"X-Men B-Squad, away!"


"X-Men B-Squad, away!"

NICK FURY: AGENT OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. FOREST? THE CINEMATOGRAPHY SEEMS TO BE DELIBRATELY PREVENTING US FROM GETTING A GOOD LOOK

DAVID HASSELHOFF is living in a SPARSELY-FURNISHED, UNDERGROUND BUNKER.

DOLPH LUNDGREN'S PUNISHER

(drumming his fingers)

So... How's that apartment search coming along?

DAVID HASSELHOFF

I just finished hanging up all the "Keep Out" signs! I think they look extra ironic right next to the gaping hole where my front door is.

SUDDENLY, an INTRUDER breaks into DAVID'S BUNKER! DAVID uses his SUPER-SPY SKILLS to slowly walk up to him and PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!

DAVID HASSELHOFF

What do you want!?

INTRUDER

I'm from S.H.I.E.L.D.! We know you turned your back on espionage, but we want to recruit you for one last job!

DAVID HASSELHOFF

No dice! I want your offer to be more cliché than that!

INTRUDER

What if I told you your old enemies were back from the dead?

DAVID HASSELHOFF

More! More clichés!!!

INTRUDER

And they killed maybe your oldest friend!

DAVID HASSELHOFF

That's cliché enough! Let's go!

INT. HELICARRIER (WAIT, REALLY? THE HELICARRIER? THAT'S NOT A COMPLAINT, I'M JUST SURPRISED MARVEL MOVIES WENT THAT WEIRD THIS EARLY)

DAVID HASSELHOFF

So who are my fellow archetypes?

LISA RINNA

I'm your ex-flame you still have chemistry with!

NEIL ROBERTS

I'm the fresh-faced newbie who got top marks at the academy!

TOM MCBEATH

I'm the director who tells you GET BACK IN LINE! YOU'RE A LOOSE CANNON!

RON CANADA

I'm the wacky technician who provides you with gadgets!

DAVID HASSELHOFF

Good, good. But where's the lifelong friend who dies to motivate me at the beginning of the movie?

(beat)

Oh yeah, that's right.

LISA RINNA

We need your experience to stop Hydra, the Nazi terrorist group except for when they're communists or anarchists or just generally evil.

NEIL ROBERTS

Hydra wants to unite every terrorist group under one banner. The IRA, the Mujahideen, the Ku Klux Klan... all the same.

DAVID HASSELHOFF

Right. Let's hop in the jet and get to work!

LISA RINNA

I'm afraid it'll have to wait, the elevator's broken.

DAVID HASSELHOFF

Don't worry, I'll fix it!

(sprays the elevator with bullets)

There! It's working!

LISA RINNA

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!? THE ELEVATOR IS ACTUALLY FIXED! HOW DOES THAT EVEN FUCKING WORK!?

NEIL ROBERTS

The important thing is that the elevator IS fixed. I don't think I could have taken the stairs with this leg cramp.

DAVID HASSELHOFF

A cramp? I can fix that!

(aims handgun)

INT. HYDRA HEADQUATERS

Hydra leader SANDRA HESS NINETIES HAIR is executing a MINION for FAILING her, FAILING HER FOR THE LAST TIME!

NINETIES HAIR

Now that ve have our NEW ULTIMATE VEAPON, I'll show YOU what happens to people who disappoint us!

(beat)

Vith a handgun. I'll show you how ve deal vith people who disappoint us with a handgun. Sorry. I shouldn't have done that ranting about our ultimate veapon beforehand.

LIEUTENANT

(raising hand)

Why are our viewscreens feeding off a maze of pipes?

NINETIES HAIR

Shut up.

EXT. GERMAN SAFEHOUSE

DAVID HASSELHOFF

The last scene got me curious. What IS this ultimate weapon Hydra has acquired?

LISA RINNA

The corpse of their old leader, Baron von Strucker. S.H.I.E.L.D. has been cryogenically preserving it for years.

DAVID HASSELHOFF

Why not just incinerate it?

LISA RINNA

Strucker's corpse contained the Death's Head virus, which could kill millions.

DAVID HASSELHOFF

Again: why not just incinerate it? It's not like at any point do we discuss an antidote we were developing from the virus or something.

DAVID HASSELHOFF meets his fellow agent TRACY WATERHOUSE.

TRACY WATERHOUSE

Our investigation has hit a bit of a snag. Fortunately, I can pick some clues with the telepathic powers I just happen to have and which no one finds remarkable!

