or put off.
Loved the script, laughed my ass off…keep it up!
April 19th, 2009 at 2:26 pmRod, the blood splatter was actually 3.14 degrees off, you fucking idiot!
April 19th, 2009 at 3:38 pmHaha, in the Valerian series they wanted to detonate bombs to create chaos and war – I gotta get me some of those, they’re so versatile!
April 20th, 2009 at 8:00 amExcellent Script Rod. I wish it had been longer, but only because it was so enjoyable. I have not seen the movie yet but have read the comic/graphic novel….whatever the hell you wanna call it.
I want to second the idea of doing 17 Again, only because you tearing apart a shitty zack efron movie is a fantasy of mine, haha.
April 21st, 2009 at 6:42 amIn the trailer, I thought it was Robert Downey Jr too, because it looked just like him.
I just figures he was there to ask Dr M’s big blue penis to join the Avengers.
April 21st, 2009 at 7:48 pmTypo on “figured”. Nothing kills attempted comedy quicker than a typo. D’oh!
April 21st, 2009 at 7:50 pmGreat script! i almost fell of my chair…but i still like both the movie and the comic =P
April 21st, 2009 at 8:48 pmDan, society didn’t just arbitrarily pick books as being the best form of media. It’s because they don’t force artifical imagery down your throat like a condescending parent and allow you to form your own mental images to accompany the writing. This is the superior form of storytelling because it is the most fundamental and streamlined, which is also why it will survive for another thousand years while Watchmen will be lost in dust.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:42 amThe particles joke was crap. A human is still the same amount of particles whether living or dead – his point is that “It’s not like any particles go missing”. And it’s true, upon death, matter becomes other matter. It doesn’t just disappear.
April 22nd, 2009 at 6:17 amDamon, merely by using words, you do a stellar job of proving that the written word holds no inherent superiority.
April 22nd, 2009 at 7:23 amDamon, I’m curious as to what form of literature you think Shakespeare composed. If books are superior to film because they force the reader to use imagination in a way that “Psycho” does not, then it seems to me that closing your eyes and pretending to be a spaceman is superior to books. After all, Frank Herbert is telling you what to imagine, forcing his view of the future down your throat like a condescending parent. A stage director, on the other hand, leaves Shakespeare to speak for himself without ever providing original imagery or perspective. Each staging of these classic plays has been identical for the last four hundred years, enabling audiences to sit back and imagine the horrific violence of “Titus Andronicus” and the cross-dressing chuckles of “As You Like It” without the pesky visuals forced on us by comics and movies. What a pal we have in William Shakespeare.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:20 amA picture is worth a thousand words, but with a thousand words you can convey more than a picture ever will.
Writing will be the superior form of conveying a story until all the senses (including thought) are able to be tapped. Only then will multi-media be on par. A person’s imagination is the one intangible that multi-media will never be able to affect and which is exercised by default with writing.
It’s true there are “gems” with the other media. But those are not overlapping aspects. The arguments presented here rely on the mistaken assumption that they are.
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:12 amNice script, Rod, but you do commit what I consider to be one of the worst mistakes any critic can commit: you criticize something mildly realistic by claiming it is unrealistic and propose a preposterously unrealistic alternative. I’m referring to the part where you suggest that The Comedian should have mentioned Ozzy’s name while being pummeled to death by him.
Seriously, Rod, movies and comics are the only places where people have long, complex conversations in the middle of a fight. In real life, all you hear during a fight are grunts and bones breaking.
I mean, if Dick Chaney busted into your house and started attacking you, would you scream: “former vice-president Richard “Dick” Cheney, why are you attacking me?! [Cheney kicks you in the nuts] Why did you just kicked me in the nuts, former vice-president Richard “Dick” Cheney, why?!?!” Of course not. Why would you do that? So the AUDIENCE would know who it is? How would that be more realistic?
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:39 pmNo, the written word isn’t inherently superior to film. There have been some shithouse novels that have been blown away by their adaptations; not as numerous as the utterly wretched ones, but it does happen.
Futhermore, it isn’t exclusively “your imagination” that’s being utilized while reading, and saying that films don’t stimulate the same faculties is ridiculous. Films like Primer and Cache may show you what’s happening but they require your attention, your cognition, your ENTIRE BRAIN in order for them to be enjoyed. And personally, I have gotten more out of those two than out of anything Gertrude Stein ever wrote, that stupid bitch.
(20 seconds of a beautiful sunset on film) > (the line “It was a beautiful sunset.”)
April 22nd, 2009 at 5:10 pmShoving imagery down your throat? … Wait a minute… I’m pretty sure in grade school I was taught that when an author describes a setting it’s called imagery.
April 22nd, 2009 at 5:47 pm(Aside from that debate going on)
Ok script Rod. It was like Watchmen the movie itself, I was looking foward to it, got excited the minute it came out, and when it was done, I felt somewhat cheated even though I liked it and saw some good moments in it. I’m also looking to see a “Director’s Cut.”
