Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Aug 3rd, 2007 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
INT. SINGAPORE
After sitting through a kid and a whole bunch of convicted pirates singing an entire song about pirates, we cut to KEIRA KNIGHTLEY in SINGAPORE, singing the same song. She meets up with GEOFFREY RUSH.
GEOFFREY RUSH
What’s with all the damn singing? Are we in Spider-Man 3?
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Do you feel the urge to do a little jazz dance number down the sidewalk?
GEOFFREY RUSH
Jesus, No. I guess we’re safe.
They meet up with CHOW YUN-FAT.
CHOW YUN-FAT
Welcome to Singapore. I first require Keira to remove some of her clothes.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
What? Why?
CHOW YUN-FAT
This movie is over three hours long. I need to enjoy at least one frame of this movie before I have to endure the rest of it.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
This is stupid. Are you really the new villain for the movie?
CHOW YUN-FAT
What? No, I die in the next scene. This movie doesn’t have a villain. The British, I guess.
Suddenly, a NONSENSICAL FIGHT breaks out. Also there are BRITISH SOLDIERS. ORLANDO BLOOM is in there somewhere, too.
Eventually the go-nowhere action sequence stops and we cut to JOHNNY DEPP having conversations with imaginary JOHNNY DEPPS.
JOHNNY DEPP
What a great way to set the tone for the movie: a confusing, meaningless sequence that serves to undercut nearly every interesting aspect of my charming character.
JOHNNY DEPP
At least you still have your entire ship with you for some reason. Maybe you can push it to the water.
He does so, with the help of some ROCKS WITH LEGS that are, oddly enough, NOT figments of his imagination. He meets KEIRA, ORLANDO, GEOFFREY, and a bunch of PIRATE EXTRAS.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
We’re here to rescue you.
JOHNNY DEPP
Nice timing, since I just managed to escape death all on my own. Maybe you guys want to buy me a bottle of rum next time I finish distilling one myself, too.
They leave the island of the afterlife. KEIRA meets her dead father’s ghost, which is extremely EMOTIONAL because he’s been such an interesting character in the other movies and the AUDIENCE likes him so much. JOHNNY solves an insipid puzzle that transports their ship closer to the end of the movie.
INT. PIRATE’S COVE
A bunch of pirates meet to discuss what to do about the invading BRITISH ARMY.
GEOFFREY RUSH
We need to release some ancient demon spirit thing for reasons that seem to have been made clear between the last movie and this one.
OTHER PIRATES
That’s a terrible idea. We should instead get mired down with what can only be described as pirate red tape. Nobody respects the rules like pirates.
KEITH RICHARDS
Allow me to facilitate this tedious examination of the pirate code.
JOHNNY DEPP
Dad, what the fuck are you doing in this movie?
KEITH RICHARDS
Cheating death, what does it look like?
KEITH disappears from the film entirely, his introduction a complete waste of time. GEOFFREY releases the goddess/demon/spirit/whatever. It backfires and is used as an excuse to create a forced battle scenario in a whirlpool.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Does anyone else get the feeling this movie was made by having a bunch of producers make a bullet-point list of scenes they wanted, then hiring someone to glue them together with a script?
JOHNNY DEPP
Who fucking cares? I’m wasted off my ass. You didn’t think this drunken pirate thing was my acting, did you?
ORLANDO BLOOM
We should revisit the boring romance between Keira and I in order to break up the monotony of this fight sequence.
We DO. Eventually enough stuff explodes that JERRY BRUCKHEIMER can create a decent-enough trailer that will trick people into wasting three hours of their lives watching the movie.
KEVIN MCNALLY
Well, I guess this crap is finally over. Unless you want to leave the franchise open for a sequel by talking about your next quest.
JOHNNY DEPP
Good idea. We may not have explored a boring Disney ride thoroughly enough with a mere 460 minutes.
END
Sounds even worse than Dead Man’s chest, yo-ho-ho another piss-poor sequel.
August 3rd, 2007 at 9:01 amYou know, I liked this movie (I like the series, actually) but I’ll never watch it again. I can’t sit through it twice, it’s just too damn long. And Keira’s mouth is too deformed.
August 3rd, 2007 at 9:47 am“KEITH disappears from the film entirely, his introduction a complete waste of time.”
THANK YOU! That is exactly how I felt, considering all the damned hype they made from day one of the first film, about trying to get Keith Richards involved in the series. I swear, the shitty way it was handled, unless you were actually a Pirates FAN, you’d never even know his character was supposed to be related to Depp’s. What an amazing opportunity missed! You go, Rod!
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:37 amalthough you did not out right say it thank you for referencing the fact that johnny depp looked, and probably was, schizophrenic during this movie…(perfect island multiple cgi of johnny depp that area)
August 3rd, 2007 at 5:06 pmbeen a while since i noticed this, but it’s time i open my mouth about it: where did the movie ratings go? i’d love to compare the ratings for this and spidey, what with all the hoo-ha and competition. it’s a lot more entertaining than the two films put together.
August 3rd, 2007 at 6:59 pmActually, I love all the movie, even when the script makes no sense.
