Tea Leoni is outraged at the apparent level of racism in "Dinosaur Humor".


Tea Leoni is outraged at the apparent level of racism in "Dinosaur Humor".

JURASSIC PARK III

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. DINOSAUR ISLAND

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBURG is checking out the area. Suddenly, RAPTORS appear!

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBURG

Oh no! Raptors!

They eat the SCRIPT FOR JURASSIC PARK 3.

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBURG

Heavens! I guess I'll just have to use the script from the first movie combined with the tattered remains of the one the raptors ate. Eh, nobody will notice.

INT. LAURA DERN'S HOUSE

SAM NEILL and LAURA DERN sit at a table. For a moment we think they may have married each other, but it turns out they haven't. This misleading setup is SLIGHTLY CUTE, setting the film's trend of being JUST BARELY ENTERTAINING.

LAURA DERN

I was willing to return to the franchise for exactly two scenes. I hear you're willing to do the whole thing, Sam.

SAM NEILL

(smirking like a jackass)

Well the first one really got my career going. And then I saw how well handled the second one was and I really thought I missed out.

LAURA DERN

Er..

SAM NEILL

I mean, that could have been ME chasing dinosaurs around the city in a terribly absurd manner. I really missed the boat with that one. So here I am. William H. Macy and Téa Leoni have hired me to fly over the island and, since I'm a moron, I'm going to do it.

LAURA DERN

I hope you get eaten.

SAM NEILL

(smirking like a jackass)

I'll be fine. This movie is an extremely blatant rip-off of the first Jurassic Park and I survived that.

EXT. DINOSAUR ISLAND

Everyone arrives and, despite SAM NEILL's semi-apathetic protests, they land.

SAM NEILL

(smirking like a jackass)

You landed? You actually landed on an island full of free dinosaurs? Am I the only one here who actually SAW the other two movies? Are you all complete idiots?

TÉA LEONI

I am.

(cupping hands and yelling)

SON!? SON?! WHERE ARE YOU!? ARE YOU OVER THERE!? BECAUSE YOU CERTAINLY DON'T SEEM TO BE RIGHT HERE, AT THE ORIGIN POINT OF ALL THIS YELLING!

Amazingly, a DINOSAUR shows up and eats the helpless crew people.

TÉA LEONI

Unbelievable. Who would have thought that yelling endlessly would attract things that could kill us. Hi everyone, I'm a worthless dungheap.

SAM NEILL

(smirking like a jackass)

Jesus, you're the dumbest human alive. What would William H. Macy want with you? Hmm...that's a good question. Something isn't right.

WILLIAM H. MACY

I guess now is as good a time as any to explain things. Téa and I aren't married anymore. Our son went off with Téa's boyfriend or stepfather and got stranded here. I wanted you here because you've been on this island before.

SAM NEILL

No I haven't. I was in the first movie, not the second.

WILLIAM H. MACY

Oh. Whatever. I never really paid attention to any of them. They all kinda suck. Anyway, I know that I'm placing the lives of you and these crew people at risk, but hey, I'm selfish. Also, I'm not rich and the check I wrote is fake. I run a paint business.

(pause)

It's a good thing I'm such a likeable actor or I'd look like a real scumsucking piece of shit right now.

TÉA LEONI

Lucky you. I'm not likeable at all. In fact, I appear constantly spaced out and there's something vaguely annoying about the way I talk. Plus I keep yelling, so I'm putting everyone's lives as risk two fold.

SAM NEILL

(smirking like a jackass)

I see. Well it's a good thing I'm here to help you to escape alive. As an expert, I must advise you that the best defense against any dinosaur is to kick them in the mouth as much as possible. I also recommend fattening yourself up a bit and pricking yourself so you bleed every so often. Fuckers.

WILLIAM H. MACY

Gee, shucks. We ought to find our son. Please help, even though you aren't getting paid and we're both complete assholes.

SAM NEILL

Hey, wait, how were you able to convince the airplane pilot and crew people to come along on this trip? Unlike me, they wouldn't be so stupid as to risk their lives before making sure the check is valid.

WILLIAM H. MACY

Uh... HEY LOOK, DINOSAURS!

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG throws a dart at the WHEEL-O DINOSAURS and it lands on SPINOSAURAUS.

Suddenly, a SPINOSAURAUS APPEARS and eats a GUY WITH A CELL PHONE!

AUDIENCE

Finally, a movie where carrying a cell phone is a death mark. If only it were real life...

SAM NEILL

Let's run! Quick, into these bushes!

The dart lands on RAPTORS.

SAM NEILL

Oh no! Raptors! Let's run away from them into this big open field!

