"Damn! I'm too late! I'll get you next time Kool-Aid Man!"


"Damn! I'm too late! I'll get you next time Kool-Aid Man!"

COLOMBIANA

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. COLOMBIA

YOUNG ZOE SALDANA watches her parents get killed RIGHT IN FFFFFFRONT OF HER!

YOUNG ZOE

Actually, they're killed someplace else off screen and I just hear the gunshots, but that wouldn't have made for a very good line in the trailer.

Drug lord JORDI MOLLA appears.

JORDI MOLLA

Hello Zoe. I killed your parents right in ffffffront of you because your dad stole an SD flash card from my boss Beto Benites and he wants it back.

YOUNG ZOE

Wait a second, this part of the movie takes place in 1992 and SD flash cards didn't come out until 1997. Why sell drugs when you can just patent that shit and make bazillions in legal cash?

JORDI MOLLA

Were you really expecting realism and authenticity from the same guy who thought casting Chris Tucker as an Intergalactic Drag Queen would be comedic gold?

YOUNG ZOE

Touché. Well since we're throwing realism under the bus, this next scene should come as absolutely no surprise!

YOUNG ZOE CLIMBS DOWN a THREE STORY BUILDING using PARKOUR, OUTRUNS a dozen FULLY GROWN MEN including one guy on a MOTORCYCLE, and ESCAPES!

JORDI MOLLA

Holy shit, did I just get owned by a 10 year old girl? And I'm supposed to be the main villain? It's a wonder I don't drop dead right now from sheer embarrassment.

EXT. CHICAGO

YOUNG ZOE uses the SD FLASH CARD to buy her way to AMERICA and meets up with her uncle, CLIFF CURTIS.

YOUNG ZOE

Uncle Cliff, I want you to teach me how to be a killer so I can avenge my dead parents.

CLIFF CURTIS

(pinching Young Zoe's cheek)

Of course I will, sweetheart. But not until you graduate from school.

YOUNG ZOE

School? I don't need no stinking school! Didn't you just see me use parkour a second ago? I'm more badass than Xena: Warrior Princess!

CLIFF CURTIS

This is still 1992, Zoe. Xena didn't come out until 1995. If you went to school, or had access to Google, like the writers of this movie did, you'd know that.

YOUNG ZOE

Well I'm still not too crazy about this whole going to school business.

CLIFF CURTIS

Oh, you're going.

YOUNG ZOE

Yeah? Or you'll what?

CLIFF pulls out a GUN and SHOOTS UP THE ENTIRE FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD! POLICE arrive and DO NOT arrest him for some reason.

YOUNG ZOE

So basically if I don't do what you say you'll shoot me? Nice uncle-ing there, Cliff.

INT. CALIFORNIA - 15 YEARS LATER

ZOE SALDANA pretends to be DRUNK DRIVING and gets herself ARRESTED while wearing a SEXY DISGUISE.

INEPT COP

I'll just use a breathalyzer on you to check your alcohol level.

(pause)

Oh wait, no I won't. I'll just take your word for it instead.

ZOE is put in JAIL where she changes into a SEXY CAT SUIT and crawls through CRAMPED AIR VENTS so she can get to some DRUG DEALING DOUCHEBAG locked up nearby who works for BETO BENITES.

DRUG DEALING DOUCHEBAG

Your outfit is so tight everybody can see your nipples. You know that, right?

ZOE SALDANA

How else is Luc Besson going to get an erection?

DRUG DEALING DOUCHEBAG

This is true.

ZOE KILLS HIM and FRAMES an INNOCENT COP for the murder.

AUDIENCE

Was he a crooked cop or something?

ZOE SALDANA

Nope, just some poor bastard who probably had a wife and kids and a mortgage and now he'll be doing hard time in Ass Raping Prison for first degree murder.

AUDIENCE

And YOU'RE supposed to be the hero?

FBI AGENT LENNIE JAMES investigates a series of IDENTICAL MURDERS of BETO BENITES' men.

LENNIE JAMES

Clearly a woman didn't do this, so I will ignore any and all evidence that says otherwise.

Meanwhile...

