Marc Anthony tempts fate by surprising J.Lo before the wedding.


Marc Anthony tempts fate by surprising J.Lo before the wedding.

THE CELL

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. DARK, GRITTY, ARTFULLY-LIGHTED ROOM

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

I am totally insane! I shall lock this cute blonde girl in this plastic box. Then, it will slowly fill with water until she drowns!

BLONDE GIRL

I am scared! Very, very scared! So scared that I'll do nothing other than be scared! Very scared!

ANNOUNCER

Will Blonde Girl escape from The Psycho's evil clutches? Tune in tomorrow to find out! Same bat time! Same bat channel!

INT. TECHNO-LOOKING PLACE

JENNIFER LOPEZ and some KID IN A COMA are hooked together via some washcloths with blue circuitboards printed on them.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

I care about children. You can tell I care about children by my sweet voice and bouncy, nonthreatening hairstyle.

CHILD IN COMA

I will eat your brains!!!!

INT. DIFFERENT DARK, GRITTY, ARTFULLY-LIGHTED ROOM

VINCE VAUGHN

Blast. We have caught the killer, but moments after he lapsed into a coma. If only there were some sort of cutting edge technology to allow us to go into his psycho brain while he's in a coma so that we can find out the location of the blonde girl.

VINCE'S NAMELESS LOSER PARTNER WHO SERVES ONLY TO FEED LINES TO VINCE FOR VINCE TO REPLY TO AND HELP EXPLAIN THE PLOT

Perhaps we should consult Jennifer Lopez?

VINCE VAUGHN

Brilliant!

INT. TECHNO-LOOKING PLACE

JENNIFER LOPEZ

I want to help you guys, but look at my innocent hairstyle.. I'm innocent and scared. But if you want, I will try. But first, let me go to my house so that I can walk around in panties a bit.

INT. JENNIFER'S HOME

She walks around in panties and flaunts her body for the camera.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Ok, let's do this.

INT. TECHNO-LOOKING PLACE

JENNIFER is wired into VINCENT.

DYLAN BAKER

If she believes something happens to her in the matrix..er..the vr thing, it happens to her in real life. So make sure to feel tense when it looks like she might die or something, even though at no point is her life actually threatened during this movie.

INT. DARK, GRITTY, ARTFULLY-LIGHTED LOCATION

JENNIFER LOPEZ

I am inside a killers mind. Please notice how strange and frightening a killer's mind is. It is wet, dark, and it looks very foreboding.

She finds VINCENT peircing things and cooking up some rotisserie colon.

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

Please notice the crazy sets and lavish costumes! Not that they are the focus of the film or anything. No, no, there's a plot too. I'm crazy, you see.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Those are some very lavish costumes and strangely designed locations.

DIRECTOR TARSEM SINGH

I hate set designers and costume designers and I want to make their lives hell.

JENNIFER walks into some more rooms. She finds a younger version of VINCENT. He doesn't seem evil. His father abuses him repeatedly.

AUDIENCE

Awwwww. I dont hate Vincent quite as much now that I know his father treated him badly. That father sucks!

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO'S FATHER

Wait, my father abused me too! I'm not responsible for my own actions either!

AUDIENCE

Oh, well, then, YOUR dad is the bastard.

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO'S FATHER'S FATHER

My mother raped me repeatedly.

AUDIENCE

Wow. Ok, fine, nobody is at fault. I refuse to point the finger of blame at anyone, including the person doing the evil things!

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

That's all I wanted. I feel better now. I want to banish the killer inside of me.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

I can help!

She reverses the flow or some shit, which puts VINCENT into her brain, which is oddly just as creepy-looking as his.

VINCENT D'ONOFRIO AS A BOY

I want to stay in your brain!

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Tough nuggets.

Weird, fake-looking flowers or vines or something begin to form around the borders of the frame for absolutely no reason.

DIRECTOR TARSEM SINGH

I hate CGI programmers, too.

JENNIFER stabs OLD VINCENT in the heart.

YOUNG VINCENT D'ONOFRIO

Weee! Violence! I like violence now!

JENNIFER LOPEZ

Lets do some obscure symbolism.

She and YOUNG VINCENT participate in obscure symbolic actions.

Eventually, JENNIFER puts the previous CHILD IN COMA into her brain.

CHILD IN COMA

Ack! I can see Puff Daddy naked!! And I found a room of deep hatred for Eminem! Aieee!

The child is scared and kills himself with a glowing piece of cardboard.

END

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