"SURPRISE! I'm actually NOT a decorative floor lamp!!"


"SURPRISE! I'm actually NOT a decorative floor lamp!!"

FRANKENSTEIN (1910)

The Very Abridged Script

FADE IN:

TITLE CARD: FRANKENSTEIN, A LIBERAL ADAPTATION FROM MRS. SHELLEY'S FAMOUS STORY, FOR EDISON PRODUCTIONS. AND BY "LIBERAL", WE MEAN IN THE SENSE THAT "HOT TUB TIME MACHINE" IS A LIBERAL ADAPTATION OF "THE ILIAD".

INT. FRANKENSTEIN DEPARTS FOR COLLEGE

Spiffily dressed AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS is lounging with his fiancee MARY FULLER.

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

I say what, I'm almost forty fucking years old and also which way is college?

MARY FULLER

(pointing)

Just offstage darling! Goodbye! Goodbye!

(waves)

INT. TWO YEARS LATER FRANKENSTEIN HAS DISCOVERED THE MYSTERY OF LIFE. GOTTA SAY, THAT'S QUITE THE ACCELERATED CURRICULUM YOU'VE GOT THERE FRANKY

AUGUSTUS sits intently at college, attempting to discover the mystery of life, despite the TITLE CARD having used the PAST TENSE of "DISCOVERED", like HOLY FUCK SPOILER ALERT DUDES.

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

The mystery of life must be around here somewhere, I say what's this A SKULL! That's it, LIVING animals have SKULLS! By God I've solved the essence of creation, or perhaps I'm having a stroke! Ha ha ha!

(flails arms)

INT. JUST BEFORE THE EXPERIMENT

AUGUSTUS paces fretfully but then decides to write a LETTER!

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

(writing)

Sweetheart, I've discovered how to create life, by the power of a grey skull! In a few hours, I will bring to life the MOST PERFECT HUMAN BEING EVER, it shall be 100% the most beautiful awesome human making all others obsolete, disgusting, and useless!

(pause)

Oh then I'll be back to marry your pathetic regular human ass I guess.

AUGUSTUS briefly toys with the idea of becoming an ORCHESTRAL CONDUCTOR instead but then gets back to work!

INT. INSTEAD OF A PERFECT HUMAN BEING, THE EVIL IN FRANKENSTEIN'S MIND CREATES A MONSTER

AUGUSTUS prepares a MIXTURE in his lab next to a HUMAN SKELETON.

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

Using this plaster of Paris, along with a dash of salt and pepper I shall.. CREATE LIFE!!! Plus I've lined up an actor named "Charles OGLE" to play my creation so he's sure to be a total looker, amirite?!?

He throws the SPECIAL GOOP into the CAULDRON, and witnesses through a safety window as the MONSTER begins to FORM...

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

Ha ha, yes, here he comes!

...and keeps SLOWLY BEGINNING to TAKE FORM... and continues FORMING...

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

Damn dude this whole movie is only 12 minutes long, let's hurry this shit up.

...and begins FLAPPING ONE ARM USELESSLY like some kind of TOXIC-WASTE KERMIT THE FROG...

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

Maybe I should have used the skeleton.

...and FINALLY appears to be COMPLETE and looks like TOTAL DOGSHIT!!

CHARLES OGLE

Yes it's me. Most perfect human ever, huh? I look like the unholy spawn of Gritty and Riff Raff cosplaying as Sweetums the Muppet Ogre, and I can say that since this print was remastered in 2018 so fuck you.

INT. FRANKENSTEIN APPALLED AT THE SIGHT OF HIS EVIL CREATION

AUGUSTUS flees to his bedchambers in sheer appalledness!!

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

Oh my hair! My hair!

(collapses)

CHARLES OGLE

(poking head through curtain)

Hey can we talk? I was wondering what my official status is... like are you my legal guardian, can I own property, do I need to register to vote, that kind of thing.

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

AAIEEEE SUCH TERROR

(falls off bed)

BUTLER

(entering)

Right wot's all this then?! Blimey! Let me pat your head all better Augustus. There there.

INT. THE RETURN HOME

AUGUSTUS walks back onto the first set exactly from where he left.

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

I'm back from college, what, and everything is jolly top what good upper lip show what.

