Avatar: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Jan 14th, 2010 |
145 Comments
| Movie: 
Confused, Jake Sully aims for Tobias Fünke's head.
FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP
SAM WORTHINGTON awakens from cryogenic sleep as the PILOT comes onto the radio.
PILOT
Alright everyone, we’re now arriving at Pandora.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Pandora? No wonder I keep hearing the same twenty songs over and over again.
SAM exits his tiny cryogenic tube and stretches his legs.
SAM WORTHINGTON (V.O.)
Air travel has been pretty restrictive since the Christmas underwear bomber. Anyway, it’s 2149 and I’m about to continue my dead brother’s work to help Giovanni Ribisi make enough money to buy some new vowels for his last name. Oh, and I’ll be occasionally dropping some voiceover exposition, because what would lazy storytelling be without voiceover?
INT. MILITARY BASE – PANDORA
SAM wheels his 145-YEAR-OLD WHEELCHAIR into a briefing room to hear a speech by STEPHEN LANG.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Holy shit, Duke Nukem Forever really does get released in the future!
STEPHEN LANG
No, I’m the film’s bullheaded tough guy. Welcome to Pandora. There’s not enough oxygen here to breathe, though it’s worth mentioning there is enough oxygen for totally awesome explosions.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Is the gravity at least the same?
STEPHEN LANG
Actually, we’ll be constantly mentioning the lower gravity here, but it will somehow have absolutely no effect on anyone.
SAM meets SIGOURNEY WEAVER and JOEL MOORE.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
I hate you because you’re a marine, and marines are stupid. Though I will turn out to be wrong about you, I will be correct about all other members of the military. Fuck the troops.
JOEL MOORE
Let’s get you logged into your Avatar 3D IMAX Experience.
SAM WORTHINGTON
So what are these things? They look like fucking Night Elves. Is World of Warcraft still around in the future?
JOEL MOORE
Actually yes, but you get your epic mount at level 3 now. Anyway, these are avatars. They are grown by combining the DNA of the Pandora natives with human DNA, but somehow they come out genetically identical to the natives.
SAM mentally links to BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
I can feel my legs again! That makes it completely worth how utterly ridiculous I look!
BLUE JOEL MOORE
Be careful with it, Sam. James Cameron spent millions of dollars to develop the advanced facial capture technology it needs.
BLUE SIGOURNEY WEAVER
Cameron spent millions to develop advanced facial capture technology then strapped it to a guy whose face shows no expression?
BLUE JOEL MOORE
In spite of his role in fucking up the Terminator franchise, no less. Guy’s a saint.
EXT. JUNGLE – PANDORA
The BLUE CAT GROUP travels into the JUNGLE to HUG TREES AND SHIT.
BLUE SIGOURNEY WEAVER
Look Joel, this plant is exactly the same as it was yesterday! Research! Science! Breakthroughs!
BLUE JOEL MOORE
Alright Sam, just keep guard while we do some science. Keep your eyes open; this is a fantastical, far-away land, which means that the organisms are all not quite the same as organisms on earth.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
I have a not-quite-rhinocerous staring at me. And now a not-quite-panther is chasing me.
BLUE SIGOURNEY WEAVER
Run! Run like McG is chasing you with the script to Terminator 5!
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
(running)
Why the hell did they give me a gun if it can’t do anything?
SAM gets separated from JOEL and SIGOURNEY.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
We’d better head back to base before it gets dark. There’s no way to locate Sam now.
BLUE JOEL MOORE
No way to locate him? We spent billions of dollars growing these things and didn’t bother giving them a GPS or something? I have a fucking GPS in my running shoes. How does the “jacking in” process work if we can’t locate the fucking things?
Meanwhile SAM wanders deeper into the jungle. As night falls, the plants start to emit a neon glow.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Oh fuck, I think I wandered into a Joel Schumacher movie. Someone, get me out of here!
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
(subtitled)
You should not be here. Jesus, am I subtitled with the Papyrus font? Fuck it, I’ll speak English.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Take me to your tribe leader. I need to become a member of your people.
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
Absolutely not.
(pause)
Alright.
SAM and ZOE go to HOMETREE and meet ZOE’S FATHER, WES STUDI.
BLUE WES STUDI
Welcome to my village, Sam Worthington. I am Wes, a Cherokee actor. You’ve already met my Latina daughter Zoe, and this is my wife, CCH Pounder, a black actresses. Over here is Laz Alonso, who hates you.
BLUE LAZ ALONSO
I am also played by a black actor.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Wow, nice to know the casting session was just as awkwardly racist as the rest of the movie. Are we going to do the same shit as Pocahontas, The Last Samurai, Ferngully, and Dances with Wolves?
BLUE WES STUDI
Ooh, I was in that last one! Anyway, Zoe will train you to become one of us and eventually the best of us.
BLUE LAZ ALONSO
What?! I am blue with rage!
ZOE takes SAM through PANDORA.
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
We Na’vi are one with nature. We reject your culture’s love of technology and instead we appreciate the harmony and beauty of the world.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
I sure am glad computer technology has gotten sophisticated enough that James Cameron could make his $230 million 3D IMAX movie about rejecting technology! I think I understand: technology bad, nature good!
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
Exactly! Not counting the technology that cryogenically froze you, transported you to this planet, sustains your oxygen supply, or allows you to wirelessly link into an avatar, of course.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Of course.
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
Now, see the winged animals behind me?
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Yes. Do we appreciate the beauty and majesty of these grand creatures?
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
Huh? No, we enslave them. Plug your ponytail into one to take control of it’s mind. Fuck you, blue pterodactyl!
SAM and ZOE fly around for a while so that the AUDIENCE MEMBERS WEARING UNCOMFORTABLE 3D GLASSES feel they got their money’s worth.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
What the fuck? Floating mountains? How did “floating mountains” make it all the way from script to storyboard to rendering without anyone asking how mountains can float while people just walk around?
