Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Aug 4th, 2009 |
73 Comments
| Movie: 
Quiz time! Single frame from the movie, or every frame layered on top of each other?
FADE IN:
EXT. SHANGHAI, CHINA
JOSH DUHAMEL and TYRESE GIBSON lead a team of POLYGONS into battle.
JOSH DUHAMEL
Alright everyone, we’re here to capture two Decepticons in hiding. I just need about 40 seconds of dialogue to explain what’s going on before we can–
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
TOO LONG LETS MAKE STUFF EXPLODE NOW OKAY
SOME GOOD POLYGONS are rendered into the same frames as BAD POLYGONS while FOLEY ARTISTS smash pots and pans together next to microphones.
TYRESE GIBSON
Damn, one of the Decepticons is getting away! I’ll send the film’s version of Jar Jar Binks after it!
SKID
Sheeeeit muddafucka, bitches be straight trippin’.
TYRESE GIBSON
No. Don’t do any more of that.
MUDFLAP
I gots ta get me some watermelon and fried chickin!
TYRESE GIBSON
NO NO NO NO. This kind of crap can’t exist in a movie released on 2009, it just can’t.
SKID
Anyone gots any grape Kool-aid ta wash dis here down?
TYRESE GIBSON
STOP STOP STOP STOP! YOU ARE DESTROYING MY BRAIN’S MODEL OF THE WORLD! THIS CANNOT EXIST, STOP IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
SKID and MUDFLAP stop the DECEPTICON from escaping while BILL COSBY looks on disapprovingly.
JOSH DUHAMEL
Alright, the other Decepticon is getting away now, so we’ll go ahead and unleash Peter Cullenbot. Why we didn’t do this sooner is as much a mystery to me as anyone, so don’t bother asking.
PETER CULLENBOT catches up to the DECEPTICON and destroys it.
PETER CULLENBOT
That was great, I’m so glad that humans and Autobots can work together openly.
JOSH DUHAMEL
No, we’re a covert team. Top secret.
PETER CULLENBOT
Covert? I just lava-sworded a giant robot in the middle of a highly crowded city. How the hell can you justify the notion that we’re top sec–
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
OKAY ENOUGH ROBOTS FOR NOW LETS GO LOOK AT MEGAN FOX’S ASS FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND THEN WE CAN BLOW MORE STUFF UP OKAY
INT. WHATEVER
SHIA LEBOUF talks to BUMBLEBEE.
SHIA LEBOUF
I’m going off to college, and I just want to be a normal kid with a normal life, because if there’s one thing any teenager would hate it’s to be the transforming-robot-owning savior of the planet. I just want my degree in Communications!
MEGAN FOX
Hey Shia. I just finished fixing up a motorcycle while strattling it in short shorts and came right over.
SHIA LEBOUF
Jesus Christ, will you just do Playboy already? The audience is losing interest in you. You have toe thumbs and they can watch a chick shove a baseball bat up her puss on the internet. Sideways.
SHIA’S PARENTS annoy their way into the movie. They make some uncomfortable references to having intercourse and show that their dogs are also having intercourse. This is all very FUNNY.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
LOOK I’M A COMEDIAN NOW OKAY LETS GO TO SHIA’S NEW COLLEGE THERE ARE HOT GIRLS THERE
SHIA goes to COLLEGE where he discovers the entire freshman class is made up of SUPERMODELS, largely due to the existence of a large number of supermodels willing to sleep with MICHAEL BAY to get nonspeaking parts in the movie.
RAMON RODRIGUEZ
Hey, I’m your new roommate. Coincidentally, I believe the government is covering up the existence of giant transforming robots. Take a look in my base of operations.
SHIA LEBOUF
This is supposed to be a dorm room, right? I know Wikipedia says Michael Bay went to college, but I just can’t believe it.
Meanwhile…
EXT. OUTER SPACE
FRANK WELKERBOT wraps his NOT-A-TAPE-PLAYER around a satellite to do ROBOT STUFF with it.
