The Abridged Script
EXT. TROPICAL ISLAND
A bunch of WORKERS led by BOB PECK are loading a crate of VELOCIRAPTOR into an ENCLOSURE.
All right, the crate’s in position, somebody press the button to open the gate.
What, an automatic gate? You think this trillion-dollar ultra-high-tech theme park is made of money? Just stand completely unsecured on that nine-foot fence and lift it open with your bare hands already.
“Spared no expense” my ass.
The WORKER gets up and lifts open the GATE, but then the VELOCIRAPTOR slams into it, causing the CRATE to fly backwards and the WORKER to fall to the ground! Then instead of making a run for FREEDOM, the RAPTOR decides to prioritize EATING THE WORKER.
AAAGH, I LEVITATE IN TERROR!! Either that or the raptor is lifting me right over its head, which, come on. Just try to picture it.
Shit, why the hell don’t we sedate our animals during transportation like a normal zoo?
BOB tries to save the WORKER by HOLDING HIS HAND. This DOES NOT WORK.
EXT. MONTANA DIG SITE
SAM NEILL and LAURA DERN lead a team of PALEONTOLOGISTS digging up a VELOCIRAPTOR FOSSIL.
This specimen sure helps support the theory that dinosaurs are related to birds! Except for feathers, of course. Velociraptors TOTALLY didn’t have feathers.
Pfa ha ha, dinosaurs related to BIRDS? We professional paleontologists scoff at this idea which has been widely accepted in the academic community for decades!
You laugh, but consider this: the word “raptor” actually means “bird of prey”!
And the word “dinosaur” means “terrible lizard”, so what’s your point? Phylogeny through etymology: not a thing.
TEN-YEAR-OLD BOY WHO IS AT A PALEONTOLOGICAL DIG SITE IN THE DESERT FOR SOME REASON
That thing doesn’t look scary!
“Scary”? Who said that? What a weird thing to say. Since when is it the point of a dinosaur to be-
Oh, a KID. Well then, instead of attempting to engage you with the wonder of natural history, allow me to traumatize you with a gruesome description of your own disembowelment.
Why do you hate kids so much, Sam?
Oh, well, this movie’s a bit lean for anyone to have an actual character arc, so instead we’re going with a common Hollywood substitute called Karakter Ark Lite. You know how it goes: character is averse to thing, circumstances force character to be exposed to thing, character is no longer averse to thing.
Immersion therapy for idiots, got it.
A HELICOPTER arrives, and the PILOT indicates that SAM and LAURA should go to their TRAILER. They do so, to find RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH rummaging through their fridge.
Hello there! Hope you don’t mind the fact that I sent that helicopter over to blast corrosive sand all over your delicate fossils rather than simply walk a hundred feet to introduce myself. Or the fact that I barged into your property, rooted through your stuff and opened your special-occasion bottle of champagne. Apparently I haven’t the slightest idea how a human being is supposed to conduct himself, I’m like a fucking five year old.
Well we might be tempted to complain, but as you sign our paychecks we’ll just put those pesky spines back away and meekly submit to your entitled belligerent dickishness.
Excellent! I need you to come with me to inspect a top-secret project of mine and sign off on it. Do so and I’ll fully fund you for the next three years.
Great! After all, nothing makes for a completely unbiased and trustworthy endorsement like flagrant bribery.
SAM, LAURA and RICHARD are being flown over to the ISLAND. Also on board are MARTIN FERRERO and JEFF GOLDBLUM.
I’m a corporate lawyer.
(sprinkles salt and pepper on self)
I want to shut down Richard’s park to satisfy his jittery rich investors.
(slathers self in mayonnaise)
Of course I’ll change my mind completely when I see the park’s attractions and am overcome with pure unthinking greed.
(puts sprig of parsley in hair)
So Jeff, you’re the other expert Richard has brought in. So what’s your area of expertise relevant to a biological preserve? Do you manage a zoo? Do you have experience with large animals? Are you a security expert? Structural engineer? What?
I’m a theoretical mathematician.
...Oh. Well, I guess if your field is trendy at the moment the investors might have insisted-
Actually the investors didn’t want me. Because I’m too trendy.
