"Imma let you finish, but Donkey Kong was the greatest video game of all time!!!!"


"Imma let you finish, but Donkey Kong was the greatest video game of all time!!!!"

RAMPAGE (2018)

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. GIANT MONSTER GROWING STATION - SPACE

MARLEY SHELTON makes her very first Editing Room appearance ever as a kickass lady space scientist.

MARLEY SHELTON

(is quickly killed off)

A MUTANT RAT karate chops the space station and it explodes, hurling canisters of mutant growth hormone down on the planet.

EXT. ZOO

THE ROCK who, if you didn't already know, is all swole up with badass, is playing THE ROCK except HE BOUGHT A ZOO. Not really but kind of.

THE ROCK

I saved this albino gorilla named George from evil human poachers so now I love all animals but hate all humans.

HOT WHITE GIRL

(gyrating hips at The Rock)

Even me?

THE ROCK

Yes. Especially you. Now we need to establish my close-knit relationship with George the Gorilla.

GORILLA GEORGE

(signing)

You should let her peel your banana.

THE ROCK

Why? I'm perfectly capable of peeling my own bana-- OH! Get your mind out of the gutter George!

GORILLA GEORGE

(sticks finger into closed fist)

(pulls finger out)

(sticks finger back in again)

I actually do this in the movie because The Rock raised me to be a horny chad, apparently.

Meanwhile the mutant growth canisters land on earth and infect GEORGE, a DIREWOLF, and CROCODILE DUNDEE who is an actual crocodile.

THE ROCK

Oh no! George has grown 10 feet! He must have gotten into my stash of HGH!

NAOMIE HARRIS

(appearing)

No! He's been exposed to a gene editing gas I developed known as CRISPR.

THE ROCK

CRISPR? Like the one in my refrigerator?

NAOMIE HARRIS

Exactly like that, except this one combines all the cool parts of different animals and sloppily fuses them together like a 2 year old playing with Legos.

THE ROCK

So like Jurassic World?

NAOMIE HARRIS

Yes exactly like that, but THIS ONE is somehow even dumber.

GEORGE freaks out and starts smashing shit while carefully avoiding killing or, you know, EATING anyone because he is a HERO afterall.

THE ROCK

Oh boy I sure hope THAT doesn't change. If George flips out and violently murders innocent people in some kind of bloody RAMPAGE and eats people there's no way he can be redeemed. NO WAY.

GORILLA GEORGE

(makes adorable sad face)

THE ROCK

Awwww! We could never stay mad at you! Let's cuddle ya big lug!

But GEORGE is suddenly tranquilized and captured by government agents controlled by JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

(grinning)

Jee-zus! That has GOT to be the BIGGEST damn gorilla I have EV-A seen!

THE ROCK

Wow, you're playing this character totally unlike Negan.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

(leans back)

(sways)

THE ROCK

Yup. TOTALLY unlike Negan.

JEFFREY arrests everyone and puts them on the plane from THE MUMMY (2017) trailer.

INT. EVIL CORP - CHICAGO

A giant forehead with a MALIN AKERMAN growing out of it appears.

MALIN AKERMAN

(vamping)

My company owned the illegal mutant growing space station and I'm responsible for Marley's death because she tried to save herself instead of my CRISPR pathogens.

(down-votes a video of kittens playing on YouTube)

JAKE LACY

Damn woman you are pure evil.

MALIN AKERMAN

Who are you?

JAKE LACY

Your pussyfied lackey brother who you berate with exposition. We kind of have a Cersei/Jamie thing going on except we don't fuck. I think.

MALIN AKERMAN

Well then I should tell you I had a giant dog whistle placed on top of this building that will draw the mutated monsters to me, destroying anything in their path including half the city.

JAKE LACY

But doesn't that also include the building we are standing in that houses all your illegal genetic research?

MALIN AKERMAN

Yeah... didn't really think past "draw giant mutant killer animals to me". I have a mental condition that doesn't allow me to anticipate the consequences of my actions.

JAKE LACY

Wow you really are like Cersei.

They turn on the giant DOG WHISTLE and the giant DIREWOLF and giant DINO-CROC hightail it to CHICAGO.

INT. TRANSPORT PLANE

THE ROCK and NAOMIE are cuffed while GEORGE is in a cage.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

(leans back)

(sways)

Now don't you go worrying about this plane ladies and gents, it is the most in-DEE-structable gorilla proof air-o-plane man has EV-A made!

The dog whistle triggers GEORGE and he easily destroys the entire fucking plane.

THE ROCK

(saves Naomie with his pecks)

(saves Jeffrey with single bicep)

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Hol-ly shit man, you are so damn masculine even I feel like bending over and lifting my skirt for you.

(wears a red scarf)

THE ROCK

Your acting style is so versatile. It's uncanny.