FRANK WELKERBOT
I have detected that Shia has been imprinted with a MacGuffin on his brain. You must retrieve it now that you have escaped the nearly worthless prison the humans made for you, Hugo Weavingbot.
HUGO WEAVINGBOT
Why the hell do you sound like Dr. Claw?
(checks IMDB)
Holy shit, you ARE Dr. Claw! That’s awesome!
TONY TODDBOT
You must avenge me, Hugo. Capture Shia and remove his brain from his skull.
HUGO WEAVINGBOT
To get access to the special codes that will allow us to harvest Energon using the sun?
TONY TODDBOT
What? No, I’ve just seen the guy in a lot of movies and I consistently want to crack his skull open and smash his brains. There’s no way that’s just me.
INT. WHATEVER
SHIA LEBOUF is seduced by a creepy hot girl, ISABEL LUCAS.
SHIA LEBOUF
Oh no, a hot girl has pinned me down and kissed me! I sure hope Megan Fox doesn’t walk in!
MEGAN FOX
(walking in)
Shia, I absolutely cannot believe this!
SHIA LEBOUF
I know, I can’t believe how unoriginal Michael Bay is either!
ISABEL transforms into a ROBOT.
SHIA LEBOUF
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What in the living fuck is the point of transforming into cars if you guys can just transform into people? Is this franchise just going to merge with the Terminator franchise or something?
ISABEL LUCAS
Impossible, the world doesn’t even have enough balls to suck for that.
SHIA, MEGAN, and RAMON escape from ISABEL only to be found by HUGO WEAVINGBOT. PETER CULLENBOT tries to rescue them.
PETER CULLENBOT
Hurry up and get out of here! We’ll save millions on CGI if the animators don’t have to work a single live-action element into the scene!
PETER CULLENBOT fights an onslaught of DECIPTICONS, which all look nearly identical, giving the impression that PETER CULLENBOT kills HUGO WAVINGBOT like fifty times. Eventually this turns out not to be the case as HUGO kills PETER.
PETER CULLENBOT
Shia, you must find Mark Ryanbot. He is old and has a transforming robot cane because this movie insists on each scene being stupider than the last.
(dies)
SHIA LEBOUF
Shit, how am I ever supposed to find Mark Ryanbot? I checked the next page of the script but it turned out to just be a drawing of a penis ejaculating onto a pair of poorly drawn breasts. And it says “I like bubs” under it.
MEGAN FOX
We can ask the tiny Decepticon I captured earlier. Okay Wheelie, tell me–
RAMON RODRIGUEZ
Wheelie? This movie has fucking Wheelie? The most annoying transformer?
MEGAN FOX
Don’t worry, he’s nothing at all like the Wheelie from the cartoon.
RAMON RODRIGUEZ
Well thank goodness for that.
WHEELIE
I’m actually more annoying now.
They find MARK RYANBOT, who helpfully explains the rich, detailed mythology of the TRANSFORMERS.
MARK RYANBOT
You must go to Egypt to find the Matrix of Leadership which can be used to unlock the Tomb of Primes and harvest Energon, fuel for Cybertronians I’m sorry if I have to say one more of these stupid fucking lines I’m going to blow my brains out.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
HELP I REALLY WANT A BIG BATTLE IN THE DESERT HOW DO I MAKE THINGS BOOM BOOM ON PYRAMIDS
SHIA LEBOUF
Dude, we’re in Washington, D.C. What are you going to do, teleport us or something?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
PERFECT THAT WORKS OLD TRANSFORMERS HAVE THE POWER OF TELEPORTATION NOW OKAY
SHIA LEBOUF
Wait, no, don’t–
EXT. EGYPT
SHIA LEBOUF
–god dammit.
SHIA is joined by TYRESE, JOSH, and all of the POLYGONS FROM EARLIER. Suddenly DEVASTATOR starts to form!
JOSH DUHAMEL
Oh my God, it’s Devastator! Considering the fact that he’s taking fifteen minutes to fully form, there must be an epic battle coming up!
One of the RACISMBOTS kills it before it can do anything cool.
TYRESE GIBSON
So much for that. We’re going to need that little skidmark Shia to revive Peter Cullenbot so the movie can get interesting again.
