"That's it, Sean! The very last copy of 'North'! Help me destroy it!"


"That's it, Sean! The very last copy of 'North'! Help me destroy it!"

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. NEW LINE STUDIOS

PETER JACKSON is meeting with various NEW LINE EXECUTIVES.

PETER JACKSON

..and that's my proposal. What do you say?

EXECUTIVE #1

Wait, so, you want three hundred million dollars to create nine total hours of film for an adaptation of the Lord of the Rings trilogy?

PETER JACKSON

Nearly twelve hours for the full editions.

EXECUTIVE #2

And you want us to greenlight this based on your previous work of...

(consulting a memo)

A movie about rat monkeys and flesh eating zombies and an unfunny comedy ghost movie starring Michael J. Fox?

PETER JACKSON

Right. And I want all the money up front, because I demand that I be able to make all three films at the same time.

The executives stare at JACKSON as if he just took a shit on their rug and autographed it. Miraculously, he is allowed to adapt the trilogy and ACTUALLY FUCKING PULLS IT OFF.

EXT. BIG, OPEN BATTLEFIELD

Various computer-generated creatures face off. A NARRATOR explains the background story as a jaw-dropping battle ensues on-screen.

NARRATOR

So, this dude, Sauron, made a big badass ring. He did some nasty shit with it, and then he got killed and this human took it. Then he did nasty shit, too. The ring made everyone an asshole and then Ian Holm got it, but he was less of an asshole with it.

AUDIENCE

Wow! They just summarized the entire background in a matter of minutes, doing so with the help of an outstandingly impressive fight sequence. If the rest of the movie is like this, then this might just be the greatest epic adventure film ever created.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON

Oh, no, see, this was short, to-the point, and interesting. The rest of my movie is anything but that. Did you go to the bathroom yet? You probably should.

EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL FANTASY VILLAGE

IAN MCKELLEN arrives. ELIJAH WOOD runs up to him.

IAN MCKELLEN

I am old and sage! I bring a sense of dignity and elegance to all that I do, and I appear to be a master of all things intellectual.

ELIJAH WOOD

Actually, the most impressive thing you'll do is set off a bunch of fireworks. Then you get your ass kicked by a better wizard, fail to get us through a door because you're too stupid to solve an easy riddle, and then die.

IAN MCKELLEN

Oh. Well, at least I wasn't in "North", you putrid piece of shit.

ELIJAH WOOD

Dammit.

IAN MCKELLEN

So anyway, where's Ian Holm? I heard he's got the plot to this movie in his pocket somewhere.

INT. IAN HOLM'S COMICALLY SMALL HOME

IAN MCKELLEN enters, hitting his head on objects.

IAN HOLM

There you are, you sage old wizard!

They smoke from IAN MCKELLEN'S PIPE.

IAN HOLM

Ah, truly have the finest weed in Middle Earth.

IAN MCKELLEN

Heh. Both of our names are Ian.

IAN HOLM

Holy shit! You're right!

IAN HOLM falls backwards, laughing hysterically.

IAN HOLM

(suddenly dead serious)

Dude! Every time I laugh, I think it's my lung trying to escape a little bit. Maybe that's what laughing is. Lungs use humor to trick us into letting them escape. Whoa.

IAN MCKELLEN

Ha, you're so fucked up!

IAN HOLM

Oh, wanna see something cool? This will totally make you trip balls.

IAN slips on the RING OF POWER and turns invisible.

IAN HOLM

(invisible)

Whoa, where'd I go? Where'd I go? Ha ha!

(removing the ring)

Isn't that awesome?

IAN MCKELLEN

Ian! You stupid bastard! That's the Ring of Power, forged centuries ago by the evil Lord Sauron! It is the key to the greatest power in all the land! It is sought after by the most wicked of evil forces and as Sauron's spirit grows stronger, he comes closer to obtaining it and enslaving Middle Earth!

IAN HOLM

Shit. Buzz killer, dude. Not cool.

IAN MCKELLEN

Give me the ring. Then go away and write your book. Elijah Wood and I will destroy it.

IAN HOLM

Elijah Wood? Wasn't he that little puke in "The Good Son"?

IAN MCKELLEN

That was Macaulay Culkin.

IAN HOLM

Wait, am I thinking of the wrong person?

IAN MCKELLEN

Elijah was the snot-nosed little twerp in the Flipper movie.

IAN HOLM

Oh, right, that fucker.

IAN MCKELLEN

Yeah. I'm going to travel with him to the treacherous volcano Mount Doom. Once there, we will destroy this evil thing once and for good.