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
The best part is that the floating mountains have waterfalls. Where is the water coming from?
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Holy shit, you’re right! I think I’m in love with you!
SAM and ZOE have sex.
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
Oops, is it gay if the braids touch?
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
We’d better cut to something else before the audience members realize they are watching giant blue kitty cats fuck.
Meanwhile…
INT. MILITARY BASE
GIOVANNI RIBISI is talking to STEPHEN LANG.
GIOVANNI RIBISI
Hang on while I putt this ball into this mug for the 3D crowd. Alright now, I think it may be time to blow up Hometree.
STEPHEN LANG
I growl with approval.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
You can’t! Don’t you understand how amazing these trees are? Each tree has ten to the fourth connections to the trees around it!
JOEL MOORE
That’s almost ten-thousand connections!
GIOVANNI RIBISI
Listen, I don’t care about trees. I’m here to mine Unobtanium! Mwa ha ha!
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
“Unobtanium”? Really? May as well have just gone with “MacGuffinium”.
GIOVANNI orders HOMETREE destroyed but BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON tries to stop it.
STEPHEN LANG
Hey, zoom in on that blue guy. Enhance!
GIOVANNI RIBISI
Oh, did you just say “enhance” while looking at a paused video? I think I just got Movie Cliche Bingo!
STEPHEN storms into the AVATAR LINK ROOM to unplug SAM WORTHINGTON.
JOEL MOORE
No, don’t! Unplugging an avatar is extremely dangerous!
STEPHEN LANG
And yet we’re going to do it like ten times in the movie without consequence!
STEPHEN unplugs SAM then locks him, JOEL, and SIGOURNEY in a cell. MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ breaks them out.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Stephen just blew the fuck out of Hometree. I disobeyed a direct order and left, but I guess that’s alright in the future because I’m not locked in there with you. Let’s go fly the mobile avatar link station into the jungle somewhere.
SAM WORTHINGTON
But how will that work, without any connections to anything of any kind, including a power source?
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
ALL THINGS IN JAMES CAMERON’S DREAMS ARE POSSIBLE IN THE FUTURE!
SAM links back up with BLUE SAM and captures THE ONLY THING ON THE PLANET THAT ISN’T BLUE OR GREEN.
SAM WORTHINGTON (V.O.)
Somehow, I was the first guy to ever think of jumping onto the red flying pterodactyl from above. So that made me the king or something, and I went around gathering natives all around the planet to help defend against the next attack.
STEPHEN LANG
Giovanni, someone is gathering Na’vi together to defend the Tree of Souls. They’ve gone from ten to the second to over ten to the third Na’vi!
GIOVANNI RIBISI
Hmm. What would Paul Reiser from Aliens do? I guess, murder everyone.
STEPHEN assembles a team to bomb the TREE OF SOULS. BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON leads a counterattack. Even MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ helps!
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
You’re not the only one with a gun, bitch.
(dies)
Okay now you are, bitch.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON takes down the ship carrying the bomb, causing it to detonate a few yards from the original target and therefore doing NO DAMAGE. STEPHEN LANG enters a BATTLEMECH and jumps to the surface.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
A battlemech? Really?
STEPHEN LANG
James Cameron is convinced every movie would be better with battlemechs. To be fair, he’s probably right.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Huh. Well, there’s only one thing in the world that could possibly make a battle between an 8-foot-tall smurf and a giant mech any more ridiculous.
STEPHEN LANG
A knife fight.
STEPHEN and SAM fight. Eventually, SAM wins! And some 3D ARROWS jump out at the AUDIENCE but in a totally immersive and not-at-all gimmicky way!
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
Sam, we did it! Why aren’t you more excited?
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Well, I’m confused. I can’t figure out why the internet is so in love with this movie. It’s just another three-hour James Cameron blockbuster that uses an absurdly cliche plot full of painfully corny dialogue to hold together what is merely a showcase for stunning special effects.
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
Simple. People on the internet can’t dress up as characters from Titanic. Half the internet is Furries, dude.
END
Nice one Rod.
January 14th, 2010 at 1:35 pmFIRST!
"Run! Run like McG is chasing you with the script to Terminator 5!" – LOL
January 14th, 2010 at 1:41 pmBra-fucking-O Rod!
January 14th, 2010 at 2:06 pmSuperb. Glad to see there's still genius on the internet.
January 14th, 2010 at 2:35 pmyay!
January 14th, 2010 at 2:35 pmthe only reason i watch some of these stupid movies is so i can read these scripts afterwards and LOL! thanks Rod!
January 14th, 2010 at 2:50 pmHaha fantastic, loved the battlemech line in the end – so true. The world would surely be a better place with powered exoskeleton armor.
January 14th, 2010 at 3:03 pmI actually thought that Sam Worthington was one of the only things that made Terminator Salvation watchable.
Anyway, I didn’t think this script was as funny as the ones for bad movies. It’s always easier to make fun of crappy movies.
January 14th, 2010 at 8:58 amI don’t get the Arrested Development joke (in the caption). Is it because Tobias “blue himself?”
January 14th, 2010 at 9:30 amHilton, stop getting offended by everything. Not every movie is a conspiracy to induce your white-male guilt complex about race relations, sexism, etc. Just because buildings blow up in a movie, it does not mean Emmerich is being insensitive about 9/11. Chill the hell out. Otherwise it was pretty funny.
January 14th, 2010 at 4:31 pmNice work Rod. Great script….run like McG is chasing you with a script for Terminator 5….hahahah
January 14th, 2010 at 4:38 pmThis movie was awful, your abridged script is hysterical.
