Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jul 10th, 2006 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
EXT. PORT ROYAL
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY is about to marry ORLANDO BLOOM. Suddenly, TOM HOLLANDER crashes the wedding and arrests them both.
TOM HOLLANDER
I’m a total douchebag, and I’ve arrested you both so that I have the power to demand you go get a special compass from Johnny Depp.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Rather than treat you like the villain you are and escape, I’ll simply comply with your demand like a little bitch.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Bizarrely, I’ll support this decision, despite the fact that the spitfire I played in the last film would never stand for it.
JONATHAN PRYCE
Even more bizarrely, I will actually be the one to want you to escape.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
And just to make things ultra ridiculous, I’ll fight against that and elect instead to stay in jail until Orlando succeeds in being Tom Hollander’s little gopher boy.
TOM HOLLANDER
I’m sorry, what’s going on? I’ve been staring at Keira’s cleavage for like 10 minutes.
Meanwhile…
INT. THE BLACK PEARL
JOHNNY DEPP appears after an actionless escape sequence that adds basically nothing to the movie except minutes.
KEVIN MCNALLY
The rest of the crew and I are sick of not getting any treasure. Also scurvy.
JOHNNY DEPP
I’m sorry we haven’t gotten any treasure, but I’ve been too busy watching the first movie over and over trying to figure out how I played my character last time.
He is confronted by STELLAN SKARRRRSGARRRRD.
STELLAN SKARRRRSGARRRRD
Arrr. I’m Orlando Bloom’s father, I work for Bill Nighy and I have a starfish on my face.
(incomprehensible backstory)
You now have the mark.
JOHNNY DEPP
Oh no, the mark! That means something that I would know if I understood anything you just said!
STELLAN vanishes, because one of the many powers of the starfish is teleportation.
EXT. CARIBBEAN
ORLANDO travels all around the Caribbean looking for JOHNNY. Somehow, this works, and he finds THE BLACK PEARL docked off the coast of some island. ORLANDO is captured by a bunch of CANNIBALS and imprisoned with JOHNNY’S CREW.
KEVIN MCNALLY
To fill you in, we docked here a while ago and we were captured by cannibals. The cannibals fell under the impression that Johnny was their God, because they are Ewoks. Unfortunately, this also means they want to eat him, and they coincidentally picked today to do so.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Wow, what a complex subplot. Seems like the sort of thing that either should have been filmed in its entirety rather than explained in back-exposition or cut altogether.
They ESCAPE by violating the laws of physics. Meanwhile, JOHNNY DEPP turns into WILE E. COYOTE for a little while and also escapes. Everyone gets off the island without gaining anything, making the entire subplot utterly superfluous.
Suddenly, BILL NIGHY and his team of humorous-looking fish pirates special effect their way onto the screen.
BILL NIGHY
We had a deal, Johnny Depp! Now you owe me your soul!
JOHNNY DEPP
Luckily for me, I’m well on my way to finding your buried chest, which contains your beating heart. With it, I can control you.
BILL NIGHY
Seems like the kind of thing you’d start looking to acquire earlier than 2 days before you have to become my slave.
JOHNNY DEPP
Well, why not take Orlando Bloom while I continue looking for three more days? Surely I’ll be able to find it within 3 days, despite having not found it for years.
BILL takes ORLANDO, who then bonds awkwardly with his fish of a father. ORLANDO challenges BILL NIGHY to a game, wagering the key to the chest that JOHNNY is looking for.
BILL NIGHY
Hmm. 4 sixes. Should I put that in my “four of a kind” or my “sixes”… I don’t want to miss my bonus.
ORLANDO BLOOM
1, 2, 3, 5, 6. FUCK! I guess I’ll put it in my “chance”.
BILL NIGHY
Ha! You lose, Orlando. And now you’ll never get this key, which I keep right here under my tentacles at all times!
STELLAN SKARRRRSGARRRRD
Why did you do that, Orlando? Now you have to be his slave!
ORLANDO BLOOM
Nah, it was all just a ploy to find out where he keeps the key that unlocks the chest.
STELLAN SKARRRRSGARRRRD
Er, you mean you didn’t just guess he kept it right where he does? I think it’s pretty obvious he’d keep it on him, what with it being his only weakness.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Am I being lectured by a guy wearing a fucking starfish?
ORLANDO goes and takes the key while BILL is asleep, because BILL had no reason to suspect it might be stolen after he needlessly brandished it about during the game.
INT. SOME RANDOM BOAT
ORLANDO suddenly finds himself on a boat with a bunch of non pirates.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Er, how the hell did I get here?
Suddenly, the boat is attacked by CGI TENTACLES. Everyone on the ship is killed except ORLANDO, who makes his way back to BILL’S SHIP.
ORLANDO BLOOM
It’s a good thing I just got a whole bunch of innocent sailors killed for absolutely no reason.