April 22nd, 2009 at 5:50 pmDon’t you just love it how, in the Coming soon rubric, Harry Potter gets pushed further and further away? Anyway, so many treats in the future …first Wolverine (cough*utter crap*cough) and then Terminator Salvation (cough*possible crap*cough) ..at least we get Crazy Bale..
And concerning the debate about the better medium …no matter how you put it …books do challenge you more ..you have to imagine everything for yourself ..and you have to think every step of the way, whereas films do allow you to doze off/turn your brain off every now and then (all the time during a Bay film).
I remember reading some study about how our brains are more active when dreaming, than when watching television.
April 22nd, 2009 at 6:47 pmI liked these scripts, but I thought this one wasn’t as funny as a lot of them before. It really didn’t point out the flaws the way it did in dark knight, or Gran Torino, or other movies i like but were still funny to laugh at.
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:56 amto #63 … Actually, Sean, it is. Let’s put it in perspective. I can write pages upon pages of text, but I can’t adequately desribe a symphony. You have to hear the symphony to get the effect. I can write pages upon pages of text, but I can’t adequately describe a color. You have to see it to know it. I can write pages upon pages of text, but I can’t adequately describe the scent of a rose.
Likewise, I can use a speaker and provide any number of sounds, but they cannot describe color or scent either. I can show picture upon picture but they cannot describe sound or scent. What’s more, those sources cannot convey thoughts or feelings. They can elicit them, but not convey them.
Writing CAN gather those together, though, and relying on a person’s experience and ability to recall those experiences is able to bring an image to the mind of the scents and sounds and sights. It can also delve into the emotions and thoughts because the text is directed at beings with emotions and thoughts. Because it can bring all of those elements together in the imagination, the result is the ideal form of story telling.
A set of sounds can hint at a story, but it can’t give a complete story. A set of sights can hint at a story, but it can’t give a complete story. A set of sights and sounds can give a very good hint at a story, but it still falls short. It takes speech (the spoken writing) combined with the rest in the form of a “movie” to come close to the writing. But that combination still lacks the ability to adequately convey emotions and thoughts. Nor can it adequately convey smells. All of those are key ingredients to written stories.
Oh, by the way, despite your misuse of the ordinal comparison of “greater than”, the comparison between a 20 second clip of film and a single sentence is not comparing like entities. With a paragraph or two, a good writer could describe the sunset and give it as much vibrance as the clip of film. With a bit more, he could add in sounds, and temperatures and scents surrounding the viewer as well as a focus for the main character and what the sunset conveys to that character. The clip of film will still be, just a clip of a sunset.
April 23rd, 2009 at 7:52 amI actually find film to be the superior art form. In a film you can have a character or a narrator describe something, just like in a book. But in a book you can’t have great acting. And there is no way to describe human emotion, it will always fall flat. You have to see it.
Now, films tend to bow to commercial interests because they are expensive to make, but when it’s done right a movie can show you things you will never see anywhere else. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
April 23rd, 2009 at 12:48 pmIt will still be a clip of a sunset unless we do what you have done and add elements to the original (filmed on high definition stock, score by Howard Shore, directed by David Fincher, narration by Morgan Freeman). But we aren’t talking about GOOD films or books, are we? Simply films and books at their base definition, which according to you aren’t “like entities,” yet continue to compare the two.
Here is an example of something: I recently finished reading Stephenson’s Cryptonomicon, which is a ridiculously epic story spanning over 1,000 pages, taking place from World War II to present day, told from the perspective of three main characters and a shitload of minor ones. If this were ever translated word-for-word to film, it would be highly inferior and probably excruciating to watch, like Berlin Alexanderplatz. What books can do that movies can’t is offer information in dense packets, but this does not make books BETTER, simply different. After all, no matter how long a book is, you almost never read it in one sitting, do you?
Hypothetically, a good film adaptation of Cryptonomicon would improve the source material, not transpose it. I know you don’t care for examples (”gems” in your language, “proof” in mine), but if someone managed to pull it off, I would state without hesitating that the movie was better.
Likewise, if Stephanie Meyer managed to describe Edward Cullen’s appearance in sunlight better than “like a fucking Christmas ornament,” I would say the book is better.
And if Michael Bay wrote down everything that happened in Transformers, it would probably be just as shitty.
But I would never, say, watch the film version of Trainspotting and think “Well, they made it more coherent, but words can just CONVEY more, and even though I was bored out of my fucking skull reading Trainspotting, it has to be better because it’s the book and not the movie.”
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:33 pmI’d like to bring up the opening shot of Raging Bull (or perhaps many shots in Raging Bull). No words can express what I saw during the opening titles. Much deeper than text could have delivered.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:42 pmRod, I loved this script. It made me laugh out loud in several places, which is great.
I love how you pointed out two of the things that truly annoyed me in the movie:
1. No explanation as to why Rorschach’s mask moved (it was made out of a special fabric, as explained in the novel) and
2. No explanation of Bubastis, Veidt’s genetically engineered whatever. I saw the movie with people who hadn’t read the novel and these two things confused them quite a bit.