Thanks! :)
January 14th, 2010 at 4:41 pmgod thank you, I hated this piece of shit.
james cameron (he used to be so great) has turned into a fucking hack, only interested in special effects and spending as much money as possible.
and thanks to the box office succes, every action movie will be in 3D from now on. thank you, james "walking douchebag" cameron!
January 14th, 2010 at 5:20 pmExcellent! I couldn't WAIT to see you rip apart this film, the moment I finished watching it in theatres! I knew it was to be one of the most predictable and stale storylines to be overblown and overhyped in years.
Speaking of which, and I know this is a pattern with me, but… how did this generate a personal Rod Hilton rating of 4 out of 5 if you've mentioned all the faults and clichés this film possesses? Wouldn't it actually be more fitting for an average 3 stars?
Effects aside, this movie is definitely nothing special… and you're definitely too sharp to not have realized that… as opposed to the masses who – as you so wonderfully said about another (genuinely better) movie – "rub their movie tickets on themselves to CURE CANCER, because this is OHMIGOD THE BEST MOVIE EVER EVER EVER!" Can't wait for the next script! You brighten days with them.
January 14th, 2010 at 5:26 pmwell, i loved the film despite its faults. it's a true move experience.
didn't think it was your best Rod, but still had a couple of gems
BLUE SIGOURNEY WEAVER
Run! Run like McG is chasing you with the script to Terminator 5
ha, class
January 14th, 2010 at 5:35 pmI actually really liked this movie but I still found the script funny.
January 14th, 2010 at 6:21 pmI thought I should mention though that Zoe Saldana is Latina not black…
Good job on pointing out this film's inconsistencies. I still liked it though, not just because it was entertaining but I thought it really did have its moments of brillaince.
January 14th, 2010 at 6:26 pmScript was great, movie was flawed but still great fun.
January 14th, 2010 at 12:15 pmTobias wanted to join the blue man group and painted himself.
January 14th, 2010 at 7:49 pmFantastic review. I loved the line about Duke Nukem 3D finally being sold in the future. LOL
January 14th, 2010 at 8:44 pmHilarious as always. For the noobs: Rod gave the movie a 4/5 because he liked it, in spite of the parts that were easy to make fun of (and there were quite a few). See also Star Trek, Dark Knight, etc.
January 14th, 2010 at 1:45 pm<<<Simple. People on the internet can’t dress up as characters from Titanic. Half the internet is Furries, dude.>>>
This was the funniest part about the entire script.
<<<how did this generate a personal Rod Hilton rating of 4 out of 5 if you've mentioned all the faults and clichés this film possesses?>>>
Because he liked it, maybe?
While I love what you do Rod, it's pretty easy to tell when you really like a movie such as this one; the script isn't as good or as biting like the ones you do for really bad movies.
Avatar is probably one of the best movies I've ever seen and it deserved all the hype it got. Fuck all the haters; they only dislike it cuz this is the internet and people want to look cool for hating popular things.
January 14th, 2010 at 8:45 pmFew people here don't realize it is actually possible to completely rip on something you like/love.
January 14th, 2010 at 8:48 pmWhat would Paul Reiser from Aliens do?
Haha that had me chuckling for a while. :D
January 14th, 2010 at 8:59 pmPerfect! I have so many people telling me this movie is the best ever, and I just left the theatre unable to think of anything except the flaws. Thank you for this! It articulated everything my husband and I were discussing on the way home!
I think the bad guys and good guys in Avatar could have had "GOOD" and "EVIL" tattooed on their faces, and it would have been less noticeable than the ham-handed, clumsy dialogue. "I want to blow up Hometree in time to get home for dinner." Really? Ugh.
Great, as usual!
January 14th, 2010 at 10:24 pm"They’ve gone from ten to the second to over ten to the third Na’vi!"
Hahahahahahahahaha.
January 15th, 2010 at 1:14 amI don't usually bother to nitpick (because it's parody and if you don't know some little character nuance or something, who cares really, it's still hella funny), but thought you might like to know that the atmosphere of Pandora contains not only some oxygen, but also methane and hydrogen cyanide, both extremely flammable gases. The waterfalls on the floating mountains remain unexplained… :)
Great script as always.
January 15th, 2010 at 2:54 amI dont know if anyone else seemed to notice but didn't signorney weever smoke in a space ship? Oh and the weird floating cliff things make sense because magnetic poles were opposite or some make believe crap that makes no sense. You can really tell what kind of person someone is if they can call this a film.
January 15th, 2010 at 3:22 amI loved the movie and I loved the script. The last line had me laughing for a long time.
January 15th, 2010 at 4:18 amFuck this movie. Everybody go watch Princess Mononoke instead.
January 15th, 2010 at 5:36 amSam Worthington can't do an American accent for more more thasn a minute. You can hear it slipping. Otherwise, the movie was quite boring until the last half hour, then it was ok. Awesome script.
January 15th, 2010 at 6:48 amexactly what I expected. Amazing visuals at a cost to story (that’s been told before..).
Glad you hit my biggest complaints:
-Mountains float while water falls!!!
-He’s all wired up but linked wireless to the Avatar..? (meanwhile they can’t track or monitor??)
Really liked the gaming references (always want more tho).
January 15th, 2010 at 12:52 am"SAM wheels his 145-YEAR-OLD WHEELCHAIR into…"
Ha ha! "The Christmas underwear bomber" was a nice one, too, but this was the first one that got me LOL :D
Kudos, Rod! I was looking forward to this script and you never fail to make my day :)
Great movie, BTW, notwithstanding some pretty laughable flaws you managed to wrap up so nicely ;)
January 15th, 2010 at 1:25 pmAnd not every movie is free from bullshit political messages. Sam might as well have looked straight into the camera at the end of the movie when talking about how our American culture just takes what they want, regardless of any indigenous people, and destroys everything.