DAVID HASSELHOFF

(beat)

I have no idea how I should feel about any of this. Yes, the swinging between ultra-serious spy drama to kooky sci-fi is jarring, but is it really that different from what beloved franchises like James Bond, Spy Kids, or even the Captain America films managed to pull off? I don't know what I should be mocking or even if I should.

INTERPOL AGENT

Well, if you don't like sudden shifts into sci-fi you're going to HATE this next bit.

DAVID HASSELHOFF

What?

INTERPOL AGENT

(decloaks)

SURPRISE! I HAD A HOLOGRAPHIC DISGUISE! I VAS NINETIES HAIR ALL ALONG!

NINETIES HAIR electrocutes DAVID with her brooch.

NINITES HAIR

You just got hit vith twenty thousand volts!

(beat)

How the fuck are you still alive?

(beats up David for a bit)

Fuck it, just gonna poison you.

NINETIES HAIR plants a POISON IVY KISS on DAVID and leaves!

INT. HELICARRIER

DAVID wakes up in SICK BAY.

DAVID HASSELHOFF

Wow, she really sucks at assassinating people.

RON CANADA

Unfortunately, the poison is still going to kill you in seventeen hours, at least according to this MRI/photocopier/fish tank thing.

DAVID goes to clear his head on the HELICARRIER BALCONY.

DAVID HASSELHOFF

Ah... There's nothing like a relaxing smoke 35,000 feet above sea level.

(eyeballs freeze)

LISA RINNA

David, could we talk about old relationship for a few minutes?

DAVID HASSELHOFF

Lisa, this really isn't the time...

LISA RINNA

You broke my heart David!

DAVID HASSELHOFF

That's okay, I can fix it.

(aims gun)

LISA RINNA

(actual line)

You’ve changed. You’re the same jerk I walked out on five years ago.

DAVID HASSELHOFF

...huh?

They go back inside to be confronted by... a TOM MCBEATH ANDROID???

TOM MCBEATH ANDROID

That's right! Hydra meticulously built an android that looked exactly like the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D., made him completely immune to small arms fire, smuggled him into a spy base 35,000 feet in the sky, somehow dressed him exactly like Tom McBeath dressed himself this morning, all so he could... deliver a message! Hail Hydra!

(emits hologram)

HOLOGRAM OF NINETIES HAIR

ATTENTION! YOU HAVE UNTIL 6AM TOMMORROW TO GIVE HYDRA ONE BILLION DOLLARS! OTHERVISE VE VILL UNLEASH THE DEATH'S HEAD VIRUS ON MANHATTAN! DO NOT EXPECT ANY FURTHER COMMUNICATION! SERIOUSLY, THIS ROBOT ATE UP HALF OUR QUATERLY BUDGET!

DAVID HASSELHOFF

Alright, I'll take Neil Roberts and Tracy Waterhouse (remember her?) and fly over to your base to stop you.

REAL TOM MCBEATH

Um, no. Like hell am I letting you fly an aircraft when your vital organs are liquefying out your-

DAVID HASSELHOFF

Christ, you're an asshole. I guess it's up to us don't-play-by-the-rules bad boys to ditch your orders.

TOM MCBEATH

Why am I the asshole? I don't want to stop the mission, I just want it to be led by someone who's NOT DYING.

DAVID HASSELHOFF

(sticking fingers in his ears)

LA LA LA I'M A RENEGADE BAD BOY LA LA LA!

(leaves)

EXT. MANHATTAN

LISA RINNA is trying to find the TRUCK that HYDRA is transporting the virus.

MISSION CONTROL (V.O.)

Okay, Hydra's truck should be right in front of you.

LISA RINNA

(actual line)

Are you sure this is it? It looks like a garbage truck.

MISSION CONTROL (V.O.)

You're right. It's probably the bright green truck with the big Hydra logo on the side.

LISA RINNA

(beat)

There's no need to be a dick about it.

LISA follows the TRUCK to its location.

INT. HYDRA BASE

DAVID'S TEAM have been shot down and captured by NINETIES HAIR.

NINETIES HAIR

Velcome David. How do you like my Frank N. Furter cosplay? My German accent went so far off the rails the costume department went with "Hammer Horror vampire".

DAVID HASSELHOFF

I think our "Bryan Singer X-Men" cosplay is far superior!

NINETIES HAIR

(actual line)

You bore me Feuhwee.

(beat)

Sorry, turned to Elmer Fudd for a second. Throw them in the freezing room!

