FADE IN:

EXT. CITY

LUDACRIS and LARENZ TATE are exiting a restaurant.

LUDACRIS

I’m so sick and tired of everyone thinking I’m some kind of criminal or delinquent because I’m black.

LARENZ TATE

Yeah, truly the situation with racism in this country is out of control and something needs to be done about it.

LUDACRIS

True dat. Now let’s carjack this honkey ass bitch over here.

They attempt to carjack SANDRA BULLOCK, who is married to BRENDAN FRASER, random politician.

SANDRA BULLOCK

I’m going to be afraid of these black kids because I’m so totally racist.

BRENDAN FRASER

But those kids actually want to steal your car, so you’re not really racist enough to help the movie make its obscenely blunt point.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Oh. In that case, I totally hate the guy that changes our locks because he is Latino. And I disrespect our housekeeper. Um, and I listen to ‘Prussian Blue’. In a Nazi uniform.

BRENDAN FRASER

And I view racism as little more than an obstacle that must be overcome only on the surface so that I can advance my political career. Plus I was in Monkeybone, so I’m pretty much a total douchebag already.

SANDRA verbally berates MICHAEL PENA, who, of course, turns out to be a super nice guy.

MICHAEL’S DAUGHTER

I love you so much daddy.

MICHAEL PENA

Shit. I’m going to die, aren’t I?

He gets into an argument with SHAUN TOUB, who is trying to establish a business in the country doing something-or-other

SHAUN TOUB

We’re not even Arab but everyone thinks we’re violent terrorists.

MARINA SIRTIS

You’re right, Dad. Let’s prove them wrong by buying a gun and using it inappropriately.

SHAUN TOUB

Why do we sometimes speak English to each other?

Meanwhile, BRENDAN FRASER tries to find a black man to promote in order to not appear racist, so he settles on DON CHEADLE.

DON CHEADLE

I’m not comfortable being used as a political pawn.

JENNIFER ESPOSITO

That’s not very racist of you at all.

DON CHEADLE

In that case, I’ll insult your race for absolutely no reason.

JENNIFER ESPOSITO

Which is made more tragic by your situation with your mother, who loves her other son more.

DON CHEADLE

What are you even doing in this movie? Was Jennifer Lopez busy?

Meanwhile, LUDACRIS tries to take a car, but it belongs to TERRENCE HOWARD, a black man.

LUDACRIS

Oh no, I don’t want to steal a car from a black man. Apparently my theft is more of a political statement than something I do for money. By the way, how much money do you think I’ll get for selling your car?

TERRENCE HOWARD

I’m a successful black man, and I’m very proud of myself. You’re an embarrassment to our race.

LUDACRIS

Dude, you answer to Tony Danza.

TONY DANZA

Wait a second, who the fuck WAS the boss? It was Angela, wasn’t it? Son of a bitch!

TERRENCE and his WIFE, THANDIE NEWTON get pulled over by ridiculously racist cop MATT DILLON and his non-racist partner RYAN PHILLIPE.

MATT DILLON

I’m so insanely racist that, rather than make the audience realize what a problem racism is in the country, I provide them with a sense of relief that people as racist as me are extremely rare.

RYAN PHILLIPE

I don’t like your racism, which means I will almost certainly commit the most racist and tragic act in the film.

He DOES.

MATT DILLON

But even though I’m a racist dick, my father is a saint and I’m taking care of him, therefore you want me to be successful in spite of my abhorrent personality.

MATT DILLON’S FATHER

Nah. You suck.

LARENZ TATE

Well, I guess that finally introduces everyone. Let’s start the movie.

LUDACRIS

Actually, it looks like the movie is almost over.

Suddenly, everyone acts TOTALLY ABSURDLY RACIST TOWARD EACH OTHER and then LEARNS A VALUABLE LESSON.

RYAN PHILLIPE

Racism is bad.

TERRENCE HOWARD

How insightful. Bring on the Academy Award!

WRITER/DIRECTOR PAUL HAGGIS

I’m white, by the way.

(pause)

And rich.

EVERYONE thinks about racism for an hour after the movie ends and then stops.

END