My theater not only gave out 3D glass, but helmets also since this movie beat you over the head with it's messages. Hollywood loves nothing more than cranking out anit-America, anti-Bush, "9/11 is our fault" movies, and if you can't see that, I think you've been spending too much time with the Na’vi, and need to come down off the floating mountains.
January 15th, 2010 at 4:18 pmFilm critic Roger Ebert
" It has a flat-out Green and anti-war message."
"You are free to find this an allegory about contemporary politics. Cameron obviously does."
http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/arti...
—————–
Cameron, who was born in Canada, said he had been "surprised at how much it did look like September 11. I didn't think that was necessarily a bad thing".
Referring to the "shock and awe" sequence, he said: "We know what it feels like to launch the missiles. We don't know what it feels like for them to land on our home soil, not in America. I think there's a moral responsibility to understand that.
http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/arts/war-on-...
—————-
Yep, it's all in Rod's head.
January 15th, 2010 at 5:01 pm"I want this mission high and tight. I want to be home for dinner." First of all, way to get the line wrong. Second of all, that line was referring to the destruction of the Tree of Souls, not Hometree.
JUST SAYING.
January 15th, 2010 at 6:32 pmWhy would you assume he has to be offended or feel guilty to poke fun at something?
What are you struggling with so much that you got offended and went on a tirade?
January 15th, 2010 at 8:04 pmThat future is so 1996.
January 15th, 2010 at 11:48 pm“Tobias wanted to join the blue man group and painted himself.”
I know this, but why would a confused Jake Sully shoot at him? What did he mistake blue Tobias for??
January 15th, 2010 at 6:58 pmI wish you put something like this:
BLUE ZOE CALDANA
January 16th, 2010 at 2:22 amSo you knew what they were planning all along? How could you? This is unforgivable. I will never trust you again, unless you somehow capture a giant flying deux ex machina that will make me totally forget your hurtful betrayal Unless that happens, never come back here again!
"Hollywood loves nothing more than cranking out anit-America, anti-Bush, "9/11 is our fault" movies, and if you can't see that, I think you've been spending too much time with the Na’vi, and need to come down off the floating mountains."
9/11 was your fault, you deverved it. Now all the other countrys you pissed off since are trying for you too.
January 16th, 2010 at 5:37 amPossibly a few less in-jokes next time? A lot of these were lost on me, and I'm a fairly movie-learned person.
January 16th, 2010 at 8:13 am"Fuck all the haters; they only dislike it cuz this is the internet and people want to look cool for hating popular things. "
Or perhaps they disliked it because of the generic story, characters, etc.
Not to say I didn't enjoy it. It was great fun, and had awesome action, but it certainly wouldn't have been very engaging for me if it weren't for the effects (which were fantastic). People have just as much a right to dislike a movie as they do love it like a child.
January 16th, 2010 at 8:17 amNice script. While I liked the film overall, I was disappointed by its incredibly cliched and, worst of all, predictable plot. Also, ham-fisted moral messages, stereotyped characters and anonymous soundtrack. The world of the movie is not just a background, it's fascinating and well characterized, but I felt it partially wasted with that script. At least it doesn't insult the viewer's intelligence, but doesn't challenge it either. Really fine entertainment, but as it's turning out, also one of the most overrated movies ever – WGA nomination for best original screenplay? Come on!
January 16th, 2010 at 9:28 amNice one. I like Sam Worthington, but fuck that movie.
January 16th, 2010 at 9:43 amnice to see you've been taking Rod's work too far and became a cynical bastard
January 16th, 2010 at 3:31 pmWell this movie did incorporate some of the latest technology, so I think it would be a bit more than average
January 16th, 2010 at 3:32 pmMovies aren't non-fiction?
January 16th, 2010 at 3:35 pmI don't think many people here realize that just because a movie is unrealistic, doesn't mean it sucks.
January 16th, 2010 at 3:38 pmmore accurately, he "Blued" himself.
January 16th, 2010 at 7:00 pmaverage movie….kickass script….i was waiting for u to kill this one..thank for makin my day!!
January 16th, 2010 at 8:21 pmSigourney didn't smoke in a spaceship (she was on the planet for the duration of the film), she smoked in the lab.
January 16th, 2010 at 9:10 pmThe film isn't beyond criticism, but some of the jabs in this script seemed to come from not paying full attention. For instance, there isn't a shortage of oxygen, there is a toxin in the air. The masks filter out the toxin. This was explained in the fifteen minutes of heavy exposition at the start, so it could be easy to miss. =)
January 16th, 2010 at 9:13 pmEven terrorists have something to say about this movie. :P
January 17th, 2010 at 1:45 amGood! But you forgot to include something in the lines of:
"I have become one of you, but still I'll talk in english"
Or, you know…the whole idea of using the avatars in order to ease comunication with beings that know that there are fakes and call them "demons"
And, my favorite… I'll finish the job of my brother…the one that won't be mentioned ever again…"
January 17th, 2010 at 2:59 amNo, but a movie that can't connect simple threads of logic in its own story DOES suck. Y'know… movies like Avatar… just sayin.
January 17th, 2010 at 7:44 amThey showed him attempting to learn the language (very slowly, due to not being all that good at it). Perhaps his intellectual brother would have managed it faster if he had been given the chance.
His brother got mentioned a lot in the first section of the film. I'm not entirely sure what your criticism is here. Though I am still quite drunk…
January 17th, 2010 at 1:01 pm“BLUE ZOE SALDANA
(subtitled)
You should not be here. Jesus, am I subtitled with the Papyrus font? Fuck it, I’ll speak English.”
Too funny!
January 17th, 2010 at 6:37 amAvatar was sub-par and i didnt need james cameron trying to force his political beliefs down my throat many times during the movie
January 17th, 2010 at 9:53 pmClassic as always. “Unobtanium”? Really? May as well have just gone with “MacGuffinium”. I had a very similar line in my own review.