(And what was the deal with the voodoo chick, anyway? First she wants to help them sop the brits, then we discover she’s with Bill Nighy, then that she’s a goddess, then they have to force her to exit her body, but once she does she just stops caring and tries to kill everybody. It’s just me or they never actually had a script before filming so they resorted to just making shit up?)
August 4th, 2007 at 3:16 amWhy did this script remind me of your lazy-ass script for The Mummy? Surely the problem is on my end.
August 4th, 2007 at 4:09 pmRotflol!! love the movie, but loved this as well!!!
August 4th, 2007 at 8:36 pmI loved the first POTC, but the last two sucked. Just Disney milking another good movie for all it’s worth.
“KEITH RICHARDS: Cheating death, what does it look like? ”
Hahahaha! Keep up the good work, Rod.
August 4th, 2007 at 9:27 pmThis one could have been more developed–but really, why fucking bother? This movie was so painfully, skin-peelingly bad that I almost left the theater. Actually, just trying to remember enough about this incoherently babbling merchandise-o-rama to make intelligent commentary on your review is giving me a screaming headache. To hell with this.
August 4th, 2007 at 11:07 pmI kept dozing off around the time of the scene with multiple johny depps
August 5th, 2007 at 6:56 amUhm, a bit lazy, but your other scripts are awesome. One thing though, Tia Dalma, the black woman who used to be in love with Davey Jones, is ACTUALLY Calipso, Goddess of the Seas. SHE made the crabs move the Black Pearl when they were in Davey Jones’ Locker, not Johnny. So that part made sense. Also, the sequence with the other Jacks shows us why he’s always looking around wide-eyed. He’s having conversations in his head to determine and figure things out. That, and he’s drunk. But yeah, that part should have been obvious…
August 5th, 2007 at 8:47 amDidn’t mind the film, actually…
Re: your script, Rod… well, kudos for the shots at the film’s script and its length, but what about the fact that the villain (Beckett) turned out to be rather unthreatening?
August 6th, 2007 at 8:21 amTo everybody wondering, they actually didn’t have a script for this movie when they filmed it. They filmed Dead Man’s Chest and this at the same time, and while they did that they had *most* of Chest’s script but almost *none* of World’s End’s script. Then I believe they did some re-shoots after Dead Man’s Chest was finished in which they tried to tie the mess together. As you can see, a perfect way to make a movie. Screenplays are being re-written all the time during most movie shoots but at least they have a basis of some kind to work with; in this the script was just plain nonexistent.
August 6th, 2007 at 8:55 amYeah, we need to go get nine pirate lords to help fight ths last battle… Ok, you eight just fucking sit there while the black pearl goes and does all the fuckin hard work. Seriously, the pirate lords sat with their thumbs up their holes for the last hour. All they did was cheer when the balck pearl was victorious. As such, Rod, you shoulda had a bit where Depp says he just needed the nine pirate lords for an audience.
Not to tell you how to write a script, or anything.
August 7th, 2007 at 4:01 pmYeah Joker, that drove me insane, too. Three hours of hype about the 9 Pirate Lords teaming up for some great climactic battle, then when the time comes, they do ABSOLUTELY GODDAMN NOTHING.
Die, Hollywood! Die!
August 7th, 2007 at 6:22 pmThis was hilarious, but what REALLY made me laugh and snort out loud was Empire DCs’ comment: ” One thing though, Tia Dalma, the black woman who used to be in love with Davey Jones, is ACTUALLY Calipso, Goddess of the Seas. SHE made the crabs move the Black Pearl when they were in Davey Jones’ Locker, not Johnny. So that part made sense.” I don’t know if you were trying to joke or not Empire, but thanks for that either way!
August 8th, 2007 at 2:34 pmyeah i actually liked this movie, but i was waiting not so patiently for this script of it, and it was funny, but they didn’t really leave it open for another sequel because if you stayed after the credits (i know you already spent three hours, but whats another ten minutes gonna hurt you?) it shows Will and Elizabeth’s son and Elizabeth going to meet Will when he comes back for his one day. So that kind of implys that there hadn’t been anything interesting happening for the past ten years. and if anything did happen Elizabeth wouldn’t be in it, cause she’s either pregnant or taking care of her son, and Will couldn’t be in it cause he’s ferrying souls.
August 13th, 2007 at 7:53 amI couldn’t force myself to go see this movie. Pirates 2.0, while it had some enjoyable scenes, was way too long and I am offended by the notion of paying twice to see one whole damn movie. They tricked me into it with Kill Bill and the Matrix series because I felt like they were ripping me off by not showing me the rest of the movie. But then after I saw the second half of those movies, I kind of felt like they ripped me off by showing me the second half of the movies.
So when they decide they are going to just give me a little section of a movie, they better let me in at half-price for half-a-movie, otherwise I’m not going to bother.
Studio greediness turned me into a cranky old bastard when it comes to movies lately.
August 14th, 2007 at 10:28 pmVery funny indeed and deadly accurate on the Depp talking to Depps scene. Regarding Keith however…I’m not sure you have fully grasped the concept of a cameo.
Just plugged you on my blog by the way. Are you this witty in real life?