ZOE FUCKS her boyfriend MICHAEL VARTAN, who is FRENCH and is in NO WAY a stand-in for the film's FRENCH WRITER/PRODUCER. In NO WAY at ALL. HONEST.

ZOE SALDANA

(getting dressed)

Time for me to kill more people that had nothing to do with my parents' death!

INT. DRUG DEALING FUCKWIT'S MANSION

DRUG DEALING FUCKWIT

I am so rich and powerful I have a pool filled with sharks underneath my glass floor! I can't see how this could EVER come back to BITE ME in the ASS!

ZOE breaks in while wearing a SEXY SWIMSUIT and feeds him to the SHARKS!

DRUG DEALING FUCKWIT

Oh no! I don't know what's going to kill me first: the SHARKS or the IRONY!

(gets eaten... by irony!)

INT. ZOE'S APARTMENT

The FBI RAIDS THE JOINT! ZOE ESCAPES, but we can't see how because the CAMERA is constantly focused on ZOE'S ASS in SEXY BOOTY SHORTS!

AUDIENCE

Look, I know she's hot, okay? But can't the filmmakers go two scenes without sexually objectifying the main character?

DIRECTOR OLIVIER MEGATON

Hey! We know our audience! Geeks and nerds love this shit! The success of Catwoman, Elektra, Æon Flux, Ultraviolet, BloodRayne, Barb Wire and Sucker Punch proves it! Oh, wait...

AUDIENCE

Hasn't anyone noticed that action movies like Aliens, Terminator 2 and Kill Bill where the lead female character isn't sexualized tend to play much better with audiences?

EVERY EXECUTIVE IN HOLLYWOOD

Nope! And we never will, either!

Meanwhile, JORDI MOLLA comes to Chicago and KILLS CLIFF CURTIS! This forces ZOE to seek the help of LENNIE JAMES at his APARTMENT.

ZOE SALDANA

Help me kill Jordi Molla and Beto Benites or I will murder you, your wife and your kids.

LENNIE JAMES

Even though I know for a fact you have killed a shitload of people, I will decide not to take your threat seriously.

LENNIE sits down.

ZOE SALDANA

That chair you just sat on? There's a bomb underneath it.

There REALLY IS.

LENNIE JAMES

Hey, how'd you know I'd decide to sit here and not anywhere else? Did you put bombs underneath all of my furniture?

ZOE SALDANA

Dude, I fed a guy to sharks, okay? Are you seriously trying to fuck with me right now?

LENNIE JAMES

Can't argue with that.

(hands over Beto Benites's address)

INT. BETO BENITES'S MANSION

ZOE changes into her SEXY REVENGE OUTFIT and SHOOTS THE FUCK OUT OF THE PLACE! Then she SHOOTS SOME MORE! And then she SHOOTS QUITE A BIT MORE!

Then ZOE fights JORDI MOLLA! She uses a BELT, a TOWEL and a TOOTHBRUSH to KICK HIS ASS! Then ZOE STABS him in the NECK with a FUCKING GUN!

JORDI MOLLA

At least my family will have something to bury this time, unlike when Gabrielle Union blew me up with a landmine.

(dies)

Meanwhile, BETO BENITES escapes in a VAN!

BETO BENITES

Yes! I got away! You're dead, Zoe! Just you wait! I will find you and FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!

ZOE SALDANA

Hey Beto, did you happen to look in the back of that van before you drove off in it?

BETO BENITES

Um, no. Why?

ZOE SALDANA

You really should look.

BETO BENITES

Uh, why? What's back there?

ZOE SALDANA

Just look.

BETO BENITES

It's not like there are man eating dogs back there, because I would have noticed, and that would be super ridiculous.

ZOE SALDANA

Just look.

BETO BENITES

Because there's absolutely no way in hell you'd know I'd choose this particular van to escape in, so there really shouldn't be anything back there, right?

ZOE SALDANA

Just look.

BETO looks back and there are FUCKING MAN EATING DOGS IN HIS VAN!

ZOE SALDANA

(to dogs)

EEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT!!!!!!

BETO gets BRUTALLY EATEN by the DOGS!

AUDIENCE

Michael Vick would be so proud.

END

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