NAOMIE HARRIS

George survived the crash and is heading to Chicago where an antidote for his mutant rage is.

THE ROCK

Great, I'll fly us there in this helicopter I'm stealing.

NAOMIE HARRIS

Wait so you're a gorilla trainer, skilled at hand to hand combat, a master parachuter, AND you know how to fly a military chopper?

THE ROCK

You sound surprised? It's not like I can stop bullets with my abs or anything. THAT would be too ridiculous even for me!

EXT. AMERICA

GEORGE is going on a, wait for it... wait for it...

RAMPAGE

When he encounters the huge DIREWOLF.

GORILLA GEORGE

Let's team up!

DIREWOLF

Like the raptors and Indominus rex in Jurassic World?

GORILLA GEORGE

Fuuuuck you're right. Are we also going to break our truce and fight each other in the climax?

WARNER BROS'S LAWYERS

(violently beating back Universal's Lawyers with clubs)

EXT. CHICAGO

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

Phew! We finally got this place back together after that whole Transformers disaster a few years ago!

GEORGE and the DIREWOLF show up and fuck everything up.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

(builds a dozen tables)

(flips them)

DINO CROC

Hey George and Direwolf, can I join you guys?

DIREWOLF

What the hell are you man?

GORILLA GEORGE

Yeah, you look like Tokka and Rahzar had sex with Bowser.

ALL THE MONSTERS pull down CHICAGO'S PANTS and go straight to POUND TOWN.

SGT. NOT ERNIE HUDSON

Send in the Marines!

MARINES

(killed)

SGT. NOT ERNIE HUDSON

Send in the tanks!

TANKS

(smooshed)

SGT. NOT ERNIE HUDSON

Send in the attack planes!

ATTACK PLANES

(eaten)

SGT. NOT ERNIE HUDSON

I'm nuking this cursed city!

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

My GAWD you must have THE BIG-gest hairiest nutsack I have EV-A seen! Droppin a big ass giant ass MOAB on the city? That ain't what good guys do broheim.

(leans back)

(sways)

SGT. NOT ERNIE HUDSON

Are you constantly trying to out maneuver a sniper bullet or what?

INT. EVIL CORP

THE ROCK and NAOMIE find the antidote but they are held at gunpoint by MALIN and JAKE.

MALIN ACKERMAN

If you give George and the monsters the antidote that would stop them from destroying this building and killing us all so Jake and I are... stopping you from saving us?? Why am I doing this exactly?

NAOMIE HARRIS

You are such a feckless cunt.

MALIN ACKERMAN

HEY! You can't say that! Take it back!

NAOMIE HARRIS

Alright alright, what I meant to say is you are an EFFECTIVE cunt.

MALIN ACKERMAN

That's more like it! Now hand over that antidote!

THE ROCK

I will do no such thing madam!

(is shot!)

NAOMIE HARRIS

Oh no! You shot him right in the abs! A fatal wound for The Rock if ever I saw one!

MALIN and JAKE abscond with NAOMIE and the antidote and leave THE ROCK to DIE HAHA JUST KIDDING HE'LL BE FINE.

EXT. EVIL CORP - ROOF

MALIN ACKERMAN

Now to escape in this helicopter before the monsters climb up here and eat me.

JAKE LACY

Why don't we just turn off the dog whistle? That would save our building and our lives.

MALIN ACKERMAN

Because... I... don't want to save our lives??? What the hell is my problem?

NAOMIE HARRIS

My god, all that forehead and no brains.

THE ROCK appears and rescues NAOMIE and steals back the antidote from MALIN.

NAOMIE HARRIS

I take it you caught that bullet with your abs which then crushed it into a fine dust that sealed your gunshot wound?

THE ROCK

Yeah how'd you know?

NAOMIE HARRIS

I thought of the most ridiculous explanation I could think of, and then wondered what would be even dumber than that.

THE ROCK

So how are we going to get George to take the antidote?

NAOMIE HARRIS

We're going to plant the antidote on Malin and then feed her to George.

THE ROCK

Haha, no seriously what's the plan?

NAOMIE HARRIS

We're going to plant the antidote on Malin, wrap her up in a giant burrito, and then feed her to George.

THE ROCK

Haha, no seriously what's the plan?

NAOMIE HARRIS

Alright alright you got me. First, you're going to ask George to calm down in a soft but assertive tone while gently stroking his arm.

THE ROCK

I like stroking, go on.

NAOMIE HARRIS

Then, I will very softly begin to hum the theme song to CBS's "hit" show Elementary because that's George's favorite Sherlock Holmes TV adaptation. Fuck you Cumberbach fans.

THE ROCK

Wait how do you know that's George's favorite Sherlock show? You've known him for like 5 minutes.

