Transformers: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jul 20th, 2007 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
EXT. MIDDLE EAST
Some TOTALLY AWESOME AND BAD ASS MILITARY SHIT flies around ready to fucking kick some fucking ass! JOSH DUHAMEL, TYRESE GIBSON, AMAURY NOLASCO, and ZACK WARD act masculine and spit their lines through clenched teeth.
TYRESE GIBSON
Man, all of this military shit is starting to give me the creeps.
JOSH DUHAMEL
Because you know that one of these vehicles is going to turn into a murderous gigantic robot?
TYRESE GIBSON
No, because Michael Bay shoots military scenes the way other people shoot pornos. Is there even a name for a fetish where people get off on army gear?
ZACK WARD
I can’t wait to get out of this generic middle eastern war zone.
(wistful)
Getting back home, enjoying a baseball game and a beer…
JOSH DUHAMEL
…holding my newborn daughter for the first time…
TYRESE GIBSON
…wasting eight bucks on a Michael Bay noisefest…
Eventually, MICHAEL BAY feels satisfied that he has given these characters enough personality that people will care about them, so it’s time for something LOUD!
A HELICOPTER turns into a FUCKING GIANT FUCKING ROBOT and SHOOTS THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING! Nobody important dies, but the robot, BLACKOUT, steals some files.
BLACKOUT
Roflcopter! I’m in ur networx, haxx0ring ur filez!
INT. HIGH SCHOOL
SHIA LABEOUF gives an oral report on his grandfather to a class of ADULTS pretending to be TEENAGERS.
SHIA LABEOUF
Yeah, so my great, great grandfather used to be a famous explorer. I’m selling his glasses on eBay. He went crazy, saying he discovered a giant robot buried in the ice.
TEACHER
Excellent expository report, Shia. You crammed in about as much plot-relevant information as possible so that the writers wouldn’t have to do anything clever with it. A-.
SHIA LABEOUF
Great, now I can go buy a car that’s actually a robotic alien sent to earth to protect me. It’s a good thing the evil robots waited to attack the planet until after I’m old enough to drive.
SHIA finds a yellow ‘74 Camaro named BUMBLEBEE that he likes solely because there’s a black stripe on the car, indicating that SHIA is a moron.
BERNIE MAC
You should buy this car from me, because I’m slimy and fast-talking. Five thousand dollars.
SHIA LABEOUF
Four thousand - I figure you owe me a thousand from the time I accidentally watched an episode of The Bernie Mac show.
BERNIE refuses to negotiate, but then BUMBLEBEE uses his stereo to completely destroy the windows of BERNIE’S other cars.
SHIA LABEOUF
Ha, now that’s a Camaro with attitude! I assume four thousand is enough now!
BERNIE MAC
My God. My entire inventory. Ruined. I’ll never be able to pay for the repairs to all of these vehicles. My business is ruined. You single-handedly just completely destroyed my life. All because I wanted another thousand dollars for the coolest car on the fucking planet.
BERNIE probably goes home and kills himself, but we don’t care because we want to see more GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS.
INT. GOVERNMENT AGENCY
JON VOIGHT talks to a group of high school students.
JON VOIGHT
Someone hacked a bunch of our files. We need you high school computer whizzes to help us.
RACHAEL TAYLOR
Why high school students?
JON VOIGHT
They’re our target demographic. Look, we’re not even going to pretend the premise of this movie makes sense. Let it go, we’re just trying to sell toys and cars.
A SMALL, TOTALLY OBNOXIOUS ROBOT hacks into the government again, this time from a moving airplane, because COMPUTER NETWORKS are MAGICAL.
RACHAEL TAYLOR
I think the obnoxious robot has somehow uploaded a computer virus to the network.
JON VOIGHT
It uploaded a destructive virus to a completely foreign network that is somehow compatible with the virus code? Only Michael Bay would think it was worth ripping off the stupidest part of Independence Day for his own movie.
A GEORGE W. BUSH impersonator asks for some ding-dongs.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
LOOK I’M TRYING POLITICAL HUMOR NOW HA HA OKAY LET’S BLOW SOMETHING UP!
EXT. MIDDLE EAST
The SOLDIERS are walking around in the DESERT when suddenly they are attacked by a GIANT FUCKING ROBOTIC SCORPION.
JOSH DUHAMEL
Oh no, a robotic scorpion! I wonder what kind of vehicle it turns into.
ROBOTIC SCORPION
Huh? No, this is all I am. I’m a robotic scorpion. I don’t transform.
ZACK WARD
We’re three robots into the movie and we’re already inconsistent with the title?
ROBOTIC SCORPION
Hey, didn’t you get cast as the star of the next Uwe Boll movie? I’ll just spare us all and kill you now.