Tigercatrabbit/Mr Meowkins made me laugh so hard.
Side note, I’ve read the graphic novel numerous times, and I’ve also seen the movie. Although the GN is ultimately superior to the movie (at least in my mind) it was a good movie in itself.
And it was great to see Dan Dreiberg’s character actually looking like he does in the comic; it amazed me.
Malin Akerman is a terribad actor, but her character wasn’t given much to work with in the movie so I suppose she can’t be entirely blamed.
The Comedian and Rorschach were the best performances of the movie. JDM embodied the Comedian perfectly, he looked like and was pretty much how you imagined the Comedian to be. Same goes for Jackie. He played Rorshach so well.
Enough of my rantings.
April 23rd, 2009 at 9:03 pmEJIHGIJEOK\RMJPIH’PGOKEMWRTJIH’PQ3NHBOQB
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF—
I HATE YOU, WHO EVER WROTE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 25th, 2009 at 8:35 pmI hate that. Your contention is that because they’re comics they’re inherently viewed as childish? I suppose you’ve never read Sandman, Transmetropolitan, The Filth, Death: The High Cost of Living, Y: The Last Man or hell even Bone. All comics which present high concepts WITH great art.
I’ve no problem with your view of the movie being truncated and brief (despit the run time) and unable to present a lot of the themes in the book as they should have been, but I don’t agree with your attack on the medium as a whole. Were Watchmen a novel it would be universally hailed, but since it comes in the package of a comic it’s “One of the best comics ever” and not simply one of the best pieces of literature of the last 100 years. Not THE best, no, not by a long shot, but certainly one of them.
May 4th, 2009 at 10:12 pmEr, Rod didn’t attack comic books, he attacked a comic book artist’s self-serving belief that comic books are in inherantly superior medium to film. Pull the stick out of your ass FFS.
May 5th, 2009 at 11:24 amAlan Moore, though brilliant, is quite insane. We all love him for it. Also, he doesn’t hate film, he just hates movies that bastardize works from other mediums.
May 5th, 2009 at 12:49 pmDoc Savage, Rod’s line is nearly word-for-word from an actual Alan Moore interview. It may well be that he finds value in some classic films, but the crazy son of a bitch has been lambasting all movies ever since he sighed and cashed his check for “From Hell.” He hates the comic book industry while retaining a fondness for the medium, but his anger towards movies is about the end product.
May 5th, 2009 at 1:56 pmThis site’s really jumped the shark. I gotta stop coming here to read this guy tear into comic book movies JUST CUZ they’re such easy targets. Bunch of low blows is all this script is. Same for the dark knight one. unfunny and juvenile. blechk.
May 10th, 2009 at 1:58 amUm, you all realize Rod rated this movie to be pretty good? You can make fun of something and still like it. It’s not a crime. Stop taking shit so seriously, wow.
May 10th, 2009 at 12:30 pmYou’re losing your touch, most of these aren’t funny anymore, especially this one.
If you’re missing the point about most of the story or actions on purpose, it’s not funny, if you’re just an idiot, well that settles that.
May 25th, 2009 at 10:39 pm@ Professor Doctor Robot
June 6th, 2009 at 6:07 pmThe constructive criticism, well structured reasoning and respect in your argument is all incredibly useful and likely to influence Rod.
[...] and just general poor film making. The cast was pretty decent but that was about it. Eat this: Watchmen: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room __________________ Fucking arrogant [...]
June 18th, 2009 at 9:19 am[...] Bonus! Watchmen: The Abridged Script [...]
July 15th, 2009 at 4:41 amIf you read the V for Vendetta and Promethea comics, you'll find that Alan Moore's "elitism" is a lot more complicated than you'd think. V has a poster for Storm Saxon, a racist scifi show that the government sponsors, and in Promethea, they encounter a "sad gorilla" corporate mascot while exploring a dimension representing the collective unconscious. It's not like he wants to destroy popular kitsch. If he hates Hollywood, it's because it destroys everything that isn't.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:01 am*** GOD was telefragged by BILLY CRUDUP ***
Great, now I have to go start an unreal tournament match on two computers just so I can recreate this line over and over until I die of starvation.
September 11th, 2009 at 4:39 amIt's so weird coming across people still spouting this whole 'comics are for kids, books are real literature' thing. It's like finding a primitive tribe of cavemen frozen in the ice.
December 18th, 2009 at 2:37 amGIGANTIC QUMRRLFPSKLZNT made me laugh.
January 1st, 2010 at 6:48 amI didn't get the squid reference until I finished reading the Watchmen book. The villian's original plan wasn't any less goofy than the plan in the movie: "I'll let a giant squid monster teleport into New York City and trick people into thinking there has been an alien invasion and the teleportation will kill half of the city. And the monster itself won't terrorize the humans but will instead die instantly after it has been teleported."
Awesome script, by the way. I love the Alan Moore joke at the end.
I actually liked the movie, though.
January 10th, 2010 at 7:37 pm