NAOMIE HARRIS

Look do you want to hear this awesome plan or not?

THE ROCK

Okay okay, please continue.

NAOMIE HARRIS

Right, so I'm humming the song, and I'm acting out all the wacky mousetrap shit in the opening title sequence, and then just as I start to hit the crescendo...

THE ROCK

Yeah, yeah...

NAOMIE HARRIS

We plant the antidote on Malin and then feed her to George.

THE ROCK

Okay you've sold me.

They plant the antidote on MALIN and then FEED HER to GEORGE.

GEORGE EATS MALIN. HE GOBBLES HER ALL UP. WHOLE.

THE ROCK

Wow. I guess the giant mutants aren't the only monsters in this movie.

The DINO CROC wrecks the Evil Corp building so much it's about to COLLAPSE! THE ROCK and NAOMIE are doomed!

THE ROCK

Not so fast! We'll just escape in Malin's helicopter which I am stealing!

NAOMIE HARRIS

But the ass of the helicopter is completely fucked! We'll crash!

THE ROCK

Yeah I know, I survive those all the time. Here, hide inside my glutes, they'll cushion you from the impact.

EVIL CORP collapses but THE ROCK and NAOMIE survive because THE ROCK's muscles are physics-resistant.

GORILLA GEORGE

Hey I'm a good guy again! Time to fight the Direwolf and Dino Croc!

THE ROCK

Great! I'll help you!

GORILLA GEORGE

Huh, how? You're just a man.

THE ROCK

Yes but I have a grenade launcher now.

GORILLA GEORGE

But so did the army, along with bullets and missiles and bombs and none of that was able to even give the monsters a heat rash.

THE ROCK

Yes but the army made the crucial mistake of using those weapons while not being The Rock.

It's a full on monster brawl: THE ROCK AND GEORGE vs DIREWOLF AND DINO CROC.

DIREWOLF

(hit with grenades)

Ow! These hurt now that The Rock is firing them!

THE ROCK

Toldja!

DIREWORLF

Ah, but check out my sick new squirrel glider powers!

(flies around)

DINO CROC

And check out my even cooler ability of having a huge wide open mouth!

Sunlight gleams off of THE ROCK's glistening triceps and blinds DIREWOLF.

DIREWOLF

FUUUCK!!

(flies into Dino Croc's mouth)

(is eaten)

DINO CROC

Whoops. He should have known better. A crocodile is going to crocodile. Now, to get me a taste of that juicy Rock meat!

But DINO CROC is suddenly mesmerized by how smooth and shiny THE ROCK's bald head is.

GORILLA GEORGE

(stabs Dino Croc in the eye)

DINO CROC

(is turned into 3,000 pairs of shoes)

THE ROCK

Hooray! George saved the city!

GORILLA GEORGE

If by "saved" you mean "totally fucking destroyed", then yes, I did that. I also pooped everywhere. Just, everywhere. Now I must die ERK!

THE ROCK

It's for the best. I mean do you realize how many wrongful death lawsuits I'd have to deal with? How do I explain to Malin's living relatives that she can't be laid to rest because she's too busy working her way through your large intestine? But you were my best friend and I shall miss you old buddy!

(sheds tear)

GORILLA GEORGE

Gotcha! I ignored the thousands of dead humans surrounding us to make a joke! And you fell for it! You even cried!

THE ROCK

No! That was baby oil in my eyes! Swear!

NAOMIE HARRIS

So what happened to Jake?

THE ROCK

A big piece of debris bludgeoned him to death while Jeffrey watched, and boy oh boy does Jeffrey love watching dudes get bludgeoned to death.

NAOMIE HARRIS

Did Jeffrey lean back and sway while he did it?

THE ROCK

Do you even have to ask?

NAOMIE HARRIS

So, I guess we're dating now.

THE ROCK

WE ARE?!

NAOMIE HARRIS

Yeah. I've been tonging you with my eyes for the entire movie. And come on dude, I'm chocolate Moneypenny, you know you want this. Right George?

GORILLA GEORGE

(does the "doggy style" pantomime)

Okay I don't ACTUALLY do this in the movie but the fact it wouldn't be totally out of character speaks volumes.

GEORGE helps survivors who are surprisingly not pants shittingly terrified of the HUGE GODDAMN MAN EATING GORILLA that was killing people 20 minutes ago.

Then, suddenly, emerging from the rubble is a talentless hack director with a deranged look in his beady eyes.

UWE BOLL

NEIN NEIN NEIN! ZIS MOVIE IZ ZEE FAKE RAMPAGE! I MAKE ZEE REAL RAMPAGE!!! CHANGE ZEE TITLE OR I SUE! I SUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEE

(is squished by George)

GORILLA GEORGE

(is instantly forgiven for all his crimes)

END

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