The SCORPION kills ZACK. The remaining soldiers blow up all kinds of stuff and call in planes to blow up more stuff. Eventually one of the things blown up is the ROBOTIC SCORPION. Also a MIDDLE EASTERN guy is unhelpful and picks his nose, because MICHAEL BAY doesn’t know the difference between COMEDY and RACISM.
EXT. CALIFORNIA
SHIA tries to get into MEGAN FOX’S PANTS.
MEGAN FOX
I’m hot, but I also know about car engines because Michael Bay thinks that the best way to give a character a personality is to have them know something technical.
SHIA LABEOUF
Guh, you’re soft. I’m so glad we have so many classes together.
MEGAN FOX
Classes? I’m supposed to be in high school? I could barely pass for a college student. Is Michael Bay blind?
SHIA LABEOUF
No, just unbelievably stupid.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
MEGAN HAS NICE TITS LOOK AT THEM! ALRIGHT IT’S TIME FOR SOME FIGHTING NOW!
SHIA discovers that his car turns into a GIANT FUCKING ROBOT. He is chased by a different GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, BARRICADE.
BARRICADE
ARE YOU EBAY USER LADIESMAN217?
SHIA LABEOUF
Holy shit, yes!
BARRICADE
I BOUGHT THIS LINKIN PARK CD FROM YOU AND IT’S SCRATCHED. I CAN’T PLAY MY FAVORITE SONG AND IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME A REFUND I’M LEAVING YOU NEGATIVE FEEDBACK!
Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE rescues SHIA. There is a mess of incomprehensible, blurry metal on the screen. We assume robots are FIGHTING and that it KICKS ASS. Shitty buttrock blares as the GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS fight each other.
SHIA LABEOUF
God, the movie is so cheesy it almost seems like Michael Bay is satirizing his own style.
Eventually, BARRICADE is destroyed, though not enough to prevent it from showing up later in the movie. Also, BUMBLEBEE converts itself into a modern CAMARO.
SHIA LABEOUF
Wait, transformers can just turn into a completely different machines whenever they want? That completely invalidates the premise. Why does Bumblebee retain aspects of the Camaro when in robot mode if he could just shapeshift into any kind of robot he wants at will?
CHEVROLET
So that we can sell cars, moron. What do you think the point of the movie is, to explore the human condition? Chevrolet: An American Revolution.
INT. GOVERNMENT AGENCY
RACHAEL TAYLOR visits ANTHONY ANDERSON.
ANTHONY ANDERSON
I’m fat! And black! That’s fucking comedy gold right there!
RACHAEL TAYLOR
Anthony, I need your help.
ANTHONY ANDERSON
With figuring out what’s hacking into the government computers?
RACHAEL TAYLOR
No, I just need character that’s even more worthless than me so that I seem relevant to the story.
They fail to figure out what is hacking the computers, then they are locked up in an interrogation room, thereby ensuring that they can’t accomplish anything in the movie at all.
EXT. CALIFORNIA
More TRANSFORMERS present themselves to SHIA.
PETER CULLEN
I am Peter Cullen, leader of the Autobots. We learned English using the internet.
SHIA LABEOUF
Didn’t you guys just arrive in comets? How did you have internet access?
PETER CULLEN
Umm…
SHIA LABEOUF
It’s a crime someone as breathtakingly stupid as Michael Bay gets to be so rich.
The TRANSFORMERS and SHIA go to SHIA’S HOUSE.
PETER CULLEN
When your great, great grandfather found evil robot Hugo Weaving in the arctic, he accidentally activated him, which resulted in his location being imprinted on the glasses you tried to sell on eBay. And when I say location, I am referring to the location that Hugo would later be transported to by your government.
SHIA LABEOUF
…
MEGAN FOX
I can’t believe someone made a movie where the scenes in which gigantic toy robots fight each other are the LEAST ridiculous scenes in it.
The GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS ruin the flower garden and try to avoid being seen by SHIA’S PARENTS.
SHIA LABEOUF
When did this movie turn into an episode of ALF? Can we get to the part of the movie where robots fight and Michael Bay bukkakes my childhood?
All of the human characters met so far are transported to HOOVER DAM, secret location of HUGO WEAVING.
INT. HOOVER DAM
JOHN TURTURRO introduces himself to everyone.
JOHN TUTURRO
Hello one-dimensional human characters. I am the leader of an overused film cliche: a secret agency that knew about the giant robots all along. We’ve been hiding this huge cube, the MacGuffinSpark. It contains energy that turns ordinary electronic and mechanical devices into homicidal robots.