JOSH DUHAMEL
Man I wish someone would just crack that kid’s skull open and smash his brains.
SHIA LEBOUF
Alright, I’ll revive Cullenbot after I take a quick trip to robot heaven and talk to some Transformer ghosts.
MEGAN FOX
What’s sad is that anyone reading this Abridged Script that hasn’t seen the movie will just think that’s some kind of weird joke they don’t get. It’s not. That description is brain-meltingly accurate.
SHIA takes 45 minutes to revive CULLENBOT who proceeds to kill WEAVINGBOT and TODDBOT in ten seconds.
RAMON RODRIGUEZ
This sucks! I’m absolutely appalled that Michael Bay isn’t taking the source material seriously!
MEGAN FOX
By “source matrial,” you mean the 30 minute advertisements for toys, right?
SHIA LEBOUF
This is kind of depressing. I mean, has our society truly reached a point where we find two-and-a-half hours of giant robots fighting each other entertaining?
MICHAEL BAY
WE SURE HAVE LETS GET STARTED ON TRANSFORMERS 3: THE EXPLOSIONS OF THE PYROTECHNICS
END
I just wanted to grab the primary comment spot. I have nothing of interest to say about the film.
August 4th, 2009 at 2:07 pmMy god, I want to kill Michael Bay. He has made a mockery out of cinema.
Thank you Rod for another hilarious script.
August 4th, 2009 at 2:34 pmAwesome. I love the scene where Megan Fox straddles the bike in the most provocative way imaginable. But she shouldn't do playboy, she's too hot for that. Best to let the imagination play with that. But great job on the script!
SO… Where are the HP abridged scripts? Still waiting!!
August 4th, 2009 at 2:46 pmThis movie was too dumb to make fun of completely. You were only able to scratch the surface. Still a great job though.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:04 pmBoth HP scripts are being posted soon.
You can actually mouse over the titles in the coming soon area for a tooltip. If the script has a post date, it shows there.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:06 pmThanks Rod! You took what I think is the worst movie ever made, and simply made it that much worse.
Seriously, why do people love this crap?
They say it’s for the robot action, but there was only a few robot scenes and most of it was robots shooting at each other.
Then they say Megan Fox. But you could simply scroll through the internet for something to eyefuck.
The only thing I see entertaining people is the comedy which caters to the lowest form of people.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:26 amWhen I was watching this atrocity I kept thinking: this one is really gonna put Rod Hilton's ass to work. I'm glad to see you survived.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:04 pm[...] Another bit of funny from Rod Hilton. [...]
August 4th, 2009 at 11:08 amIs that picture really a single frame the movie? It is a single frame from the movie, isn't it?
Fuck.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:23 pmSaw it for free. Still wasn't worth it. This made it a little better, though (but it's "straddle", not "strattle").
My single-sentence review: If you don't think about it too hard, it's not THAT offensive.
August 4th, 2009 at 6:34 pmyou know, this was the first movie that really made me feel like it was so bad that it hurt me. when i left the theater i felt violated and sickened. you could write another 5 scripts about all the terrible stupid shit that was in this movie, like when shia dies and goes to robot heaven, or when they say "shanghai has been evacuated" then cut to the city being full of people while robots fight in it, or when shia's already annoying mom gets high and it's supposed to be funny but it drags on and on and it's irritating and stupid and painfully unfunny.
i've seen plenty of terrible movies but transformers 2 is by far the worst film i've ever seen. the worst part was that when it was over i felt like throwing shit at the screen, but then a row full of kids who were around 13 actually gave the film a standing ovation.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:12 pmMy personal favorite scene was when Shia "died" and showed up in robot heaven so Optimus Prime's grandparents could tell him to save Optimus Prime. Robot heaven.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:16 pmLike manugon, the only enjoyment I had watching this was looking forward to reading this a month later. Great job, but it was a little too easy to make fun of. I forgot about the f***ing cane lol.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:38 pmthe pacing of this movie was atrocious…it seemed like a person high on crack just kept whacking their head onto the edit button rapidly at high speeds and that's how the film was edited..it was literally, literally, audience abuse. That's all I could think of while watching this (I watched it for free- thankfullyI wont explain the background on that)
.
seriously, Michael Bay has the worst, worst, worst sense of pacing of ANY director in the history of film, television, or any other visual medium that exists in human life as we know it.
