Sam Jackson really hates it when Applebee's messes up his lunch order.


Sam Jackson really hates it when Applebee's messes up his lunch order.

THE HATEFUL EIGHT

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. WYOMING - POST CIVIL WAR (NO NOT THE MARVEL ONE)

Bounty hunter KURT RUSSELL is transporting criminal JENNIFER JASON LEIGH to her execution when they encounter SAMUEL L. JACKSON.

KURT RUSSELL

I see you are a fellow bounty hunter with three dead bounties in tow worth 8 thousand. Well you should know Jennifer’s bounty is worth 10 thousand! I reveal her worth to everyone I meet because I have a death wish. Say hi to Sam, Jennifer.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Morning, nigger.

SAMUEL L. FREEZING-HIS-NUTS-OFF JACKSON

Tarantino isn't wasting any time using his most beloved epithet.

KURT RUSSELL

I’m pretty sure it’s the reason why your character exists. A niggerless Tarantino film is like a niggaless Jay-Z song, it’s just not as good without them.

SAMUEL L. HITCHHIKING JACKSON

Well my tauntaun froze in this cold ass blizzard so you mind giving me a lift?

KURT RUSSELL

As long as you promise not to murder me and steal Jennifer’s bounty.

SAMUEL L. SMOOTH-TALKING JACKSON

I give you my word as a fellow lying back stabbing money hungry bounty hunter. So Jennifer, what did you do that was so terrible?

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

I beat Jennifer Lawrence out for this role. The odds were never in her favor.

They are taken towards their destination in GLORIOUS 70MM which is mostly wasted on the inside of their HORSE CARRIAGE.

SAMUEL L. CHILLAXIN' JACKSON

So, I suppose we had better spend a solid 40 minutes or so yammering on about anecdotal bullshit and social etiquette and-- wait we're not? Jeez, I kinda don't know where to go from here. Let's just introduce ourselves.

KURT RUSSELL

They call me “The Hangman” because I am anal retentive about bringing my bounties in alive to hang even though killing them would make my job a trillion times easier while also negating the entire plot of this film.

SAMUEL L. EXPOSITIONING JACKSON

I'm an ex-slave ex-Union solider ex-prisoner who's now a bounty hunter. And I carry around a letter from Abe Lincoln himself addressed directly to me because we were totally dude-bros.

KURT RUSSELL

(reads letter)

Incredible! This simple letter makes me see you as a man and not just three fifths of one!

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH hocks a LOOGIE all over the letter. SAMUEL hits her so hard he knocks the SYLLABLES out of her name.

SAMUEL L. SHIT-KICKING JACKSON

You crazy bitch! This letter means THE WORLD to me and isn’t just some lame forgery I use to sucker in white folks into liking me!

KURT RUSSELL

Because Jennifer is being an asshole I will kindly introduce my elbow to her face.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

You're beating me up?! But I’m a woman and shit!

KURT RUSSELL

So? I’m treating you exactly as I would a male prisoner. No special treatment. This is what gender equality looks like sweetheart.

(pounds Jennifer’s face into paste)

They soon encounter WALTON GOGGINS wandering out in the blizzard with his thumb out.

KURT RUSSELL

Gas, ass or grass, buddy.

WALTON GOGGINS

(has none of those things)

KURT RUSSELL

Well I’m not letting another stranger onto this here carriage!

(pause)

Get in.

WALTON GOGGINS

(fanning himself)

I do declare, thank you kind sir for allowing this southern gentleman passage onto your grand chariot. Jesus do I actually sound like that?

KURT RUSSELL

(points at Jennifer with a neon arrow)

$10 thousand!

WALTON GOGGINS

Got it. Samuel, I conveniently know your backstory as a notorious yankee soldier who viciously murdered confederate white soldiers such as myself, and therefore hate your nigger guts.

SAMUEL L. ACTION JACKSON

Cracker please, you killed Lem.

WALTON GOGGINS

Well it just so happens I’m the new unofficial sheriff around these parts so if you or Kurt want to get paid for your bounties we need to get along.