RACHAEL TAYLOR
But didn’t the MacGuffinSpark also make the autobots? How come they aren’t evil?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS IT’S TIME TO BLOW SOMETHING UP!
All of the DECEPTICONS and AUTOBOTS converge for a massive battle. HUGO WEAVING awakens from his robocoma.
HUGO WEAVING
Raowwwr! I’m going to kill you, Peter Cullen!
PETER CULLEN
You speak English, too?
HUGO WEAVING
Um… 19th century internet?
All of the GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS fight each other as MICHAEL BAY spends his entire special effects budget.
MICHAEL BAY
NOTICE HOW ALL OF THE BAD ROBOTS ARE AUTHORITARIAN SYMBOLS LIKE MILITARY AND POLICE VEHICLES WHILE THE GOOD ROBOTS ARE SPORTS CARS AND AMBULANCES? I’M A SUBTLE POLITICAL COMMENTATOR NOW OKAY SO LET’S CRASH THROUGH SOME BUILDINGS!
HUGO WEAVING
Why do you protect these humans, Peter? Humans are too violent to live.
PETER CULLEN
This from a guy that used to transform into a pistol?
HUGO WEAVING
Look, the 80’s were a long time ago. I experimented, okay? I was in college and I thought maybe I could be a gun for a while. It’s cool, I’m 100% Alien Jet now.
BUMBLEBEE makes the MacGuffinSpark small enough for SHIA to carry around.
JOSH DUHAMEL
Shia, you have to get to the roof of some building. A helicopter will pick you up and take you to safety.
SHIA LABEOUF
How? Two of the bad guys are jets and another is a military chopper. Can this helicopter teleport or something?
JOSH DUHAMEL
Michael Bay doesn’t know how to direct an action sequence without someone needing to get to run toward something, so you better get moving before the movie gets boring again.
SHIA LABEOUF
On my way. I don’t think I could endure another 20 minutes of robots breaking my lawn furniture.
HUGO WEAVING chases SHIA toward a helicopter that he could easily shoot down once SHIA is on board.
HUGO WEAVING
Give me that MacGuffinSpark, boy! With it, I can turn thousands of household items into robots, all of which I could sell as toys! Mwa-ha-ha!
SHIA turns around and points the MacGuffinSpark at HUGO, which kills him.
MEGAN FOX
What the hell? Did you just kill him using the very item he was trying to acquire? How did you know that would work?
SHIA LABEOUF
I tried to think of the most nonsensical ending the movie could have, and I knew that’s what Michael Bay would do.
Everyone decides to sink HUGO rather than DESTROY him for some reason.
PETER CULLEN (V.O.)
We’ve now made Earth our home. We stay in lame-o vehicle mode all of the time now, watching over humanity, and waiting for the sequel.
BUMBLEBEE
Stay through the credits if you want to endure more godawful whiny rock music.
END
Wow. wow. wow. All I can say is “wow”. I have just nearly bitten through the flesh of my hand to keep from uproariously laughing while I’m sitting here in my office. Amazing job.
And what I love so very very much about this is that you’ve pointed out idiocies in this movie that are sitting down deep on top of the other idiocies that are most obvious - like “You speak English, too?” - it provides a whole new level of crapitude to a movie overflowing with it.
I am in awe.
July 20th, 2007 at 8:53 amBLACKOUT-
July 20th, 2007 at 9:49 am“Roflcopter! I’m in ur networx, haxx0ring ur filez!”
They must have learned English from the internets, how else would he use such over used lolcat talk. Perfect.
[…] chest yesterday, but now I come across Transformers: The Abridged Script at the wonderfully acerbic The Editing Room blog where movies are boiled down to their most sarcastic essentials and reprinted in screenplay […]
July 20th, 2007 at 12:20 pmI love how almost every scene ends with a Michael Bay bashing. Awesome
July 20th, 2007 at 12:20 pmThis is one of your funniest, easily. The Bay bashing never got old, and it was all so true. Awesome job :)
July 20th, 2007 at 12:31 pmYou said it all with the remark about it being criminal how much money Michael Bay makes. Thank you!!!
July 20th, 2007 at 1:08 pm“BLACKOUT
Roflcopter! I’m in ur networx, haxx0ring ur filez!”
Totally awesome)))
July 20th, 2007 at 2:25 pmI hardly ever tell people what they should do, but there MUST be a MESSAGE FROM BAY someday. God bless you if it the deed is done.
July 20th, 2007 at 3:19 pmThanks for saving me $20-worth of movie tickets.
Hell, thanks for saving me $4 of rental money, too!
haha.
July 20th, 2007 at 4:40 pmumm, 19th century internet?
so goddamn funny.