So, what, Richard just wanted you along because he likes and respects you?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH.
Seriously, what the fuck am I doing here?
EXT. JURASSIC PARK
They land on the ISLAND and take JEEPS out into a FIELD. There they see a LIVE BRACHIASAURUS HOLY SHIT!
DEAR GOD! This place, which was described to us as a biological preserve, created by a genetic engineering company, where they needed the help of some dinosaur experts, is a PRESERVE FOR GENETICALLY ENGINEERED DINOSAURS! ...Maybe we should have already cottoned on to that possibility.
Let me tell you how we were able to accomplish this. But since the audience isn’t going to want a heaping fuckton of dry scientific detail and chemical analyses and bar graphs like in the book, we’re going to go waaaaayyy over to the other extreme and show them a cutesy cartoon.
He takes them to the LAB and screens a CARTOON for them.
So we found fossilized mosquitos with dinosaur blood in them. The DNA was incomplete but we just jammed a bunch of frog into the holes and figured that’ll do.
Jesus, this seemed so plausible back in 1993 before regular people knew anything about genetics. Did I just see footage of a guy manually manipulating a strand of DNA using VR goggles? It’s like you’re going out of your way to be dated.
And hey, didn’t I point out earlier that you also have extinct plants? How the hell did you-
Say, let’s go watch a velociraptor hatch!
They head down to the HATCHERY, run by B.D.WONG.
Every single birth on the island takes place here. We only make girl dinosaurs so they can’t breed in the wild.
Pshaw, without having any actual suggestion as to how it could be remotely possible, I’m going to confidently predict that your all-female population will still breed. It’s literally impossible to stop animals from breeding, I tells ya!
Gee then, Bob Barker has been playing us for a bunch of suckers.
EXT. AUTOMATED TOUR
SAM, LAURA, JEFF and MARTIN are sent off to tour the island in AUTOMATED JEEPS. Along for the ride are RICHARD’S GRANKIDS, ARIANA RICHARDS and JOSEPH MAZZELLO.
Hi there! In order to not be a useless screaming burden like in the book, I’ve been given computer skills which will come in handy at some point.
And in order for ME to not be a useless screaming burden like in the book, I’ve got, uh... shit. I forgot I was supposed to pick something.
The TOUR BEGINS. They are driven past the habitats for the DILOPHOSAURUS and the TYRANNOSAURUS REX, but neither of them SHOW UP.
Maybe we’d be able to see them if the habitat designer didn’t follow the controversial “shove in as much foliage as possible until every possible thing is obscured by leaves” school of aesthetics.
Come on, this is Spielberg. There was never really any chance we’d get a look at any of the carnivores until the split second they were ready to start trying to bite our nards off.
INT. CONTROL ROOM
Meanwhile RICHARD is monitoring the TOUR from a COMMAND CENTER, accompanied by programmer WAYNE KNIGHT and chief engineer SAMUEL L. CHAINSMOKING JACKSON.
Hang on, I thought your official title was Samuel L. MOTHERFUCKING Jackson?
SAMUEL L. CHAINSMOKING JACKSON
It’s 1993, Rich. I don’t earn the “Motherfucking” until at least Pulp Fiction.
Say, have I mentioned lately how shittily paid I am? Because it’s true, you’re such a cheap son of a bitch. Only paying me the actual amount I voluntarily bid for this contract, what kind of bullshit is that! Bah!
Oh, and if some of your ultra-valuable dinosaur embryos go mysteriously missing later on, could you not remember how vocally and unreservedly disgruntled I am about everything? Thanks.
Holy shit, did I really turn over all the programming for the computer system of this huge, complex, hazardous facility to the LOWEST FUCKING BIDDER? You’re right, I am a cheap son of a bitch!
EXT. TRICERATOPS PADDOCK
Having gotten bored of the TOUR, the GUESTS all wander out of their CARS and into a FIELD where a VET is tending a SICK TRICERATOPS.
Really? No fences at all between the official tour and the territory of a giant prehistoric mega-rhino? That feels like a teensy bit of an oversight.
