Sherlock Holmes: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Feb 16th, 2010 |
58 Comments
| Movie: 
"Careful Holmes, Christopher Walken went through a lot to get me that watch."
FADE IN:
INT. JAIL
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. and JUDE LAW go to see MARK STRONG in JAIL.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Ah, diabolical Lord Mark Strong. Glad to see you’re finally going to be hanged for all of those murders you committed in a movie that would have probably been more entertaining than this one.
MARK STRONG
Curse you, Downey! I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you and your meddling sidekick!
JUDE LAW
My mustache disapproves of your murderous ways.
MARK STRONG
This isn’t over, Downey! The movie is just starting and I’ve been in way too many Guy Ritchie movies to die this early!
He is HANGED, U.S. style for some reason.
JUDE LAW
I pronounce this man dead with no pulse. I won’t bother checking his neck or anything, since that is convenient to the plot.
MARK is buried. The next day they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the LORD MARK STRONG.
EDDIE MARSAN
Oh fiddlesticks and jam! How will I solve this mystery?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Good morning, Inspector Marsan. I am Sherlock Holmes, a brilliant but eccentric detective. And by “detective,” I mean “action hero.”
JUDE LAW
And I’m a doctor, so I punch things.
EDDIE MARSAN
Sherlock Holmes, eh? And how will you be playing such an iconic character?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Well, I rescued my career from the grave with “cocky but charming” so I’m going with that.
EDDIE MARSAN
Alright. Well Lord Mark Strong was buried here but his tomb has been opened and he’s gone. Can you use some of that classic deductive reasoning?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I don’t really do reasoning. Mostly I’m into cold-reading and borderline-autistic observation.
EDDIE MARSAN
So you’re kind of a combination of John Edward and Rain Man?
JUDE LAW
With some Iron Man for personality!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. finds some clues but refuses to share them with the AUDIENCE so that nobody can play along, because what kind of MYSTERY MOVIE would let the audience actually try to solve the MYSTERY?
JUDE LAW
Robert, I’m worried. So far this movie is playing out like an actual detective film. We need to remember that this movie has been made for people with attention spans too short to read a 6-page short story.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
You’re right! We need some pointless CGI, chase sequences, and fight scenes! To the London shipyard!
JUDE LAW
Great, what clues bring us there?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
(hurried English mumbling)
JUDE LAW
Good enough for me!
There are some ACTION SEQUENCES and ROBERT gets into a FISTFIGHT!
JUDE LAW
Sherlock Holmes in a fistfight? Really?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
It’s alright, during the fight I’m using what appears to be deductive reasoning to complete morons.
ROBERT wins the FIGHT against BAD GUYS while GUY RICHIE loses the FIGHT against REALISTIC-LOOKING CGI.
ROBERT and JUDE encounter RACHEL MCADAMS.
RACHEL MCADAMS
Hello again Robert. It is I, a random female with whom you have a history.
JUDE LAW
Rachel McAdams? You belong in this movie about as much as Downey at a Straight Edge convention.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Judging by the complete apathy in casting your role, I deduce that you are here almost exclusively to help set up a sequel. Therefore you must be working for my adversary in the next film, Moriarty.
RACHEL MCADAMS
No shit, Sherlock. He wants me to steal whatever device Lord Mark Strong is going to use in his next murder.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Then we must figure out the location of the murder and end the film before the audience figures out they’ve been duped into watching a prequel to a non-existent film!
ROBERT places a map on the floor and marks the location of each of MARK STRONG’s murders.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Now, as you can see, the old murder spots draw a pentagram on a map.
JUDE LAW
Naturally. Wouldn’t be a poorly written detective movie about the occult without it.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
But more theology is needed to make this stuff seem truly mystical, so you may also notice that the newer set of murders draw three points of a cross! Like in Christianity!
RACHEL MCADAMS
Brilliant! More nonsense!
JUDE LAW
And look, along the line forming the west side of the cross are an infinite number of spots, one of which is Parliament!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
And Parliament is somehow connected to a Lion, which is connected to Eagles, Oxes, and Men! Where are related to the Sphinx! Which is a cool drawing I made on the floor!
RACHEL MCADAMS
My head is spinning from how retarded this all is! To Parliament!
INT. PARLIAMENT
MARK STRONG has gathered the MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT together.
MARK STRONG
I’m going to murder all of you unless someone explains to me how to loosen the collar on my fucking shirt!