January 18th, 2010 at 12:52 amThe thing that got to me the most was the fact that a story about super-obvious goodies and super-obvious badies took 3 hours. I know he wanted to show off the world of Pandora, but Jesus, three fucking hours for ‘Okay, we’ve already established we are complete assholes, but in case someone forgot we need to do some more horrible shit, while the blue furries re-establish why they’re such good guys. Again.’
January 17th, 2010 at 6:06 pmEspecially since Rod gave the movie an unprecedented-for-him four stars.
January 18th, 2010 at 9:42 amJust to nitpick, the Na'vi have 3 fingers, the Avatars have 4. So they aren't genetically identical. So yeah.
January 18th, 2010 at 11:49 amI’m glad I’m not alone in the dislike of this movie. Honestly the movie by itself doesn’t bother me as much as the hype and how people view it. This is only a marginally better than the avg Michael Bay movie because Cameron can craft a film better than Bay, just didn’t know he’d get lazy and really take to the “look at the explosions, ignore the plot holes” Bay mantra. You got stuff I noticed…but left out what exactly this ‘wireless, real-time, and limitless’ Avatar uplink technology is? Or rather how it’s in the Avatar? But yea, I’m not ‘hating’ because it’s popular, it’s because it is the re-hashed story that it is….and that it’s being called a ‘game-changer’ when the tech behind this movie isn’t what it’s hyped to be. The methods used here were done before, Cameron just had the money to get nicer toys and put his name on them so he can make money on them when others want to use them. He’s merely trying to reshape everything to his whims as is he’s right and no one can disagree….btw the stereoscopic or ‘3D’ technology has been around 70 years since Polaroid invented it. If Cameron really wanted to wow us he’d of SHOT this in IMAX or IMAX 3D instead of the cameras he used and just letting people think it’s IMAX. People who like this movie have just bought into the marketing without realizing the 3D wool over their eyes.
January 18th, 2010 at 2:34 pmYou seem to be a frequent visitor of this page, then you should know that Hilton's score (when they are high) always differ from the review. My point being that Rod always seem to disect and locate the more moronic flaws in a movie and present them in a histarical manner, thus I'm saying that the score doesn't have to be low to get a review.
For the record, this site is about making fun of movies. Maybe Rod liked it, but how fun would it be to have him sell out and praise the movie instead of giving us this hilarious script :) I'm rambling, whatevs! Peace!
January 19th, 2010 at 5:41 amPersonally, I was half expecting this to start out as "James Cameron and company decided to have a movie marathon to watch Pocahontas, Dances with Wolves, etc… Towards the end of the night, James Cameron has a WONDERFUL idea for his next movie."
James Cameron
"Hey crew, instead of making a new movie, let's just recreate one of these… Except, we'll turn their skin blue instead of red…"
Crew
January 19th, 2010 at 11:28 pm"Umm… We'd quit, but we fully expect that stupid people will watch this movie… So… LET'S GET RICH!"
BLUE WES STUDI
Welcome to my village, Sam Worthington. I am Wes, a Cherokee actor. You’ve already met MY LATINA DAUGHTER ZOE…
January 19th, 2010 at 11:59 pmthank you for that! It made me happy. I enjoyed the movie as well, but I find it hard to say "I liked it" when people continue to praise it as something much much better than it really is!
January 20th, 2010 at 2:07 amUh, Avatar *is* a crappy movie.
January 20th, 2010 at 3:09 amAlso four toes. I don't know why I remember that, but I do.
January 20th, 2010 at 4:08 amNot sure if this is mentioned, but I kind of think this guy did what you were doing, but a little better. No offense.
http://autotelic.com/avatar_-_the_metacontextual_...
I know you do this as a regular thing, but he got his up before you, so you can't say he ripped you off on this one.
January 20th, 2010 at 3:26 pmIm surprised you didn't mention anything about the bombing mechanism consisting of a few guys pushing some cans of explosives down a ramp
January 20th, 2010 at 5:22 pmGood work again, Rod. So many things I found in this script that I never thought at laughing at while watching the film. I enjoyed it as a 3D spectacle, but it wasn't amazing. If you'd seen The Last Samurai, Dances With Wolves etc. (as you said) you knew exactly where it was heading…
January 20th, 2010 at 11:54 pmWhat does "Bra o" mean?
January 21st, 2010 at 4:44 amRe: bombing mechanism at end
I've been convinced of this recently by a friend: the movie REALLY REALLY needed a nuke. Like Cameron lately has decided that his stories don't need nukes. I suppose Titanic didn't… maybe Solaris worked without one (ehhh, no, not really). One would have made sense here, especially considering that the One-Dimensional Corporation of Greed brought along 1) an army, 2) a colonel, 3) a shitload of napalm to destroy Giant Fuck-Tree. But when the climax arrives, they saran-wrap a giant pallet together and kick it out the back? And it's so pinpoint that it can crash two feet from the target zone?
Stop liking this movie. Please?
January 21st, 2010 at 6:03 amDamn straight! Mechs for everyone! Although I prefer my 'mechs without five-fingered human hands and swords/knives. Those just seem so utterly impractical. Ah well.
January 21st, 2010 at 1:24 pmRe. the movie REALLY REALLY needed a nuke.
Yeah, that was exactly what the movie needed – a device to make the entire plot irrelevant. That would have been SO AMAZING. I wonder why it’s James Cameron making movies and not you and your friend.
January 21st, 2010 at 2:06 pmGreat Review, Rod. Since everybody and their dog has seen this movie, it's nice to know someone else thinks it's a tired, cliched film that has become totally overrated.
The "ten to the…" dialogue bothered me, Zoe Saldana's emotional scenes were annoying as fuck, and Michelle Rodriguez has the innate ability to make any person hate her on instinct.
January 22nd, 2010 at 1:30 amIt's still essentially a rip-off of this site, and not a very good one at that.