Huh, so the triceratops gets these poison-like symptoms every six to eight weeks, despite knowing not to eat the poison berries in its habitat? What an intriguing little mystery that we’ll drop immediately and never bother to explain.
Although, if you haven’t read the book, here you go: the trike’s been accidentally picking the berries off the ground when it periodically swallows fresh “gizzard stones”, rocks that help it grind its food. YOU’RE WELCOME.
For God’s sake guys, this movie’s been going for like an hour, let’s go back to the car so the dinosaurs can start eating us already!
INT. CONTROL ROOM
While nobody is looking, WAYNE turns off all the ELECTRIC FENCES in the PARK to allow him FREE TRAVEL to the DOCKS, and also disables all the TELEPHONES just to be a JERK.
Now to swipe those lucrative embryos from the lab. I’ve briefly disabled surveillance, so if anybody tries to check who did this robbery, they’ll just find a bit of missing footage that coincides precisely with my suspiciously long snack break! At a time when there are only like four employees on the whole island! And I’m the one who was specifically using his computer to shut down fences and stuff! This is such an unbelievably shitty plan!
He grabs the EMBRYOS and speeds off in a JEEP.
EXT. T-REX PADDOCK
Everybody except LAURA is back in the CARS when suddenly the T-REX shows up!
SHIIIT, I’M OUTTA HERE!! Keep in mind that we don't know yet that the fences have been turned off, so I’m just crapping my pants at the sight of a particularly mean-looking zoo animal!
MARTIN sprints off and takes refuge between TWO SLICES OF BREAD. Meanwhile the T-REX breaks out of its ENCLOSURE!
RAAAAHHHH!!! RRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!! IF I JUST KEEP SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, SURELY THE PREY WILL KNOW TO STICK AROUND AND GET EATEN! RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
ARIANA flips out and the T-REX goes over and starts ripping apart the KIDS’ CAR. So SAM attracts its attention away by distracting it with a FLARE, then JEFF attracts its attention from the FLARE by distracting it with a JEFF.
Mmm, mathematician! Oh wait, what’s that written on his back? “Played by Famous Actor; Do Not Eat”. Shit! Guess I’ll just, uh, headbutt him through a wall for some reason?
It DOES SO, and in the process finds and eats MARTIN. Then it wheels back for SAM and the KIDS.
Stay still kids! Its vision is based on movement, according to a theory which was discredited embarrassingly shortly after this film was released!
Hey, where’d everybody go?
Damn, why do I even bother sniffing around when I couldn’t pick up an animal’s scent if I was literally smelling their face from inches away? What do these giant nostrils even do anyway? Screw this, I’m chucking a hissy fit!
The T-REX just starts ramming the CAR through the BROKEN FENCE.
Yeah, just pushing this car into my paddock for no reason sure eases the stress of-
(car drops into tree)
“Drops”? Wait, what’s a thirty-foot concrete cliff doing on the other side of that fence? I - I could’ve sworn that was my habitat just a minute ago.
Well what the fuck do I do now? All my stuff was in there! RRAAAHHH!
Anyway, somewhere in all that SAM and the KIDS wind up stranded at the bottom of the CLIFF.
EXT. ROAD TO THE DOCKS
WAYNE has gotten LOST on the way to the DOCKS.
Yep, apparently I worked out this trip until I had it timed down to the minute, but still don't know the way without street signs. This continues to be a very well-thought-out plan!
He gets his CAR jammed in MUD and gets out to WINCH IT FREE, when he runs into a DILOPHOSAURUS!
RAAHHH, check out my crazy frilled neck and spit attack! There’s no paleontological evidence for either of those things, we’re totally just making shit up here!
The DILOPHOSAURUS SPITS in WAYNE’S FACE and he SCREAMS and SCREAMS and SCREAMS.
I hope you all paid attention during the tour scene, to that voice in the background briefly mentioning that dilophosaurus spit blinds people. Otherwise I’d look like a humongous pansy right now.
Excellent, now’s the perfect time to attack him!
But instead I’ll just walk right past him and climb into his car, because I presumably have dino-ADHD.
WAYNE gets back into the CAR and gets AMBUSHED by the DILOPHOSAURUS.
Haha, gotcha! ...Aaand now I’m totally trapped in here. Shit.