ROBERT, RACHEL, and JUDE arrive and dismantle MARK’S MURDER DEVICE. RACHEL then steals it and runs 3 miles to the TOWER BRIDGE in about 10 seconds.
MARK STRONG
Give me back my MurderGas, Mean Girls!
RACHEL MCADAMS
No! I’ll never let it fall back into the wrong hands until I give it over to a different set of wrong hands!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I’ve figured out everything you did, Mark! And now I’m going to waste twenty minutes explaining all of it right before killing you!
He DOES. MARK STRONG dies.
JUDE LAW
You cracked the case, Robert!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Not only that, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that you’re moving out and getting engaged!
JUDE LAW
Wonderful! I can’t wait for the bachelor party you throw for me!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
You bet, old chap! There’ll be hookers, drugs, and me snorting cocaine off your dick!
JUDE LAW
Ha! Wait, what?
END
I found this film to be immensely entertaining — that is, all the way up until the point I got indigestion and some kind of anomalous bowel blockage that caused my mood to suffer as a result.
Still, for the first 50 minutes or so, I was immensely entertained at the preposterous but nonetheless highly amusing character interplay transpiring in front of my face.
Though it should be noted that after relieving myself in the cinema toilets, I found it difficult to gauge the film's overall quality due to still riding the pleasure-wave of post watery feces discharge — but I'm almost certain Sherlock Holmes was 'good.'
Funny script, btw.
February 16th, 2010 at 2:38 pmrippng good show oold sport
February 16th, 2010 at 2:58 pmWell, Holmes was mentioned as an ex-fist-fighter in The Sign of the Four. So it isn't that much of a stretch.
February 16th, 2010 at 3:14 pmFirst. Not bad, not the best.
February 16th, 2010 at 3:22 pm"ROBERT DOWNEY JR. finds some clues but refuses to share them with the AUDIENCE so that nobody can play along, because what kind of MYSTERY MOVIE would let the audience actually try to solve the MYSTERY?"
This is actually pretty much what happens in lots of the original Sherlock Holmes stories. Probably the only point of similarity!
February 16th, 2010 at 4:00 pm"ROBERT wins the FIGHT against BAD GUYS while GUY RICHIE loses the FIGHT against REALISTIC-LOOKING CGI."
Sums up the whole movie, right there. This would be unwatchable without Downey Jr.
February 16th, 2010 at 4:38 pmRod, you excel yourself! Excellent Work.
February 16th, 2010 at 4:39 pmGoing a bit down in quality lately. (That's the last 6 months since posting frequency has gone down)
February 16th, 2010 at 5:25 pmI honestly loved this movie, and funny enough, it is very close to the original stories in many ways. Holmes actually does get in fistfights. At one point he pistol-whips some guy to death after he shoots Watson. Watson is also totally badass, beating people to death with his cane, shooting them, throwing chairs, punching, etc. It’s highly entertaining. Also in the books Holmes generally doesn’t reveal the clues until the end so you can’t play along, that type of murder mystery didn’t come along until later.
That being said, I loved the script, particularly Watson’s, “I’m a doctor, so I punch people” line. That sums it up pretty well.
Also, Jude Law’s ’stache was pretty awesome.
February 16th, 2010 at 11:47 amMore like Sherlock Okay I Guess.
Allow me to illustrate the Batman Begins similarities!
1) Villain leaves beginning of film only to return for third act.
2) Plot involving noxious gas and new technology.
3) Includes broad stupid villain speech like "We will end the world overnight," "change is coming for everyone" such and such; cleansing crusade
4) Climax where hero allows villain to construct his own death
5) Fight scenes suck
6) Movie isn't very good
Also an action movie convention that was made fun of in a different Robert Downey Jr. movie (Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang) is actually used here. "Wow, look at that suspension bridge, Watson… I think I'm going to be fighting on top of it later."
February 16th, 2010 at 9:20 pmI think the clues they used were GINGER MIDGET
February 17th, 2010 at 3:39 pmOne of the best Abridged Scripts in a while. Short and simple, like a good joke. The Avatar and 2012 scipts were too long and too detailed for how simple the original stories were.
February 17th, 2010 at 4:46 pm…wow
February 17th, 2010 at 9:25 pmActually, Edgar Allen Poe was writing C. Auguste Dupin stories before Sherlock Holmes.
And C. Auguste Dupin gives you a lot of information to figure out the killer before the end
February 17th, 2010 at 10:52 pmDo retards feel stupid when they type "First" and then discover they are not?
