The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Feb 2nd, 2005 |
43 Comments
| Movie: 
Aragorn panics, unable to think of any speech other than the one from 'Braveheart'
FADE IN:
EXT. ISENGARD
IAN MCKELLEN, VIGGO MORTENSEN, ORLANDO BLOOM, JOHN RHYS DAVIES, and BERNARD HILL meet back up with BILLY BOYD and DOMINIC MONAGHAN.
IAN MCKELLEN
Good to see you both again. I see you’ve found a goddamn talking tree.
GODDAMN TALKING TREE
Yeah, this is my last scene in the trilogy, don’t worry.
BILLY BOYD
Hey, I found a strange glowing ball. Despite the fact that I live in a world with talking trees and cloaked villains with no faces, I will trustingly pick up this object, as though it wasn’t some awful thing that could destroy me immediately.
It doesn’t do anything to him.
IAN MCKELLEN
Give me that, stupid.
(scowling)
Pathetically moronic halfling dipshit.
EXT. MOUNTAINS
ELIJAH WOOD, SEAN ASTIN, and GOLLUM walk through some more mountains. GOLLUM talks about killing them, SEAN gets angry at GOLLUM, ELIJAH defends him because he sympathizes. Same old shit.
INT. INN
BILLY picks up the SHINY BALL, which, this time, DOES immediately screw with him.
IAN MCKELLEN
You completely worthless boob! What did you tell him?
BILLY BOYD
Nothing.
IAN MCKELLEN
Really?
BILLY BOYD
I told him about the time I broke my mothers favorite vase and blamed it on the dog. And I told him about the time I snuck into the girl’s shower and played with myself. And I told him that sometimes when nobody is around I like to pull the wings off of bugs and pretend I’m a giant and I make them beg for–
IAN MCKELLEN
That’s enough, you twit. Did you see anything?
BILLY BOYD
I saw a deleted scene off the DVD where some white tree is burning.
IAN MCKELLEN
That’s no deleted scene! To Minas Tirith! Everyone, gather as many soldiers as you can! The battle for Middle Earth begins!
IAN and BILLY ride to MINAS TIRITH to speak with JOHN NOBLE.
IAN MCKELLEN
Once we’re inside, Billy, make sure not to speak, lest you allow your mind-boggling stupidity to unravel the very fabric of space-time.
BILLY BOYD
Dude, you turn into kind of an asshole when you get some actual screen time.
JOHN NOBLE
He’s not as bad as me. I am a totally despicable person. I wish my other son had died. I will eat my food in as disgusting a manner as possible as my other son is sent off to his death. Har har har!
(pause)
It’s a good thing I’m such a loathsome individual, otherwise the eventual rise of Viggo Mortensen to the throne would be complicated for the audience.
Meanwhile…
EXT. SOME OTHER CITY
HUGO WEAVING comes and talks to VIGGO.
HUGO WEAVING
Viggo, my daughter has chosen to become mortal so she can marry you and have a child named Link.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Oh, hmm, ouch. Awkward. See, I kinda have my eye on Bernard Hill’s daughter now. Besides, shouldn’t she have waited to give up immortality for me until after this war is over, to make sure I come out of it alive?
HUGO WEAVING
Well, I can help you live through it. Here is the Ridiculously Phallic Sword of the King.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Holy shit! It’s too bad our army is so small that we’ll all die anyway.
HUGO WEAVING
Not if you use your new status as a king to convince an enormous army of invincible ghosts to fight with you.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Army of ghosts? We just can’t make this story stupid enough for people to dislike it, can we?
EXT. MOUNTAINS
GOLLUM leads ELIJAH and SEAN to a GREEN FORTRESS and takes them up a mountainside. Inside the green fortress, the WITCH KING, a mostly NEW VILLAIN, is preparing for battle. He rarely speaks and we know almost nothing of his character background, but it is communicated to the AUDIENCE that he is EVIL by giving him a devil-like face with horns and raspy, angry-sounding voice.
WITCH KING
But this is nothing like Darth Maul, who sucks! Boo!
MEANWHILE, at the top of the mountain, ELIJAH gets ATTACKED BY A GIANT SPIDER! He gets STABBED.
ELIJAH WOOD
Ulp! At least I went one whole movie without getting stabbed!
