Tim prepares to unhinge his jaw and devour Armie's upper lip.


Tim prepares to unhinge his jaw and devour Armie's upper lip.

CALL ME BY YOUR NAME

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. BEAUTIFUL, SCENIC NABOO ITALY

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET is busy doing NOTHING when gorgeous hunk ARMIE HAMMER arrives to also do NOTHING.

ARMIE HAMMER

So what do people do around here?

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Wait for the plot to kick in.

ARMIE HAMMER

And what do they do when the plot does kick in? Wait for it to end?

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Wait for the steamy gay sex, I assume.

(pause)

Um, spoiler.

ARMIE wastes no time after hearing THAT and madly gropes TIMOTHÉE'S SHOULDERS. He also changes into short-shorts so tiny that American teenage girls would find them over the line. Seriously, they're made out of dental floss or something.

Parents MICHAEL STUHLBARG and someone who's NOT MICHAEL STUHLBARG are also there.

MICHAEL STUHLBARG

Who wants some apricot juice?

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

No thanks. So what brings you here, Armie?

ARMIE HAMMER

Allegedly I'm Michael's assistant but really I'm here to lay around, read some books, go swimming, and frolic in the grass.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Hey, those are all MY favorite things to do! We have so much in common.

MICHAEL STUHLBARG

More apricot juice! Would anybody like this apricot juice?

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

We're good, Dad. So I'm also a complete musical prodigy for no reason at all.

ARMIE HAMMER

And we're also both Jewish. I'd say that's enough characterization, let's see your buttcheeks.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

I will now pull down my pants and shove my butt in the camera. For you. Actually you're not even in this scene so I'm not sure what this is here for.

MICHAEL STUHLBARG

Just drink the FUCKING APRICOT JUICE I SWEAR TO GOD alright you got me I put Viagra in it I'm just hoping everything goes well between you two MATCHMAKER WHO'S PLAYING MATCHMAKER IT ISN'T ME HAHAHAHA NOPE

(juice slops everywhere)

ARMIE HAMMER

You ever wonder if Michael's hiding something?

EXT. THE SAME LUSH ITALIAN VISTAS

ARMIE makes out with some STRAIGHT CHICK.

ARMIE HAMMER

Now to mislead her, avoid her, and eventually dump her by leaping on a bus and fleeing the country without saying goodbye.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Oh I can top that! I, uh, TOTALLY was about to have sex with this girl last night. She was super into it. She rubbed pineapple on her legs. I have a thing for fruits.

ARMIE HAMMER

This makes me mad! For half a scene!

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Well now we ACTUALLY FUCKED, WHOA

ARMIE HAMMER

You and me or you and the girl?

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Me and the girl.

ARMIE HAMMER

FUCK! I mean, good for you!

This causes NO CONFLICT.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Wait, really? I'm sorry I said anything.

ARMIE HAMMER

Just pretend you never did. I mean, I slept with Leonardo DiCaprio once.

GIRL

I don't suppose I get any characterization or depth or-

MICHAEL STUHLBARG

(barging in)

I HAVE MORE FUCKING APRICOT JUICE, what is wrong with this movie, it's like every scene is either apricots or bicycles, anyway I'll just be over here staring at some pictures of hunky naked male statues and IGNORE ME

Despite MICHAEL being a talented actor, THE WORLD goes ahead and takes him up on that.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

I'm going to stick my head in Armie's shorts.

Meanwhile NOTHING continues to happen for a while, and eventually SUFJAN STEVENS plays. Immediately the film is nominated for Oscars and its Rotten Tomatoes score goes to 1000% and it retroactively CREAMS THREE BILLBOARDS AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES and causes LIBERALS to love DONALD TRUMP and DONALD TRUMP to love the ENVIRONMENT because SUFJAN STEVENS could probably get a Transformers movie nominated for Best Picture just by BEING IN IT.

ARMIE HAMMER

Now is a great time for a bathroom break, audience! Because I'm going to pee right now.

ARMIE pees during the SUFJAN STEVENS SONG. Because you want your Oscar-nominated original score mixed with the sound of urine falling in a toilet.

EXT. A BEAUTIFUL MEADOW

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

So Armie, can we make out?

ARMIE HAMMER

I think the movie is two-thirds over, might as well start now.

TIMOTHÉE licks Armie's FACE.