F A I L
February 18th, 2010 at 4:55 amthe movie was so…. i mean it was not boring it was fun but all of it felt like a single scene, so this was a boring abridged script for me. cos i don't remember a single scene from the movie. so i don't get the jokes.
February 18th, 2010 at 5:25 amyou're an ass. good parody is a talent. rod rocks.
February 18th, 2010 at 6:34 amI enjoyed this much more than the film!
Favorite line –
JUDE LAW
February 18th, 2010 at 7:29 amAnd I’m a doctor, so I punch things.
The thing that gave me the biggest laugh in this script, no lie, was Rachel McAdams saying "No shit, Sherlock".
Because, it's like a popular sarcastic saying now, but the guy's name is actually Sherlock!
February 19th, 2010 at 1:04 amwin nerd wins at winning :D
February 19th, 2010 at 4:17 amWow look at how smart you are.
February 20th, 2010 at 1:21 amI really enjoyed how you wanted to show off your skills by posting a reply that has no value in regards to the original comment
Moriarity?
February 20th, 2010 at 1:51 amI really hope that's a Kelly's Heroes joke…….
Brilliance! Exactly my thoughts when watching this!
February 20th, 2010 at 4:59 pmHave you read any Holmes stories, Rod? Holmes withholding vital information before his big reveal at the end is actually a pretty standard trope.
February 20th, 2010 at 8:11 pm7) "Your next case is The Joker."
February 22nd, 2010 at 4:12 amDisagree with you on 5 and 6, Sean, but you're spot-on about the others! Batman Begins is still the best comic book film of the decade – if you're going to steal, steal from the best.
Personally I thought this particular film started well, then tumbled off the rails a little. Downey Jr. ran the show.
February 24th, 2010 at 9:45 pmAgreed, agreed… but as I said before, is that really a bad thing?
February 24th, 2010 at 9:46 pmDupin's comment relates plenty to the claim "that type of murder mystery didn't come along until later." If, Some Guy, you had read the entire OP, then you would know this. When you rip on someone for being an ass, you need to take ten seconds to figure out what the hell you're talking about. You might get more respect than you deserve by generating complete sentences, too.
February 25th, 2010 at 2:18 amnope! ever heard of professor james moriarty?
February 25th, 2010 at 7:51 amYeah, I had no problems with that comment, I stand corrected, no need to cuss him out, it’s fine :).
February 25th, 2010 at 1:51 pmI wonder how many youngsters will only recognize him as that trickster hologram from Star Trek
February 26th, 2010 at 5:14 amThere’ll be hookers, drugs, and me snorting cocaine off your dick!
Let me know when this part is filmed.
February 28th, 2010 at 10:27 amWhat the hell? In the screenshot, lower-left corner: anyone else notice that hole in the lady's dress? And is that skin I see showing through?
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:42 amthe movie was fine, but i dident like the whole Holmes dos fistfights thing. i just dont link Holmes with bare-knuckle boxing.
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:17 pmThis was not good parody so YOU'RE an ass. Gooddaytoyousir!
March 5th, 2010 at 1:42 pmJust saw Alice in Wonderland and it is BEGGING for TER treatment. Rob, I'm sure you're going to be rubbing your hands together in glee as you watch, because there is just so much potential material.
March 6th, 2010 at 8:43 pmHolmes boxing and Watson being a good fighter would be surprising…for anyone who hasn't actually read a Holmes story. Watson was a military doctor and received military training and Holmes is stated to have a background in certain fighting styles. Anyone who thinks Holmes is not an action hero has not read Holmes.
March 8th, 2010 at 7:54 amWrite more, damn it. I'm going to stop coming to the site if you only update every 3 months.
March 15th, 2010 at 8:17 pmI hope not. That'd be worse than the time you see Aunt Mae's nipple in Spiderman when she's being checked into the hospital.
March 16th, 2010 at 4:17 pmHey Rod, since you try to do 12 scripts a year does that mean we can expect to Alice in Wonderland sometime next week??
March 16th, 2010 at 7:19 pmRod updates once a month on average now because it's his job for some magazine, right? So it shouldn't be too much longer.
But the "Posting someday" mouse-over really should have been given a date by now… What's the point of having it when he only puts in the date right before the script comes out?
March 16th, 2010 at 9:39 pm"No shit, Sherlock."
I was only half expecting this to be in here LOL
March 18th, 2010 at 4:15 pm"It’s alright, during the fight I’m using what appears to be deductive reasoning to complete morons."