January 22nd, 2010 at 10:17 pmLove this script! I'm glad you pointed out the MacGuffin, haha. I honestly did very much enjoy the movie, for all its flaws. Isn't that what love's about? XD
January 23rd, 2010 at 4:09 amHahah, Rod Hilton plays wow.
January 23rd, 2010 at 1:10 pmNice Script, I cant wait for more.
Are you going to start writing scripts for television shows now Rod? There's so much awful shit on television these days, a man in your line of work..fucking goldmine.
Pretty sure it means "I like this script so much that I want you to know my cup size – the rare customized 'O' – on the basis that you will want to meet me once you do."
January 23rd, 2010 at 4:21 pmI'm going to nitpick freely here, but in the spirit of pedagogy, not malice.
January 23rd, 2010 at 4:40 pmFlammable gases do not burn in the absence of oxygen. Yes, an explosion will ignite methane with only a small amount of associated oxygen, but it will not produce a giant fireball. That wouldn't make a bomb any less dangerous, because its detonation still generates a shock wave that would compress the tissue of even a carbon fiber-reinforced skeleton.
In movies, though, the only way you know the blast radius is to watch the fireball.
Re the wireless link to his avatar: It's a good thing the magnetic interference around those floating mountains doesn't interrupt that wireless signal. Shame the humans never thought to use the same transmission medium for, you know, their defense infrastructure.
January 23rd, 2010 at 4:56 pmvoiceover? seriously? you fking dumbasses, lol
January 24th, 2010 at 3:29 amSilly me, it's almost like I was CRITICIZING it for being too simplistic and creating bare elements as an excuse for a stupid action movie, but I see that I have overstepped my boundaries. I wouldn't want to make Cameron's movie IRRELEVANT or something!
I doubt my friend and I would last very long; create one too many complicated elements and the pinheads won't get it. There does seem to be a lot of you. (see: current box office standings)
January 25th, 2010 at 5:46 amWhile I love what you do Rod, it's pretty easy to tell when you really like a movie such as this one; the script isn't as good or as biting like the ones you do for really bad movies.
Avatar is probably one of the best movies I've ever seen and it deserved all the hype it got. Fuck all the haters; they only dislike it cuz this is the internet and people want to look cool for hating popular things.
SO SO TRUE!!!! THANK YOU!!
There's no denying Rod's brilliance, but this movie was a mind-blowing phenomenon and there's no denying that either. I would say more but it's already been said…thank you Wapa!!
January 25th, 2010 at 11:02 amYet another person who didn’t realize “Unobtanium” was an in-joke.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unobtanium
January 25th, 2010 at 3:15 pmYou can be both. Latina is an ethnicity. Black is a race.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:40 pmRod actually seems to have quite liked the movie. He gave it 4 out of 5 stars.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:42 pmBrilliant. Love it.
January 27th, 2010 at 8:26 amHahaha! Shows just how incredibly stupid this movie is.
January 27th, 2010 at 1:29 pm"You should not be here. Jesus, am I subtitled with the Papyrus font? Fuck it, I’ll speak English."
hahaha! That was the first thing I was thinking! They spend billions on that flick and resort to Papyrus??
January 27th, 2010 at 9:22 pmI thought the little face icons were funny and helpful for keeping track of who was who. Rod Hilton can't use those because he chose the dry, "real" movie script format for his parody!
I also liked how the Autotelic review went into more detail about the serious flaws in the plot and how it could have been better if it weren't pandering to idiots and giving the protagonist an easy way out of everything. So I don't mind when someone uses the same format for their parody when it's also very good.
January 28th, 2010 at 7:10 amI think it was supposed to be "Bra-fucking-Vo" maybe…?
January 28th, 2010 at 7:23 pmyou're absolutely right… you could go as far as calling it a fad
January 28th, 2010 at 8:16 pmWhile funny, Rod can do better than this. I can't wait for a Book of Eli rip, that movie has some serious potential for The-Editing-Room golden treatment.
January 28th, 2010 at 10:02 pmUnprecedented? He gives plenty of four stars… Star Trek has the same rating. And Star Wars Episode 3 is rated half a star more than this. Just look at the archives. I think it's safe to say that the cliché storyline diluted the Avatar experience at least a little bit for ol' Rod.
January 29th, 2010 at 11:38 pmI love your work, yet again, but you seem to have found plot holes that aren't there (although a lot that are).
Firstly, they aren't genetically identical: the Avatars have five fingers, the Na'vi have four. Secondly, he isn't the first to think of jumping on it, he's the fifth. Next, the mountains waterfalls evaporate almost immediately as the fall, as seen by the large mists that appear. And finally, this is over a 100 years in the future: that enhance technology and the ability to sustain a mobile base with either generators or large batteries exist now, so I'd say they also exist then.
You are right, however, about the clichees, the irony of the meaning and the furries.
January 31st, 2010 at 6:53 amThe differences between the avatars – whatever, man. Think about this: The avatar program merges human DNA and the Na'vi equivalent and creates a hybrid baby. Presumably they have some Judge Dredd quick-aging process, but they're still raising a person, from birth to maturity, in an isolation tank. This person's first experience out of the tank is to be mind-controlled. He is so deprived that when the invasive presence withdraws, he falls into a sleep from which he cannot be roused. People raised to be puppets. Where is the outrage?
January 31st, 2010 at 7:50 amThis was absolutely hilarious!!! The Duke Nukem part was great. I think that was an excellent job of analyzing this film. Great movie, but there were tons of inconsistencies. Great job Rod.
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:13 pmBLUE LAZ ALONSO
What?! I am blue with rage!
I don't know why but this had me falling out of my chair laughing.
