The Abridged Script
EXT. UNNAMED SHARK INFESTED BEACH - MEXICO
BLAKE LIVELY is showing off her thin and super toned post-pregnancy bikini bod.
I’m just a young, beautiful, well off blonde girl looking to catch some rad waves on this tubular beach...
...where my mom once came when she was pregnant with me and who is now dead from cancer. I also have nursing powers.
(sheds a single tear)
Great, now that you empathize with me let’s get to the sharkening!
CUE: TONS AND TONS AND FUCKING TONS(!!!) OF B ROLL SURFING FOOTAGE
That should juuuuust about get the running time over 80 minutes to qualify as a major motion picture.
BLAKE eventually meets TWO MALE SURFERS.
SHARK BAIT #1
Greetings Blake. I have a GoPro strapped to my head for foreshadowing reasons.
SHARK BAIT #2
Please come surf by us so we can at least be near a cute girl shortly before being brutally ripped apart in blood curdling agony.
Nah, I’m good over here where it’s safe, thanks.
CUE: QUITE A BIT MORE B ROLL SURFING FOOTAGE
CUE: SERIOUSLY, JUST WAAAAY TOO MUCH B ROLL FOOTAGE
THE SHARK APPEARS AND THE KILLING BEGINS!!! BLAKE gets out of the water to Skype with her SISTER and ESTRANGED FATHER.
Oh don’t mind us, we’re just helping to pad the running time just a teensie bit more.
Trust us, after this it’s just Blake sitting on a rock and talking to herself for 40 minutes.
BLAKE gets back in the water and
Holy shit there’s a dead whale in here. Where did this stinking whale corpse come from all of a sudden? It looks like somebody bit the fuck out of it.
(with dying breath)
BEHIND YOU BITCH!
BLAKE is knocked off her surfboard and is suddenly swimming in a pool of her own blood.
Fuck yo leg, Blake.
Wait, how the hell did your teeth manage to leave such a surgical V-shaped bite mark on my leg without taking a huge chunk of flesh with it?
Apparently I’m a 70s pimp and I attack my victims with a straight razor.
Well I managed to crawl on top of the dead whale where you can’t get me so leave me alone.
Are you kidding me? My girlfriend made me sit through all six seasons of Gossip Girl. Your ass is deader than fucking fried chicken.
Well I’ve managed to tourniquet my leg using my surfboard leash, and it seems I’m only 200 yards away from shore. All I need is someone to rescue me. Say, where did those shark bait guys go?
SHARK BAIT #1 AND #2
We’re already out of the water and we’re leaving in our jeep byeeeee!!!
But you guys are coming back to get eaten right?
SHARK BAIT #1 AND #2
Well a little kid found our GoPro in the opening scene and watched us get violently eviscerated which totally spoils that reveal, so yeah you bet!
(goes off to marinate in tub of KC Masterpiece)
Come on Blake, get down off that dead whale so I can make you a little less lively.
Eat me! Wait-- wrong choice of words--
The SHARK knocks BLAKE off the whale because SHARKS are malicious assholes. BLAKE swims over to a rock that just BARELY keeps her out of the water.
I think I’m going to need a bigger rock!
She uses her earrings as makeshift stitches to keep her lacerated leg skin from flopping around all over the place.
Wow, that was kind of badass, yet extremely brutal to watch. So, I guess I’m stuck on this rock with no one to talk to.
Sup, Blake. I’m your new co-star. It seems I’m wounded and trapped here just like you. Feel free to have long boring one-sided conversations with me.
At least you’re not a soccer ball. Now I just have to stay alive until I can be rescued.
That won’t happen before the high tide comes in and submerges your rock, and then you’re all mine Quint style.
But just then BLAKE spots a DRUNK GUY passed out on the beach.
Oh thank God! Get your drunk ass up and call for help! There’s a phone in my backpack on the beach along with all my other valuables!
I think you mean MY phone in MY backpack along with MY valuables! I’m not about to let the fact I’m loaded stop me from robbing a helpless Gringa blind.
(putting on bib)
Hey buddy, don’t forget her surfboard, it’s over here in the water next to my rows and rows of pyramid-shaped teeth.
Thanks for telling me pal! I’ll just go in the water for a second and be out in two shakes of a lambsAGAGAGAGAGAGAAAKKKKK!!!!
Well that guy kinda had it coming. It’s not like the shark has killed anyone who was totally innocent.
SHARK BAIT #1 AND #2
Hey that's our cue!
(dowses selves in Tabasco sauce)
(are served raw with an exquisite Bordeaux)
Luckily those guy’s GoPro survived being hit by a shark going 25 miles per hour.
Hi, my name is Blake. I used to be an immortal and I married Deadpool. I have 3 hours until high tide and then I’m shark food unless I can swim over to a nearby buoy.
Don’t try it, Blake. I’m the sharkiest shark who ever sharked a shark.
Luckily a school of jellyfish has conveniently appeared between my rock and the buoy! I’ll just swim through them and AW FUCK THEY BIT MY ARM!!!!!
Fuck yo arm, Blake.
Haha! Now to swoop in and kill Blake AW FUCK THEY BIT ME RIGHT IN THE GODDAMN FACE!!!!
Fuck yo face, shark.
BLAKE makes it to the buoy and finds a FLARE GUN.
Yes! I’ll just use these flares to signal that nearby boat!
Fuck yo flares, Blake.
(looks in the opposite direction)
Damnit! I just can’t seem to catch a break.
That’s strangely symbolic of your entire career up to this point.
Says the star of such classics as Sharknado and Jurassic Shark.
Hey fuck you Blake! I had to pay the bills somehow! Do you have any idea how much an underwater condo costs? Just for that I’m going to throw my entire weight against your buoy so I can knock you into the water, because eating a 98 pound woman who probably tastes like a suede couch is worth all this trouble.
But I still have this flare gun! I’ll use it to ignite the water around you!
Yeah right. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever--
ARGH THE FUCK?! WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!
The water’s surface was covered in whale blubber, which is flammable.
(still on more fire)
HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW THAT?! DID THEY TEACH YOU THAT AT NURSING ACADEMY?! OH TO HELL WITH THIS SHIT!
The SHARK capsizes the buoy and starts biting through its metal frame to get to BLAKE because it’s some kind of GENETICALLY ENHANCE MUTANT SHARK.
Holy crap, you broke the chain anchoring the buoy to the sea bed. I’ll just hold on to the chain and let it pull me down into the shallow water!
Wrong move, bitch! I’ll just chase you down there! You’re dead meat as soon as you reach the bottom! There’s no way out this time!
And to think, I only came to this beach to be closer to my mother, Martha.
Wait that’s my mom’s name too! I can’t kill a human who’s mother’s name is also Martha! I guess that means we’re best friends now-- hey what the hell are all these metal rods doing down her--
(impales self on sea spikes)
Yes I won! Too bad my leg is fucked and there’s no way in hell I have the strength or the oxygen to make it back to the surface before I drown.
But BLAKE survives anyway! Somehow!
Me too! Everybody that mattered lived!
Hooray! This really is the best shark movie since Jaws! Wait, are people actually saying that? Open Water for sure, but JAWS? We didn’t even have an iconic violin theme.
The MOVIE eventually ends up in the bargain bin next to SHARKTOPUS, MEGA SHARK VS CROCOSAURUS and RAIDERS OF THE LOST SHARK.