I get the general, vauge drift- Michael Bay seems to think his movie "ROTF" is some sort of direct link /offspring, etc to another more famous movie, The Matrix. He even copies the scene where the creature was put into Neo to track him, excpet this time it's Shia Lebouf's brain…But Bay kept the creature looking almost EXACTLY the same… (PART 2 BELOW)
August 4th, 2009 at 8:10 pmWhen Michael Bay keeps moving his frickin camera around and cutting cutting cutting cutting, I think he imagines that he is doing like an equivellant of the scene where Neo fights Morpheus in the kung fu room-the fast punches, the flips, the slowing down of time for certain moments, etc, etc… the problem is, what Michael Bay doesnt understand are things like camera placement, the 180 rule, composition, dramatic pacing, spacial relations in fight scenes, or really any of the above… Therefore, teh Wachowski brothers, at least in that classic action sci-fi film, knew how to take fast paced action and make it make sense. When the original film "The Matrix" came out, the Wachowskis had made a very new style of film. Michael Bay, unfortunately, has ALSO made a "new" type of "film"…… I love film, and while I am totally absolutely NOT as cynical as the guy who writes for this website, I also SINCERELY HOPE that newer directors who come up do NOT FOLLOW Bay's absolute disregard for art, entertaimnent, artistic taste, knowledge of directing, etc etc etc…..
This film was Audience Abuse.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:10 pmAnyone notice how the Matrix Of Leadership was in the same tomb as the Holy Grail from Indy 3? Or how about one of the scenes with those huge Egyptian pillars that were in Moonraker?
I'm surprised Michael Bay wasn't able to work in that mansion that was in Commando & Beverly Hills Cop or a chase scene on the hilly streets of San Francisco while he was at it. What a dick.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:25 pmCompared to some of your other scripts, this one is a bit of a let down. I figured you'd have a field day with this movie, but your abridged script does not reach it's full potential.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:53 pmNot as good as the original Transformers script, but still funny. I'm surprised you didn't mention Shia going to Robot Heaven. I mean, just when you think this movie couldn't get any stupider…
August 4th, 2009 at 10:57 pmI watched this movie with the target audience (read: teenagers), and they actually clapped at the end. Clapped.
I weep for the future.
August 5th, 2009 at 1:33 am"Quiz time! Single frame from the movie, or every frame layered on top of each other?"
You kidding? That's way too sparse. It's probably a close-up of a frame. Probably a blowup of the dot on the "i" when "Shia Lebauf" appears during the opening credits.
August 5th, 2009 at 2:21 amWow, the movie wasn't that bad. The plot, yes, utterly ridiculous. But it's based on a children's cartoon, that's based on children's toys, about giant transforming alien robots. What do you expect? The action was great, a couple of shots were really incredible. It also made me laugh at times. In the end, I enjoyed it quite a lot. I like the way Bay films action. Bad Boys 2 and the Island both had great car chases in them. I like the way he blows stuff up to. Even Spielberg has said that nobody does action like Michael Bay. Also, Michael Bay didn't write the script, geniuses. I'm glad this movie did well. Can't wait to see what Michael does next.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:32 am"I like bubs" made me laugh hard enough to make enemies of the sleeping people in this building. This is a particularly great one all-around.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:33 amPerhaps it's part of some complex sociological experiment-
No. Bay is just a cunt.
August 5th, 2009 at 5:37 amIm never gonna watch this movie. I saw the first one and it was terrible, and this one sounds even worse. I love this script tough. Good job.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:06 amHUGO WEAVINGBOT: Why the hell do you sound like Dr. Claw? (checks IMDB) Holy shit, you ARE Dr. Claw! That’s awesome!
HAHAHAHAHA! Best bit of the sceipt! This movie redefined SHIT.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:22 am[...] This post was Twitted by inteligensia [...]
