Johnny realizes just how strict Australians are about dog smuggling.


Johnny realizes just how strict Australians are about dog smuggling.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

We enter a world of magical wonders. Monsters plague the sea, mysterious curses bind human beings, and twenty years go by but everyone only really ages ten.

EXT. THE CARIBBEAN

YOUNG BRENTON THWAITES finds the FLYING DUTCHMAN and talks to his father, who is now BARNACLE-IZED ORLANDO BLOOM.

BARNACLE-IZED ORLANDO BLOOM

Son? What are you doing here? Don't tell me your mother didn't get her alimony doubloons. I sent them through certified parrot a week ago.

YOUNG BRENTON THWAITES

No father, I've come to tell you that I want you to come home! I love you and I miss you terribly, even though presumably I've only met you that one time in the after credits scene in At World's End!

BARNACLE-IZED ORLANDO BLOOM

Seriously, kid. How did you even get here? How does a 12 year old find the Flying fucking Dutchman?

YOUNG BRENTON THWAITES

Who cares! I've decided that my life's mission is to set you free by finding the Trident of Poseidon! And there's only one person in the whole world who can help me. Can we all take a wild guess as to who that may be? Hmmm??????

BARNACLE-IZED ORLANDO BLOOM

It's very obviously Johnny Depp again. But I forbid you to find him!

YOUNG BRENTON THWAITES

Why? He may be an asshole, and he constantly used you for personal gain, but he always came through for you in the end. Hell, he even saved your life... for lack of a better term.

BARNACLE-IZED ORLANDO BLOOM

Just stay away from him!

YOUNG BRENTON THWAITES

Nope, not gonna. I will lift your curse! All the while completely ignoring Stellan Skarsgard, my other cursed family member on this ship!

EXT. CARIBBEAN - 8 YEARS LATER

BRENTON THWAITES is aboard a British Royal Navy ship. He runs up to CAPTAIN MORON.

BRENTON THWAITES

Sir, we must turn this ship around! We're headed directly towards the Devil's Triangle! It's a giant, vagina shaped rock formation with signs saying "Do not sail in here!"

CAPTAIN MORON

Nonsense. The earliest mention of the Devil's/Bermuda Triangle was in the 1950's, and it doesn't look like that. This is clearly something the writers made up.

BRENTON THWAITES

Even if that's true, why are you STILL sailing into a rock formation?

CAPTAIN MORON

Because I'm Captain Moron, not Captain Obvious.

They sail into the Triangle, and everyone except for BRENTON gets KILLED.

Elsewhere...

JOHNNY DEPP shows up late, gets into physical fights with people, and is an overall drunken mess.

JOHNNY DEPP

Oh and did I wander onto the Pirates set again? Welp, better get on with that part. AVAST PARLAY SAVVY MATEY EYE PATCH WOODEN LEG.

KEVIN MCNALLY

Aye, cap'n. And even though everyone's figured out that you work better as a supporting character than a main character, they've completely forgotten how to make you a good one. So let's get on with this bank robbing scene so we can meet up with discount Orlando Bloom and discount Keira Knightley.

JOHNNY and his crew STEAL an ENTIRE BANK, which is totally NOT ON WHEELS and is totally NOT BEING STEERED BY SOMEONE INSIDE IT.

Meanwhile, KAYA SCODELARIO escapes prison, and then finds BRENTON in another prison.

KAYA SCODELARIO

I hear you're looking for Poseidon's favorite pack of gum, so I've come to set you free!

BRENTON THWAITES

And how can you help me?

KAYA SCODELARIO

Oh, you see, I'm an astronomer. I have a diary given to me by my long lost father, which has a map to the trident's secret island, but the map is only visible under a blood moon, and only with the help of a red jewel, and holy shit this plot is convoluted.

BRENTON THWAITES

Wait, you're an astronomer? So that means science does exist in this universe? So then why the hell was the Earth flat in Pirates 3?

KAYA SCODELARIO

Oh who the hell knows? Now buck up! We're going to have a kick ass adventure together, just like we did in The Maze Runner!

BRENTON THWAITES

That wasn't me. I was in The Giver.

KAYA SCODERLARIO

Oh fuck, you YA movie leads all look alike.

She helps him escape that prison, but then they find themselves in a PRISON again. This time with JOHNNY.

BRENTON THWAITES

Johnny, I have a message for you. When I was in the Triangle, I met evil pirate Javier Bardem. He said he's going to kill you, so you should watch your back. He shouldn't be hard to miss, what with that ridiculous floating head of his.

JOHNNY DEPP

Oh, what a coincidence! I just so happened to have opened the place where Javier was cursed and trapped... all of, like, two days ago!

They're all led to the town square to be executed. KAYA escapes the noose, JOHNNY escapes a guillotine, and SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY escapes this movie with his dignity still in tact.

SIR PIRATE MCCARTNEY

WOO HOO!

INT. THE CARIBBEAN SEA - SOMEWHERE ELSE

GEOFFREY RUSH comes face to face with the defaced Spanish captain with a floating face, JAVIER BARDEM.

JAVIER BARDEM

Hola, El Cap-ee-tan! Meet me and my CGI crew. And please ignore the fact that we are a complete rip off of Bill Nighy and his CGI crew! Seriously, we can't step foot on land and everything!

GEOFFERY RUSH

Aye, but at least Bill Nighy had a story that made sense. Tell me again why didn't you kill Brenton?

JAVIER BARDEM

Easy! After I killed his crew, I let him live so that he could tell Johnny that I was coming for him. I would have told Johnny myself, but dead men tell no tales.

