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Transformers: Dark of the Moon

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. NEW YORK CITY

SHIA LABEOUF, still somehow attached to this franchise, whines to his ridiculously hot girlfriend, ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY.

SHIA LABEOUF

This is such bullshit. I was a fucking hero and now I can't even get a job. Life sucks, New York sucks, Michael Bay sucks. Fuck everything, I hate it.

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY

Wow, what a likable character you are, I sure hope we get to spend the next HOLY FUCK, IS THIS MOVIE REALLY TWO AND A HALF HOURS?!

SHIA LABEOUF

And to make matters worse, my ridiculously annoying parents are showing up unannounced to further illustrate how poorly Michael Bay understands comedy!

KEVIN DUNN

Hi son, your mother and I are going to help you get a job interview while providing comic relief. Then again, I'm not sure it counts as comic relief if every single character thinks they're the comic relief.

JULIE WHITE

I got these mushrooms from a friendly man on the street, and all I had to do for them was wear a blindfold and put a surprisingly warm popsicle in my mouth, isn't that wacky?!

SHIA interviews for a job with JOHN MALKOVICH.

JOHN MALKOVICH

Look, I do karate and I go apeshit over people drinking out of mugs of the wrong color. There's nobody on the planet like me, Michael Bay has lost all touch with reality!

SHIA LABEOUF

Sir, I know you want me to work in your mail room, but I happened to be around when a bunch of robots saved the world and as a result I have an unimaginably large sense of entitlement, so I refuse to do anything less than fight alongside giant robots. Go fuck yourself.

JOHN MALKOVICH

Wow, you really are a completely insufferable little prick, are we really going to make the audience endure you for JESUS CHRIST, TWO AND A HALF HOURS, SERIOUSLY!?

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

OKAY ENOUGH HILARITY FOR NOW ITS TIME FOR CARS AND ROBOTS OKAY

INT. AMERICAN MILITARY BASE

Various pieces of PRODUCT-PLACEMENT wheel into the BASE and transform into ROBOTS WITH INCREASINGLY RIDICULOUS ACCENTS. FRANCES MCDORMAND enters.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Alright people, listen up. When I saw Turturro and Malkovich were in this, I signed up thinking it was a Coen Brothers movie. Let's hurry this along, every second that ticks by I become even more aware of the fact that my name will roll in the same credits as Michael Bay's.

PETER CULLENBOT

We Autobots have had a great time being tools of the American military, but I'm pretty pissed off because I just found out that your government knew about a robot spaceship that crash-landed on the Dark of the Moon.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

"Dark of the Moon"? I think you accidentally a whole word there.

PETER CULLENBOT

We didn't want to risk people trying to sync this movie up to Pink Floyd albums, alright? Anyway, that ship has my old friend, Leonard Nimoybot inside. I must go get him!

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Wait, hold the fuck on for a second. Transformers can change into vehicles...

PETER CULLENBOT

Of course.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

And they can change what vehicles those are at any time...

JAMES REMARBOT

I'm a 2012 Chevrolet Centennial Edition Corvette now!

FRANCES MCDORMAND

So, why, exactly, did he travel in a spaceship? Before you answer, remember that this is the third movie, so we've seen all of the other robots get to this planet without spaceships.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

ENOUGH QUESTIONS SCREENWRITING IS HARD TIME FOR MORE AWESOME COMEDY OKAY

INT. EXPENSIVE CAR GALLERY

SHIA goes to visit ROSIE at her job, working in PATRICK DEMPSEY'S CAR MUSEUM.

PATRICK DEMPSEY

Welcome to my car museum, Shia. This is where I showcase all of the cars we were contractually obligated to include in the movie but didn't bother making Transformers for.

SHIA LABEOUF

I am extremely threatened by you because you are attractive and I have a microscopic penis! Stop trying to steal my girlfriend!

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY

You're overreacting, Shia. I'm a real person, not just an object of male sexual desire!

SHIA LABEOUF

Uh huh. The first frame of the movie you were in was a closeup of your ass wearing only panties. In the car, now.

PATRICK DEMPSEY

Whoa, whoa, whoa. "In the car"? You want to try speaking to your girlfriend like she's not your dog, Even Stevens?

SHIA LABEOUF

Nope. In fact, I'm going to continue talking to her like she's my property, slamming my foot into my car as part of a complete meltdown temper tantrum, and treating you like a piece of shit because you're rich and handsome and I'm not.