KURT RUSSELL

Okey-doke.

(tattoos “$10,000!” on Jennifer’s forehead in Comic Sans)

INT. MINNIE’S HABERDASHERY

They arrive at the shop and meet a bunch of characters from PAST TARANTINO FILMS.

BRUCE DERN

I’m an old southern war general who hates the blacks.

TIM ROTH

I’m filling in for Christoph Waltz. Cherio my good chaps! Smashing!

MICHAEL MADSEN

(is Michael Madsen)

DEMIAN BICHIR

And I'm the caretaker of this establishment ever since the owner Mini suddenly left town without taking any belongings with her, not even a coat or shoes or her life.

SAMUEL L. UNTRUSTING JACKSON

My bullshit detector is going off big time but I’ll keep it to myself because tension.

KURT RUSSELL

Alright everybody listen up! In case you didn’t know Jennifer is worth an amount between $9,999 and $10,001! So if anyone has plans on stopping me from collecting that money please speak up so I can shoot you in the goddamn face!

(pause)

No one? And here I was hoping you would be honest scoundrels! I suppose I had better interrogate you all.

TIM ROTH

‘ello govna! I’m the ‘angman ‘round these parts! How much do you want to bet my accent is phoney? OHH OHH! $10,000?

KURT RUSSELL

How did you know I'd pick that exact number?!

TIM ROTH

Lucky guess.

KURT RUSSELL

What about you, Michael? What are you doing here?

MICHAEL MADSEN

Being a bloated sleep-eyed lump, but mostly just cashing a check.

KURT RUSSELL

Fair enough. And you, Bruce? What’s your story?

BRUCE DERN

I’m going to Nebraska to cash in a $1 million dollar sweepstakes prize. Oh, and I’m known for savagely executing black soldiers during the war so Samuel wants to shoot me in my old soggy nuts.

KURT RUSSELL

Well I probably shouldn't announce this out loud, but I’ve deduced one of you jerks is in cahoots with Jennifer!

SAMUEL L. HARD-DRINKING JACKSON

But ONLY ONE of them, as any more than that would have easily overpowered you and freed Jennifer the moment we got here.

KURT RUSSELL

Trapped in a secluded snowy location during a blizzard with a killer pretending to be something they’re not who wants to kill me. THAT sure doesn’t sound familiar.

SAMUEL L. SUSPICIOUS-AS-FUCK JACKSON

Well you can trust me Kurt! I’m the most honest man in this hateful group because I’m pals with Abe Lincoln!

WALTON GOGGINS

Yeah right. That Lincoln letter of yours is faker than that orange shit Trump calls hair. You actually believe that letter is real, Kurt? Because I know a Nigerian Prince you might be interested in.

KURT RUSSELL

Oh my God Sam, you lied to me? But why?

SAMUEL L. LYING-ASS JACKSON

I’m a bastard. I have to be in order to survive in this white man’s world. That reminds me of a funny story. Did you guys know I killed Bruce’s son by shoving my black cock down his throat?

BRUCE DERN

SAY WHAT?!?!?!?!

SAMUEL L. SONFUCKING JACKSON

That’s right. I conveniently ran across him one day in a cutscene and upon realizing he was your boy I made him walk through the blistering cold ass naked then ordered him to give me a snowjob. And he loooooved it!

BRUCE DERN

Hey wait a minute, why should I believe you? You just admitted to being a lying asshole and I know you’re looking for any excuse to shoot me in the nuts. You conveniently being my son’s murderer doesn’t add up.

SAMUEL L. STAND-YOUR-GROUND JACKSON

True, but you’re old and stupid so just believe me so I can kill you in self defense.

BRUCE DERN

Oh alright. That sweepstakes was probably a scam anyway.

BRUCE pulls a gun. SAMUEL shoots him so fast the movie STOPS FOR 15 MINUTES.

QUENTIN TARANTINO (V.O.)

Ah! But while Sam distracted you with imaginary tales of mouth rape, you didn’t notice someone put poison in the coffee!

