The Abridged Script
EXT. VAST FROZEN PICTURESQUE LANDSCAPE OF SYMBOLIC HARSHNESS
RUGGED TACITURN ANGRYBROW FRONTIERMAN LEONARDO DICAPRIO is hunting for food with his HALF-NATIVE SON, FORREST GOODLUCK.
Dad, did you hear something?
Huh? Sorry, I was distracted by how horribly ironic your name is gonna turn out to be.
Their camp is ATTACKED by an ARIKARA HUNTING PARTY! A bunch of trappers desperately hide behind trees and in underbrush only to be UTTERLY FRAGGED by ARROWS! Others flee madly only to be SHOT DOWN! Meanwhile LEO and TOM HARDY parade around yelling at people and are fine!
STOP GETTING SHOT YOU IDIOTS hm, all this chaos would be the perfect backdrop for Tom Hardy to save his own skin by killing my son and leaving me for dead... which would be nice and efficient plot-wise, but we know what people paid to see, and it isn't me NOT getting fucked up by a bear! C'mon everyone, to the boat!
RUGGED TACITURN ANGRYBROW FRONTIERMAN LEONARDO DICAPRIO, CAPTAIN DOMHNALL GLEESON, TOM HARDY, WILL POULTER, and some RANDOM GOOBERS manage to escape! The ravaged camp is surveyed by the ARIKARA CHIEF played by DUANE HOWARD, and I guess if THE ROCK can be DWAYNE JOHNSON, then a badass warrior Chief can be DUANE HOWARD.
My daughter was taken by trappers like these, and I will not rest until we find her, using my very particular set of skills. So... any luck, anyone? Did someone check that pile of corpses we shot with flaming arrows?
EXT. THE HARSH ROUGH SHORELINE OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT
RUGGED TACITURN ANGRYBROW FRONTIERMAN LEONARDO DICAPRIO and the group discuss their options.
Leo says we gotta ditch the boat, bury our trade goods, and hike on foot after swiftly kicking ourselves in the nards. I trust him because he is one with the land and is a perfect tracker and knows everything about everything, thanks to his years living with the Mary Sioux tribe.
Bargl grall lrp flrnck shplt fucking bullshit wrggh
What's your problem Tom? I mean, I literally can't understand ninety percent of what you're saying. What the hell accent are you aiming for?
Glrnk smulk hrp
EXT. VAST TOWERING FOREST OF SYMBOLIC HARSHNESS
RUGGED TACITURN ANGRYBROW FRONTIERMAN LEONARDO DICAPRIO is out hunting for food when he is attacked by a BEAR! The BEAR throws him roughly to the forest floor and starts GOING TO TOWN!
ARRGHH NOOO IT'S JUST MAULING ME, NO FUNNY BUSINESS, HONEST
The BEAR gives LEO the POUNDING OF HIS LIFE!
AAAGHH RAAARGHH ONLY CLAWS THOUGH, CLAWS AND MAYBE SOME TEETH BUT STRICTLY FOR NUTRITIONAL USE, IT'S NOT WEIRD
The BEAR flips LEO onto his FRONT and really GIVES IT TO HIM HARD!
C'MON PEOPLE IT'S JUST EATING ME ALIVE, THAT'S ALL, I MEAN THIS BEAR'S GOTTA BE AT LEAST 30 YEARS OLD, YOU KNOW I DON'T MESS AROUND WITH ANYTHING OVER 22
Finally LEO manages to kill the BEAR and the other trappers find the SPENT, BRUISED BODY of LEO on the forest floor.
My God he's horribly torn up. And yet not missing any hands, feet, or limbs, plus all his organs are still on the inside. Should be nothing a Rambo-esque self-cauterizing can't cure. With luck he'll be up and grimacing in no time!
Bgog flnrr he's totes fucked grwzz
EXT. FRENCH CAMP ELSEWHERE IN TOWERING FOREST OF SYMBOLIC HARSHNESS
The ARIKARA HUNTING PARTY approaches a group of FRENCH TRADERS.
We need horses to continue the search for my daughter.