July 20th, 2007 at 6:14 pmhilarious abridged script, great movie
everything Rod pokes fun at here is exactly as ridiculous as it sounds, yet they’re all reasons I loved the movie
:)
July 20th, 2007 at 6:46 pmMy God, you can post pictures now. Truly the wave of the future.
This script was wonderful, and timely. I just got done listening to Michael Bay’s masturbatory commentary for Armageddon, and boy does he ever like making films for “middle America” and “the 13 year-old in every man.” Hearing him try to sound humble when saying “It’s weird having fans” makes me fiend for his heart on a plate.
July 20th, 2007 at 11:49 pmthank you for nailing this pile of robot shit. what a fuck awful movie.
July 21st, 2007 at 5:10 amTo krunk:
That’s because you’re a piece of shit. Please abort yourself.
July 21st, 2007 at 7:51 amthat’s when you rule: when you update as frequently as this.
July 21st, 2007 at 7:55 amthe DDR bit was fantastic. Roflcopter. I always wanted to hit Michael Bay with a stick ever since Armageddon.
July 21st, 2007 at 10:03 amGreat Script as usual, but i couldnt really laugh when i read it…….coz everything Rod pointed out was true. Infact many of these issue were threatening my very sanity and logic while watching the movie myself.
Granted its supposed to be a summer ‘pop corn’ flick but that cant be an excuse to take our favorite childhood memories and then butcher them.
Brett Ratner and Micheal Bay……..
Two poeple that should never be allowed to make movies…specially ones based on well loved comic / cartoon franchise..
U bastards….i want my childhood back.
July 21st, 2007 at 10:28 amlol, i loved the script, it pointed out a lot of inaccuracies that i didn’t catch during the movie, and was just all around funny.
this doesn’t change the fact that i loved that movie though.
July 21st, 2007 at 9:15 pmDon’t forget Steven Spielberg was involved in this POS as a main producer as well, so he deserves his share of blame too.
July 21st, 2007 at 11:06 pmAs much as I loved this movie I also enjoyed this script, especially the Bay bashing, though I consider this film to be his best (of course, thats not saying much)one thing
July 22nd, 2007 at 12:18 amMan, this was hilarious. Not your absolute best, but it definitely did the job at pointing out the suckage of this film. Good to see you spitting them out regularly again. Keep ‘em coming.
July 22nd, 2007 at 1:24 amlol michael bay is a noob
July 22nd, 2007 at 7:06 am[…] For those who don’t want to bother seeing it but want to slag it off like they have: The Editing Room […]
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:05 amheh…Alf…
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:26 amMichael Bay is a total asshole
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:39 amWas really looking forward to you doing transformers - you did not disappoint. Top draw as well, one of your best - KEEP THEM COMING! Please.
July 23rd, 2007 at 1:12 pmnot very good imo :S youve had waaaaaaaay better, and was all the bay bashing really necessary? it’s ironic you criticize bay’s bush bashing (lol) but bash bay way more, which is what everyone seems to think is the cool thing to do :S
July 23rd, 2007 at 3:17 pmWow, Rod really is updating a lot these days eh? Long may it last! I remember going months without a script!
I didnt mind this movie that much, except the robot fighting (esp. Bumblebee vs. Barricade) looked like somebody filmed a bunch of different coloured coins being rattled around in a bucket.
July 23rd, 2007 at 4:44 pmI still cant believe people are calling this movie a “great popcorn film”, it is just pure garbage, it really shows how stupid the consumer as a majority is, that this movie did very well is the salt on the wound.
July 23rd, 2007 at 7:24 pmunfortuantly it’s all true. soooo funny :)
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:09 pmnever would have thought to use bukkake to describe how bad Bay spooged on us all, funniest fucking shit ever.
July 23rd, 2007 at 10:02 pmMen, thanks for this. Someone should translate this to spanish. Spanish speaking people deserve some bad ass Bay trashing.
July 24th, 2007 at 1:17 amNice work.
I like the new site. Awesome!
I love that you updating. Awesome!
And I love this abridged script. Super Awesome!
But…(hey, you have to have at least one complaint)
You used to tell us what you thought of a movie; you know, like you used to rate the movie out of 5 stars or something. Anyways, I was just wondering if you could bring that back. You make fun of all movies, even the ones that you like. So it’s always interesting to me to see what you actually thought of the real movie.
Anyways, I hope you bring your ratings back. :)
July 24th, 2007 at 4:40 amThis review wasn’t all that funny, but that’s simply because that EVERY WORD OF IT WAS TRUE. I found myself nodding in agreement and thanking Rod through the computer screen more than laughing.
And yes, as someone mentioned before, don’t forget that Spielberg had his hand in this film as well.