It doesn't appear to be deductive reasoning and isn't supposed to. It is supposed to look like planning, which it is.
Also, the CGI effects in this film were pretty near impeccable and, as previous comments have noted, the story and characterisation were also very close to the source material.
Other than that, as enjoyable an abridged script as I have come to expect, though I suspect that you may have chosen to do this film solely for the opportunity to use the phrase "no shit, Sherlock".
March 19th, 2010 at 12:40 pmMost of the complains about this film come from people comparing Downey Jr’s Sherlock with Peter Cushing’s Sherlock, not Conan Doyle’s.
March 26th, 2010 at 2:15 pmThe “play along” type of mystery: you are thinking Agatha Christie.
And to people complaining about coming regularily and not founding updates, RSS exists.
If you losse some time reading six page stories, you wold see that there is a lot of fistfight in Sherlock Holmes Books. But I gess it is not the point.
April 1st, 2010 at 2:52 amThis film recked the finest detective literature in history. Someone should shoot the director!
April 2nd, 2010 at 7:19 amPhew. I thought I was going to have to mention it!
April 4th, 2010 at 12:20 amIf you ask me, though I could watch RDJ play 100 variations on Iron Man all day and still ask for more, Jude Law steals the show as a surprisingly awesome Watson. Aaaaalmost enough to get me over such a wretchedly bad script.
April 4th, 2010 at 12:24 amWoah, what were you expecting?
And Christ, it's not like Sherlock Holmes is some kind of pristine virgin canon… it's been trampled on so often that I'm not sure I care any more. I actually hate Basil Rathbone more, because more people think of him as the 'real' Sherlock Holmes. No-one is going to be making that mistake with this film!
April 4th, 2010 at 12:37 amI would like to comment on two errors in this script.
1. Watson DOES check Blackwood's pulse, so his declaration is sensible.
2. Rachel McAdams' character is not a random female. Her character is in the books, though portrayed differently.
Of course, these explanations are too logical for you to care, now aren't they?
April 4th, 2010 at 9:45 pmwould it not be "win nerd wins at nerding"?
April 13th, 2010 at 2:51 amCan somebody explain the caption to me? Sorry if it's really obvious. I hope my ignorance is not as offensive as that of the commenter who criticised Rod for "incorrectly" calling the fiance on I love you man Karen Fillipelli. I got that joke, but I don't get this caption, so somebody please explain it to me.
April 13th, 2010 at 2:55 amIndeed, because a throwaway line in one story is reason enough to turn Holmes into an action star. Never mind the fact that there next to no detective work involved so long has he kicks ass nonstop.
April 18th, 2010 at 6:38 pm@ EssBee:
It’s a Pulp Fiction reference. Fast forward to Walken’s scene and enjoy.
@ everyone and no one in particular:
I know I’m a little late to the party, but I finally got around to watching this.
I know the TV show House is based on Holmes, but the relationship between Holmes and Watson here seems reverse engineered from House and Wilson.
As in, mild-mannered straight arrow barely tolerates co-dependent genius asshole. It was fun but distracting
By the way, where the fuck did Mark Strong come from, and why has no one noticed that he’s a pod person who took over Andy Garcia’s body?
April 18th, 2010 at 8:24 pmwell now would you have really bothered seeing it if it was some stuffy Englishman you never heard of harumphing, smoking a pipe, and saying Eureka or some shit? NO. Hollywood knew that too, and they thank you for the $10-$40 bucks you spent.
June 9th, 2010 at 6:18 pmAction movie vs. Mystery. This was an action movie and – guess what! – it blew!
Also, ripped it online. still got the 40… really, 40 dollars? damn you pay a lot for movies.
June 11th, 2010 at 5:40 pmYou forgot Mark Strong being sentenced to death for black magic. They MIGHT have still had laws banning witch craft by late 19th century England, but they certainly didn't consider it at all something that someone could be charged with (or even taken seriously on).
June 19th, 2010 at 11:47 pmWell I guess he was hanged for like 5 murders and not for witchcraft…
The abridged script was great, although the movie was actually funny (three stars were appropriate).
It would be light-years better, if those hollywood cliches would be dropped sometimes.
Also I think Mark Strong would make excellent Sherlock Holmes (funny enough, he looks almost exactly the same as first SH portrayals, at least in this movie) and Robert Downey would be great as corrupted lord badguy type…
Is it just me or hollywood movies from last decade seems to be strangely miscast?
July 5th, 2010 at 9:15 am