Stardust: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Sep 23rd, 2007 |
37 Comments
| Movie: 
FADE IN:
EXT. THE TOWN OF WALL
CHARLIE COX putters around like a dork, trying to win the heart of SIENNA MILLER.
IAN MCKELLEN (V.O.)
Once upon a time, there lived a young nerd, who lived in a town called Wall, because there was a big wall around it.
AUDIENCE
Well that about does it for me.
Everyone LEAVES.
CHARLIE COX
Oh Sienna, you’re so attractive kind of. How I wish I was more manly so that you would leave your one-dimensional fiance for me.
SIENNA MILLER
I’ll give you one week to find a shooting star to give me, and I’ll marry you instead.
CHARLIE COX
For your love, I would do anything. Love, love, love, love. Love. Gosh, I wish I were more than just a lowly peasant boy.
SIENNA MILLER
Just to be clear, we’re not remaking The Princess Bride here, right? Just ripping it off poorly?
CHARLIE goes in search of a falling star for SIENNA, which is very engaging for the remaining AUDIENCE members because SIENNA is so likable and we really hope CHARLIE succeeds.
Meanwhile, evil witch MICHELLE PFEIFFER rips the innards out of a live bunny and evil prince MARK STRONG pushes HIS BROTHER out of a window while he isn’t looking.
MICHELLE PFEIFFER
Holy shit, isn’t this a kid’s movie?
DIRECTOR MATTHEW VAUGHN
No, this is a very mature and accessible fantasy film for everyone, young and old alike.
MICHELLE PFEIFFER
Clearly you haven’t been watching the movie so far. The adults in the audience are gnawing on their own wrists.
CHARLIE finds the falling star, which turns out to be CLAIRE DANES.
CHARLIE COX
Holy shit, I can’t believe my eyes!
CLAIRE DANES
I know, I know, you’re coming face to face with a real star, and you’re amazed that we look like human beings.
CHARLIE COX
What? No, I just can’t believe you’re still in movies. What happened to you?
The two of them slowly make their way back to WALL, so that CHARLIE can FUCK SIENNA MILLER. MARK STRONG and MICHELLE PFEIFFER follow closely behind.
Eventually, MICHELLE PFEIFFER sets up a trap in the form of conjuring an entire hotel, complete with furnishings. For some reason, this magic has a minimal negative impact on her, even though turning some guy into a goat nearly rotted her arm off.
A BUNCH OF STARS
(whispering)
Charlie… be wary of the fake hotel. It’s a trap.
CHARLIE COX
Whoa, other stars can talk to me? Well that should make the rest of this adventure easy – just tell me what to do.
A BUNCH OF STARS
Uh, sorry, all we can do is warn you about the one trap. Now that we’ve progressed the plot awkwardly, we’ll be vanishing entirely.
CHARLIE and CLAIRE run into ROBERT DE NIRO playing an OFFENSIVE HOMOSEXUAL STEREOTYPE.
ROBERT DE NIRO
Hellllloooooo! I’m fuh-lamiiiiing!
CHARLIE COX
How embarrassing to meet you. Will you teach me how to look cool and use a sword?
ROBERT DE NIRO
Oooooh! Sure thing darling!
ROBERT embarrasses himself for a while longer. CHARLIE and CLAIRE fall in love with each other and FUCK.
CHARLIE COX
Hmm. I’m obviously in love with Claire now, but while she sleeps I’ll leave her a note that implies I’m leaving her. Ripping someone’s heart out is always a funny prank.
Surprisingly, this has UNFORTUNATE CONSEQUENCES. CLAIRE gets starnapped by MICHELLE. MARK STRONG and CHARLIE COX find their way to WITCH HEADQUARTERS and confront the evil witches.
MICHELLE PFEIFFER
I will use my magic to break every single bone in your body, Mark Strong!
CHARLIE COX
Even though I know I have a flower that makes me invincible against your magic, I’ll hide behind some furniture while you ruthlessly murder Mark, even though I just met him and he may be a great guy for all I know. I’m still the hero of the movie, though.