February 2nd, 2010 at 6:08 pm*pat pat* Sure, whatever you say.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:43 amSeriously? Are you being completly serious right now. Princess Mononoke….. please. Go watch your little kids movie.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:51 amjust a pocahontas knock off it is the same story line with a lil tweaks and same initials jake sully john smith
February 4th, 2010 at 4:21 amyou mean like avatar, right?
February 4th, 2010 at 8:46 pmha!
February 4th, 2010 at 9:01 pmI never thought about that… But, truth be told, your plot hole can be filled with a little extra imagination from the viewers. Yes, that is asking a lot, probably too much, but it can be done. You see, in my mind it is possible that the Avatars don't have a mind of their own, rather are some sort of extremely advanced technological marvel. A mech warrior meets Pinocchio meets the matrix. Someone mentioned in a different post that this movie doesn't challenge the intelligence of the viewers. I disagree, this movie, with its surplus of plot holes, challenges the viewers to great lengths. It forces them to create story elements of their own, thus challenging them and their intelligence. The winners accept the movie then create what they need to keep the movie going and leave knowing the special effects were awesome. The losers leave mulling over the plot holes and wishing they hadn't wasted 3 hours of precious life. Both justified, rational approaches, but one was worth the $12 for a ticket.
Is it a proper MacGuffin? Sure, it's an ill-defined element that drives the plot, but they aren't competing for it; the Na'vi are completely disinterested in it, and if the humans could have somehow gotten to the Unobtainium without disturbing their sacred sites I doubt they would have cared.
February 5th, 2010 at 3:04 pmBlack is a colour.
February 6th, 2010 at 1:56 amGPS needs satellites to work. They wouldn't launch on a planet they just got on, moron.
February 8th, 2010 at 2:13 pm"the Avatars have five fingers, the Na'vi have four"
That's called polydactyly, which is an existing human genetic variation found in 1 in 1000 live births. There's no reason to expect that it wouldn't be similarly common in a race whose DNA can be mixed with ours.
February 9th, 2010 at 10:45 pmWord. I liked Avatar and I liked this rip on Avatar. Two entertaining moments for the price of one.
February 11th, 2010 at 3:25 pmWhile I won't stop liking the movie, I do agree that the final "bomb" should have been something more complex then a gross of beer cans taped together on a cart. It would at least make the situation seem a bit more serious.
February 11th, 2010 at 3:59 pmBut… they didn't "just get on." They've been there awhie… long enough to have crops and houses and a military hub… and some sort of history with the indigenous population where they once trusted them and now don't anymore. At least, I think that's what that photo implied, it's hard to tell with that fucking thing.
Poor Ashitaka..
February 12th, 2010 at 5:21 amYou mean launch satelites into space they just came from? Genius
February 13th, 2010 at 9:12 pm“Jesus, am I subtitled with the Papyrus font?”
THANK YOU. I saw the first subtitles and hissed to my husband “ITS FUCKING PAPYRUS didn’t this movie cost MILLIONS OF DOLLARS?!”. He unfortunately had no idea what I was talking about so I’m glad I’m not the only one who was surprised. They invented a new language and couldn’t find someone to make them a new font?!
“Somehow, I was the first guy to ever think of jumping onto the red flying pterodactyl from above.”
No shit. The cop-out of also cutting away from the sequence so that we couldn’t see him fighting with the thing was obnoxious as well.
February 16th, 2010 at 1:53 pmYour scripts are really very good, but there is something I found in many of them: the "there are caucasian guys playing in it, booo that means the movie is racist! Whites are all evil racists!" mentality repeated nearly every time. Isn't it a little too much?
February 18th, 2010 at 11:57 pmYou watched the entire movie without realizing they are not in space? Now that's hilarious
February 19th, 2010 at 10:25 amAwesome film. Awesome piss take. I love you Rod.
February 20th, 2010 at 12:42 pmROFL’ed at the Duke Nukem Forever reference.
February 20th, 2010 at 7:02 pmI'm an American 3GP, and its sad but what you just described there is exactly what American culture is! And it has been every since it first decided to be America. And it only offends the stupid people who think America is the promised land or something.
What's really odd is that you think Hollywood is Anti-American, when actually it's Anti-Arab.
February 21st, 2010 at 5:20 pmSo says the uncultured…..
February 21st, 2010 at 5:21 pmI highly agree with your opinion of Michelle Rodriguez! :D
February 21st, 2010 at 5:41 pmI loved the movie, and the script was quite hilarious!
One thing though: you guys moan so much that the plot is cliche and the same as many other films. Well the reason they had to make another & cooler reindition of Pocahontas, Dances With Wolves, The Last Samurai, etc, is because we stupid-ass Americans STILL don't get the point! Even after over 200 years!
February 21st, 2010 at 5:49 pm@Joshy206 -
The point about the mountains Joshy is that we are supposed to believe that there is some incredibly powerful force that is strong enough to make entire mountains float in the air…and yet the water is still FALLING. Why would one float and the other fall??
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:38 amAre you saying Mononoke Hime is for children? Because it has a higher MPAA rating than Avatar and features a bit of graphic violence and blood (Avatar was PG and Mononoke was 14a here). Actually, a lot of parents took their small children to this movie because they assumed "all animated movies are for kids" and were in for a rude awakening.
I enjoyed Avatar when I first saw it, but it is highly forgettable. A plot you can guess 10 minutes in, extremely 1 dimensional characters, etc. Mononoke's story, setting and characters are all miles ahead of Avatar and still looks wonderful, despite coming out in 1997. If you missed it because you assumed it was a kid's movie, you are really missing out.
February 23rd, 2010 at 11:21 pmyou have captured the stupidity of this story perfectly. I think I love you.
February 25th, 2010 at 3:09 amThat shit about Pandora is so fucking true!
February 27th, 2010 at 8:06 pmI read this right after I saw the movie (in 3D as well) and this is spot on Rod. Everything you mocked, I was thinking when I was watching it. But, you forgot to add the stupid fact that in the year 2154, despite the fact they can travel to other planets and all the rest, they can't make fucking glass that can withstand arrows!