My interpreter says you need horses. Let's all three of us talk about this at once with subtitles flying around making it really fucking hard to know who's saying what in what language.
(in French and with subtitles explaining that fact)
You can have all the fucking subtitles you want if I get my horses.
(reverse-Google-translated from Spanish subtitles)
Okay, okay, take them and leave, in that direction please and not towards where we're holding your daughter hostage OOOPS what I didn't say anything. Cry for help? What cry for help, that was a mating call of some bird probably.
EXT. BESIDE A CREEK IN THE TOWERING FOREST OF SYMBOLIC HARSHNESS
Damn, it's too hard carrying rugged taciturn angrybrow frontierman Leonardo DiCaprio on his stretcher through this harsh, symbolic landscape. No WAY we're getting all those adjectives up that ravine. Better to shoot him now.
I... can't do it. We'll have to leave him here, then our reinforcements can come back and get him, and our pelts. Maybe pick up my dry cleaning. But we need three guards.
Gmlgh bwrf pek ill do it
You've said five hundred times we should just kill Leo. Why in hell would I agree to... okay fine you stay, along with Leo's scrawny kid and this cowering man-infant we call Will Poulter. Yup, foolproof plan.
EXT. LATER ON, DURING THE DARK MIDNIGHT OF THE SOUL
TOM waits until he and LEO are alone and then approaches LEO's bundled immobilized form.
Smekh zrg you wanna die just blink pdrf qml
Bwwgrg xywk you want suffocate just shiver
Whllp vrnt you want stabbed just plank
Eventually LEO agrees and BLINKS, or maybe his eyes finally dried out after TOM staring at him for twenty minutes. TOM begins suffocating him but at that moment FORREST returns!
Help! Help! Tom's trying to kill my Dad! Help! I guess I'm just calling out to the one awkward noob who's with us but HELP!
Grng fight jrmmnl?
Nope, just gonna stand and yell! That's it! HELLLP
TOM stashes FORREST'S body and then, with nothing to stop him, goes right back to smothering LEO and kills him and the movie ends OH WAIT no he doesn't, it's the next morning? Huh? Why the hell didn't TOM just
(rushing about madly)
HRMP FLUG INJUNS RULPHH!!!
TOM stuffs LEO into a HOLE and he and WILL POULTER take off.
EXT. GRAVE OF METAPHOR WITHIN THE TOWERING FOREST OF HARSH SYMBOLISM - LATER
The abandoned pile of Earth begins to stir. A hand emerges and grabs the dirt outside, and from the rough pit where RUGGED TACITURN ANGRYBROW FRONTIERMAN LEONARDO DICAPRIO was buried--emerges RUGGED TACITURN ANGRYBROW FRONTIERMAN LEONARDO DICAPRIO.
Arrrghh... son... dead! Body... ravaged!
(crawls along rough ground)
Must... grunt... in... pain!
(drags self through muck)
Must... clench... teeth!
(pulls body through acid-laced razor wire)
ARE YOU ALL GETTING THIS?! This is how a fucking MASTER does awards-BAITING, people, so pay attention!
The camera ZOOMS IN as LEO proceeds to BREATHE DEEP AND HARD and even FOGS UP THE CAMERA LENS with his HEAVY HEAVY BREATHING.
So weak... hungry... I would even... choke a chicken... to survive.
Some ARIKARA approach, so LEO drags himself to the riverbank and with a mighty twist of his torso, JERKS HIMSELF OFF the edge into the river!
Musn't... drown! Must grab hold of... stiff wood!
LEO WORKS HIS HARD WOOD downriver, his motion growing ever more FRENZIED as he repeatedly BANGS HIS BIG HEAD against the rocks. Eventually he reaches shore and RELEASES HIS BURDEN, collapsing backward as a look of agony and exhaustion COMES ALL OVER HIS OWN FACE.
EXT. RIVERBANK OF BRIEF RESPITE - NEXT MORNING
RUGGED TACITURN ANGRYBROW FRONTIERMAN LEONARDO DICAPRIO awakes and manages to catch a FISH which he EATS all RAW AND GROSS STYLE! He hears thundering hooves nearby and goes to look, finding a CGI HORDE OF BISON!
