Sparrow's gun-holding interferes with his nose-picking.


Sparrow's gun-holding interferes with his nose-picking.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. PORT ROYAL

KEIRA KNIGHTLY wanders around, being difficult.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

As a contemporary-minded female, I find the rules of my society unjust and male-centric! I will express this by complaining incessantly about corsets.

ORLANDO BLOOM

Oh, KEIRA. I'm so in love with all eighty pounds of her. If only I weren't so unforgivably bland...

MILITARY JERK GUY

(interrupting)

Cram it, Legolas! KEIRA is mine, as I am a high-ranking military official with few actual skills! Oh, and I'll make her wear corsets all the time! Mwa ha ha!

JOHNNY DEPP enters.

JOHNNY DEPP

I have arrived, carrying the film on my shoulders! I appear constantly under the influence of a chemical, much like in From Hell, Blow, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and every interview I've ever done.

ORLANDO BLOOM

(scowling at Johnny)

I hate pirates!

EVIL PIRATE GEOFFREY RUSH arrives and begins senselessly killing everyone. They TAKE KEIRA KNIGHTLY by mistake.

ORLANDO BLOOM

Let me be more specific - I hate evil pirates. You, Depp, I like. Let's get KEIRA back!

JOHNNY DEPP tries to escape Port Royal. He fails. He tries again. He SUCCEEDS! DEPP, ORLANDO, and their MISFIT PIRATE CREW follow GEOFFREY to SOME ISLAND

INT. ISLAND CAVERN

EVIL PIRATES stand around as GEOFFREY places a medallion into a chest.

GEOFFREY RUSH

Arr! And now, when we drop some of KEIRA's blood and this final medallion back into the chest, we will no longer be immortal pirates that turn into skeletons when there is a high enough special effects budget! Arr!

RANDOM PIRATE

Aye! Within minutes, we will be able to be killed by anybody with a sword or pistol! Hooray!

AUDIENCE

Wow, that was fast. Only like 60 minutes. Stick a big fight scene on the end here and you'd have a really nice, taut pirate film.

DIRECTOR GORE VERBINSKI

Oh no! We haven't had a big scene where two ships shoot at each other!

(scribbles in screenplay)

The pirates PROCEED, but it DOESN'T WORK.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

Ha! I tricked you! I told you that you needed me, but you really needed Orlando Bloom! I saved his life!

GEOFFREY RUSH

Arr! But we didn't even really hurt you! We aren't even trying to do something evil or dastardly, we're simply trying to remove a curse so that we can be mortal again!

KEIRA KNIGHTLY

That's right! And I stopped you! Ha ha ha!

Contrivances follow. There is a big scene where two ships shoot at each other. DEPP and KEIRA get stuck on an island, where they DISAGREE A LOT. Eventually, they meet up with the UPTIGHT MILITARY JERKS and everyone goes to THE ISLAND. AGAIN.

INT. ISLAND CAVERN

The PIRATES try again, but they are interrupted by JOHNNY DEPP, who tells them of the impending attack while taking a medallion of his own. The pirates go out and SLAUGHTER NUMEROUS MILITARY GUYS WHO ARE POWERLESS TO DO ANYTHING AGAINST THE IMMORTAL, CURSED PIRATES.

DEPP and GEOFFREY have an IMMORTAL SWORDFIGHT, which DEPP would have won easily if GEOFFREY wasn't IMMORTAL.

The fight continues. Eventually, ORLANDO FINALLY makes an effort to REMOVE THE CURSE. All of the pirates are easily beaten immediately thereafter.

JOHNNY DEPP

See everyone, sometimes a little bit of piracy is just what you need.. but don't let this confuse you, piracy of films via the internet is never, ever okay.

END

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