It is painfully obvious that not only is Micheal Bay a terrible director (although I really did like ‘The Island’) but everyone involved in the Transformers project blatantly never looked at any of the source material, past or present. The recent publications of Transformers comics by Dreamwave and IDW are absolutely amazing, and had any of those writers been present for the movie, it probably would have been far far better.
As an action movie with giant robots, it was kinda crappy.
July 24th, 2007 at 9:07 pmAs a Transformers movie, it was an insult to my childhood and to me as a person.
Jeez… Would you call a stranger a “shithead” if you were talking to them face to face about this movie? The internet is full of cowards hiding behind monitors, that’s why it’s so hard to have a conversation on here without getting something rude said to you…
Hmmm… Kinda funny… a lot of the things said were a bit of a stretch, almost like you were searching for something bad to say. Not “haha” funny, but, snicker funny. Not all that bad, you sure hated the movied though, that sure is easy to see.
I for one would like this movie to be directed by someone different in the sequel… I’m not really a Bay fan either… I think he’s an idiot with a camera, and he doesn’t focus on characters at all, which is a HUGE mistake… Storys are usually centered on… WHAT!? THE CHARACTERS, BAY!! Stop making mediocre movies and come out of that shell you have built around yourself… you CAN make a movie with interesting characters, and for the LOVE OF GOD PLEASE DO IN THE SEQUEL or I won’t support any more of your work even remotely!
…*pant pant*…. But for what it was, a starting movie, it was okay and not nearly as bad as people make it out to be.
The product placement was it’s largest mistake for me. Mountain Dew bot pissed me off. I still enjoyed the movie though, with all it’s faults… mostly… Bays faults… He needs to learn how to tell a story… but eh… considering the director… it could have been a lot worse. :P
July 25th, 2007 at 6:40 pmwelcome to the pool of sarcasim, come on in the water is great. Oh, you just ate? Well that’s a shame, you are missing a great site that never claimed anything but to write his interpratation of the films he has written “scripts” for.
Keep up the great work Rod!
July 25th, 2007 at 9:48 pmWhy is there no CGI bashing in this script.
With super-human dedication you faithfully put salt on every single unsuspecting CGI snail in the history of film, so why the sudden break?
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t see the movie but it seems somehow unlikely that it all came about without a ton of CGI geeks doing their thing? And now I’ll never know for sure!
July 26th, 2007 at 1:07 am*tsk* You forgot to add the part where the Autobots also get to watch the human mating ritual in the meanwhile. ;p
July 27th, 2007 at 5:20 amHey… Spielberg only funded it, he didn’t write or direct it, so we’ll let him off the hook. This is more Michael Bay’s monstrosity than his.
Anyway, Rod, great script. I saw the film last night with friends and there really are so many things you’ve torn into brilliantly - the lack of sense in the action scenes, and Bay’s lack of subtlety, to name but a couple. That I enjoyed the film at all is probably down to the fact I watched the cartoon as a kid.
July 28th, 2007 at 4:51 amExcellent. I too feel my childhood got bukkaked by that cock munching arse clerk.
July 28th, 2007 at 3:54 pmIt’s funny. Not my script, but apparently I wrote it. What’s funnier is that I’m making huge, mega bucks blockbusters like this, raking in the cash and securing my place at the helm of Transformers 2. All the while you’re bashing a complete stranger on the internet… a stranger who’s far more successful than you could ever hope to be.
I’ll just leave you freaks to it. I’m off to count those millions of dollars. See you at the sequel screenings, douche.
July 28th, 2007 at 4:40 pmROTFLOL!! Loved it! I’m a huge fan of the movie, but that didn’t stop me from laughing till I cried
July 28th, 2007 at 6:52 pmI liked it a lot. I am surprised that you didn’t take a shot at Bay’s Political Commentary during the credits as well. And the way the movie tried to be cute in using the “more then meets the eye” line a few times.
July 28th, 2007 at 10:19 pmVery accurate, very funny.
July 29th, 2007 at 10:51 amI loved the movie.
And I loved this parody. It highlighted all the stuff I was willing to ignore. All I needed was giant robots fighting, and that’s what I got :)
July 30th, 2007 at 9:31 amVery funny and true, i was thinking the same as i watched the movie.
I still cant explain how megatron died…
July 30th, 2007 at 2:47 pmTo Cuntus the Magnificent:
I love it when you talk dirty to me, baby! Yeah! More!
July 30th, 2007 at 4:07 pmA million points of Win for “MacGuffin Spark”. That alone makes up for wasting two hours and a half hours watching the world’s longest car/toy/military recruiting commercial.
Anyway, flawless script for a movie that was *made* to be abridged.
Anyone who says otherwise fails at life.