(pause)

Jesus, even in voice over I still sound like a pretentious dickwad.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

It just so happens I saw who poisoned the coffee! And now I’ll cackle evilly as Kurt drinks it!

KURT RUSSELL

I WHAT?! I’m gonna kill you you--

(vomits 8 gallons of blood!)

Goddamn bitch! You cunt ass--

(hurls up intestines!)

No good skank whore piece of--

(throws up lungs and spleen!)

WHY DOES QUENTIN HATE ME SO MUCH?!!?!?!?!

(vomits all remaining internal organs on top of 12 more gallons of blood!)

JENNIFER breaks her teeth on KURT'S KNUCKLES before she shoots him dead.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Shit, now I have a massive fucking dental bill AND I'm cuffed to a dead man. Maybe I shouldn’t have taunted Kurt so obviously when I knew he was about to die.

YOSEMITE SAMUEL L. JACKSON

(with guns akimbo)

Alright, first person that moves is getting his nuts shot off, except Walton, who I now trust.

WALTON GOGGINS

You mean because you were able to look past me calling you a nigger all those times and see me as the honest law man I am?

SAMUEL L. SHOT-CALLING JACKSON

Fuck no, honkey. But you WERE about to drink that poisoned coffee before Kurt stopped you so I know you didn’t do it. That leaves only Tim, Michael, and Demian as the possible culprit.

WALTON GOGGINS

So how do we figure out who done it?

SAMUEL L. NO-SHIT-SHERLOCK JACKSON

It’s elementary, my dear Walton. I’ve already deduced Demian is a cocksucking liar because the owner of this place was extremely racist towards Mexicans and would never leave him in charge.

DEMIAN BICHIR

But I didn’t poison the coffee, cabrón!

DIRTY SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Oh I know, but you did kill Mini, which wins you a first class ticket straight to Deadsville.

SAMUEL has modified his guns to shoot DYNAMITE and EXPLODES DEMIAN’S HEAD! For real.

SAMUEL L. IRONJAW JACKSON

That leaves Michael and Tim. If one of you doesn’t confess I’ll make you watch RoboCop and Oldboy, and I DON’T mean the originals!

MICHAEL MADSEN

Alright alright, I poisoned the coffee. I sorta have a thing for Goldie Hawn, and I just figured with Kurt out of the way I’d have a chance.

JUDGE SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Understandable. Now I must dispense vigilante justice by making Jennifer drink the poisoned coffee... Wait, what’s that sound?

WALTON GOGGINS

(listens)

...is that male stripper music? I think it’s coming from the basement!

CHANNING TATUM

Because that’s where I’ve been hiding this whole time, bitches!

He shoots up through the floor and hits SAMUEL right in his NUTS!

SAMUEL L. NUTLESS JACKSON

OH LORD JESUS NOT MY NUTS! Channing you bastard! Your bullet managed to somehow miss my dick entirely and get exactly both of my testicles! Which must have been stacked on top of each other somehow!

TIM ROTH

Ha! And now I suddenly have a gun somehow!

(shoots Walton!)

WALTON GOGGINS

WITNESS ME!

(shoots Tim!)

MICHAEL MADSEN

(is a useless lump the entire time)

INT. MINNIE’S HABERDASHERY - FLASHBACK

Before SAMUEL, KURT, WALTON and JENNIFER showed up:

CHANNING, MICHAEL, TIM and DEMIAN arrive and kill everyone in the shop including a USELESS ZOE BELL CAMEO, but leave BRUCE DERN alive.

CHANNING TATUM

Hello Bruce. I’ve decided to let you live so I have someone to explain my nefarious plan to. Jennifer is my sister and a part of my gang. I plan to kill Kurt and free her. All you have to do is sit there and be a senile old man.

BRUCE DERN

I was planning on doing that anyway home skillet.

(starts napping)

INT. MINNIE’S HABERDASHERY - PRESENT

SAMUEL is confined to a bed and WALTON appears to be mortally wounded. MICHAEL is still standing around like a DINGUS.