IAN HOLM

The ring?

IAN MCKELLEN

Elijah. But I'll make him wear the ring before I shove him in.

IAN HOLM leaves. ELIJAH enters.

ELIJAH WOOD

Heya Ian! I just came by to see--

IAN MCKELLEN

Elijah, you must take this ring. It is the Ring of Power, forged by the evil Lord Sauron long ago. Travel to a far away land with your cohorts. I will meet you there and we will venture to Mount Doom to destroy the ring. You must arrive safely - the fate of Middle Earth depends on your success.

ELIJAH WOOD

Er..uh..I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to play some Nintendo.

IAN MCKELLEN

There's no time, Elijah! I must go find Christopher Lee and seek his guidance. Good luck, the fate of all life rests in your small, hairy hands.

ELIJAH WOOD

I.. uh..

IAN MCKELLEN

(bolting out the door)

Don't fuck up!

ELIJAH stares at the ring. As he does so, his face contorts to an expression of limitless fear. His eyes widen and his mouth gapes slightly open with shock and terror. This expression never leaves his face again - ever.

SEAN ASTIN

Hey Elijah, these two interchangeable Hobbits and I want to go with you on your quest.

ELIJAH WOOD

Okay, but only if you all act so moronically that you not only nearly sabotage our mission repeatedly, but also drastically undermine the otherwise serious tone of the film.

BILLY BOYD

I farted. Tee-hee!

INT. CHRISTOPHER LEE'S HOME OR A CHURCH OR SOME SHIT

CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN MCKELLEN walk around and chat.

IAN MCKELLEN

It's good seeing you again, Christopher Lee. I like what you've done with your hair, how do you keep it so tangle-free?

CHRISTOPHER LEE

Well, Ian, I condition when showering, brush it straight while still in the shower, and then condition again. The secret is in the second conditioning.

IAN MCKELLEN

Brilliant! See, this is why you're obviously the better wizard.

CHRISTOPHER LEE

Actually, it's funny you should say that, Ian. You see, I'm about to beat the living snot out of you.

IAN MCKELLEN

Come again?

CHRISTOPHER brings out a small card.

CHRISTOPHER LEE

Ha! I summon Gaea's Skyfolk, a 2/2 with flying.

IAN MCKELLEN

Hmm. Okay, I'm going to cast Exclude, which counters your spell and lets lets me also draw a card. Oh! A Bloodfire Kavu! I summon him.

CHRISTOPHER LEE

You can't do that, you can't summon until your turn, it's still my turn.

IAN MCKELLEN

No it's not! I just did the counter spell!

CHRISTOPHER LEE

That was an instant! God, now I remember why I hate playing with you! Fuck this!

CHRISTOPHER uses his WIZARD STICK to rip IAN MCKELLEN a BRAND NEW ASSHOLE.

EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE

ELIJAH and the OTHER HOBBITS walk around NEW ZEALAND. A lot.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON

Isn't this great? Them walking around in this world... this completely fantastical world...of New Zealand..

AUDIENCE

Yeah, it's really pretty.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON

(bemused)

It really is...

Minutes pass.

AUDIENCE

Uh..you, uh, gonna do something any time soon?

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON

Huh? Oh, right, action. How about some monsters?

Suddenly, some EVIL MONSTERS attack. A few monsters get close to ELIJAH WOOD so he puts on the RING OF POWER to become INVISIBLE.

ELIJAH WOOD

Ha! Bet you monsters didn't see that coming!

ELIJAH is then STABBED anyway.

ELIJAH WOOD

Gark!

VIGGO MORTENSEN jumps in and slaughters ELIJAH'S ATTACKERS. But not really, because they never die.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Elijah, are you all right? You must survive! You are the only one who can carry the ring! All others would be tempted to wear it for personal gain!

ELIJAH WOOD

Didn't I just put it on to save my own ass?

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Yes, but then you got stabbed anyway. See, if any of us were corrupted by the ring, we'd be intelligent enough to use it for our own advantage. Hobbits, on the other hand, are bumbling morons.

SEAN ASTIN

Hey, I resent that.

(pause)

Oooh, poisonous mushrooms, I wonder if they're tasty!

ELIJAH WOOD

I think I'm dying. Can't you tell from the perpetual worried expression on my face?

VIGGO MORTENSEN

The only thing that can save you now is Liv Tyler. Seriously.

LIV TYLER

My character is so thin that even my voice seems overly stretched. Luckily, though, I am pretty, which is apparently all that is required of a female in the world of Tolkien. Please notice how softened my appearance is, because I am female, you see.