August 1st, 2007 at 12:34 am[…] I know these things don’t matter to Bay so I didn’t focuse on them, but reading the The Abridged Script makes me realize howsilly and stupid it is but that’s another […]
August 1st, 2007 at 4:20 am“Would you call a stranger a “shithead” if you were talking to them face to face about this movie?”
Yes. Fuckface.
August 1st, 2007 at 9:59 amFunny as fuck
August 1st, 2007 at 11:48 amI am in awe. Genius-ly funny. Don’t care about the Michael Bay bashing - that sh*t is like shooting fish in a barrel - but it was damn funny all the same.
August 2nd, 2007 at 3:12 amYou missed out all the blatant religious / 911 references…
Cheesey Pseudo Hero Boy on top of the building clinging to a statue of the Virgin Mary for dear life - for the protection of Christ - while trying to be killed by the evil robot who just flew through the side of the office building - Nothing to be read into that then eh?
August 2nd, 2007 at 5:11 amI was going to ask why LaBoof would still want to buy a car that was obviously possessed, but then I went back and read “SHIA is a moron.” and all was answered. They wanted part of this film to be the next Herbie movie, no doubt.
August 5th, 2007 at 7:51 pmGreat stuff Rod. I agree with it all. Your observation about Bays military/porno film making style was an eye opener.
August 6th, 2007 at 11:14 amThere was so much stealing from other films that it would wear you out to try to reference it all, but the scene with the soldiers needing a credit card to make a phone call to the pentagon to get some fire support; not actually a postmodern take on warfare in the 21st century. Actually a scene blatantly stolen from Heartbreak Ridge released in 1986. But hey, they get to read that here in the comments. Great new comments feature by the way.
You mentioned the stupid hiding in the garden sequence that dragged on and on, but how about the equally pointless 20 minutes that followed; being captured then freed by the autobots, stripping Tuturro for some sneering, immediately getting caught again but this time the autobots cannot help them for some strange reason .
“Helicopters with harpoons! Our only weakness!”
Completely unnecessary.
How about the blatant bashing of a Volkswagon Beetle, Hollywoods original car with a mind of its own, in the car lot scene?
Was there an actual story reason given in the film for fleeing from the Hoover Dam to downtown L.A. for the inevitable battle? Maybe have a character point out that that is an incredibly irresponsible and stupid thing to do that needlessly endangers civilians. Then Michael Bay could reply that he wanted to do his version of Beastie Boys’ Intergalactic video.
Also, a battlebot disguised as a battletank so as not to draw attention or suspicion to itself. Clever indeed!
Funniest abridged script yet. All true vis-a vis michael bay but despite all the toss that featured in this film, I still loved it. Whatever the basement dwelling uber-geeks of this forum might profess about butchered childhoods and inaccuracies, the fact of the matter remains that Hasbro (Marvel, DC or any other brand for that matter) owe them nothing. If they want to see a good transformer movie or a page-accurate film rendition of the X-Men, simply stop masturbating constantly, get off your fat asses and write your own damned script. You c*nts.
August 10th, 2007 at 4:57 amSo how do the ratings work? Is your honest opinion this movie was a 6/10?
August 10th, 2007 at 5:14 pmI loved it. I wish you would have mentioned something about how Shia was obsessed with Fox then acted like she just gave him 20 STD’s after he found out she had a record. That was beyond stupid.
August 12th, 2007 at 9:16 pmLOL! This is hysterical! I made some of the same points, too, about the movie, like how Megatron dies by the cube, the internet usage, and all the evil robots spawned by the cube. Totally freaking hilarious!
This reminds of the one done for the 1986 movie. If anyone can find that, post it here. I tried searching but there’s way too many results that are not it. But, that’s how I found this one.
August 14th, 2007 at 2:50 pmWell, given that Megan Fox is only 20 she could still play a highschool student. Girls these days look a lot older than they are and that shouldnt mean that they higher a girl simply because she LOOKS younger. Megan is hot and close to highschool age so I think its fair. If she were like 25 I’d have a problem with it.
August 15th, 2007 at 6:24 pmYou forgot the part where the only autobot to die was the black one. A black guy always has to die in one of these movies. This time it just happened to be an ebonics-talking robot.
August 15th, 2007 at 9:42 pmThis was a great script…I love this movie though. The things you pointed out in the script are so obvious, but I didn’t notice them until I really thought about the movie. I guess my mindset while watching was: “Robots blowing shit up. No more thinking.” But again, amazing script.
August 15th, 2007 at 11:05 pmThis movie was ridiculous. I’m so tired of these CGI massacres of my childhood. I’m not even 19 yet and I long for the days of the 70’s to early 80’s movies where there was actually ACTING.