August 5th, 2009 at 7:30 amAgree with pots and pans comment, I think ear plugs should have been an option at the ticket booth. It would have also saved us from the dialouge.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:04 pmHeres my take on it, I don't review as much as Rod Hilton but hope people like it and would appreciate comments.
http://purpleslinky.com/humor/satire/transformers...
The prequel comics from IDW did, in fact, have a scene where they hunt Decepticons in San Francisco. I seem to recall them actually making a kill on the Golden Gate bridge (although I've never been to SF, so maybe it's a different bridge). Hell, they even repeated the "kill the Decepticon in vehicle mode so we can save on effects" in that battle, despite being a *comic book*.
Then again, the movie designs translate horribly into the comics. But I'm sure the comic storylines (that aren't tied in to the movies) would work well on the big screen, if Michael Bay was kept the hell away from them.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:31 pmBay does have a big influence on the script, though. Two of the three writers on this wreck wrote Star Trek, but they admit that they try to write the script that the director wants – and these guys seem to have a pretty good handle on what Michael Bay wants. Also, after the writers' strike, they had to write a script around the action setpieces that Bay had already started working on during the strike.
Shia's line before teleporting to Egypt probably matches what the writers thought there. They were basically paid to fill in the gaps between the scenes Michael Bay was going to film whether they were in the script or not.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:39 pmThat's okay Lucian, it just means you have terrible taste. Lots of people do, and are perfectly capable of living sub-par, mediocre lives.
You are free to view and enjoy whatever you want, but let real men review the movies.
August 5th, 2009 at 5:11 pmOh that was great. Rod, I am shocked you didn't rip apart that one scene of "robot heaven"
August 5th, 2009 at 7:13 pmIt was so painstakingly stupid it probably suppressed itself in your mind.
Michael Bay's dialogue in the script had me literally crying from laughing so hard.
August 5th, 2009 at 7:20 pmTHANK YOU!!! You are the MAN!
August 6th, 2009 at 3:07 amThere is the first draft, and then there is the director's draft. To make things simpler for you, the script in the end is edited for the director's taste. That's how action movies are made, genius.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:11 pmWhy are some people complaining about this script? It's great!
August 6th, 2009 at 12:33 pmI had not seen the movie so I knew not of Robot Heaven…that's just…wow…
See y'all next year for Transformers 3: Passion of the Robot Jesus!
hmmm….
You know, now that I think about it, I guess that could just read Transformers 3: Passion of Optimus Prime.
August 6th, 2009 at 3:10 pmUm, Shia goes to "Robot Heaven"? I haven't seen the movie, but… Robot Heaven?
I almost don't believe any of you. No fucking way that actually happened.
August 6th, 2009 at 8:50 pmI've been waiting for this ever since the movie came out.
August 6th, 2009 at 9:08 pm[...] Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Twilight, Star Trek, Angels and Demons [...]
August 6th, 2009 at 5:30 pmOne of the better scripts in my opinion. Have laughed a lot.
August 8th, 2009 at 12:01 pmA funny thought crossed my mind a few days ago regarding Michael Bay. What if he had to direct something serious like Passion of the Christ for example? How would that look like? Jesus with kalaschnikov as some revolutionary? Nothing would be impossible if there can be a robot heaven. Like seriously – robot heaven? Omg.
The wierdest part of the movie was when Megan Fox is straddling the motorbike wearing hot pants. Think about it, there's only three beings in the motorcycle shop at that point; her DAD, her DAD'S 40 YEAR OLD FRIEND, and her DOG. Who is she trying to impress? Shia can't see her. The least disgusting conclusion you could reach is that Megan Fox likes 40-year-old men who work in bike shops.
August 8th, 2009 at 7:05 pmAnd how can Orion's belt point to anything? It's constantly moving. The only star that can point to something is the North Star, because it doesn't fucking move. How difficult is this to understand?
Lastly, Shia's roomate is a freshman. We see him on the first day of school. How did he decorate his dorm room so quickly and set all those computers up?