TIM ROTH

And I’m bleeding to death from a gunshot wound to the stomach surrounded by dangerous men who don’t trust me. THAT sure doesn’t ring any bells.

CHANNING TATUM

(still in the basement)

Why the hell did I allow Sam to get to that bed instead of unloading my gun into him through the floor?

SAMUEL L. CINEMA-SINS JACKSON

That's a really good question we won’t bother to explain.

WALTON GOGGINS

What exactly was your plan, Channing? You had the element of surprise and you blew it. You could have easily ambushed us the moment Kurt arrived with your sister and freed her.

CHANNING TATUM

I guess I’m all abs and no brains.

SAMUEL L. SHOOTS-FIRST JACKSON

Truer words. Toss up your hand cannons and come out of the basement or we shoot Jennifer right in her stink eye while excessively calling her a bitch, which is competing with nigger for most used slur in a Tarantino movie.

CHANNING comes out of the basement. He and JENNIFER are reunited in a truly touching moment that SAMUEL ruins by BLOWING the top of CHANNING’S HEAD clean OFF.

TIM and MICHAEL are also shot dead. SAMUEL has run out of EXPLOSIVE BULLETS.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

(covered with Channing’s brains)

Of all the fluids in Channing’s body this is the one women DON’T want to have all over their faces. Walton, let’s make a deal. Kill Samuel and you can have the bounties on my dead gang members.

WALTON GOGGINS

Kill Samuel? But black lives matter!

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Not this time! Come on, Walton. You're an American lawman. Shooting unarmed black dudes should be like second nature! So Deal or No Deal?

WALTON GOGGINS

Let me think about it NO DEAL! Honestly, chances are I’m not going to live long enough to collect the money anyway, but you were all too willing to let me drink that poisoned coffee so allow me to return the favor by shooting you right in your ugly goddamn erck!

(passes out!)

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Ha! A chance to escape! Fuck am I still cuffed to Kurt’s dead body? That’s nothing a hatchet won’t fix! Holy shit, when did this become The Walking Dead? Maybe Channing was able to crawl under a dumpster and survived.

JENNIFER hacks off KURT’s arm and dives for a gun but SAMUEL uses RACISM to revive WALTON and he stops her.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

Curses! I guess that's it for me. Please just splatter my brains and get it over with quick.

50 SHADES OF SAMUEL L. JACKSON

That would be the non-bastardly thing to do. But we are in fact mean bastards so we're going to honor Kurt’s legacy by viciously hanging you to death.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

But isn’t that a little sadistic given I’m a beaten helpless woman?

SAMUEL L. PROBABLY-GOING-TO-BLEED-TO-DEATH JACKSON

Are you kidding? You’re a murdering, lying, conniving, manipulative piece of human feces who conspired to kill every person here who wasn’t in your gang. If ANYBODY deserves to hang it’s you. And maybe Michael Madsen for being 300 pounds of dead weight.

JENNIFER JASON LEIGH

But

(points to lady hole)

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Oh, you don’t have any balls? Well neither do I!

SAMUEL and WALTON fashion a noose out of ULTRA PANAVISION 70MM FILM STOCK and hang JENNIFER DEAD.

WALTON GOGGINS

(looks at watch)

Hmm. The running time is still not quite at Titanic level yet. I had better spend an agonizingly long time to sloooowly read your fake Abe Lincoln letter like a 3rd grader who's failing English class.

SAMUEL L. OKAY-I'VE-RUN-OUT JACKSON

Hey, I just realized something. Do you know what the most amazing thing about this movie is?

WALTON GOGGINS

It doesn’t have a single jarring out of place pop culture song anywhere on the soundtrack?

COMPOSER ENNIO MORRICONE

That was me. I also convinced QT not to include any gratuitous foot fetish shots!

AUDIENCE

Hooray!

END

This script was made possible thanks to the support of Patrons like luord.

If you'd like to support the site, please check out our Patreon page where pledging can earn you access to an ad-free version of the site, early access to scripts, exclusive scripts, and other cool shit.

Discussion