(paralyzed)
Some ORCS who aren’t BUSY WAGING THE BATTLE ON MIDDLE EARTH come by, steal him, and take him into MORDOR.
ORC #1
Because we are bad guys, we will now engage in infighting which will allow a good guy to move about unnoticed.
ORC #2
Yarr! Why do henchmen in movies always do this at the worst times?
They FIGHT, and SEAN ASTIN arrives to kick some ASS. He and ELIJAH head toward MOUNT DOOM.
EXT. MINAS TIRITH
The EVIL HORDES battle the HEROS. Thousands die violently in the BATTLE FOR MIDDLE EARTH BUT MOSTLY FOR THIS CITY THAT LOOKS LIKE A WEDDING CAKE. The WITCH KING kills the old and wise BERNARD HILL. MIRANDA OTTO and DOMINIC kill him quickly in response.
WITCH KING
Oh no, I have been dispatched with anti-climactic ease after a great deal of build up for my character’s power. Truly, I deserved this end for behaving arrogantly to the young person still alive after killing their mentor! Again, this is nothing at all like Darth Maul, because Lord of the Rings is cinematic brilliance!
(dies)
Eventually, VIGGO MORTENSEN shows up with his SILLY ARMY OF THE DEAD. They effortlessly slaughter the EVIL FORCES.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Ha! I finally did something right!
MIRANDA OTTO
Sort of. Had you gotten here sooner, we could have killed all of the Orcs without sustaining any casualties of our own, and my father would be alive.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Oh. Damn.
IAN MCKELLEN
So, you know what I just realized? I can’t believe I didn’t think of this in the first movie. Even if Elijah and Sean get into Mordor, there will be thousands of Orcs there to stop them from destroying the ring. How silly of me not to see this glaringly obvious problem sooner.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Wait. What if we went to Mordor’s gate and fought? We’d draw them all out! Then instead of being inside Mordor, standing between Elijah and Mount Doom, they’d all be at the gate, killing us!
ORLANDO BLOOM
A diversion.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Thank you, Orlando Obviousleaf, son of Duh.
They go to MORDOR to GET KILLED. Instead of sending an appropriate number of TROOPS, SAURON sends about ten times as many as needed, emptying out the interior of MORDOR so that ELIJAH and SEAN can pass safely.
ELIJAH WOOD
I can’t go on, Sean. I am but a broken shell of the joyful Hobbit I once was, now overcome with an infinite melancholy that cannot be understood by anyone who has not bore the burden of this ring! My incessantly melodramatic acting has petrified me where I lay.
SEAN ASTIN
Then I will carry you!
ELIJAH WOOD
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!
They go throw the RING into the fire. SAURON’S TOWERS fall to the ground and all of his underlings are defeated.
IAN MCKELLEN picks up ELIJAH and SEAN on a GIANT EAGLE and flies them to safety.
END
VIGGO is crowned the new king, and everyone bows before the HOBBITS. Even BILLY BOYD, who didn’t really do anything.
END
The HOBBITS return to their village, where they are treated like normal people, which is kind of disappointing, so ELIJAH gets the hell out of there and writes a book.
END
SEAN ASTIN marries some GIRL WE NEVER MET AND DON’T CARE ABOUT
SEAN ASTIN
My scene is only here so that the film can end with the same words as the book! Isn’t that worth the movie not ending on the feel-good image of everyone bowing down to all of us?
It ISN’T.
END
Well, actually we DID meet the girl Sam marries somewhere around the beginning of the firs film. I think Sam danced with her.
June 15th, 2007 at 11:45 amSeriously, “A diversion” had to be the single most unnecessary pointless line in the whole movie. Haaa haha that was gold.
July 10th, 2007 at 12:48 pmThe first line is the best of the abridged trilogy. “I see you’ve found a goddamn talking tree.” Hilarious.
July 15th, 2007 at 7:32 pmi nearly died when viggo says Thank you, “Orlando Obviousleaf, son of Duh.” so funny thanks for the laugh guys!
July 19th, 2007 at 3:37 amDarn, I was hoping to find an explanation on how the evil ball BILLY BOYD picked up fell out of the tower and into the water 50 feet from the tower base.