Suddenly, the ship dives into the water, which ORLANDO can survive, apparently.
Meanwhile…
EXT. SOME ISLAND
JOHNNY, KEIRA, and THAT ASSHOLE COMMODORE FROM THE LAST MOVIE find THE CHEST.
JOHNNY DEPP
We’ve found the buried chest!
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
We’ve also found a buried awkward romantic subplot that has no place in the film!
ASSHOLE COMMODORE
So why did we come after the chest, knowing full well that we can’t open it without the key we don’t have?
ORLANDO, apparently not dead, arrives.
ORLANDO BLOOM
I have the key, conveniently.
They fight over the chest. Then they fight some more. Then they fight on the sand. Then they fight on a castle. Then they fight on a wheel. Finally, they stop. ASSHOLE COMMODORE gets BILL’S HEART.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Oh no! We’ve failed to secure the heart, making the past two and a half hours totally unsatisfying!
JOHNNY DEPP
To make matters worse, the film is only half over, because it’s a two parter, with the second part to be released next summer.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Really? How can a movie about a bunch of fucking pirates take itself this seriously?
JOHNNY DEPP
Hey, it worked for The Matrix.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Actually, no it didn’t.
END SORT OF
Test comment.
March 23rd, 2007 at 6:54 am“They ESCAPE by violating the laws of physics.”
This is the single funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Thanks.
June 21st, 2007 at 3:43 pmThat Commodore From The Last Film IS NOT an asshole, thankyouverymuch!
Now go get worn by a starfish.
June 26th, 2007 at 4:14 pmWhen are you going to do the third pirates movie? considering that you did all three of the matrix movies, all six star wars movies, all of the harry potters, all of the lord of the rings, and all of hte mission impossible movies, did i miss any? so thusly it is not in character for you not to not complete the rest of this series. more ranting. and the starfish is bloody amazing!
June 27th, 2007 at 4:47 pmI don’t think he did the first Mission: Impossible or the second and third Harry Potters, though. So maybe some entries in a series aren’t worth poking fun at.
June 29th, 2007 at 10:21 pmOr maybe he just didn’t see them. I could certainly poke fun at the first Mission: Impossible. I thought it was the worst of the series (perhaps the only series I’ve seen that I liked each installment better than the last).
But anyway, you should definitely do the third Pirates movie, Rod. Do it while it’s still relatively new (since you usually do new movies)!
June 30th, 2007 at 11:57 amYeah Rod, I agree with Saber-Scorpion. The third Pirates movie is well worth tearing into.
PS Don’t forget Keira Knightley’s repeated EMphasizing of EVery ranDOM syLLAble either…
July 3rd, 2007 at 9:58 am“They ESCAPE by violating the laws of physics.”
i choked on a piece of sandwich i was eating, seriously, my chest hurts now
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:21 pmEasily the best abridged script on the site(and I’ve read more than a couple)! The most hilarious thing I’ve ever read. Rod is absolutely brilliant at pinpointing the flaws in the script.
August 11th, 2007 at 7:51 pmEscape by violating the laws of physics.
God.
September 28th, 2007 at 7:22 pmYou make me laugh to hard. And it’s not good. HAHAZHAHAAKEFDHsdlkjgh!!!!
I loved the pirates of the caribbean movies,but still, this script made me laugh my heart out! i loved “they escape by violating the laws of physics!” and “STELLAN SKARRRRSGARRRRD:
October 14th, 2007 at 6:39 pmArrr. I’m Orlando Bloom’s father, I work for Bill Nighy and I have a starfish on my face.(incomprehensible backstory) You now have the mark.” hahahaaaaa
Even though I have loved the Pirates movies from the very beginning, I love to read just how flawed they really were. I saw this movie four times in the theater. FOUR TIMES! And I still don’t understand the mark on Jack Sparrow’s hand or the dice game! What’s up with the dice game? I thought I was a reasonably intelligent person but the rules just completely flew over my head.
In any case, great job! I just found this site yesterday and I can’t stop reading, even though it’s quite obvious to everyone around me that I’m wasting time at work.
November 1st, 2007 at 2:41 amForget the rules of the dice game, I don’t even get the concept of it. Maybe I’m just dumb, but Orlando challenges Nighy, and then Starfishman does the same and loses, right? So doesn’t Orlando still have to settle his bet with Nighy, or just because one guy loses does that mean game over? In games like that with more than two players (poker for instance?), doesn’t just one person win? Ugh, confusing. Once again, I could just be a fucking retard.
The movie was decent though. Despite the lack of intelligent plot, script, or anything, it was very entertaining. Especially the completely irrational three-way sword battle. Awesome.
December 24th, 2007 at 4:25 pmone of the powers of the starfish is teleportation
brilliant
April 19th, 2008 at 5:31 pm