PATRICK DEMPSEY

Wow, you've really become a completely detestable, repulsive piece of human garbage. I really hope your character dies soon because there's no way anyone could stand you for CHRIST ON A CROSS, TWO AND A HALF HOURS FOR A MOVIE ABOUT GIANT ROBOTS!?

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

OH FUCK I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THE GIANT ROBOTS LETS GO SEE IF THEY'RE DOING ANYTHING COOL OKAY

EXT. A DESERT OR SOME SHIT

HUGO WEAVINGBOT talks to FRANK WELKERBOT and KEITH SZARABAJKABOT.

FRANK WELKERBOT

The Autobots have retrieved Leonard Nimoybot from the moon, master.

HUGO WEAVINGBOT

Excellent, mwa-ha-ha!

KEITH SZARABAJKABOT

I will go kill the guy who helped us. But first, I will have a tea party with his daughter and chase his wife through the house, only to kill the guy in his living room, where I must have walked right by him.

HUGO WEAVINGBOT

Excellent, mwa-ha-ha!

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

THAT WAS BORING WHY DID I EVEN INCLUDE IT LET'S GO HAVE MORE COMEDY WITH CHINESE PEOPLE THEY ARE GOOD AT MATH HA HA OKAY

INT. JOHN MALKOVICH'S OFFICE

SHIA LABEOUF delivers mail while contemplating how far through his career he is. Suddenly, he is accosted by KEN JEONG in the bathroom.

KEN JEONG

Shia! My codename is Deep Wang, which is a penis joke! It's a reference to "Deep Throat" which was already a penis joke! Anyway, I know you know the Transformers, look at this scrap of paper I keep taped to my balls for some reason!

SHIA LABEOUF

Yep, there is literally no way this scene could be more annoying.

KEN JEONG

What if I needlessly imply we had gay sex in this bathroom, reminding the audience of the fact that Michael Bay is basically what happens when the kind of shitstains you encounter on Xbox Live start making movies?

SHIA LABEOUF

I stand corrected, you are clearly capable of increasing your annoyance at a geometric rate. Please leave the movie so I can forget you were in it before Season 3 of Community starts.

KEN JEONG

What happened to me? I was a fucking doctor. Seriously, go check Wikipedia.

SHIA reads the paper and discovers that the AUTOBOTS are in danger!

INT. AMERICAN MILITARY BASE

SHIA and ROSIE arrive at the base along with JOHN TURTURRO and ALAN TUDYK.

JOHN TURTURRO

I really have no reason to be in this movie, can we just skip over all of my scenes?

ALAN TUDYK

Ja, mine too! I'm zee sidekick to a sidekick to a sidekick und my accent makes me vant to crawl into zee hole und die!

JOHN TURTURRO

Why the hell is every single human character written like they're on cocaine at all times? I can't tell you how much I wish it was possible to punch a movie in the face.

SHIA LABEOUF

Guys, the Autobots are in trouble, Leonard Nimoybot is bait, the Decepticons are on their way!

FRANCES MCDORMAND

Who the hell are you and what are you doing with a Victoria's Secret model? And don't say giving her acting lessons.

SHIA LABEOUF

How does nobody in this movie know who I am? The Decepticons put my face on every television in the world in the last movie.

PETER CULLENBOT brings LEONARD NIMOYBOT to EARTH and reactivates him or revives him or whatever the fuck robots do.

PETER CULLENBOT

Leonard, I'm so glad you already have your disguise even though it's a vehicle that didn't exist 50 years ago when you landed on the moon! Anyway, together we can defeat Hugo Weavingbot!

LEONARD NIMOYBOT

Actually I'm on Weavingbot's side. We're going to rebuild Cybertron and enslave the humans, all of whom I'm sure will be very useful slaves since everything on our planet is made of 10 tons of metal.

(actual line)

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

PETER CULLENBOT

Leonard, no... For this movie? For Michael Bay, you did that?

HUGO WEAVINGBOT'S HENCHBOTS show up and there is an EPIC ROBOT BATTLE in SLOWEST POSSIBLE MOTION. Lots of shit EXPLODES like FIREWORKS FOR SOME REASON.

SHIA LABEOUF

Patrick Dempsey, where are you taking my girlfriend, what's-her-lips?

PATRICK DEMPSEY

Ha! I'm evil after all, validating your completely antisocial behavior from earlier! I'm actually helping Hugo Weavingbot enslave humanity, and when we're done I'm going to tell him about all of the things I'm deathly allergic to!