August 4th, 2007 at 3:14 pmRUDY! RUDY! RUDY!
HAHAHAHHA, funny fucking shit. Thanks again Rod.
August 6th, 2007 at 11:03 amIt’s still my favorite series of movies ever, but seriously, these “scripts” are absolutely hilarious. I will never be able to refer to Treebeard as such EVER AGAIN.
Also, son of Duh. *snort* Poor Legolas. It’s a good thing he’s so darn pretty, ’cause he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
October 1st, 2007 at 5:49 pmYeah, the Legolas line is the funniest, no question. Like Troi in Star Trek, he’s just there to state the obvious…
November 10th, 2007 at 8:14 amYeah…Theoden is Eowyn’s uncle, not her father…
November 15th, 2007 at 7:17 amCongrats Josh. I was wondering who’d be the person anal enough to point out that inconsequential detail.
November 28th, 2007 at 6:32 amDude, you should have mentioned something about Elija asking the Eagles why they could not fly them over the volcano in the first movie, thus sparing all the extra walking in New Zealand. To this the Eagle would answer that they were taking advantage of the Shireweed discounts caused by oversupply and decreased demand caused by Bilbo’s departure. To which Elia would reply that that must have been the reason for why he was worried for the entire three movies and why the elven bread did not run out.
January 3rd, 2008 at 1:22 amELIJAH WOOD
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!
Sorry guys, I don’t understand the reference here…?
January 9th, 2008 at 7:04 am“Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!” – I don’t understand the reference…?
January 9th, 2008 at 7:06 amIt’s from the film ‘The Kid Who Wanted to Play Football.’
Titled ‘Rudy’ here in the states.
January 9th, 2008 at 6:41 pmI cant believe he left out the quasi-homo erotic way that sean and elijah look at each other at the end and really throughout the entire trilogy. Just fuck him and get it over with, Eli
April 28th, 2008 at 1:43 amthe fat hobbit annoyed the shit out of me! he was totally gay for frodo.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:16 pmSTUPID FAT HOBBITSES!
July 11th, 2008 at 5:17 am“SEAN ASTIN marries some GIRL WE NEVER MET AND DON’T CARE ABOUT”
She was the waitress Sean Astin got all blushy around in the first movie in another pointless scene, so technically we did meet her…but the fact about not caring remains.
love this
July 14th, 2008 at 12:39 amYeah, that movie had more endings then Liz Taylor had husbands.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:02 pmThe Lord of the Rings (and other works of Tolkien) have always been some of my favorite literature. Even so, thank you Rod for ripping these movies a new one! They seriously deserved it.
Tolkien himself said that he never thought the Lord of the Rings would be popular since the work, and his other books, were meant to be a study of languages. Namely a history of elven languages in Middle Earth.
The stories are epic fantasy stories. They are not epic action adventures. As such they don’t translate into the genre that people expect (and as Rod pointed out so well in all of these LoTR scripts).
They could have made a dozen, 3-hour long movies and STILL not have covered all the sub-stories and historical details that were included in the books. Even Shelob (you know, that huge spider) had a rich history.
The movies were lacking in so many ways and Rod pointed out a lot of the flaws from a purely movie-goer perspective. But from a fan of the novels, it was apparent that they were forced to leave out so many details that they ended up having to patch up the story for all the holes that were left.
Arwen (Liv Tyler) didn’t save Frodo when they were nearing Rivendale. That was Glorfindel. Even in the first, animated attempt at cinematizing the LoTR, they had that be Legolas. Arwen’s story, while rich and detailed, was completely tangent to the LoTR although her fate was wrapped up with it. It didn’t deserve a part in any of the movies and could easily have been cut out rather than other items. I guess they needed some explanation for why Aragorn didn’t bed down with Eowyn I suppose.
Aragorn (Viggo) had the sword that was broken (Narsil) with him all the time. He had it reforged in Rivendale by the elven smiths, renamed it Anduril all the way back in The Fellowship of the Ring, BEFORE the Fellowship left Rivendale. The entire group were there for several months.
Elrond and the Elves never went to Helm’s Deep. Elrond’s sons with a small contingent of Rangers of the North (Aragorn’s men) met them after the battle and remained with Aragorn from then on.