CHARLIE and CLAIRE kill the FUCKING SHIT out of the WITCHES, including MICHELLE PFEIFFER.
KATE MAGOWAN
Charlie! It’s me, your mother! Your father wandered into our magic village and I fucked him silly within the first few minutes of meeting him.
CHARLIE COX
Wow. My mom is a royal slut.
KATE MAGOWAN
You don’t know how right you are! I’m the king’s last living child, which means that you’re the new king!
CHARLIE COX
How original! Well, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Claire Danes. She’s a star!
KATE MAGOWAN
What? No she’s not. Has she even been in anything since Terminator 3? That movie sucked.
CHARLIE COX
No, a star. Like from the sky.
IAN MCKELLEN (V.O.)
And so, Charlie and Claire ruled the magical land for 80 years, before they eventually went to see Claire’s star parents in outer space and Charlie died I guess.
(pause)
Princess Bride sucks.
END
Bleh. I never heard of this film, but it was still reasonably funny. Now let’s see Harry Potter spoofed in all its glory.
September 23rd, 2007 at 7:14 pmYeah, that’s about what I thought the film would be like. Guess I can add a note to my movie-minder list : “do NOT let someone talk you into renting “stardust.”
Check.
It sorta looked in the same vein as “El Labyrinto” or whatever, which I unfortunately saw. Too childish for adults to take seriously, but too disturbed to take a child to. WTF? Make up your mind and make one film instead of destroying two different versions with one stone. Or something.
September 23rd, 2007 at 7:24 pmStardust but still no Rush Hour 3? As much as I’m sure Stardust deserved it, RH3 really really does!
September 23rd, 2007 at 7:49 pmBilly,
I don’t think I could even watch Rush Hour 3 long enough to abridge it. The second one made my eyes bleed. Just knowing how much money that worthless windbag Chris Tucker got paid for that movie makes it impossible to sit through.
September 23rd, 2007 at 8:07 pmHm, I hope Rod isn’t TOO tough on the Harry Potter movies because I thought they were all pretty well done (I didn’t care for Prisoner of Azkaban quite as much, but still). Spider-Man 2 really needs one, I watched that again the other day and it was actually worse than I remember. ;) LOL, totally agree with Rod about Rush Hour and Chris Tucker, but I’d still love to see a script for it. Anyway, your stuff is always very entertaining so whatever you write next will surely be worth the wait. :)
September 23rd, 2007 at 10:43 pmRon;
Loved the “Gremlins” reference under the photo(first to say it! In your FACE, all other human beings!!)
Now PLEASE parody that fuckwad of an abortion Star Wars episode of “Family Guy”! Christ on wheels, that sucked!
(Yes, I know you don’t do tv stuff…yet. But holy crap, that episode blew!)
September 23rd, 2007 at 11:02 pmRod;
Sorry…Snow fucked me up.
And that’s just very sad, considering I read his self-correction 8 seconds after reading his first post.
But I do agree with Billy that Rush Hour 3 deserves your personal smackdown…your bleeding eyes be damned.
September 23rd, 2007 at 11:09 pmI can see an abridged script for RH3 now:
CHRIS TUCKER
“BLAH BLAH STERO-TYPICAL BLACK ANGER BLAH BLAH”
JACKIE CHAN
“Holy fuck, why the hell am I in a movie? I’m too goddamn old to do any of the stunts that made me famous, and my acting skills are sub-par on a good day.”
CHRIS TUCKER
“BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH”
and for the record, even the trailers for that shit-fest made me want to tear my own fucking head off.
(i did love jackie’s old movies though)
September 24th, 2007 at 6:11 pm“…a town called Wall, because there was a big wall around it.
AUDIENCE: Well that about does it for me.
Everyone LEAVES.”
Hahahahaha, this was the best thing I’ve read all week. Kudos, Rod.
September 25th, 2007 at 6:26 amI barely got past the MILF witch fucking the guy playing Tristan’s dad within thirty seconds of meeting him. And then the whole rest of the film is about Tristan trying to pork a woman who WON’T sleep with him within thirty seconds. Nice attempt at thematic unity there, guys!