March 1st, 2010 at 3:19 amSomebody said: "the only reason i watch some of these stupid movies is so i can read these scripts afterwards and LOL! thanks Rod! "
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:49 pmI concur.
I'm going to hate myself for doing this, but my geeky essence is rising to the occasion …
The Hallelujah Mountains are supposed to be suspended by magnetic repulsion. The region generates powerful EM fields, due to blah de boodle gloop, and the superconducting unobtanium in the bedrock levitates in these fields. For water, which is diamagnetic, gravitational attraction acts more strongly than magnetic repulsion (except in certain controlled circumstances).
Looking at the stills, I unfortunately have to give James Cameron credit for explaining the water's origin, too. These boulders levitate well into the cloud layer, and on Earth, clouds do condense into streams on high altitude mountains. In Costa Rica, some forests are so high that they don't actually receive rain, but rather a constant mist from the clouds moving through them. Like Venezuela's Angel Falls, the Hallelujah waterfalls diffuse long before reaching the ground, returning to the clouds and creating a local water cycle.
I spent far, far too much time on this. :(
March 6th, 2010 at 2:04 amWell it makes a sound explaination. It is nice to have an excuse for the graphics, ha ha. txs.
March 7th, 2010 at 4:47 amDoes anybody remember when film making *wasn't* dependent upon Moore's Law?
March 7th, 2010 at 12:01 pmYou wanna nitpick the methane but not the *hydrogen fucking cyanide*? Because Prussian Blue has never been known to infiltrate human tissue via skin contact alone… "Make sure you wear that facemask, Marine, because that's all that's keeping you from quick death."
"On the other hand, if what you're looking for is slower, more painful death due to long-term exposure of a majority of your skin and hair to a highly-absorbent toxin which builds up in your liver until said liver can no longer function, then please feel free to wear a facemask and no other protective clothing at all."
March 10th, 2010 at 1:03 pmUmm – they were on a planet. Yes, it's a BS planet somewhere in "space", but that doesn't mean "space-bound in a pure O2 environment, OMG!"
March 10th, 2010 at 1:36 pmIt was printed on my screen and everything!
As an American, I feel so violated. It's like everything I've ever believed has been uprooted and torn asunder! Like the Hometree was. Thank you, thank you Ms. 'This wont be printed' for pointing out my evil and hypocritical thoughts before you came along!
March 10th, 2010 at 1:45 pmgoddamn, this movie sucked. only brainwashed sheep like this piece of shit.
oh, and thanks to mr. cameron for reintroducing 3d to the world. ruining cinema, bit by bit.
March 14th, 2010 at 6:31 pmSeriously! I started coming to this site because of the Harry Potter parodies. I LOVE those movies, but it's also hilarious to see him totally rip them apart and point out all their flaws, big and small. It's just as much fun to poke fun at stuff you love as it is to mock stuff you hate.
April 22nd, 2010 at 2:59 pmAvatar was such a disappointment. Good thing Lang with his scars and Weaver both warn the audience of all the dangers Sam will be facing. Too bad we never see the avatar OR sam's real body encounter any damage after he meets the Na'vi in this supposedly dangerous world we see in the second act. He doesn't even get nibbled on while he's unconscious for countless hours at the base of the blown up home tree. What happened to the panthers and the triceritops? Oh wait, they're in a holding pen with the other extras waiting for the third act. Chilling how dangerous it was for Sam with his real body was wasting away — ooh bony knees and drama! Who needs a large animal mistaking Sam's tin shack for a meal to make things interesting, right? Worse, in a time where they have are battletech, and floating computer screens, one would have thought that the scientists would have thunk up something better making Sam use video diaries after the fact to record what is a multi-billion dollar experiment. "Oh that's okay. We scientists will just take your word for what you saw and experienced." Meanwhile the avatar is not given any GPS or live feed with the scientists. Wow, brilliant; this means Sam the avatar will HAVE to learn the Na'Vi language and get to learn the true meaning of "I see you" bullshit. OOoh and then Lang and Ribisi can USE that Sam's unnecessary video diary to prove their point and blow up the hometree. Meanwhile Sam never makes any attempt EVER, I repeat EVER, to get the tribe to leave even after he is CHOSEN by the tree sprites and given status in the tribe. Sam is one fuckin' loser. He'd rather fuck a blue cat then actually try to save the lives of her tribe from imminent destruction. Man, don't interrupt Sam's Blue Cancun vacay with shit important to the plot or something important to a decent human being. Man, Cameron really pinched this one out, but he can wipe his ass with gold bars so FTW, right?
April 22nd, 2010 at 11:30 pmYou missed an important one:
May 1st, 2010 at 2:35 pm"why are we doing a bombing run on a fully hover-capable craft? While we're at it, we have freakin space stations! why aren't we bombing them from orbit?…oh sorry, have to die now because our general used to ceo for GM"
II just stumbled across this. I was looking for the real script. I didn't get to see this film in the theater. Nearest theater is an hour and a half away, and money is to tight to spend the gas for the journey and buy tickets. But i was able to rent it for a dollar the other day and I thought it was great! Then I stumble across this script. ROFLOL. this was great! wish I could have seen it in the theater, did't know it was 3 D. that explains a lot.
thanks for the funny retelling.
June 7th, 2010 at 7:17 amNo… what you are referring to is NATIONALITY. Please stop calling people stupid.
June 21st, 2010 at 9:03 amI hope you die you mouth breathing moron.
June 27th, 2010 at 11:00 pmOMG LOL! Loved it!
July 1st, 2010 at 8:54 amI think I should point out that Zoe Saldana is actually half black, half latina. Notice how she usually plays black characters in movies (Guess Who, Star Trek)
July 24th, 2010 at 12:50 am