Sauron’s army broke the door to Minas Tirith, but their forces never set foot inside. This is because earlier, Aragorn used the ghost army against the Corsairs of Umbar who were miles away at the mouths of Anduin. The slaves on the ship were freed, and defenders against the Corsairs (now perished) were gathered together, sailed up the river and attacked Sauron’s army shortly after Rohan attacked. It was these attacks that diverted the attention of the invaders. Those two forces combinded with the defenders from the city to defeated the army.
And so on and so forth. The movies created so many holes by trying to trim down the story, and from trying to add more action to a mostly non-action story. The plan of the Fellowship was to avoid detection and thus avoid engagements. Not much action when the hero’s first plan of action is to run and only fight when cornered.
Yeah. These movies needed to be ripped to shreds (even though I did rather enjoy parts of them) and Rod, as usual, applied the thumb screws quite nicely!
September 12th, 2008 at 9:29 amyou all suck!!! you are all brainwashed!!! Two men can love each other in a completely platonic way without being gay!!!
September 18th, 2008 at 9:14 amMost of the flaws found in this movie are “flaws” found in the book. The fact is I enjoyed this movie more than most because it didn’t just end abruptly in a feel good way like most of the stuff their brain-washing us with, it ended in many ways, gradually, and ironically, coming from a fantasy movie it ended more realistically than most movies I’ve seen in a long time.
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:40 pmone word. WOW!
Although I’m a fan of the movies, I really don’t like how they did so many things different from the book. Unrelated pointed out a lot of them, but one thing that I feel needed to be included was what happened when the hobbits returned to the shire. It was one of my favorite parts from the book, and it would have been a lot more interesting than alot of other scenes in the movie.
November 10th, 2008 at 4:16 amActually, I liked the movies. The only parts that were truly screwed up were the scenes with Arwen, because in the books she was a minor character, and Jackson was like “MUST FIND AS MANY POINTLESS SCENES TO THROW ARWEN IN AS POSSIBLE SO THAT SHE WON’T BE ENTIRELY FORGOTTEN!!!”
November 18th, 2008 at 7:09 pmAnd did anyone notice how Mr Lame Witch King was all arrogant saying “I WILL BREAK THE WIZARD” but then didn’t get anywhere near him? Why the heck did Jackson cut out that scene, which was sort of crucial because otherwise we’re left wondering why the wizard does not carry a trademark staff for the rest of the film?
And seriously, why did they just not use the eagles from the beginning? It would have saved eight and a half hours of watching and several years of making these films.
Whoa, this is the first movie I saw that had five stars on the top.
January 4th, 2009 at 7:59 amIn regards to the Witch King… he’s not really a new villain, just a villain that hadn’t really been named in the movies till now. He’s even the one who stabbed frodo/elijah wood in the first movie.
As for his death, his backstory is that “no man can kill him”. Not sure if this is mentioned in the movie or just in the books, but COMPLETELY PREDICTABLY from the moment the concept is is introduced (even when reading the series you can see it coming a mile away), he is killed by a non-human and a woman teaming up, thus satisfying the not-being-killed-by-a-dude requirement of his death. So… at least it’s not a star wars ripoff.
January 24th, 2009 at 5:15 amThe Witch King was never a rip off from Star Wars, considering Lord of the Rings was written first… Even in this abridged script, I think you were reaching for parallels. Horns and a raspy voice does not a Darth Maul rip-off make.
February 8th, 2009 at 1:16 pmRegarding “the eagles”:
October 24th, 2009 at 11:25 pmThe reason they couldn’t just fly to Mt Doom in the first place is because, at that time, Mordor was literally crawling with the armies of Sauron and anyone/anything coming near would have been slaughtered. It was only when Viggo and company had defeated a large portion of those armies at Minas Tirith, and then drew the rest out (when they were surrounded at the end) that the interior of Mordor was barren enough to allow eagles to fly unabated to Mt Doom.
"Thank you, Orlando Obviousleaf, son of duh" MAJOR LOL!
November 18th, 2009 at 4:45 pmOne of the best movies turned into one of the best abridged scripts. I loved everything about this script. One thing i noticed when seeing the movie was that in the end credits Arwen was the third to be shown among the cast. THIRD! Wasnt she a minor character?! Oh well, the movies are still great. And so is this amazing script.