I'm not even going to mention Robot Heaven, that's just to stupid to make fun of.
-Lucien Warren
Michael Bay DID write the script. He said so during the last writer's strike. Something like "Some silly little strike doesn't keep me from working." So he's doubly responsible for the quality of this film. And Spielberg hasn't been in full possession of his faculties for a long time. FUCK HIM.
August 9th, 2009 at 2:13 amI'm surprised you didn't comment on this movie's greatest fundamental flaw. Michael Bay expects us to believe that the Transformers need to blow up the sun to sustain their birthing chambers or whatever, but they can resurrect the freaking dead using a handheld device powered solely by Shia Lebouf's courage.
August 9th, 2009 at 8:35 pmWhy do people watch this fucking garbage?
When I was 13,14 I watched Indiana Jones. Now thàt was a movie. Lots of action, and a story and truly funny scenes as well.
Fuck you, Michael Bay. Fuck you and fuck your parents.
August 9th, 2009 at 11:03 pmyou guys keep spelling the poor guy's name wrong. Be polite and spell it right, please?
It's "Shit lebarf."
Please get it right.
August 10th, 2009 at 6:06 amDIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
HELP I REALLY WANT A BIG BATTLE IN THE DESERT HOW DO I MAKE THINGS BOOM BOOM ON PYRAMIDS
SHIA LEBOUF
Dude, we’re in Washington, D.C. What are you going to do, teleport us or something?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
PERFECT THAT WORKS OLD TRANSFORMERS HAVE THE POWER OF TELEPORTATION NOW OKAY
SHIA LEBOUF
Wait, no, don’t–
EXT. EGYPT
SHIA LEBOUF
–god dammit.
That is utterly brilliant. Monitor meet coffee.:D
August 10th, 2009 at 1:21 pmI was hoping for a Robot Heaven segment, but I'm gonna assume this abridged script was paralyzed by rage.
Bay said he wanted a break. Can't wait for part 3!
August 10th, 2009 at 11:28 pmSaw it for free at 2am, I tryed to fall asleep to make it go faster but Micheal Bay makes that close to impossible, every scene I saw I knew the abridged script would be so much better, keep up the good work.
August 12th, 2009 at 6:20 amDude your a fucking idiot. Michael bay is the worst person in the world. the movie sucks dick. The end
August 13th, 2009 at 12:28 amit's true, I wanted to weep when it happened (I'm kind of curious why I didn't) it was soooo bad.
On another note how come you didn't mention the revolving camera Rod? Don't tell me you weren't tempted to throw up due to motion sickness (and bad taste, this happened during a love scene for Shia and Megan and, well let's say I've seen Barbie and Ken dolls that have had better chemistry that that)
August 15th, 2009 at 9:22 pmIt kills me how everyone calls Skid and Mudflap racist. I mean, yeah, I see where they're coming from, but at the same time, if Damon Wayans had voiced those two robots, then they would have been hailed as comic genius.
August 16th, 2009 at 9:59 pmAnother brilliant script. For some reason, it was the constant insertion of "OKAY" into the Michael Bay comments that made me laugh the hardest.
August 18th, 2009 at 2:39 pm[...] Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Twilight, Star Trek, Angels and Demons [...]
August 20th, 2009 at 5:28 pmWait… how is a two and a half hour movie of giant robots fighting a bad thing? I would have loved to see a movie of giant robots fighting! Instead we get a bunch of boring crap about an annoying high school kid lusting after a hot girl, idiotic racial stereotypes, and adults who exist only to be epically stupid. Transformers is supposed to be about giant robots blowing shit up! Only Michael Bay could take that concept and make it this boring!
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:48 pmIn what universe is Damon Wayans EVER considered comic genius? Especially when he just perpetuates the stereotype that keeps our expectations of him low?
August 24th, 2009 at 10:34 pm[...] Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: The Abridged Script – olin unohtanut miten hienoja nää on [...]
August 30th, 2009 at 11:21 pm[...] Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room http://www.the-editing-room.com/transformers2.html – view page – cached FADE IN: EXT. SHANGHAI, CHINA JOSH DUHAMEL and TYRESE GIBSON lead a team of POLYGONS into battle. JOSH DUHAMEL: Alright everyone, we're here — From the page [...]