GEOFFERY RUSH

And what about the fact that this whole movie is a "tale," and half the characters in it are either "dead" now or were "dead" at some point? We're only 20 minutes in and we're contradicting the main title.

JAVIER BARDEM

No we're not! Anyway, perhaps you'd like to hear why I hate Johnny so much. Come, let me tell you a tale.

GEOFFERY RUSH

Sigh.

EXT. FLASHBACK - THE CARIBBEAN - 30 YEARS AGO, I GUESS. THIS TIMELINE IS FUCKED.

JAVIER reminisces to a time where he was DEXTER OF THE SEA.

JAVIER BARDEM

Yes, I killed all the bad guys, which made me the good guy, or some shit. But one day, I met someone who would change my life forever. A man with even more of a CGI face than me.

DE-AGE-IFIED CGI JOHNNY DEPP

Bloody hell, am I supposed to be 20 or 12? Is it too difficult just to use younger, similar looking actors nowadays?

JAVIER BARDEM

When I saw him I thought he looked like a little bird, and thus the name Jack Sparrow was born, despite no one else hearing me utter that phrase.

DE-AGE-IFIED CGI JOHNNY DEPP

I will now trick you into sailing into the Devil's Triangle by pulling the same stunt that Keira Knightley came up with in the first movie!

JAVIER BARDEM

And that he did. My crew and I died in there, but the Triangle brought us back as ghosts. And Johnny got a bunch of gifts from his crew. It's also weird how I know this since I was dead and underwater during this time.

DE-AGE-IFED CGI JOHNNY DEPP

Well thank heavens you did, because I know everyone was dying to know where I got my hair beads from.

EXT. CARIBBEAN - BACK IN THE PRESENT

BRENTON and KAYA bicker about finding the secret island.

JOHNNY DEPP

You're falling in love with her, mate. I can tell.

BRENTON THWAITES

What do you mean "you can tell?" The two of us barely even try to show any emotion that would indicate this. That's why you have to say it out loud.

JOHNNY DEPP

Yeah, you're right actually. I don't have a hell of a lot to do, do I?

JAVIER and GEOFFREY catch up to their ship, so JOHNNY, KAYA, and BRENTON ditch their crew and row boat away. JAVIER then sends out his pet ZOMBIE SHARKS, just so we can have a scene with ZOMBIE SHARKS. They find their way to an island and are met by GEOFFREY.

GEOFFERY RUSH

Arrr, I probably should have let the sharks eat you, what with you pussing out like little bitches and rowing away from a fight like that, but I've decided to come save you. But I want the Black Pearl back.

JOHNNY DEPP

Oh right! The Black Pearl! I still have it in the bottle that Ian McShane put it in! Let's reveal it in the dullest way possible.

They DO and finally sail to the secret island. On the way, GEOFFREY talks to KAYA about her diary and realizes she is his long lost daughter.

GEOFFREY RUSH

Aye, it must be true. She has the same red jewel that belongs to this island. The one I gave to my infant daughter before I gave her up all those years ago. I thought the ruby might afford her an easy life.

JOHNNY DEPP

Yeah, if no one stole it from her first. I mean, she really did a great job of guarding it while she was an infant. It's actually a miracle she still has it.

GEOFFREY RUSH

Shut up. Look! The sea has parted, and the Trident be on the uncovered sea floor! I guess Poseidon and Moses had the same powers.

JAVIER BARDEM

(grabbing trident)

Not so fast! The trident is mine! Notice how just merely holding it lifts the "walking on land" part of my curse but not any other parts of it!

JAVIER throws JOHNNY around for a bit while BRENTON and KAYA solve a relatively simplistic riddle and break the trident. The curse is then lifted from JAVIER and his men, who, at the time, are standing on the sea floor. And miraculously, they don't suffer from that pesky DECOMPRESSION SICKNESS OR ANYTHING.

JOHNNY DEPP

Speaking of which, I sure hope your fucking FATHER wasn't miles underwater just now, since you know, THAT'S WHERE HIS CURSE COMPELS HIM TO BE.

BRENTON THWAITES

Haha, wow, yeah, I really didn't even think of that...

GEOFFREY RUSH

(swinging in on an anchor)

Ahoy, ye dumb fucks! The water walls be closin' in, and Javier is still trying to kill ya! And I finally lost my Captain Hook costume!

As they all climb the anchor chain to the ship above, GEOFFREY actually has a pretty nice moment with KAYA. He then kills JAVIER by sacrificing himself, and falls into a sea of ROLES in BETTER MOVIES.

EXT. THE CARIBBEAN - AFTER ALL THAT

BRENTON AND KAYA stand on a hill and wait for ORLANDO.

KAYA SCODELARIO

Well, it was fun ditching pirate lore and venturing into Greek lore. And I sure am glad Poseidon decided to leave this trident near North America, instead of, you know, Greece.

BRENTON THWAITES

Yeah, and all those souls my father is supposed to ferry into the after life? Meh, I guess they can just go fuck themselves.

ORLANDO BLOOM

Whatever, kid. Now shut up and watch me make out with your mom.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that while my son was out on swashbuckling adventures trying to save my husband, I was just sitting around drinking tea or something? How does that relate to my character at all?

JOHNNY DEPP

It doesn't, mate. The director joked about making 10 more sequels after this, and the sad thing is he's probably right. And they will continue to be inconsistent, bastardized versions of the first one that everyone loved.

(takes a swig of rum)

(waves to camera)

Until next time, mateys!

END

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