EXT. T-REX PADDOCK
LAURA and BOB come to try and FIND EVERYONE. All they find is JEFF and the unappetizing parts of MARTIN.
Argh, my leg’s torn up! Yep, having served no story purpose at all so far, now they’re putting me on the bench for the rest of the movie. But I can still be the main character of the sequel, right?
LAURA and BOB go down to the bottom of the CLIFF and find SAM AND THE KIDS’ FOOTPRINTS heading off into the PARK. They then do NOTHING WHATSOEVER WITH THIS INFORMATION and just head back to their JEEP, but as they near it the T-REX shows up!
Aw shit! I don’t suppose either of you know the trick where you stay still so the T-Rex ignores you?
I certainly should, being the game warden and all.
Hell, I was right there when Sam talked about it at the beginning of the movie.
They RUN RUN RUN and then DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE and generally move as much as humanly possible, and the T-REX CHASES and CHASES and CHASES and gives up and leaves.
We enter the HOBBIT portion of the film, as SAM and ARIANA and JOSEPH WALK and WALK.
Come on kids, follow me and just assume I have some idea which the hell way we should be going.
They see a flock of GALLIMIMUS, which then switch direction and start running RIGHT AT THEM!
Run, kids! Not sideways out of their path, but in the same direction as them, Prometheus-style!
Shiiit! This might be an intense scene if these things didn’t seem to be perfectly capable of just not colliding with us!
Suddenly the T-REX comes out of nowhere and ATTACKS THE HERD!
Wow you guys are incompetent. It’s not like I was chasing you, you just flocked directly towards a twenty-foot-tall predator, you nimrods!
SAM and the KIDS sneak away and continue walking and walking. Eventually they come across a bunch of DINOSAUR EGG SHELLS.
Holy crap, the dinosaurs have been breeding! Some of the females must have switched genders, using a trait inherited from their snippets of frog DNA!
Looks like Jeff was right after all - life does find a way!
Huh? Don’t be stupid, this isn’t a case of life being adaptive and resourceful. It’s a case of the dinosaurs being CRAZY LUCKY that the scientists put in some random DNA that just HAPPENED to be from an animal with the very specific trait they needed to overcome their breeding problem, and that said trait was the ONE THING they actually inherited from that animal. Let's face it, life just stumbled drunkenly into this one.
INT. CONTROL ROOM
SAMUEL L. CHAINSMOKING JACKSON
Damnit, I haven’t been able to reverse whatever Wayne did! We’ll just have to reboot the system.
So wait, after all this futzing around our big ingenious ploy to fix the park is... to turn it off and on again?
SAMUEL L. CHAINSMOKING JACKSON
I know, I know, insert tech support joke here.
They REBOOT THE SYSTEM.
SAMUEL L. CHAINSMOKING JACKSON
All right, it worked! Now I just have to nip over to turn the power on in the utility shed, traversing monster-infested jungle to get there. Easy Peasy!
(strolls off, whistling a jaunty tune)
But a while later SAMUEL has not RETURNED.
Uh oh. I’d better go see what happened.
I’ll go with you to protect you with my hunter skills and guns. Really not sure why I didn’t make this offer to Samuel.
LAURA and BOB head towards the UTILITY SHED. But then BOB detects the presence of RAPTORS!
They’re hunting us! Quick Laura, start sprinting loudly through the brush, while I stay here perfectly still and quiet, all dressed in camouflage-y clothes.
This plan is intended to keep YOU safe, of course.
LAURA runs off while BOB ve-e-e-ery slo-o-o-owly aims a gun at the RAPTOR he can see.
Okay, now everything will be fine once I kill this one stationary raptor, seeings as raptors don’t hunt in packs or attempt flanking manoeuvres or anything. I mean if they did, as game warden I’d surely be well aware of such tactics and be preventing against-
A SECOND RAPTOR pokes its FACE out of the FOLIAGE NEXT TO BOB.
Very well done, but don’t you think that stopping to pose for several seconds kind of defeats the purpose of-
The RAPTOR kills BOB, apparently by CHEWING ON HIS HEAD.
