FADE IN:

EXT. ISENGARD

IAN MCKELLEN, VIGGO MORTENSEN, ORLANDO BLOOM, JOHN RHYS DAVIES, and BERNARD HILL meet back up with BILLY BOYD and DOMINIC MONAGHAN.

IAN MCKELLEN

Good to see you both again. I see you’ve found a goddamn talking tree.

GODDAMN TALKING TREE

Yeah, this is my last scene in the trilogy, don’t worry.

BILLY BOYD

Hey, I found a strange glowing ball. Despite the fact that I live in a world with talking trees and cloaked villains with no faces, I will trustingly pick up this object, as though it wasn’t some awful thing that could destroy me immediately.

It doesn’t do anything to him.

IAN MCKELLEN

Give me that, stupid.

(scowling)

Pathetically moronic halfling dipshit.

EXT. MOUNTAINS

ELIJAH WOOD, SEAN ASTIN, and GOLLUM walk through some more mountains. GOLLUM talks about killing them, SEAN gets angry at GOLLUM, ELIJAH defends him because he sympathizes. Same old shit.

INT. INN

BILLY picks up the SHINY BALL, which, this time, DOES immediately screw with him.

IAN MCKELLEN

You completely worthless boob! What did you tell him?

BILLY BOYD

Nothing.

IAN MCKELLEN

Really?

BILLY BOYD

I told him about the time I broke my mothers favorite vase and blamed it on the dog. And I told him about the time I snuck into the girl’s shower and played with myself. And I told him that sometimes when nobody is around I like to pull the wings off of bugs and pretend I’m a giant and I make them beg for–

IAN MCKELLEN

That’s enough, you twit. Did you see anything?

BILLY BOYD

I saw a deleted scene off the DVD where some white tree is burning.

IAN MCKELLEN

That’s no deleted scene! To Minas Tirith! Everyone, gather as many soldiers as you can! The battle for Middle Earth begins!

IAN and BILLY ride to MINAS TIRITH to speak with JOHN NOBLE.

IAN MCKELLEN

Once we’re inside, Billy, make sure not to speak, lest you allow your mind-boggling stupidity to unravel the very fabric of space-time.

BILLY BOYD

Dude, you turn into kind of an asshole when you get some actual screen time.

JOHN NOBLE

He’s not as bad as me. I am a totally despicable person. I wish my other son had died. I will eat my food in as disgusting a manner as possible as my other son is sent off to his death. Har har har!

(pause)

It’s a good thing I’m such a loathsome individual, otherwise the eventual rise of Viggo Mortensen to the throne would be complicated for the audience.

Meanwhile…

EXT. SOME OTHER CITY

HUGO WEAVING comes and talks to VIGGO.

HUGO WEAVING

Viggo, my daughter has chosen to become mortal so she can marry you and have a child named Link.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Oh, hmm, ouch. Awkward. See, I kinda have my eye on Bernard Hill’s daughter now. Besides, shouldn’t she have waited to give up immortality for me until after this war is over, to make sure I come out of it alive?

HUGO WEAVING

Well, I can help you live through it. Here is the Ridiculously Phallic Sword of the King.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Holy shit! It’s too bad our army is so small that we’ll all die anyway.

HUGO WEAVING

Not if you use your new status as a king to convince an enormous army of invincible ghosts to fight with you.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Army of ghosts? We just can’t make this story stupid enough for people to dislike it, can we?

EXT. MOUNTAINS

GOLLUM leads ELIJAH and SEAN to a GREEN FORTRESS and takes them up a mountainside. Inside the green fortress, the WITCH KING, a mostly NEW VILLAIN, is preparing for battle. He rarely speaks and we know almost nothing of his character background, but it is communicated to the AUDIENCE that he is EVIL by giving him a devil-like face with horns and raspy, angry-sounding voice.

WITCH KING

But this is nothing like Darth Maul, who sucks! Boo!

MEANWHILE, at the top of the mountain, ELIJAH gets ATTACKED BY A GIANT SPIDER! He gets STABBED.

ELIJAH WOOD

Ulp! At least I went one whole movie without getting stabbed!

(paralyzed)

Some ORCS who aren’t BUSY WAGING THE BATTLE ON MIDDLE EARTH come by, steal him, and take him into MORDOR.

ORC #1

Because we are bad guys, we will now engage in infighting which will allow a good guy to move about unnoticed.

ORC #2

Yarr! Why do henchmen in movies always do this at the worst times?

They FIGHT, and SEAN ASTIN arrives to kick some ASS. He and ELIJAH head toward MOUNT DOOM.

EXT. MINAS TIRITH

The EVIL HORDES battle the HEROS. Thousands die violently in the BATTLE FOR MIDDLE EARTH BUT MOSTLY FOR THIS CITY THAT LOOKS LIKE A WEDDING CAKE. The WITCH KING kills the old and wise BERNARD HILL. MIRANDA OTTO and DOMINIC kill him quickly in response.

WITCH KING

Oh no, I have been dispatched with anti-climactic ease after a great deal of build up for my character’s power. Truly, I deserved this end for behaving arrogantly to the young person still alive after killing their mentor! Again, this is nothing at all like Darth Maul, because Lord of the Rings is cinematic brilliance!

(dies)

Eventually, VIGGO MORTENSEN shows up with his SILLY ARMY OF THE DEAD. They effortlessly slaughter the EVIL FORCES.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Ha! I finally did something right!

MIRANDA OTTO

Sort of. Had you gotten here sooner, we could have killed all of the Orcs without sustaining any casualties of our own, and my father would be alive.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Oh. Damn.

IAN MCKELLEN

So, you know what I just realized? I can’t believe I didn’t think of this in the first movie. Even if Elijah and Sean get into Mordor, there will be thousands of Orcs there to stop them from destroying the ring. How silly of me not to see this glaringly obvious problem sooner.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Wait. What if we went to Mordor’s gate and fought? We’d draw them all out! Then instead of being inside Mordor, standing between Elijah and Mount Doom, they’d all be at the gate, killing us!

ORLANDO BLOOM

A diversion.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

Thank you, Orlando Obviousleaf, son of Duh.

They go to MORDOR to GET KILLED. Instead of sending an appropriate number of TROOPS, SAURON sends about ten times as many as needed, emptying out the interior of MORDOR so that ELIJAH and SEAN can pass safely.

ELIJAH WOOD

I can’t go on, Sean. I am but a broken shell of the joyful Hobbit I once was, now overcome with an infinite melancholy that cannot be understood by anyone who has not bore the burden of this ring! My incessantly melodramatic acting has petrified me where I lay.

SEAN ASTIN

Then I will carry you!

ELIJAH WOOD

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

They go throw the RING into the fire. SAURON’S TOWERS fall to the ground and all of his underlings are defeated.

IAN MCKELLEN picks up ELIJAH and SEAN on a GIANT EAGLE and flies them to safety.

END

VIGGO is crowned the new king, and everyone bows before the HOBBITS. Even BILLY BOYD, who didn’t really do anything.

END

The HOBBITS return to their village, where they are treated like normal people, which is kind of disappointing, so Elijah gets the hell out of there and writes a book.

END

SEAN ASTIN marries some GIRL WE NEVER MET AND DON’T CARE ABOUT

SEAN ASTIN

My scene is only here so that the film can end with the same words as the book! Isn’t that worth the movie not ending on the feel-good image of everyone bowing down to all of us?

It ISN’T.

END