The Abridged Script
EXT. MIDDLE EAST
Some TOTALLY AWESOME AND BAD ASS MILITARY SHIT flies around ready to fucking kick some fucking ass! JOSH DUHAMEL, TYRESE GIBSON, AMAURY NOLASCO, and ZACK WARD act masculine and spit their lines through clenched teeth.
Man, all of this military shit is starting to give me the creeps.
Because you know that one of these vehicles is going to turn into a murderous gigantic robot?
No, because Michael Bay shoots military scenes the way other people shoot pornos. Is there even a name for a fetish where people get off on army gear?
I can't wait to get out of this generic middle eastern war zone.
Getting back home, enjoying a baseball game and a beer...
...holding my newborn daughter for the first time...
...wasting eight bucks on a Michael Bay noisefest...
Eventually, MICHAEL BAY feels satisfied that he has given these characters enough personality that people will care about them, so it's time for something LOUD!
A HELICOPTER turns into a FUCKING GIANT FUCKING ROBOT and SHOOTS THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING! Nobody important dies, but the robot, BLACKOUT, steals some files.
Roflcopter! I'm in ur networx, haxx0ring ur filez!
INT. HIGH SCHOOL
SHIA LABEOUF gives an oral report on his grandfather to a class of ADULTS pretending to be TEENAGERS.
Yeah, so my great, great grandfather used to be a famous explorer. I'm selling his glasses on eBay. He went crazy, saying he discovered a giant robot buried in the ice.
Excellent expository report, Shia. You crammed in about as much plot-relevant information as possible so that the writers wouldn't have to do anything clever with it. A-.
Great, now I can go buy a car that's actually a robotic alien sent to earth to protect me. It's a good thing the evil robots waited to attack the planet until after I'm old enough to drive.
SHIA finds a yellow '74 Camaro named BUMBLEBEE that he likes solely because there's a black stripe on the car, indicating that SHIA is a moron.
You should buy this car from me, because I'm slimy and fast-talking. Five thousand dollars.
Four thousand - I figure you owe me a thousand from the time I accidentally watched an episode of The Bernie Mac show.
BERNIE refuses to negotiate, but then BUMBLEBEE uses his stereo to completely destroy the windows of BERNIE'S other cars.
Ha, now that's a Camaro with attitude! I assume four thousand is enough now!
My God. My entire inventory. Ruined. I'll never be able to pay for the repairs to all of these vehicles. My business is ruined. You single-handedly just completely destroyed my life. All because I wanted another thousand dollars for the coolest car on the fucking planet.
BERNIE probably goes home and kills himself, but we don't care because we want to see more GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS.
INT. GOVERNMENT AGENCY
JON VOIGHT talks to a group of high school students.
Someone hacked a bunch of our files. We need you high school computer whizzes to help us.
Why high school students?
They're our target demographic. Look, we're not even going to pretend the premise of this movie makes sense. Let it go, we're just trying to sell toys and cars.
A SMALL, TOTALLY OBNOXIOUS ROBOT hacks into the government again, this time from a moving airplane, because COMPUTER NETWORKS are MAGICAL.
I think the obnoxious robot has somehow uploaded a computer virus to the network.
It uploaded a destructive virus to a completely foreign network that is somehow compatible with the virus code? Only Michael Bay would think it was worth ripping off the stupidest part of Independence Day for his own movie.
A GEORGE W. BUSH impersonator asks for some ding-dongs.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
LOOK I'M TRYING POLITICAL HUMOR NOW HA HA OKAY LET'S BLOW SOMETHING UP!
EXT. MIDDLE EAST
The SOLDIERS are walking around in the DESERT when suddenly they are attacked by a GIANT FUCKING ROBOTIC SCORPION.
Oh no, a robotic scorpion! I wonder what kind of vehicle it turns into.
Huh? No, this is all I am. I'm a robotic scorpion. I don't transform.
We're three robots into the movie and we're already inconsistent with the title?
Hey, didn't you get cast as the star of the next Uwe Boll movie? I'll just spare us all and kill you now.
The SCORPION kills ZACK. The remaining soldiers blow up all kinds of stuff and call in planes to blow up more stuff. Eventually one of the things blown up is the ROBOTIC SCORPION. Also a MIDDLE EASTERN guy is unhelpful and picks his nose, because MICHAEL BAY doesn't know the difference between COMEDY and RACISM.
SHIA tries to get into MEGAN FOX'S PANTS.
I'm hot, but I also know about car engines because Michael Bay thinks that the best way to give a character a personality is to have them know something technical.
Guh, you're soft. I'm so glad we have so many classes together.
Classes? I'm supposed to be in high school? I could barely pass for a college student. Is Michael Bay blind?
No, just unbelievably stupid.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
MEGAN HAS NICE TITS LOOK AT THEM! ALRIGHT IT'S TIME FOR SOME FIGHTING NOW!
SHIA discovers that his car turns into a GIANT FUCKING ROBOT. He is chased by a different GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, BARRICADE.
ARE YOU EBAY USER LADIESMAN217?
Holy shit, yes!