August 17th, 2007 at 2:17 amThis really reads like something Matt Stone and Trey Parker would have written together. Absolute genius, I hope they’ve read it!
August 18th, 2007 at 7:32 amAll this is true but its still a great film the problem is some of you people were expecting it to be deep, come on it the film of a toy line made into a cartoon in the 80s what were you expecting I dont want it to make sense Its a brilliant action movie 5/5 all the way.
August 18th, 2007 at 12:20 pmMegatron landed a thousand years ago and he wanted to use “the cube” to transform all the technology into evil senient monsters?
Yeah, good luck converting all that eleventh century technology.
He would have pre-dated the invention of the fucking grindstone by about two hundred years so he surely must have been able to make only the shittiest wooden Decepticons!
August 24th, 2007 at 3:50 amAw dude, I’d pay to see a movie about evil wooden robots in the 11th century. Get Rod Hilton himself to write it, he knows how to write crazy schlock.
August 24th, 2007 at 5:01 pmWell it was a hundred year ago, not a thousand, so he could have made … Ford T Decepticons racing at 35 km/h and some steam-powered trains ?
August 25th, 2007 at 6:01 amCalculus Prime:
I’m fairly certain that this is the script you wanted: http://www.imsdb.com/Movie%20Scripts/Transformers:%20The%20Movie%20Script.html
I didn’t read all of it, but spotted several mentions of “Unicron” and “Hot Rod”, and plus it’s titled “Transformers: The Movie”, the same title of that 1986 movie. Three out of four commenters on that page, by the way, are apparently idiots/bastards who comment on a thing without reading it.
And way to go, Rod! Though the script is probably not your best and I’m sort of disappointed that you are relatively forgiving with this movie (which has earned the title of the Least Enjoyable Piece of Crap I Ever Watched on my chart and a negative movie rating, but, of course, that’s just me), you are brave in stating that this movie was bad/”painful to endure”.
August 26th, 2007 at 11:15 am“Well it was a hundred year ago, not a thousand”
Nah mate, I checked. The third rate Ben Stiller impersonator / secret agent comic relief #122609821 alludes to Megatron having landed over a thousand years ago. He was DISCOVERED a hundred and something years ago.
Now let’s never speak of it again!
August 28th, 2007 at 12:39 amI still don’t get why they put that emo song during the credits. They must’ve gotten a ton of money for them to put that in.
August 28th, 2007 at 9:35 pm[…] - Transformers is less shit than RH3. Prepare yourself here. Note: Clicking that link will reveal spoilers, just in case you actually give a shit about the […]
September 8th, 2007 at 6:43 amTotal Film TOTALLY FUCKING RUINED this amazing amazing abridged script!!! You’re selling your soul Rod!
September 10th, 2007 at 4:03 pmStephen,
I’m the one who writes the super-short version for Total Film - so I ruined it, not them.
And if not for Total Film, I probably wouldn’t update the site at all. ;)
September 10th, 2007 at 7:43 pmFair enough.
The funniest part for me was:
PETER CULLEN
You speak English, too?
HUGO WEAVING
Um… 19th century internet?
Can’t believe you took that out.
It’s pretty cool of Total Film to let you edit it yourself.
September 11th, 2007 at 3:51 pmI walked out of this awful crapfest so it’s nice to know it didn’t get good at the end. You should have mentioned the fat kid on the street though, the one who actually says “This is the coolest thing I have ever seen, it’s cooler than Armageddon” I mean, that line was seriously in the movie. That’s the point I gave up hope.
September 20th, 2007 at 8:18 am“****Michael Bay**** Says:
What’s funnier is that I’m making huge, mega bucks blockbusters like this, raking in the cash and securing my place at the helm of Transformers 2. All the while you’re bashing a complete stranger on the internet… a stranger who’s far more successful than you could ever hope to be.
I’ll just leave you freaks to it. I’m off to count those millions of dollars. See you at the sequel screenings, douche.”
Wait. I’ve heard something like this before.
But where?
Oh, yeah.
http://blogs.suntimes.com/scanners/2007/07/with_love_from_bay_to_you.html
Question: How the HELL has the former comment gone for so long without being mocked into oblivion like the latter?
September 27th, 2007 at 10:54 pmBecause there’s no proof it was really him?
September 27th, 2007 at 11:46 pmWhether it actually is him (which I doubt) or some nitwit going around to websites that aren’t even mainstream and pretending to be him, either way, the comment itself is so pathetic that it’s hilarious.