MARY FULLER

Splendid! And here to welcome you back is a time-travelling Anthony Hopkins impersonator.

ANTHONY HOPKINS IMPERSONATOR

(waves)

INT. HAUNTING HIS CREATOR AND JEALOUS OF HIS SWEETHEART. FOR THE FIRST TIME THE MONSTER SEES HIMSELF

AUGUSTUS sits down to read next to his favourite GIANT MIRROR, sure that the whole MONSTER situation must have resolved itself by now.

MARY FULLER

(entering)

I say shall we snuggle what what?

(earns 1910 equivalent of NC-17 rating)

After AUGUSTUS and MARY finish STEAMING THINGS UP, MARY leaves the room and CHARLES just sort of walks in.

CHARLES OGLE

Ah yes, "haunting" my Creator the way Joey "haunted" Chandler. So how's it going?

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

NOOOO! AWAY WITH THEE! NOOOOO

CHARLES OGLE

It's just, if I could maybe crash on your couch while I get things sorted out?

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

Fuck, at least hide while I get rid of Mary!

CHARLES OGLE

Oh we're getting rid of Mary Shelley all right, wait till you see the ending...

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

CEASE YOUR POST-MODERN PRATTLING, O MOST WICKED CREATURE

(crams Charles behind curtain)

(ushers Mary out of house)

Now, let us discuss your situation! This shall require a complex, heated argument of ethics!

CHARLES OGLE

Dude it's fucking 1910, all we can do is wave our arms around! What the fuck!

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

Not true, we can also visually dramatize our moral struggle through physical manifestation!

CHARLES OGLE

(blinks)

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

That is to say IT'S CLOBBERING TIME, FUCKBRAINS

They have a huge epic ONE-SECOND-LONG FIGHT that abruptly halts as CHARLES finally spots the ENORMOUS BIG-ASS MIRROR RIGHT NEXT TO HIM!

CHARLES OGLE

(freaking out)

HOLY SHIT A PANE OF GLASS THAT SIZE MUST WEIGH A THOUSAND TONS, PLUS IT'S WAY BIGGER THAN THE DOORWAY, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN GET IT IN HERE AAIIEEEEE

(flees)

INT. ON THE BRIDAL NIGHT. FRANKENSTEIN'S BETTER NATURE ASSERTING ITSELF. I GUESS "BETTER NATURE" WAS THE SLANG THEY USED BACK THEN

AUGUSTUS and MARY bid goodnight to their GUESTS.

WEDDING GUESTS

Oh what what jolly show good what top jolly lip good what

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

I dare say it is so smashing to be married! I must express my joy in semaphore code!

(does so)

Now Mary, off to bed with you while I walk... over here? Why am I

(leaves)

At that point CHARLES enters, and heads... to the BEDROOM! AUGUSTUS returns just as MARY rushes out, followed by CHARLES!

CHARLES OGLE

Guys I can explain, I got you a really nice vase and wanted to give it in person, I thought you were both in there.

AUGUSTUS AND MARY

AAIEEEE NOOOO YOU HIDEOUS BEEEAST

CHARLES OGLE

Okay FINE, I can take a fucking hint.

(smashes vase)

The vegetarian option SUCKED by the way.

(leaves)

INT. THE CREATION OF AN EVIL MIND IS OVERCOME BY LOVE AND DISAPPEARS, SHIT, REALLY?!? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN BUT OKAY

CHARLES rushes back into the study with the gigantic MIRROR.

CHARLES OGLE

Oh so maybe you think we can't do shit in 1910 but CHECK THIS OUT, I'M GONNA VANISH but my REFLECTION IS NOT GONNA VANISH, FUCK YOU!

AUGUSTUS PHILLIPS

And now I'M gonna watch the REFLECTION vanish and be replaced by MINE! EAT SHIT FUTURE SNOB ASSHOLES!

MARY FULLER

Yep for 1910 that's a pretty decent effect. Fuck, it's better than some direct-to-Amazon-Prime movies in 2018 can manage. Shame we couldn't do Shelley's book more justice though...

MARY SHELLEY

(appearing)

It's okay, the important thing is that you got the ball rolling. Now, cinema-goers of the future can look forward to continually improving, ever-more-sophisticated adaptations of Frankenstein!

(scrolls through IMDB)

FFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

THE END

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