But our HEROES escape!

DAVID HASSELHOFF

(collapsing)

Eeerrrrggh. The virus has nearly killed me. I can barely walk.

NEIL ROBERTS

Don't worry sir. You stay here, Tracy and I will stop Nineties Hair.

DAVID HASSELHOFF

No, I've got a better idea. You and Tracy flee the building, I'll fight Nineties Hair by myself.

NEIL ROBERTS

...

DAVID confronts NINETIES HAIR.

DAVID HASSELHOFF

It's just you and me Nineties Hair! At last, a battle to set the screen on fire!

They FIGHT! DAVID slides on his belly towards NINETIES HAIR! NINETIES HAIR slowly turns on one leg and LIGHTLY TAPS DAVID with her FOOT! A SCIENTIST tries to intervene but ACCIDENTLY ELECTROCUTES HIMSELF, somehow sending his WHEELCHAIR FLYING BACKWARDS! NINETIES HAIR swings from a pipe! JUMP CUTS!

NINETIES HAIR

...vhat in God's name are ve even doing? I vas in "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation", I should have more dignity than this. I'm just going to end this here.

(shoots David)

DAVID HASSELHOFF

Uhh... It can't end like this...

(dies)

REAL DAVID HASSELHOFF

(bursting out of nowhere)

...and it won't! It turns out that was just an incredibly lifelike android!

NINETIES HAIR

Vhere the FUCK did you get that!? Did you just pull that entire thing out of your empty eye socket? I just... I can't even...

DAVID HASSELHOFF

Androids are as cheap as Post-It Notes in this universe! Now let me pull this lever which will let in Neil and Tracy, and not unleash the virus or something!

NEIL ROBERTS

Thank God we were so specifically incompetent as to end up cornered against that one sliding panel!

DAVID chains NINETIES HAIR next to the FROZEN CORPSE of her father, BARON VON STRUCKER!

DAVID HASSELHOFF

(actual line)

Your frozen "Pop"-sicle. Get it Andrea? Pop. Sicle?

NINETIES HAIR

(beat)

You're reading that line like Harrison Ford being forced to play Deadpool at gunpoint, and honestly that kind of makes it work.

LISA RINNA (V.O.)

David! I've found the missiles that are going to launch the virus at Manhattan!

DAVID HASSELFHOFF

Great! Have you disarmed them yet?

LISA RINNA (V.O.)

No! I need to enter the "abort" code!

DAVID HASSELFHOFF

Have you tried shooting it? That usually works.

NEIL ROBERTS

Have you tried simply taking the missiles out of their launchers? Sabotaging the launch mechanism? Have you just been twiddling your thumbs whilst hoping we call you out of the blue with the code?

TRACY WATERHOUSE

Oh no, if only we had some kind of PSYCHIC to get the code, oh wait that's me conflict over.

The DAY is saved!

NINETIES HAIR

Or is it? For you see my father's cryogenic chamber... is also a SUPER TOBOGGAN!

NINETIES HAIR manages to escape from DAVID HASSELHOFF in her ROCKET-POWERED CORPSE TOBOGGAN and WOW that was NOT A SENTENCE I EVER EXPECTED TO TYPE.

TRACY WATERHOUSE

David S. Goyer wrote this. I just... feel that needed to be pointed out.

INT. HELICARRIER

DAVID HASSELHOFF

Lucky I snagged that antidote from Nineties. It's good to be alive!

TOM MCBETH

David! For stealing an airplane and jeopardising everyone in Manhattan, I'm court-martialling-

(punched out)

DAVID HASSELFHOFF

Ha! Now I'm DEFINITELY not going to prison!

LISA RINNA

I'm just glad you didn't shoot him, honestly.

DAVID HASSELFHOFF

You know, for all its flaws, this TV movies was kinda charming. Once we get picked up by a major network, I'm sure we could spin this into-

(TV movie bombs)

Aw fudge.

LISA RINNA

Don't despair David. Yeah, this movie sank out of public consciousness almost instantly, but in ten years there's going to be something called the Marvel Cinematic Universe. SHIELD, helicarriers, and Nick Fury will all become worldwide icons, loved by millions of fans. Even if we didn't launch it ourselves, someday the whole world will be lit up by what we hoped to accomplish.

DAVID HASSELHOFF

That's... rather sentimental for an abridged script.

LISA RINNA

It's our 20th anniversary. We deserve a little sentiment. Happy anniversary everybody!

END

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