My God, those fake-looking bison might be the most painful thing in this whole damn movie.
One of the BISON gets taken down by wolves or coyotes or Wargs or something. Later, LEO goes to scavenge the carcass only to find a PAWNEE HUNTER has beaten him to it!
Hello, I was drawn to this spot by the three large, searingly hot fires you've set. I don't suppose you were planning to eat all forty pounds of those raw organs yourself?
PAWNEE HUNTER GUY
Keep your distance, white man. But I can see, by the light of these three giant flesh-cooking fires, that you are wounded and hungry. Catch!
LEO and the PAWNEE HUNTER sit down and eat the DISGUSTING GOOPY RAW ORGANS right smack next to the THREE ENORMOUS RAGING OPEN-BBQ FIRES.
INT. FORT SYMBOLIC OF MAN'S ATTEMPT TO CARVE CIVILIZATION OUT OF THE TOWERING HARSH FOREST
TOM HARDY and WILL POULTER have made it back to the FORT.
So, I assume you gave Leo a proper burial? And that when we go back to get those pelts, we'll find a decent grave? I'll interpret Will's mute, catatonic trembling as confirmation you did all that.
Ygmurgg brllch totes gimme money nwrtr
Heck even if you're lying, worst case is Leo shows up all grumpy and gets his stuff back, so--
(notices sets, costumes, cameras)
--right, MOVIE version, Dom, MOVIE version.
EXT. VAST FROZEN PICTURESQUE LANDSCAPE OF SYMBOLIC HARSHNESS
RUGGED TACITURN ANGRYBROW FRONTIERMAN LEONARDO DICAPRIO and the PAWNEE HUNTER are taking a break.
Hey it's snowing. I'm gonna catch a flake on my tongue.
(sticks out tongue)
(thrusts out tongue)
Well we could keep this up all day but I should really build you a sweat lodge.
For HEALING, dammit.
LEO gets stuffed into the SWEAT TENT and has visions of his ANGELIC DEAD WIFE who symbolizes PEACE and LOVE and HAPPINESS and SAFETY and MARSHMALLOW LOLLIPOPS and basically EVERYTHING TRUE AND GOOD except for having any shred of individual identity whatsoever.
Then he dreams of finding a RUINED CHURCH and his SON WHO DIED FOR HIM is there and WHOOAAAAAHH DUUUUUDE
Awaking, he leaves the SWEAT TENT to find PAWNEE HUNTER GUY has been HANGED by the FRENCH TRADERS and the HEAD FRENCHIE is busy raping DUANE HOWARD'S DAUGHTER.
Fuck those fucking French assholes am I right?
Be fair, we couldn't have your group be TOO evil or the audience would want you dead. And since we're trying to treat the Pawnee as vaguely real people, that leaves us to do all the truly despicable shit.
Fucking lying racist murdering rapist French fucks!!
(fucks up Frenchies)
(wipes ass with French flag)
EXT. DESOLATE YET CAPTIVATING SYMBOLIC LANDSCAPE OF MEANING - THE NEXT MORNING
Some ARIKARA spot RUGGED TACITURN ANGRYBROW FRONTIERMAN LEONARDO DICAPRIO and start ATTACKING!
ARIKARA HUNTING PARTY
Damn, we used up all our "+4 to hit" arrows back in the first scene! Now we can't even take Leo down from like twenty feet away!
RUGGED TACITURN ANGRYBROW FRONTIERMAN LEONARDO DICAPRIO drives his horse RIGHT OFF A FUCKING CLIFF and through a GIANT TREE straight into the FUCKING GROUND because hey what's another two hundred massive internal injuries at this point. When he finally regains consciousness he realizes his only option is to go FULL TAUNTAUN.
