Tristan's joy was short-lived - within moments he realized he'd fed Yvaine after midnight.


Tristan's joy was short-lived - within moments he realized he'd fed Yvaine after midnight.

STARDUST

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. THE TOWN OF WALL

CHARLIE COX putters around like a dork, trying to win the heart of SIENNA MILLER.

IAN MCKELLEN (V.O.)

Once upon a time, there lived a young nerd, who lived in a town called Wall, because there was a big wall around it.

AUDIENCE

Well that about does it for me.

Everyone LEAVES.

CHARLIE COX

Oh Sienna, you're so attractive kind of. How I wish I was more manly so that you would leave your one-dimensional fiance for me.

SIENNA MILLER

I'll give you one week to find a shooting star to give me, and I'll marry you instead.

CHARLIE COX

For your love, I would do anything. Love, love, love, love. Love. Gosh, I wish I were more than just a lowly peasant boy.

SIENNA MILLER

Just to be clear, we're not remaking The Princess Bride here, right? Just ripping it off poorly?

CHARLIE goes in search of a falling star for SIENNA, which is very engaging for the remaining AUDIENCE members because SIENNA is so likable and we really hope CHARLIE succeeds.

Meanwhile, evil witch MICHELLE PFEIFFER rips the innards out of a live bunny and evil prince MARK STRONG pushes HIS BROTHER out of a window while he isn't looking.

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

Holy shit, isn't this a kid's movie?

DIRECTOR MATTHEW VAUGHN

No, this is a very mature and accessible fantasy film for everyone, young and old alike.

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

Clearly you haven't been watching the movie so far. The adults in the audience are gnawing on their own wrists.

CHARLIE finds the falling star, which turns out to be CLAIRE DANES.

CHARLIE COX

Holy shit, I can't believe my eyes!

CLAIRE DANES

I know, I know, you're coming face to face with a real star, and you're amazed that we look like human beings.

CHARLIE COX

What? No, I just can't believe you're still in movies. What happened to you?

The two of them slowly make their way back to WALL, so that CHARLIE can FUCK SIENNA MILLER. MARK STRONG and MICHELLE PFEIFFER follow closely behind.

Eventually, MICHELLE PFEIFFER sets up a trap in the form of conjuring an entire hotel, complete with furnishings. For some reason, this magic has a minimal negative impact on her, even though turning some guy into a goat nearly rotted her arm off.

A BUNCH OF STARS

(whispering)

Charlie... be wary of the fake hotel. It's a trap.

CHARLIE COX

Whoa, other stars can talk to me? Well that should make the rest of this adventure easy - just tell me what to do.

A BUNCH OF STARS

Uh, sorry, all we can do is warn you about the one trap. Now that we've progressed the plot awkwardly, we'll be vanishing entirely.

CHARLIE and CLAIRE run into ROBERT DE NIRO playing an OFFENSIVE HOMOSEXUAL STEREOTYPE.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Hellllloooooo! I'm fuh-lamiiiiing!

CHARLIE COX

How embarrassing to meet you. Will you teach me how to look cool and use a sword?

ROBERT DE NIRO

Oooooh! Sure thing darling!

ROBERT embarrasses himself for a while longer. CHARLIE and CLAIRE fall in love with each other and FUCK.

CHARLIE COX

Hmm. I'm obviously in love with Claire now, but while she sleeps I'll leave her a note that implies I'm leaving her. Ripping someone's heart out is always a funny prank.

Surprisingly, this has UNFORTUNATE CONSEQUENCES. CLAIRE gets starnapped by MICHELLE. MARK STRONG and CHARLIE COX find their way to WITCH HEADQUARTERS and confront the evil witches.

MICHELLE PFEIFFER

I will use my magic to break every single bone in your body, Mark Strong!

CHARLIE COX

Even though I know I have a flower that makes me invincible against your magic, I'll hide behind some furniture while you ruthlessly murder Mark, even though I just met him and he may be a great guy for all I know. I'm still the hero of the movie, though.

CHARLIE and CLAIRE kill the FUCKING SHIT out of the WITCHES, including MICHELLE PFEIFFER.

KATE MAGOWAN

Charlie! It's me, your mother! Your father wandered into our magic village and I fucked him silly within the first few minutes of meeting him.

CHARLIE COX

Wow. My mom is a royal slut.

KATE MAGOWAN

You don't know how right you are! I'm the king's last living child, which means that you're the new king!

CHARLIE COX

How original! Well, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Claire Danes. She's a star!

KATE MAGOWAN

What? No she's not. Has she even been in anything since Terminator 3? That movie sucked.

CHARLIE COX

No, a star. Like from the sky.

IAN MCKELLEN (V.O.)

And so, Charlie and Claire ruled the magical land for 80 years, before they eventually went to see Claire's star parents in outer space and Charlie died I guess.

(pause)

Princess Bride sucks.

END

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