"She floats! That means she's a witch! Burn her!"


"She floats! That means she's a witch! Burn her!"

MELANCHOLIA

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. WEIRD ARTSY SLOW MOTION - SWEDEN

DEAD BIRDS fall from the sky because KIRSTEN DUNST has killed them with HER FACE, in SLOW MOTION.

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

Dang it! Why do I like totally suck at playing "Angry Birds"?!

Then director LARS VON TRIER drops some really good ACID and breaks the SHUTTER SPEED on his camera so that EVERY SINGLE MOTION IN EXISTENCE that can be SLOWED is FUCKING SLOWED THE FUCK DOWN.

OPERA MUSIC by German composer RICHARD WAGNER plays in the background.

DIRECTOR LARS VON TRIER

HEIL WAGNER!

KIRSTEN shoots DARK FORCE LIGHTNING out of her fingertips just like SENATOR PALPATINE. Yes, this REALLY HAPPENS. GOOGLE IT.

DIRECTOR LARS VON TRIER

IT'S A METAPHOR! METAPHORS ARE KIND OF MY THING! HEIL!

Then LARS VON TRIER puts on his STEEL-TOED BOOT OF SYMBOLISM and stomps the AUDIENCE in THE FUCKING FACE with it because this is ART and FUCK YOU if you don't like it.

DIRECTOR LARS VON TRIER

PRETENTIOUS SYMBOLISM IS ALSO KIND OF MY THING! HEIL!

IN OUTER SPACE, EARTH and NOT PANDORA are seen smashing into each other in the SUPER SLOWIEST of SLOW MOTIONS.

AUDIENCE

They really fast tracked the hell out of "The Tree Of Life" sequel.

After FOUR DECADES and SEVENTEEN TRILLION rolls of film have been used, the WEIRD ARTSY PRETENTIOUS IMAGERY ends, finally.

But the AUDIENCE realizes there's still 2 HOURS of movie left and forgot to go to the RESTROOM first. Fuck.

INT. CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG'S MANSION - SWEDEN

KIRSTEN and ALEXANDER SKARSGARD have just been married and are on their way to the WEDDING RECEPTION.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Hey, what's that bright shiny yellow thing in the sky?

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

Like, duh, it's called The Sun and junk.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Really? Then why am I not on fire right now?

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

Different character, Alexander.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

Seriously, I can't believe how much fire I'm not on!

They meet up with KIRSTEN's sister CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG, her husband KIEFER SUTHERLAND and JOHN HURT.

JOHN HURT

Kiefer Sutherland's here? My God! Are terrorists planning to blow up the wedding party with stolen nuclear weapons?!

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

No, that would risk this film becoming slightly more bearable to sit through.

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG

Hey, as long as I don't have to give Willem Dafoe a handjob or mutilate my gentials like I did in Lars von Trier's previous "film" I'm good.

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

Um Lars, like, why does my entire family have British accents but I don't?

DIRECTOR LARS VON TRIER

BECAUSE SHUT UP! HEIL!

Even though KIRSTEN has just had an EXPENSIVE DREAM WEDDING that most American girls would strangle a dozen HOMELESS PEOPLE in order to have, KIRSTEN is UNHAPPY and meets with her mother CHARLOTTE RAMPLING.

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

Mom, I can't emotionally connect with anyone and I feel like a worthless piece of shit.

CHARLOTTE RAMPLING

It's been four years, Kirsten. I'm sure everybody's forgotten all about Spider-Man 3 by now.

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

No, I mean I saw a star in the sky that I think is actually another planet that is going to crash into the Earth and kill us all in weird pretentious symbolic slow motion.

CHARLOTTE RAMPLING

I see. You are clearly suffering from depression. You should go see a doctor who can diagnose you and prescribe you the proper medication to treat this illness.

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

Or, I could just go fuck the first man I see and do it in the sand trap of a golf course, because sand is the most comfortable surface to have rubbing up against your genitals while you cheat on your husband.

SHE DOES THAT.

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

Wait, since when does depression turn a woman into a total skank? And on her wedding day no less? My actions don't make a lot of sense.

DIRECTOR LARS VON TRIER

I AM AN ARTHOUSE DIRECTOR! THEREFORE LOGIC AND CHARACTER MOTIVATIONS DO NOT MEAN SHIT TO ME! HEIL!

ALEXANDER finds KIRSTEN. She is extremely SCRUNCHY-FACED.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

What's the matter, Kirsten? You look like you got sand in your vagina.

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

Well the guy I just banged probably has sand in his pee hole so I guess it kind of like evens out and junk.

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

YOU CHEATED ON ME?! Screw this bullshit! I'm going off to play board games!

ALEXANDER leaves to be on LIAM NEESON'S BOAT.

Then the movie GETS TIRED of KIRSTEN'S BULLSHIT and decides to focus on her sister CHARLOTTE GAINSBOROUGH instead.

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG

Kirsten, what the fuck is wrong with you? You're acting really weird and withdrawn and seem to be incapable of keeping your clothes on.