August 21st, 2007 at 8:15 pmThe pirates movie WAS too fucking long. I fell asleep at the theater. You pretty much summed it all up here.
September 2nd, 2007 at 12:02 pmWhy can’t the movies be as good as your versions??
Well, I liked all 3 movies, I am a big depp fan I new what was going to happen and when it was going to happen, I did alot fo research after the secong movie mecouse I liked Johnny Depp so much, so I understood everthing in that movie. Though this site is really funny as well, I am rather annoyed with it becouse I am a pirate fan, and most people that go and see these things really only seen them once, these movies are made to see over and over again, the more you see them the more they make sence. and for all of you Pirate fans who still like pirates no matter how “confusing” these movies are, PotC 3 comes out Dec 4th.
September 12th, 2007 at 8:48 pmAnd maybe they are only confusing becouse you people are to stupid to pay attantion and figure it out on your own, do you want every freaking movie to have a story that tells you how everything is? and does not have any swists and tunrs? I dont, Thats one resone why I like Pirates………… Makes you think.
So you’re annoyed because you like the pirate films, and some people don’t? Some people have different tastes than you do? To shame, god forbid we don’t like the same thin you do. I personally loved the first pirate film and hated the rest of them. It wasn’t exactly that they were confusing - it was just too much junk crammed into one movie. I don’t need 3 10-minute swordfights on top of elephants rolling down Mount Everest followed immediately by a fight on a space station where Captain Jack only has one leg and one arm, etc… they just overloaded the movies with TOO many twists and turns, and too many plot twists. I don’t mind plot twists, but I want enough time to absorb them before I’m launched into some other bout of shenanigans.
And pirates never really made me think. The first one made me think “That was a good movie.” The second one made me think “Why did they make a sequel?” There’s intellectual stimulation, and then there’s just plain overstimulation.
September 27th, 2007 at 1:52 pmi agree with you, Edgar! you forgot the part about how she grew giant and then turned into thousands of those rock-crab thingos. i loved the first movie, but it really didn’t have to be a trilogy! sooo long and pointless! “nobody respects the rules like pirates” classic!!
October 14th, 2007 at 8:03 pmNot a bad script, could’ve done more though. This movie was painfully cheesy and not funny. The Western scene with electric guitar music - WTF? The whole film just spelt gimmicky, I guess they just needed to squeeze more money out of the franchise. Keira can’t seem to speak without gritting her teeth, her “inspirational” speeches were just lame, but she did look damn hot when Will was almost going down on her. I still kind of enjoyed it though, just because of the goddamn awesomeness of Badelt’s score.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Does anyone else get the feeling this movie was made by having a bunch of producers make a bullet-point list of scenes they wanted, then hiring someone to glue them together with a script?
Bravo!
October 23rd, 2007 at 1:18 pmYou forgot the moral ambivalence suggested in a DISNEY movie where hundreds of Royal Navy personnel just doing their duty are killed to save a bunch of cut-throat pirates just because the commanding admiral is an incompetent bastard.
Alright, I’ll shut up now.
December 19th, 2007 at 3:08 pmI thought that was intirely(dont think spelled right) funny!!!!!! I just like pirates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im a girl and i was jack sparrow for halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i’ll just shut up(im sure you dont want to hear my comments!!)
January 18th, 2008 at 7:56 pmHmmm, no parts for Billy Nighy or Tom Hallander in this one That’s sad as Tom had the best line in the abridged script for DMC:
TOM HOLLANDER
I’m sorry, what’s going on? I’ve been staring at Keira’s cleavage for like 10 minutes.
January 27th, 2008 at 12:04 pmthis movie sucked, they should have stopped after the first one, really
February 11th, 2008 at 7:35 pmThe Pirates movies were good if pretty confusing and unnecessarily complicated. For those who think it bad a studio would milk a story by spreading it over two movies, I agree in principle. However, if done right, it does wonders. Take a look at the Lord of the Rings movies. But then again, that might be a bad example since LOTR is in a whole separate league.
February 21st, 2008 at 4:43 pmWhat league is that? The league of I Can’t Sit All the Way Through This Fucking Shit?
February 21st, 2008 at 11:27 pmyes, the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
February 23rd, 2008 at 5:09 pmThe league of pigging idiots more like.
April 21st, 2008 at 7:56 am“Good idea. We may not have explored a boring Disney ride thoroughly enough with a mere 460 minutes.”
Just about killed me
April 29th, 2008 at 3:59 pmWow… do you people go to movies to have fun, or just to garner more reasons to piss all over everyone else? I liked each movie more then the previous one. I had FUN watching all 3 movies. I hope like hell all you moaners didn’t pay a dime to see these movies. Oh, such a waste of your obviously extra precious time.
Also the parody of the scripts here is damned funny :) nice writing, Rod!
May 5th, 2008 at 4:10 pmThis was so fun to read, although you’re wrong with the end of your script. They did not leave it open for another movie with Jack Sparrow because where the map points in the end for the “fountain of youth”… Yeah, that’d be Disney World in Florida. The only thing left open would be what happens to Will and Elizabeth, since he’s all Davy Jones-y, minus the scales.
May 5th, 2008 at 11:49 pm