Oh yeah, and this movie has an 8.2 rating on IMDB. People are so, so stupid.
September 25th, 2007 at 3:11 pmPretty bummed that Harry Potter won out over… anything.
September 25th, 2007 at 9:26 pmI managed to sleep through a portion of each of the four or five Harry Potter movies.
September 25th, 2007 at 9:29 pmPlease, NO Harry Potter abridging!! Godawful boring kids franchise, please..
Really, abridged scripts are more funny when people know [and kind of liked, and kind of didn't sleep through most of] the original movie.
Since when is your site a democracy anyway.
September 26th, 2007 at 1:32 amThe Potter reviews so far made me laugh out loud. Can’t wait to see the rest. I loved Stardust, in spite of your cynical abridgement. No surprise there, though. I often like the movies you tear up – doesn’t make the abridged versions any less funny. I must look at your archives for Tarantino. I always wanted to see a parody version of any movie of his (Kill Bill would be cool) that mentioned all the stuff he stole, um sorry, ‘paid tribute to’. After Potter maybe? :)
September 28th, 2007 at 9:51 am“all the stuff he stole, um sorry, ‘paid tribute to’.”
YES, glad I’m not the only one who thinks this about Tarantino! :) Perhaps I’m also not the only one who thinks that Tarantino’s a little twerp who has a thing for killing women in his movies and for anything Asian because Asians are soooooo &^#*!ing cooooool!!one!
Oh to see Lucy Liu in a good movie, just ONCE…
September 29th, 2007 at 9:45 amI actually talked my friends into seeing Stardust first on a double-feature day. They loved it, said it was great. The second feature we decided on? RUSH HOUR 3. They were very much of everyone else’s opinion: “Oh my god, I’m actually in a hate-induced rage. I want to kill EVERYONE.”
And yet these guys saw Transformers and Die Hard 4 as “great movies.”
Meh. It’s all low-balling crap if you ask me. Granted, Jackie Chan can’t turn from a truck into a 10 foot robot and blow up half a city while spouting “Yipee-ki-ayyy mother-” but that’s a minor point.
October 6th, 2007 at 4:48 pmHa. Funny movie. Yeah I didnt like Roberts character. He wasnt even in the original book. I wish it were a bit closer to the book but meh. Whatcha gonna do. Now let’s see American Gods get made into a TV series.
October 7th, 2007 at 10:57 pmLook, the script is funny, but I’m a big femi-nazi, just wanna point out that the dad was just as big a slut. Besides, it’s not like she could date him for six months, she was chained to a damn wagon. You couldn’t expect much in the way of chastity out of me in that particular situation.
October 14th, 2007 at 5:09 pmBearing in mind that I actually like Stardust, this is effing hilarious. Though I did have a “huh?” moment at “CHARLIE and CLAIRE fall in love with each other and FUCK.” before I remembered the inn scene.
October 23rd, 2007 at 6:18 pmRandom_bob:
I wouldn’t call “Pan’s Labyrinth” “too childish for adults to take seriously”. The fantasy sequences were always in the mind of the child – Del Toro intended you to see that. The whole point of the film was to juxtapose the real world with the “fantasy world”, and show that there wasn’t too much difference… one really could be as scary as the other. (And for the record, the little girl’s mother does tell her at one point that she’s “too old to believe in fairy tales”. Or something.)
However, you do have a point, regarding “Labyrinth” and “Stardust”. In a way, they fall into the same trap as Harry Potters 3 to 5, in trying to have it both ways – maintain the excitement and wonder of a summer blockbuster or fantasy film whilst at the same time dealing with more mature, adult themes.
They seem to be made for adults all right – but adults who grew up on Star Wars, comic books and Spielberg, not Coppola, classic literature and Scorsese. The fantasy elements will ring with them for nostalgic reasons, whereas the messages and more fearful moments will make them feel more knowledgeable, like they’re watching a grown-up film. (Which, to an extent, they are.)
Still – I have to give you kudos for daring to lambast 2006’s most obvious critical darling.
