THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS
The Abridged Script
INT. MINES - FLASHBACK
We pan quickly over the interior of the cave in which IAN MCKELLEN DIED and watch him fight the FIRE DEMON THING.
Boy, I sure am excited about this movie. At a time when film heroes are replaced with CGI models, it sure is nice to sit and watch a movie which doesn't feel mostly like a 3D cartoon.
CGI IAN MCKELLEN plummets into the abyss below, riding CGI FIRE MONSTER in a ridiculous, cartoony way. They fall, and fall, and fall, and fall. The scene goes on forever, only to end abruptly with...
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. LUSH MOUNTAINS
ELIJAH WOOD awakens from a nightmare!
Ahh! CGI! Everywhere! The destruction of modern cinema!
What is it, Elijah? Your constant expression of infinite worry appears slightly more defined than usual.
Huh? Oh.. nothing.. I dreamed that I was the star in an epic adventure story that reduced itself to a just another mindless CGI cartoon by the second part.
Oh, well don't worry, our epic uses CGI only when crucial, and it tends to do so in subtle ways - mostly for rendering enormous crowds of people and vivid landscapes; never for something that the audience would really focus on.
Suddenly, CGI GOLLUM appears.
Hi. I speak in a really obnoxious manner and exist to apparently only slow the movie down and add occasional attempts at humor.
But this is entirely unlike Jar Jar, who sucks! Give this man some awards!
I want the ring, but more importantly, I want to be loved. I will lead you to Mordor.
EXT. THE WOODS
BILLY BOYD and DOMINIC MONAGHAN are being mistreated by THE EVIL ORCS who kidnapped them, while JOHN RHYS-DAVIES, ORLANDO BLOOM, and VIGGO MORTENSEN are on the trail, slowed down by the inappropriate comedy of JOHN'S inability to run.
RANDOM DISGUSTING ORC #1
Let's eat the annoying hobbits.
RANDOM DISGUSTING ORC #2
That's barbaric! Let's just eat their legs! That will surely feed at least half of one of us.
SUDDENLY KARL URBAN and his BAND OF PURPOSELESS SOLDIERS storm in and kill EVERYONE. BILLY and DOMINIC enter the woods, where they discover a GODDAMN TALKING TREE.
GODDAMN TALKING TREE
I... speak... slowly... and... I'm... incredibly... dull. How... can... I... help... you?
Well, you could let us ride you back and forth around the woods for the duration of this film, so that semi-interesting scenes can be interrupted needlessly to show the audience that we, indeed, are still riding a goddamn talking tree.
GODDAMN TALKING TREE
Only on the condition that everyone forgets that, if this were any other film, you would all think talking trees were stupid and childish, which they are.
They ride a slow-moving tree and don't ever seem to stop.
EXT. NEW ZEALAND
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES, ORLANDO BLOOM, and VIGGO MORTENSEN run into KARL URBAN and his SMALL BAND OF PURPOSELESS SOLDIERS.
We are looking for two hobbits. They would look like children to you.
Oh. Well, we killed everything that moved.
Yes, apparently I wouldn't put it past myself to have killed what appeared to be children. I'm still heroic though. Good luck.
He leaves to go nowhere in particular, since he basically has no goal.
My God, we were too late to help.
We have failed the Fellowship. Again.
VIGGO looks at the ground for a moment.
Oh wait, I can tell from this dirt, which holds hundreds of overlapping footprints and hoofprints, that the hobbits crawled their way out of a battle, cut their ropes, and ran into the woods.
They go into the woods, but luckily don't run into any talking trees.
A white wizard is near. Get ready to fail to kill him.
Suddenly, IAN MCKELLEN shows up, fresh from a shower!
I'm alive! And Christopher was right, it's really the second conditioning that makes all the difference.
Holy shit! I thought you died! What happened to you?
Well, I fought the fire demon thing, then I watched the ending of 2001 for a few minutes, then I was back here.
Have you seen Billy Boyd or Dominic Monaghan?
Yeah, they ran into me. If I was Christopher Lee like you thought, they'd have been killed by now.
Then we have failed the Fellowship. Yet again.
Yep. If you think about it, you guys have been pretty monumental failures so far. I'm pulling you off the Fellowship project. Let's go to Rohan and help Bernard Hill defend his kingdom. Maybe you'll actually be good at that.
EXT. MORE OF NEW ZEALAND
GOLLUM leads ELIJAH WOOD and SEAN ASTIN through more MOUNTAINS and a SWAMP and then SOME MORE MOUNTAINS and eventually arrives at the GATE OF MORDOR.
Cool. Thanks, Gollum. Come on, Astin, let's go destroy the ring.
Holy shit, that was your plan? Walk through the gate and hope for the best? How the fuck did you guys survive this far? Follow me, I'll take you to the secret entrance to Mordor.
Secret entrance? Why the hell didn't you tell us sooner?
Because then our part of the adventure would have been concise and entertaining, completely absent of useless scenes that could easily be edited out of the film. It would hardly belong in this trilogy at all!
They go in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DIRECTION to get to the SECRET ENTRANCE.
Jesus, what a complete waste of time so far. Two hours of adventuring, completely undone within seconds. What could possibly be more boring?
We are treated to more of BILLY and DOMINIC riding the GODDAMN TALKING TREE.
IAN and the REST OF THE FELLOWSHIP enter the village of ROHAN and greet the king, BERNARD HILL, who is actually CHRISTOPHER LEE.
The Power of Tolkien Compels You!
You are powerless against me!
He removes his robe to show his BRIGHT WHITE CLOAK.
Oh no! White! Suddenly I recognize your power!
I cast you out, unclean Wizard!
CHRISTOPHER LEE leaves the body of BERNARD HILL.
Wow, that was weird. Okay, so there's a big army of Orcs coming, eh? Let's all go to Helm's Deep, a fortress that seems unreasonably far away.
Everyone travels to HELM'S DEEP. Suddenly, they are attacked by an UNFINISHED SPECIAL EFFECT. A large battle ensues. VIGGO gets KILLED!
Here is a montage of breathtakingly dull scenes between Viggo and myself. One of them is a dream sequence that contains a fantasy future sequence. This is only here to remind you that I'm part of the story, so that you give a shit about me in the third film.
Eventually, the "soften edges" tool runs out of memory and the scene has to stop. VIGGO makes his way to HELM'S DEEP behind everyone else.
ELIJAH and SEAN have been taken CAPTIVE by ROHAN SOLDIERS.
Welcome to Gondor. What is your business around these parts?
I don't even know anymore. It seems like all I do in this movie is waste time so that the ring can be destroyed in the third movie instead of the second one.
Ring? The ring of power? I'm taking that.
Nevermind, that would be wrong. Be on your way. Good luck.
EXT. HELM'S DEEP
CRAIG PARKER and his ARMY OF ELVES show up to help. Everyone is ready for an ENORMOUS ANIMATED BATTLE. TEN THOUSAND ORCS arrive and storm the fortress.
OMFG ORC RUSH!!!!1
GAY! FUCK YOU GUYS!!
* BERNARD_HILL HAS LEFT THE GAME
Eventually, IAN MCKELLEN, KARL URBAN, and KARL'S ARMY WHICH IS NOW A HUNDRED TIMES LARGER show up! They win!
The RIDICULOUS GROUP OF TALKING TREES totally destroys CHRISTOPHER LEE'S BARRACKS. They win too, but they lose THE BATTLE TO NOT RUIN THE MOVIE.