PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL
The Abridged Script
INT. PORT ROYAL
KEIRA KNIGHTLY wanders around, being difficult.
As a contemporary-minded female, I find the rules of my society unjust and male-centric! I will express this by complaining incessantly about corsets.
Oh, KEIRA. I'm so in love with all eighty pounds of her. If only I weren't so unforgivably bland...
MILITARY JERK GUY
Cram it, Legolas! KEIRA is mine, as I am a high-ranking military official with few actual skills! Oh, and I'll make her wear corsets all the time! Mwa ha ha!
JOHNNY DEPP enters.
I have arrived, carrying the film on my shoulders! I appear constantly under the influence of a chemical, much like in From Hell, Blow, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and every interview I've ever done.
(scowling at Johnny)
I hate pirates!
EVIL PIRATE GEOFFREY RUSH arrives and begins senselessly killing everyone. They TAKE KEIRA KNIGHTLY by mistake.
Let me be more specific - I hate evil pirates. You, Depp, I like. Let's get KEIRA back!
JOHNNY DEPP tries to escape Port Royal. He fails. He tries again. He SUCCEEDS! DEPP, ORLANDO, and their MISFIT PIRATE CREW follow GEOFFREY to SOME ISLAND
INT. ISLAND CAVERN
EVIL PIRATES stand around as GEOFFREY places a medallion into a chest.
Arr! And now, when we drop some of KEIRA's blood and this final medallion back into the chest, we will no longer be immortal pirates that turn into skeletons when there is a high enough special effects budget! Arr!
Aye! Within minutes, we will be able to be killed by anybody with a sword or pistol! Hooray!
Wow, that was fast. Only like 60 minutes. Stick a big fight scene on the end here and you'd have a really nice, taut pirate film.
DIRECTOR GORE VERBINSKI
Oh no! We haven't had a big scene where two ships shoot at each other!
(scribbles in screenplay)
The pirates PROCEED, but it DOESN'T WORK.
Ha! I tricked you! I told you that you needed me, but you really needed Orlando Bloom! I saved his life!
Arr! But we didn't even really hurt you! We aren't even trying to do something evil or dastardly, we're simply trying to remove a curse so that we can be mortal again!
That's right! And I stopped you! Ha ha ha!
Contrivances follow. There is a big scene where two ships shoot at each other. DEPP and KEIRA get stuck on an island, where they DISAGREE A LOT. Eventually, they meet up with the UPTIGHT MILITARY JERKS and everyone goes to THE ISLAND. AGAIN.
INT. ISLAND CAVERN
The PIRATES try again, but they are interrupted by JOHNNY DEPP, who tells them of the impending attack while taking a medallion of his own. The pirates go out and SLAUGHTER NUMEROUS MILITARY GUYS WHO ARE POWERLESS TO DO ANYTHING AGAINST THE IMMORTAL, CURSED PIRATES.
DEPP and GEOFFREY have an IMMORTAL SWORDFIGHT, which DEPP would have won easily if GEOFFREY wasn't IMMORTAL.
The fight continues. Eventually, ORLANDO FINALLY makes an effort to REMOVE THE CURSE. All of the pirates are easily beaten immediately thereafter.
See everyone, sometimes a little bit of piracy is just what you need.. but don't let this confuse you, piracy of films via the internet is never, ever okay.