(cutting open horse)
(pulling out all organs)
THAT I GO THROUGH
FOR YOU PEOPLE
With grim determination, RUGGED TACITURN ANGRYBROW FRONTIERMAN LEONARDO DICAPRIO squeezes his scrawny, tiniest-possible-glimpse-of-ass form into the HORSE CARCASS. Then, as the following dawn breaks over the new day, like a butterfly from its chrysalis emerges--RUGGED TACITURN ANGRYBROW FRONTIERMAN LEONARDO DICAPRIO.
INT. SYMBOLIC METAFORT OF MEANING AND SHIT
Hey, that canteen this random hunter found, it's the one I carved a pattern on, and left with Leo! He must be... ALIVE!
Or the Frenchies looted Leo's grave, and given their dirty French proclivities they likely fucked his corpse while covered in vichyssoise. But let's go with your theory!
The search party heads out and FINDS LEO! When they return it turns out TOM HARDY has bolted.
Damn, somehow he located the safe sitting in the middle of the room, and fiendishly deduced that the secret combination was dynamiting it open! Curse his foul cunning!
Don't blame Will. It... was all Tom. But now I can track him down for you. I've got him right where I want him... cornered and trapped... in the wide open giant plains of the American wilderness.
No, I really do lay it out like that. Tom has the whole fucking countryside at his disposal but my tracking powers are just SO AWESOME that he might as well be cowering in a shoe box.
EXT. VAST DESOLATE LANDSCAPE OF SYMBOLIC METAMORPHOSIS
LEO and DOMHNALL GLEESON track down TOM HARDY and since their only advantage is superior numbers, they SPLIT UP. Unsurprisingly MAD MAX is able to take down GENERAL HUX without breaking a sweat.
(finding dead Gleeson)
Dammit. I can only assume Tom's watching me right now and I'm fucked.
Or I could assume that he took off and is waiting for me at some other random point, despite having the perfect chance to finish me off right here and now.
Alright then. Looks like I have all the time I want to set up the perfect trap, secure in the knowledge that Tom will just sit and wait obligingly.
LEO props up DEAD AS A DOMHNALL on LEO'S HORSE and then DRAPES HIMSELF FACEDOWN over the other horse as though he were DEAD GLEESON. This is not shown to the AUDIENCE but EVERY SINGLE LAST PERSON FIGURES THIS OUT ANYWAY. Well, everyone except TOM HARDY, who totes falls for it.
Phew, Tom stopped on the side of my horse where I can shoot him! I just realized this plan had a 50/50 chance of me winding up ass-first to Tom and being completely fucked.
LEO SHOOTS and TOM SHOOTS and they both run into the nearby woods so they can play DEADLY HIDE-AND-SEEK since every serious important dramatic movie should end like a 1980s COP SHOW. But their bullets RUN OUT so it's KNIFE-FIGHTIN' TIME!
Check out who brought an axe to a knife fight!
(slices off Tom's fingers)
Brazhg lfrnk fuck you!
(stabs Leo's hand)
TOM and LEO continue to inflict HAND DAMAGE on each other until finally LEO gets the UPPER MANGLED HAND on TOM--but just as he's about to deliver the killing blow, spots DUANE HOWARD and his men across the river.
Revenge is in God's hands.
Or rather, the hands of those guys over there who also want you dead. But it's not up to me! Who knows what'll happen!
LEO pushes TOM downstream to the ARIKARA where they KILL HIM BUT GOOD.
My daughter has told of how you rescued her. So in gratitude we'll leave you here, alone and cold and badly wounded. Toodles!
The ARIKARA leave. Having found his revenge, the man who so long ago was merely RUGGED TACITURN ANGRYBROW FRONTIERMAN LEONARDO DICAPRIO climbs labouredly up the ridge and gazes into the distance with new eyes, for he is now--RUGGED TACITURN ANGRYBROW FRONTIERMAN LEONARDO DICAPRIO.
What an epic journey of self-
indulgencediscovery. But it comes at great cost. It has been... so scarring.
(looks RIGHT AT THE FUCKING CAMERA FOR REAL I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING)
S... OSCAR... rring.
JUST FUCKING GIMME MY FUCKING OSCAR YOU FUCKING FUCKS