December 12th, 2009 at 7:44 pmPretty good, except Billy Boyd can sing (and does) which makes him awesome.
January 5th, 2010 at 5:19 amand as long as the abridged version changes things, Frodo and Sam need to make out….. at least once. Please???
So, was anyone else pissed off that Gandalf, a fucking WIZARD, never actually uses any magic, like, ever? The most he ever does is have that feable telekinesis battle in the first movie and shines a flashlight at a fucking DARK DRAGON OF DOOM which somehow is it’s weakness? Wouldn’t they have been able to defeat the orcs better if he like, I dunno, maybe cast some lightning or fireballs or summon a demon? I mean, come on, it’s been established that WIZARDS CAST MAGIC by every single fantasy thing in forever. And here’s a wizard who doesn’t do shit expect shine flashlights. Wow.
January 25th, 2010 at 5:29 pmYou're an idiot.
April 14th, 2010 at 7:27 am"Aragorn panics, unable to think of any speech other than the one from 'Braveheart'"
June 9th, 2010 at 10:49 pmI love this.
Ok, you do know this shit's based on a book right. A book written in the 1930s. A book which featured the whole Eowyn killing Theodin thing.
You do realize you just claimed troupe from a book written in the 1930s was copied from a film released in 1999. You do realize how unbelievably retarded that sounds.
Also Witch king is not a new villain, he's actually the very first antagonist we see after the prologue of the first film. Was him putting a spooky helmet on that confusing?
July 31st, 2010 at 5:42 pm-Arwen and Aragorn's story is covered in the largest apendix of the Return of the King. It is quite vital to understanding Aragorn's character.
-He probably cut it so it could be in the directors cut.
July 31st, 2010 at 6:15 pmPeople go on about the Eagles like they're the end all. Its well established that Sauron has lots of flying servants. Forget the wraiths, ever heard of the concept of "mobbing", its when crows beat the shit out of large birds of prey.
That's not a requirement of his death. Its a borderline prophetic statement from the Simarillion.
In the Lord of the Rings its just some witty mid combat banter. The Witch King boasts no man can kill him and Eowyn says she is "no man". Personally I think the movie should have left it that way instead of doing the hoaky foreshadowing.
There's nothing to suggest that vaginas are the Witch king's kryptonite.
July 31st, 2010 at 6:17 pmPlus if we really want to geek it up, Eagles according to the Simarillion implied as serving the same role of Ents for animals. Thus they would probably feel as ambivalent about helping mankind as the Ents did. Unlike the Ents the Eagles never had their homes destroyed, so it makes sense that it would take them longer to join the conflict.
July 31st, 2010 at 6:20 pmThey're not gay. Their friendship is actually based on the comradery between soldiers and their commanding officers that Tolkien encountered during WWI.
July 31st, 2010 at 6:23 pmYou'll enjoy the hobbit. He throw's lightning bolts around and turns pine cones and acorns into grenades.
Lord of the Rings is the basis of just about "every fantasy thing in forever". The magic in it is low key and intangible. Lesser narratives thought they'd distinguish themselves by making all their characters more godmodly, which is great for making nerds shit themselves about how uber kewl it is, but its rubbish for making a decent story or compelling characters. Plus all the time you run into the problem of the author conveniently forgetting one or more magical abilities when they're incontinent to the plot.
Also, Gandalf isn't really a Wizard in the way you think of it, he's more like an arch angle or minor diety. Some actually suggest he's based on the norse Odin, who is not known for slinging fireballs around or turning couches into bison. He is none the less one of the most powerful and revered gods of the entire norse pantheon and Norse myth is a huge influence on Tolkein.
Last of all, in the books its established that Gandalf isn't there to directly fight the Dark Lord. He's there to rally the rest of Middle Earth to do it so they can finally stand on their own to feet and not come crying to the gods like they did with the last dark lord.
July 31st, 2010 at 6:33 pmWatch the extended dvd of the movie, it explains how that happened.
August 2nd, 2010 at 10:29 amagain, watch the extended cut of the movie, he does"break the wizard" and gandalf ends up on his ass with his staff broken.
August 2nd, 2010 at 10:34 amNo, but talking like Yoda nerd does make you.
August 5th, 2010 at 4:34 pm