The dart lands on SPINOSAURAUS again.

SAM NEILL

Oh yeah, him.

The dart lands on T-REX.

The SPINOSAURAUS and T-REX fight. Through all of this, NOBODY DIES.

SAM NEILL

Everyone into the abandoned lab!

RAPTORS chase them.

SAM NEILL

(smirking like a jackass)

How will we ever escape? First, let's give back the raptor egg.

(he does so)

Good, now that we did that, they should probably just eat us right here.

The RAPTORS stare at the CAST.

WILLIAM H. MACY

Great! The raptors were killing machines in the other movies, but apparently they discriminate about what they eat now. How extremely lucky for us. Now if only they'd go away.

SAM NEILL

(smirking like a jackass)

The only way to truly escape is to use my Raptor Call.

He blows into his RAPTOR CALL.

RAPTOR

I don't understand what you mean by that.

He tries again, apparently now mastering the Raptor's language.

RAPTOR

Oh, you want us to leave. Well why didn't you just say so? See ya. Oh, and watch out for the Spinosauraus, cell phones give him indigestion and he gets really grumpy.

They LEAVE, illustrating that they are quite STUPID, despite the entire movie repeatedly insisting they were INTELLIGENT.

SAM NEILL

We must get to the coast! It is our only hope!

TÉA LEONI

Why? It's not like anyone will see us.

SAM NEILL

(smirking like a jackass)

Hey, we need some kind of damn goal. Otherwise, there would be no suspense!

WILLIAM H. MACY

Actually, there already is no suspense; I think everyone in the audience wants us to get chomped to bits.

Suddenly, we hear a CELL PHONE. This is REALLY ANNOYING, because it sounds like some ASSHOLE in the audience is getting a call.

SAM NEILL

That cell phone means the Spinosaurus is near! See, we used to know dinosaurs were approaching when water rippled. It was ominous and foreboding. Now they have a musical tone ring. I'm sure that doesn't make the dinosaurs less scary or anything.

THE SON

(appearing conveniently)

Hi! I've managed to survive all of these dinosaurs! You know why? Cause I'm a kid in a Jurassic Park movie! I AM INVINCIBLE!!

SAM NEILL

(smirking like a jackass)

Wow, you have T-Rex piss? I'm impressed, but you may not be able to see that through my wall of confident, smug-as-hell facial expressions. So how did you get that, anyway?

THE SON

I walked up to him and kicked his penis and yelled "Pee for me, motherfucker!" until he did. He couldn't do a damn thing about it - not in this movie!

SAM NEILL

Nice. I'm going to stick close to you since you can't get eaten. Let's walk through this fog until we meet up with some Pteranodons. They were finally used heavily in this movie because we can actually use computers to make them look real now!

THE SON

Hmm, not really.

They hear the CELL PHONE ringing.

SAM NEILL

Who keeps calling this thing anyway?

They find it in a pile of SPINOSAURAUS POOP.

SAM NEILL

Great, now I can call actress Laura Dern!

He does.

SAM NEILL

Oh no! I am unable to say anything into the phone to communicate my problem! Surely she will be able to deduce from some random grumbling sounds that I am on an island full of dinosaurs. Then she will use her Laura Dern Superpowers to save me!

WILLIAM H. MACY

We're gonna die.

They make it to the coast, upon where they discover a RIDICULOUSLY LARGE RESCUE TEAM and the EXTREMELY ABRUPT ENDING. LAURA DERN flies in on her Invisible Dernjet!

LAURA DERN

Hello Sam! Thought you could use a little help courtesy of my fantastic Dern Powers!

SAM NEILL

(smirking like a jackass)

Thanks Laura Dern! Tell me, how was someone in your position able to pull enough weight to get this enormous recuse team?

LAURA DERN

Well Sam, I think it's quite clear that Director Steven Spielburg has gone totally insane.

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBURG

Actually, I didn't direct this. Or write it. I really just threw money at Director Joe Johnston and repeatedly sent him copies of the first Jurassic Park. I was busy making A.I. unwatchable.

WILLIAM H. MACY

I can't decide if that makes this movie better or worse.

SAM NEILL

I can't imagine a whole lot that would make this movie worse.

The Pteranodons fly off as the credits roll.

SAM NEILL

Scratch that.

TÉA LEONI

Aww, look at the flying dinosaurs. They're so cute and dangerous.

SAM NEILL

Hey wait, why are we all okay with this? Dinosaurs are escaping.

WILLIAM H. MACY

Because if we cared, we'd have to do something about it. I want to go home and return to acting in good movies.

END


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