August 31st, 2009 at 1:18 am[...] at least not anything that made any lasting influence beyond the direct to DVD shelves. ‘Tranformers 2‘, ‘The Taking Of Pelham 1,2,3′ (the trailer of which made me angry for a [...]
September 7th, 2009 at 9:37 am"I just want to be a normal kid with a normal life, because if there’s one thing any teenager would hate it’s to be the transforming-robot-owning savior of the planet." That and banging Megan Fox. Yeah that would suck!
Also, I like how Michael Bay talks in all caps. I wouldn't be surprised if that was true in real life as well.
September 14th, 2009 at 12:51 amLMAO
September 23rd, 2009 at 5:34 amevery body!!! u're just assholes.
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:31 pmOoh, that stings, man. Some brilliant, witty cutting banter right there. By the way, exclamation points don't make you louder on the internet…. Just a little tip there, kid.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:33 pmOh God! Your brilliant critique has shaken me to my very core. I bow before your obviously superior intellect. I'm just going to curl up on my floor and cry now that you've completely wrecked my self-esteem.
September 28th, 2009 at 5:53 pmIt wasn't a movie, it just just a film with clips of stuff blowing up.
September 30th, 2009 at 1:03 amLove it, lol no comments about the battle in egypt lets run to the marines oh wait …. there are tranforming thingies here that can transport us much faster ^^
Well great review :D
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:06 pmIn fairness to Bay, the Robot Heaven thing makes more sense than it's given credit for.
1) These are sentient creatures like us. IF there's a heaven, they can have one too.
2) more importantly, Shia isn't in Heaven, he's IN THE MATRIX. This is no different than when various Transformers went inside the Matrix of Leadership and talked to previous Autobot leaders.
This is the one bit that is semi-faithful to the original vision (though maybe they should have made it more mechanical/metallic or Tron-like) and it's the part that makes everyone groan.
I think of ALL the reasons to not like this execrable cinematic brain destroyer, Sam being inside the Matrix is the least of them.
November 21st, 2009 at 11:38 amYou added stuff I think!
Hooray!
November 30th, 2009 at 9:08 amThis was great. Didn't see the movie — not gonna — and the "Robot Heaven" line actually did make my head explode a little until the next line explaining it, which made me crack up more.
Good, good work.
OKAY NOW WHEN HE PRESSES SUBMIT COMMENT THE COMPUTER GOES KABOOM YEAH THAT'S GOOD
December 11th, 2009 at 2:03 amGood script, but nowhere near as the Dark Knight genius.
December 12th, 2009 at 11:20 amI had to read this again after finally seeing the movie (for free, don't worry). And MAN it was a fucking mess! Beyond my wildest imagination! You can seriously cut out every scene where the Transformers have dialogue and retitle the movie Maximum Overdrive: Egypt and it would be about as coherent.
SOMEBODY DO THAT THIS SECOND
January 13th, 2010 at 1:00 amif there is a "Robot Heaven" would there be a "Robot God" too?
January 13th, 2010 at 1:57 amand if there is a "Robot God", how can two gods exist ,and who would win in a fight?
The picture: definitely one frame. That movie was a mind-fuck of the highest degree.
That being said, if you watch it several times with the subtitles on and mull over it for a while, and look at it as a fantasy rather than sci-fi movie, it's actually not that bad. Provided you're a fantasy fan, that is.
Anyway, look on the bright side: Michael Bay himself admitted that the third movie couldn't possibly be bigger than this one, so who knows – maybe there will be less explosions and more….what's the word….plot!
January 17th, 2010 at 11:09 amTHIS. IS THE BEST THING. THAT I HAVE EVER READ. I GOT NEWMAN'OS CRUMBS ALL OVER MY KEYBOARD (IF YOU THINK NEWMAN'OS ARE LIKE OREOS EXCEPT WITH PAUL NEWMAN'S FACE ON THEM, YOU'RE RIGHT).
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:33 am