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

Duh because I like have depression, which Lars von Trier thinks is a medical excuse for being an insufferable douchebag. Oh, and because I know the world is going to end soon.

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG

But how? Is being depressed a superpower? Is the movie not even going to try to explain this?

KIRSTEN DUNST'S BARE BREASTS

(distracting the AUDIENCE)

Hey! Look at me! Yeah you! Look right here! See? Tits! Now stop asking questions and just stare at me, okay?

KIRSTEN continues to be DEPRESSED in an extremely ANNOYING and NONSENSICAL WAY while being at least eight different kinds of BITCH to CHARLOTTE.

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG

Kiefer, I can't figure out why Kirsten's so bitchy and depressed!

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

(holding a pair of pliers and a blowtorch)

Give me five minutes and I'll torture the depressed bitchiness right out of her.

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG

I don't understand why we're not getting Kirsten to a doctor. Do hospitals not exist in Sweden?

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

What I don't understand is why we're not slapping some sense into Kirsten and kicking her ass to the curb for treating us like shit.

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG

It's not her fault because she's DEPRESSED!

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

Says who? She hasn't been diagnosed. For all we know she's acting like a self centered little twat because that's just who she is. Having a vagina does not exempt someone from being a total asshole you know.

DIRECTOR LARS VON TRIER

TOO MUCH TALKING! KIRSTEN GET NAKED NOW! HEIL!

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

But I like already showed my boobs. Are you sure the audience wants to see me fully nekkid?

DIRECTOR LARS VON TRIER

SINCE WHEN DO I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT AUDIENCE! GET NAKED NOW! HEIL!

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

But I don't want to!

DIRECTOR LARS VON TRIER

IF YOU WANT TO WIN BEST ACTRESSES PRIZE AT CANNES YOU GET NAKED NOW! HEIL!

MR. SKIN

Yeah Kirsten, would you hurry it up already? We want to see Mary Jane's Watsons!

KRISTEN lies outside while wearing a lot of AIR and NOTHING ELSE.

KIRSTEN DUNST'S BEAVER

(furry faced)

Top o' the mornin' to ya!

Unfortunately this isn't TEN YEARS AGO when it would have actually BEEN RELEVANT.

KIRSTEN stares up at the KILLER PLANET in the night sky, which kind of looks like a STAR and will eventually be the cause of much DEATH. A STAR. Of DEATH. STAR. DEATH. STAR. LOOK, DO I HAVE TO SPELL THIS OUT FOR YOU?

EXT. CHARLOTTE GAINSBOROUGH'S MANSION

KIEFER pulls a TELESCOPE out of his MAN PURSE and uses it to study the approaching KILLER PLANET.

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG

So it's just going to slingshot past Earth and we're all going to be fine, right?

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

Oh hell no. We're fucked. It's going to crash into us and the world is going to end. Roland Emmerich must be so pissed he didn't get to make a movie about this first.

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG

The hell? I thought this was a pretentious drama about depression!

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

And now it's a pretentious sci-fi disaster movie! Twist!

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

If anybody needs me I'll be like over here totally naked and junk.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU ANYMORE KIRSTEN! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go kill myself because nobody is allowed to kill Jack Bauer except for Jack Bauer.

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG

But what about your son? And your wife? That's me by the way! You're just going to leave us to deal with this on our own?

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

If I have to be in this movie one second longer my internal organs are going to melt so I'm taking the easy way out.

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG

Oh, then I understand completely.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND

You're the best, sweetheart.

(kills self)

In the sky, the KILLER PLANET is about to crash into THE EARTH and BLOW IT UP, so CHARLOTTE tries one last time to make peace with KIRSTEN.

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG

Kirsten, I know we never really got along, but before we die I just wanted to say that I love you.

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

Fuck you you French whore cunt face.

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG

So even in your last moments alive you're still going to be a mean heartless bitch to me?

KIRSTEN DUNST

(scrunching face)

Duh, being a mean heartless bitch and scrunching my face are like the only two things I'm totally good at.

CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG

And being naked. Don't forget that one.

KIRSTEN and CHARLOTTE build a TEEPEE and get inside of it while they wait for THE WORLD TO END.

THE WORLD ENDS.

CREDITS ROLL.

AUDIENCE

Huh? Did I just sit through a student film with a budget? What was the point?

DIRECTOR LARS VON TRIER

THERE IS NO POINT! LIFE IS MEANINGLESS! DEATH IS MEANINGLESS! METAPHORS! SYMBOLISM! I AM A BRILLIANT FILMMAKER! HEIL MYSELF!

AUDIENCE

Bullshit! I know it's you Sofia! Reveal yourself!

SOFIA COPPOLA

(removes LARS mask MISSION:IMPOSSIBLE style)

But how did you know?

AUDIENCE

Artsy pretentious filmmaking? Total lack of story? Kirsten Dunst? It wasn't that hard to figure out. The Riddler you ain't.

END

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