"Mr. Sandler, I don't know why you insist on wearing the helmet to your prostate exam."


"Mr. Sandler, I don't know why you insist on wearing the helmet to your prostate exam."

THE WATERBOY

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. FOOSBALL STADIUM - DAY

ADAM SANDLER

Would anyone like some.. H2O?

MEAN FOOTBALL PLAYERS

NO!!! YOU PIGFUCKING MORON!

The MEAN FOOTBALL PLAYERS shove a table up ADAM SANDLER'S ASS.

MEAN FOOTBALL PLAYERS

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! LOSER!!! FAG!!!! MORON!!!!!

MEAN COACH

Adam, you're fired!

ADAM SANDLER

Fire? Perhaps I shall put out the fire with some high quality H2O..

The MEAN COACH bashes ADAM SANDLER'S SKULL into the ground.

INT. SOME OTHER COLLEGE - DAY

HENRY WINKLER

I'm a failure! I suck! I just can't win!

ADAM SANDLER

You sound like a football coach. Perhaps you need an experienced waterboy.

HENRY WINKLER

Actually, I was talking about my career after Happy Days, but sure, you're on.

INT. NEW FOOSBALL STADIUM - DAY

WINKLER'S team of RAGTAG FOOTBALL PLAYERS show they really suck. They stumble and fall and trip and shove a table up ADAM SANDLER'S ASS.

INT. SANDLER'S HOME - DAY

KATHY BATES gives ADAM and his megaslut friend, FAIRUZA BALK, a plate of fried NEWT TESTICLES.

AUDIENCE

Ha ha! Look how disgusting their food is!

INT. FOOSBALL STADIUM - PRACTICE - DAY

The RAGTAG FOOTBALL TEAM shoves HENRY WINKLER up ADAM SANDLER'S ASS.

ADAM SANDLER

(fuming)

Stop..shoving..things..up..my ass..

He runs to one of the FOOTBALL PLAYERS and SLAMS into him, HARD.

AUDIENCE

HA HA HA!! THAT WAS HILARIOUS!

HENRY WINKLER

I want you to play for my shitty team, Adam.

ADAM SANDLER

Me likey water.

INT. FOOSBALL STADIUM - A REAL GAME - DAY

HENRY WINKLER

Tackle them, Adam! We need to win!

The face of someone bad in ADAM's life is pasted onto the body of a FOOTBALL PLAYER. He runs to the FOOTBALL PLAYER and SLAMS into him, HARD.

AUDIENCE

(wetting selves)

THEY DID IT AGAIN!! He slammed RIGHT into the guy! Threw him down! Ha ha! Ahh shit, that's good stuff.

The above scene repeats 1,157,612,938 times. ADAM takes his team to the rose bowl. They win!

HENRY WINKLER

We won!

ADAM SANDLER

I am a champion!

FAIRUZA BALK

I love you, Adam!

ADAM SANDLER

I want to have sex with you, Fairuza!

KATHY BATES

Anyone want a bowl of hot cat penis?

HENRY WINKLER

I do!

Everyone is happy!

AUDIENCE

HOORAY!

ADAM SANDLER runs to the AUDIENCE and SLAMS into them, HARD.

ADAM SANDLER

Suckers.

END


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