October 2nd, 2007 at 4:38 pm[…] Abridged Script The Editing Room Transformers: The Abridged Script Spot on. Also, contains some foul language. […]
October 16th, 2007 at 11:06 pmHow about the first forty-five minutes managing to make the president, the department of homeland security, the Secretary of Defense, most servicemen and women, and all police officers and firefighters look like complete idiots? Bay clearly has bad SNL stereotypes confused with actual satire. Also, if I were a person whose first language was Spanish I would probably never see a Michael Bay film again after repeated lines like, “Dude, no Spanish.” That’s all, no joke there, just the repeated inclusion of unfocused xenophobia in order to… what? It’s like Bay couldn’t figure out who to disrespect so he opted to treat no one respectfully.
October 20th, 2007 at 11:53 amHow about Megatron’s teeth? A robot with snaggly teeth? Why?
How about Shia and Megan making out at the end, only to have the camera pan out and reveal they’re doing it ON TOP OF A GODDAMNED SENTIENT CAR? I’m sure that’s what Bumblebee had in mind when he decided to stay with the kid.
How about I walked out for a minute in the middle of the movie, resulting in me never figuring out where that noisy black guy came from or what his point in the movie was?
Oh, and Megan being a little too old was weird, but how about the doughy-faced thirty-year-old they had playing her asshat boyfriend in the beginning?
Ach, I don’t care. This movie was abysmal, and including every flaw in the script would have produced a script longer than the movie it was meant to abridge. Thanks again, Rod. My hat, sir, is off to you.
Eh, you probably wouldn’t have liked the scene that introduced the noisy black guy anyway.
October 20th, 2007 at 7:48 pmMike, you just said how hiding behind a computer and insulting people is a cowardly act, yet you still call Bay an “idiot with a camera”.
October 25th, 2007 at 2:59 pmthis proves that you are a hypocrite and piece of shit!
blammy! - cowardly internet insult. I can can guarantee you that I would say it to your face after reading your post though
This whole script is entirely genius.
But one part always comes back to me:
“Four thousand - I figure you owe me a thousand from the time I accidentally watched an episode of The Bernie Mac show.”
October 30th, 2007 at 9:12 amBored.
November 10th, 2007 at 4:35 amWOW, that was brilliant. my face hurts from smiling this long
November 23rd, 2007 at 1:35 amWow, looks like someone is a little envious. This has to be one of the most idiotic, childish things I’ve ever read. I have to ask, if you didn’t want to see GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS, then why did you bother going to see a movie thats about GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS?? ANd while we’re on that note, why would you go to see ANY action movie and expect to see less action and more storyline??
Here’s an idea, if you don’t like action, then don’t go to an action flick. And if you don’t like GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS, then don’t watch movies ABOUT them. Go watch a chick flick and complain. Atleast then not only will you have plenty of ammo, but you’ll be in a crowd more suited to your whining.
December 21st, 2007 at 2:07 amJason,
You’re a giant fucking idiot. My main criticism of the movie is that there aren’t enough giant robots, and too much emphasis on shit people don’t care about, like watching robots fuck up a garden or Shia’s personal life.
You fail the reading comprehension test.
December 22nd, 2007 at 1:51 pmIs there any publishing information available for the issue of Total Film this was featured in? Curious.
December 22nd, 2007 at 9:22 pmThe Autobots knowing English despite just arriving on Earth didn’t bother me- Bumblebee communicating the basics of Earth languages? It doesn’t seem that unreasonable to me that alien robots capable of flying vast distances through space can send detailed long ranged messages about human languages and cultures.
That said… funny script for a movie with oh so many flaws!
December 26th, 2007 at 6:40 am[…] The Editing Room » Transformers: The Abridged Script (tags: funny transformers) […]
January 3rd, 2008 at 1:28 amPretty funny, but you’re clearly trying to bash Michael Bay even when you have no reason to. This part:
PETER CULLEN
When your great, great grandfather found evil robot Hugo Weaving in the arctic, he accidentally activated him, which resulted in his location being imprinted on the glasses you tried to sell on eBay. And when I say location, I am referring to the location that Hugo would later be transported to by your government.
The location printed on the glasses was of the All-Spark, NOT Megatron. They just brought Megatron TO the All-Spark, which granted doesn’t seem overly smart, but isn’t the same flaw you’re bashing.
January 18th, 2008 at 11:33 pmFinally saw the film, without paying for it. Take that, domestic gross.
At no point is any scene with the human characters enjoyable. The robots get maybe thirty minutes of screentime in a bloated, overly-filmed two hour and twenty minute piece of shit. All that money couldn’t buy a good fucking script, that’s for sure.
And I hope that really was Michael Bay up there, and I hope his feelings are hurt and he’s wiping his tears with his millions of dollars. He’ll never be James Cameron.
February 12th, 2008 at 6:16 pm