November 10th, 2007 at 7:48 amSi –
Yeah, I “got” that aspect of labyrinto, but still – the “realistic” portions were kind of kiddish as well. The Gun shots & wounds? Way unrealistic. Looked like a bad video game interpretation. And whether or not the labyrinth was supposed to be in the girl’s head, I don’t think it diminishes the idea that those scenes are kiddish. I mean, that’s exactly what makes the movie kiddish! I don’t really care that it’s “in her mind,” I still have to watch the crap. And it’s childish so there! PFFFT! :-P
E.T. dealt with adult themes too, but it was kiddish. Free Willy dealt with adult themes too but it was kiddish. It’s how it’s done, it’s what you see that makes it that way. So I stand by my estimation of the film – too childish for adults to take seriously, too graphic to take a kid to.
It wasn’t all bad, I just wish that they’d have lost the “kiddish” charm. It had potential, but if it’s aimed at adults, don’t treat your viewership as children. I hate being talked to like a 3 y/o. Talk to a 3 y/o if you want to talk like that. Shoot en episode of Sesame St.
But, uh, perhaps we shouldn’t delve into that movie any further, seeing as how this is a script for something entirely different.
What was this script for, again? ;-)
November 11th, 2007 at 5:34 amThank you so much for editing this film. It was so bad I couldn’t stop cringing the whole way. Especially the bit about the happy star airbrush glow.
December 5th, 2007 at 5:49 amEven I thought it was bad, and I sat through Pirates 3.
It’s Peter O’Toole’s voiceover, not Ian McKellen. Otherwise, spot on analysis as usual.
January 7th, 2008 at 11:06 am[QUOTE]Tarantino’s a little twerp who has a thing for killing women in his movies…[/QUOTE]
I thought the women in the “Death Proof” part of “Grindhouse” (Death Proof is the part of Grindhouse that Tarantino did; “Planet Terror” [the one with the stripper with the machine gun leg] was done by the guy who did Sin City, even though that had Tarantino in it in a small role) survived. Yeah, they almost got killed by the crazy, misogynistic stunt driver, but they survived and fought back.
January 10th, 2008 at 5:34 pmI hate to be picky Chas, but Ian McKellan is actually the narrator & Peter O’Toole plays the dying/dead King.
By the way Rod, this site is awesome, and I think you’re a genius.
January 29th, 2008 at 7:10 pmSpiderman 3-levels of inane stupidity.
Worst 5 bucks I ever spent on pay-per-view.
February 5th, 2008 at 11:40 amThis was hilarious.
I loved the movie.
Mostly because the book was amazing.
April 9th, 2008 at 2:10 pmthis gave me 2 big laffs –
“Well that about does it for me” (AUDIENCE LEAVES)
&
“Hellooo! I’m fuh-laming!”
so thanks.
April 20th, 2008 at 9:04 amWow, I guess all fantasy rips off The Princess Bride. Because, you know, they did it first back in 1987.
April 25th, 2008 at 2:50 pmhahahaha “Princess Bride sucks”
May 27th, 2008 at 8:05 pmThere is one way this film could be recut and vastly improved – have the new entire five hour length be of Ricky Gervais being stabbed. Over and over.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:22 ami liked this movie. about time somebody made a fairytale-movie again.
August 16th, 2008 at 5:18 pmfairytales can do without basic logic, so stop whining about that.
that was so f’n funny. funniest thing iv seen in a long time. well done.
October 20th, 2008 at 8:14 pmIAN MCKELLEN (V.O.)
Once upon a time, there lived a young nerd, who lived in a town called Wall, because there was a big wall around it.
AUDIENCE
Well that about does it for me.
Everyone LEAVES.
^that was hands down the funniest thing I’ve read on this site so far.
March 16th, 2009 at 4:13 pmBest thing about this movie.
June 6th, 2009 at 12:42 pmRicky Gervais finally shuts the fuck up.
Then he gets killed.
Why can’t that happen in every movie he’s in? (I’m looking at you, Night In The Museum 2)
"How embarrassing to meet you."
lol. I'm gonn have to start using that.
June 29th, 2009 at 11:43 pmIf only this movie was more known………
November 1st, 2009 at 2:22 pmthis would be great as a college show . lol