ARMIE HAMMER

Uh, no. I don't know what made you think that was how kissing works, but now I completely regret this. Good-bye.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Noooo! I cannot BE without you! My heart is broken by the kiss we should not have shared! Take me back!

(grabs at Armie's genitals)

ARMIE HAMMER

Go away.

(pause)

We must have sex now.

They have shockingly bland STEAMY DELIGHTFUL SEX with a lot of close-ups on their thighs.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Oh my God! What is this? I'm having feelings for a fellow male! This is a serious question of my identity and sexual preferences as a young man that I have to-

ARMIE HAMMER

Yeah I know all that sounds interesting but that it could get in the way of me getting a cumshot so why don't we instead talk about the fact that you're cheating on your girlfriend WHO YOU SLEPT WITH EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Uh, that could get in the way of me getting a blowjob. I'd rather we just fuck more. Why don't we go for the No-Conflict-At-All route?

ARMIE HAMMER

What? Even Richard Linklater movies have conflict. Sort of. What are we supposed to do for the rest of the movie?

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

I can have sex with fruit, too!

ARMIE HAMMER

That was a weird joke, am I missing something?

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

(picking up a peach)

Joke?

Despite having just landed a HOT BOYFRIEND, TIMOTHÉE jams his dick inside a peach until he ejaculates. Then he lays there for roughly four hours without moving or washing his dick or throwing away the peach. Then ARMIE comes along, sucks his dick, and takes a huge bite out of the SALTY PEACH. This makes TIMOTHÉE sob with joy.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Is anyone else amused at the thought of the entire Academy voting block watching this?

EXT. MORE ROMANTIC LOCATIONS

They continue to frolic and kiss and hold hands and have sex while SEXUALLY ACTIVE GAY MEN in the audience wonder why this is supposed to be interesting.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Hold it! What will happen when my parents find out about our secret trysts?

MICHAEL STUHLBARG

Secret? Kid, do you think we're stupid? We've known all along, and we're totally supportive. In fact, we're going to pay for you guys to have a private getaway to some other romatic, albeit more private, location for three days.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

What about that I'm a minor?

MICHAEL STUHLBARG

The age of consent is fourteen here.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

So it's okay that I'm bicurious?

MICHAEL STUHLBARG

(big smile)

Son... I'm bicurious too.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Ha ha, nice South Park reference!

MICHAEL STUHLBARG

South Park? No, this is actually in the movie. Well don't forget that one day you'll be so old no one will ever want to have sex with you so you'd better do all the fucking you can. I probably shouldn't mention this is set about two years before AIDS becomes a thing. Good luck, kid. Apricot juice.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

I learned on the fourth of July that we're all gonna die. Thanks, Dad.

EXT. THE TRAIN STATION FROM "BEFORE SUNRISE"

ARMIE and TIMOTHÉE are saying good-bye.

ARMIE HAMMER

I guess this is it, huh.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Well I'll totally see you again, right?

ARMIE HAMMER

Uh, sure you will. Bye, peaches!

EXT. ITALY, BUT ALL THE COLOR NO LONGER HAS MEANING, FOR THE DELICIOUS ARMIE HAS LEFT US

GIRL

Hey Tim.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Uh-oh.

GIRL

I kinda figured you were cheating on me.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Erm... I guess you're mad?

GIRL

Of course not! We're best friends! What fun would this wish-fulfillment fantasy be if you had to face any consequences for your actions?

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Pretty certain we said the same thing about Twilight, years ago.

GIRL

Take Twilight, make it gay, remove the vampires. You're basically left with this movie. I'm Taylor Lautner.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Well Armie Hammer does sparkle in the sunlight, so I guess you're right.

INT. HOUSE

TIMOTHÉE gets a call from ARMIE.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Hey hey, what's up my little ranger? Feeling LONEly?

ARMIE HAMMER

I'm getting married.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

What? Oh no...

ARMIE HAMMER

That's right... I'm engaged to Sufjan Stevens! Turns out his songs aren't about God after all!

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Nooo! Who would've thought, all we had to do was take someone's boring sexual fantasy, hire good actors, and tack on a sad ending to make an Oscar-worthy drama?

ARMIE HAMMER

Well that seems harsh. I'm sure we have a chance to get together in the sequel.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

You mean the sequel the director confirmed will have one or both of us catching and dying of AIDS?

ARMIE HAMMER

Ha ha, nice joke.

(pause)

Please tell me that's a-

END

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