I BOUGHT THIS LINKIN PARK CD FROM YOU AND IT'S SCRATCHED. I CAN'T PLAY MY FAVORITE SONG AND IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME A REFUND I'M LEAVING YOU NEGATIVE FEEDBACK!
Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE rescues SHIA. There is a mess of incomprehensible, blurry metal on the screen. We assume robots are FIGHTING and that it KICKS ASS. Shitty buttrock blares as the GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS fight each other.
God, the movie is so cheesy it almost seems like Michael Bay is satirizing his own style.
Eventually, BARRICADE is destroyed, though not enough to prevent it from showing up later in the movie. Also, BUMBLEBEE converts itself into a modern CAMARO.
Wait, transformers can just turn into a completely different machines whenever they want? That completely invalidates the premise. Why does Bumblebee retain aspects of the Camaro when in robot mode if he could just shapeshift into any kind of robot he wants at will?
So that we can sell cars, moron. What do you think the point of the movie is, to explore the human condition? Chevrolet: An American Revolution.
INT. GOVERNMENT AGENCY
RACHAEL TAYLOR visits ANTHONY ANDERSON.
I'm fat! And black! That's fucking comedy gold right there!
Anthony, I need your help.
With figuring out what's hacking into the government computers?
No, I just need character that's even more worthless than me so that I seem relevant to the story.
They fail to figure out what is hacking the computers, then they are locked up in an interrogation room, thereby ensuring that they can't accomplish anything in the movie at all.
More TRANSFORMERS present themselves to SHIA.
I am Peter Cullen, leader of the Autobots. We learned English using the internet.
Didn't you guys just arrive in comets? How did you have internet access?
It's a crime someone as breathtakingly stupid as Michael Bay gets to be so rich.
The TRANSFORMERS and SHIA go to SHIA'S HOUSE.
When your great, great grandfather found evil robot Hugo Weaving in the arctic, he accidentally activated him, which resulted in his location being imprinted on the glasses you tried to sell on eBay. And when I say location, I am referring to the location that Hugo would later be transported to by your government.
I can't believe someone made a movie where the scenes in which gigantic toy robots fight each other are the LEAST ridiculous scenes in it.
The GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS ruin the flower garden and try to avoid being seen by SHIA'S PARENTS.
When did this movie turn into an episode of ALF? Can we get to the part of the movie where robots fight and Michael Bay bukkakes my childhood?
All of the human characters met so far are transported to HOOVER DAM, secret location of HUGO WEAVING.
INT. HOOVER DAM
JOHN TURTURRO introduces himself to everyone.
Hello one-dimensional human characters. I am the leader of an overused film cliche: a secret agency that knew about the giant robots all along. We've been hiding this huge cube, the MacGuffinSpark. It contains energy that turns ordinary electronic and mechanical devices into homicidal robots.
But didn't the MacGuffinSpark also make the autobots? How come they aren't evil?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS IT'S TIME TO BLOW SOMETHING UP!
All of the DECEPTICONS and AUTOBOTS converge for a massive battle. HUGO WEAVING awakens from his robocoma.
Raowwwr! I'm going to kill you, Peter Cullen!
You speak English, too?
Um... 19th century internet?
All of the GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS fight each other as MICHAEL BAY spends his entire special effects budget.
NOTICE HOW ALL OF THE BAD ROBOTS ARE AUTHORITARIAN SYMBOLS LIKE MILITARY AND POLICE VEHICLES WHILE THE GOOD ROBOTS ARE SPORTS CARS AND AMBULANCES? I'M A SUBTLE POLITICAL COMMENTATOR NOW OKAY SO LET'S CRASH THROUGH SOME BUILDINGS!
Why do you protect these humans, Peter? Humans are too violent to live.
This from a guy that used to transform into a pistol?
Look, the 80's were a long time ago. I experimented, okay? I was in college and I thought maybe I could be a gun for a while. It's cool, I'm 100% Alien Jet now.
BUMBLEBEE makes the MacGuffinSpark small enough for SHIA to carry around.
Shia, you have to get to the roof of some building. A helicopter will pick you up and take you to safety.
How? Two of the bad guys are jets and another is a military chopper. Can this helicopter teleport or something?
Michael Bay doesn't know how to direct an action sequence without someone needing to get to run toward something, so you better get moving before the movie gets boring again.
On my way. I don't think I could endure another 20 minutes of robots breaking my lawn furniture.
HUGO WEAVING chases SHIA toward a helicopter that he could easily shoot down once SHIA is on board.
Give me that MacGuffinSpark, boy! With it, I can turn thousands of household items into robots, all of which I could sell as toys! Mwa-ha-ha!
SHIA turns around and points the MacGuffinSpark at HUGO, which kills him.
What the hell? Did you just kill him using the very item he was trying to acquire? How did you know that would work?
I tried to think of the most nonsensical ending the movie could have, and I knew that's what Michael Bay would do.
Everyone decides to sink HUGO rather than DESTROY him for some reason.
PETER CULLEN (V.O.)
We've now made Earth our home. We stay in lame-o vehicle mode all of the time now, watching over humanity, and waiting for the sequel.
Stay through the credits if you want to endure more godawful whiny rock music.