EXT. ELECTRIC FENCE
Just at the time that LAURA is restoring the POWER, JOSEPH is in the middle of climbing over an ELECTRIC FENCE.
Well this is some stupidly coincidental timing, isn’t it.
Hey, am I the only one starting to notice how the whole time we’ve been trekking across this park full of monsters, us three haven’t faced anything more dangerous than some herbivores or a tree or now a fence?
JOSEPH is ELECTROCUTED and FALLS, but SAM just uses CPR ON HIM because this is a MOVIE and therefore CPR CAN CURE LITERALLY ANYTHING.
INT. UTILITY SHED
All right, we restarted the computers back in the control room, then we turned on the power out in the utility shed, now the fences and phones are working, yes?
Actually now you have to come BACK to the visitor’s center and use a computer to activate-
Just keep adding steps until we get up to feature running length, got it.
Suddenly a RAPTOR attacks her!
(tangled in pipes)
Shit! This worked a lot better last time. Give me a second.
LAURA RUNS RUNS RUNS! She hides against a wall, when suddenly a MAN puts his ARM on her shoulder.
Oh Samuel! You’re alive after OH GOD IT’S JUST SAMUEL’S ARM, EWWW!!
Which... the raptors carefully propped up on some high shelf or something so it’d come down when I nudged it?
It was a lot of work, but totally worth it! You should have seen the look on your face.
LAURA RUNS RUNS RUNS THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!
INT. VISITOR’S CENTER
SAM and the KIDS finally make it back to the VISITOR’S CENTER.
All right, I’m gonna go meet up with Laura. You two should be fine by yourselves, I doubt that in the next ten minutes some raptors are gonna pick this building, out of the entire fucking island, to snoop around in. I mean what kind of shitty luck would that be?
SAM leaves and then a few minutes later RAPTORS SHOW UP! The KIDS try and hide in the KITCHEN.
All right, you wait near the door to ambush them, I’ll herd them towards-
Look, I’m tired of the whole intelligent pack hunting thing. Can’t we go to Plan B?
Every time you see a human, shriek and charge? Sure, sounds like fun.
The KIDS manage to ELUDE THE RAPTORS then they RUN RUN RUN and meet up with SAM and LAURA in some kind of OFFICE.
Oh look, a computer! Time for my leet hacker skillz to come into play!
She opens the “Everything” folder and clicks on “Make Everything Work”. Everything works now!
Well that was depressingly easy. It would’ve taken me all of five seconds if the OS didn’t use such an over-elaborate GUI full of super-slo-mo animations.
SAM calls RICHARD and gets him to call in the HELICOPTER. But then RAPTORS BREACH THE ROOM! They RUN RUN RUN until eventually the RAPTORS have them CORNERED in the ATRIUM.
Well I’m officially out of ideas. I guess we’ll just stand here like chumps and get eaten, unless someone or something were to heroically swoop in and save the day.
Fortunately, who should swoop in at that moment but... a ONE-ARMED, FLAMETHROWER-WIELDING SAMUEL L. JACKSON RIDING A GALLIMIMUS!
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Sadly, no. There is no room in any one movie for that much awesome. But what really happens is pretty fucking close.
That’s right, it’s really the T-REX!!!
Yes everybody, I’m here! Judging from the fact that you didn’t hear any of my earth-shaking footsteps, presumably I’ve been here the whole time. You guys just burst in and started smashing everything and never noticed I was standing there. It was super awkward, guys.
LAURA and SAM and the KIDS run out of there, and they meet up with RICHARD and JEFF and they all jump on the HELICOPTER and FLY AWAY!
Good to see everybody made - wait a minute, where’s Bob?
Uh... I guess we just leapt to the assumption he was dead? Good thing for us we’re right.
Well Mr. Attenborough, your park is a piece of shit. I presume now you’ll be sending people in to bomb the fuck out of it, like in the book?
Nah. I’ll just leave the innocent-seeming tropical island - both islands, as it later turns out - sitting there with their populations of prehistoric beasts running wild. Some of which can fly.
Sounds like you haven’t learned a damn thing about ethics or responsibility.
True, but trust me, twenty years from now this franchise will be really fucking grateful for this.