She looks PRETTY.

ELIJAH WOOD

So, um, about me dying...

LIV TYLER

Oh, right. I will take you backstage at an Aerosmith concert, where your wounds shall be healed.

EXT. THE LAND OF THE ELVES

HUGO WEAVING, looking unnecessarily cunning, talks to IAN MCKELLEN, who escaped.

HUGO WEAVING

We must destroy the ring, Ian.

IAN MCKELLEN

Yeah, I was going to go to Mount Doom with Elijah Wood and do that.

HUGO WEAVING

Elijah Wood? The whiny dipshit from "Deep Impact"?

IAN MCKELLEN

Yeah.

HUGO WEAVING

No, that won't do at all. I will not play a secondary part in a film starring only him. Let's get some other actors to go with him.

JOHN RHYS-DAVIES

I'll go, because I am grizzled and brave, though my skill doesn't measure up completely to my confidence.

ORLANDO BLOOM

I will also go, because I am cute to the females in the audience, as well as a surprising number of males.

SEAN BEAN

I shall also join, and I promise I will absolutely not try to take the ring. Wait, can I have the ring?

IAN MCKELLEN

No.

SEAN BEAN

Okay, then I promise not to try to take it.

HUGO WEAVING

Excellent. Together, you will be known as....

The overbearing, cheesy music swells.

HUGO WEAVING

The Fellowship of the Ring!

AUDIENCE

Huh. This scene makes me feel like the movie is actually just starting.

(laughing nervously)

But that's just absurd, right? I've been sitting here for an hour. I mean, it can't actually just be getting going, right? Right?

The FELLOWSHIP walk across the mountains to make their way to MORDOR. This plan FAILS and they have to pursue another one.

The FELLOWSHIP walks around snow-covered mountains to make their way to MORDOR. This plan ALSO FAILS and they have to pursue another one.

The FELLOWSHIP walks through the mountains. This kind of works, so they keep going.

IAN MCKELLEN

It's a good thing all of that footage was included, since nothing happened that affected the story at all.

INT. VIVID, FRIGHTENING MINES

THE FELLOWSHIP travels through some MINES. Nothing happens for a while again, then suddenly, the group is surrounded by enemies again, which are defeated again. ELIJAH is stabbed again.

ELIJAH WOOD

Ha! You were no match for my Bilbo's Armor, which has +4 for fortitude saves against stupid looking CGI monsters.

They venture further through the mountain, but suddenly, IAN MCKELLEN is KILLED by a FIRE DEMON.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

I guess that leaves me as the interesting one, huh?

ELIJAH WOOD

Actually, for someone who is essentially the focus of the last book, you come off as amazingly dull and transparent. I could quite easily not notice you at all.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Hey, at least I wasn't in "The Faculty", you munchkin asshat.

They walk around NEW ZEALAND some more, and eventually meet some more elves.

CATE BLANCHETT

Hi everyone. I'm the other female in the movie. I'm exactly the same as Liv Tyler, except shots of me have had the edges softened even further. My role is equally useless, though, don't be fooled by the effects.

EXT. LUSH, BEAUTFUL LANDSCAPE

The FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING continues to travel around some more. Once again, monsters eventually attack. Once again, they are defeated, but not before kidnapping BILLY BOYD and DOMINIC MONAGHAN.

ELIJAH WOOD

Hey! I didn't get stabbed this time. There is nothing more I can learn from you, brave adventurers. I must go the rest of the way by myself. And with Sean Astin.

JOHN RHYS-DAVIES

You don't want our help? Truly, we have failed the Fellowship.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

There must be something heroic to do. Hey, those two irritating Hobbits can still be rescued! Let's be valiant doing that!

ORLANDO BLOOM

That's what we've been reduced to? Our role, as of the ending of the first movie, is to rescue these two idiots? You saw me shoot like 2 arrows per second from my Bow, right? I'm pretty badass for an effeminate blond.

ELIJAH and SEAN leave.

ELIJAH WOOD

I'm glad to be going on this adventure with you, Sean Astin. You make me look smart. We are closer to Mount Doom, but we have a long way to go.

AUDIENCE

A long way to go? Jesus Christ, how much longer is this movie, I don't think I can sit through any more of watching people walk through New Zealand aimlessly, getting occasionally attacked by monsters.

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON

Actually, the movie's over.

AUDIENCE

What? Are you serious? That's even worse! They didn't do anything!

DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON

They walked around a lot.

AUDIENCE

I hate you. I hate you so much.

END


Discussion