PATRICK kidnaps ROSIE and takes her to CHICAGO along with HUGO WEAVINGBOT and LEONARD NIMOYBOT.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

I've got a plan. First, we announce on the news that we're sending the Autobots away, then--

PETER CULLENBOT

Wait, the whole world knows about us? What the fuck is the point of being "robots in disguise"? Did Michael Bay not even get through the tagline of the source material?

FRANCES MCDORMAND

--ahem, then we let Decepticons blow up the shuttle in a manner that is needlessly evocative of the Challenger explosion--

SHIA LABEOUF

Tasteless, I like it.

FRANCES MCDORMAND

--then, as soon as the Autobots have the element of surprise, Shia and Bumblebee can ruin it trying to save Rosie, thereby making the entire sequence nothing more than an excellent opportunity for the audience to relieve their aching bladders!

SHIA LABEOUF

Are you kidding? You can literally go piss at any point in this movie and miss absolutely nothing.

PETER CULLENBOT

He's right, people aren't even bothering to ask "what did I miss?" when they get back. Let's hurry up and get to Chicago before SHITCOCK THERE'S STILL AN HOUR LEFT, I'M GOING TO DIE HERE!

EXT. CHICAGO

ROBOTS beat the shit out of each other for what feels like an ETERNITY as the soundtrack blares MECHANICAL NOISE nonstop.

JOSH DUHAMEL

Alright guys, Michael Bay can't get an erection unless there's military shit on screen, so we're going to shoot at stuff and glide around in 3D for a while.

TYRESE GIBSON

Someone really needs to tell Bay that people watch these movies because they want to see robots.

JOSH DUHAMEL

People watch these movies because they're retards, Tyrese.

LEONARD NIMOYBOT activates PILLARS that start creating CYBERTRON next to EARTH.

LEONARD NIMOYBOT

Within minutes, a planet ten times the size of Earth and presumably made entirely of metal will be finished!

HUGO WEAVINGBOT

Excellent, mwa-ha-ha!

LEONARD NIMOYBOT

Surely this will have no gravitational effect on the planet, its inhabitants, or its ecosystem!

BILL O'REILLY

Tide goes in, tides goes out! You can't explain that! And evidently neither can Michael Bay.

DECEPTICONS start executing defenseless AUTOBOT prisoners, illustrating how unforgivably EVIL they are.

Suddenly, a rip-off of the SONG FROM THE INCEPTION TRAILER starts, making PETER CULLENBOT feel like such a badass that he begins punching through all of the DECEPTICONS like they were PAPER.

FRANK WELKERBOT

Noooooo!

(dies)

KEITH SZARABAJKABOT

Aieeee!

(dies)

PETER CULLENBOT

This ends here, Leonard Nimoybot! We must do battle the only way futuristic alien robots can: with medieval swords and axes!

LEONARD NIMOYBOT

I will block your glowing orange weapons with this shield, which I guess is made of a different metal than we are!

They FIGHT. Eventually LEONARD NIMOYBOT is defenseless, so PETER CULLENBOT executes him while he begs for his life.

LEONARD NIMOYBOT

Er, aren't you doing the thing that the bad guys were just doing to show how terrible they are?

(dies)

HUGO WEAVINGBOT

Excellent, mwa-ha-

(dies also)

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

GOOD LUCK ASSHOLE DIRECTOR THAT TAKES OVER THIS FRANCHISE HA HA

SHIA LABEOUF

Ugh, these movies are so stupid. The Transformers deserve better than this.

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY

Okay, you know what? No, they don't. Transformers was a poorly animated toy commercial dressed up like entertainment. The only reason you ever liked it was because when it was on TV you were a teenage boy, which is exactly who this piece of shit movie is made for. The same version of you that loved Transformers in 1985 would love this movie.

SHIA LABEOUF

Nuh uh. It sucks, Michael Bay raped my childhood.

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY

Look, Bay didn't trick you here. This is the THIRD movie. If you seriously thought, after seeing the first two movies, that this was going to be anything other than an unwatchable, idiotic piece of festering horseshit, then you're even dumber than Bay is, and that guy thinks TvTropes.org is a filmmaking how-to manual.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

YEAH NOW TAKE YOUR TOP OFF LET'S SEE SOME TITTAYS

Everything totally FUCKING EXPLODES while LINKIN PARK WHINES about it.

END