Rocky unleashes his patented ballpunch.


Rocky unleashes his patented ballpunch.

ROCKY BALBOA

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. PHILADELPHIA

SYLVESTER STALLONE walks around with BURT YOUNG, whining incessantly about his dead wife, who refused to appear in the movie and thus was written out.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Yo, I've been thinking about making another Rocky movie.

BURT YOUNG

Jesus, really? You're way too old, who would take that seriously?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Easy fix. I'll just make the movie about how Rocky is way too old and nobody takes him seriously. I have to do this, I have a lot of stuff in the basement.

BURT YOUNG

Like, emotions?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

No, I've been selling old junk out of my basement on eBay. I need to be in a movie that actually makes some money.

SYLVESTER walks around the restaurant he owns, pestering people endlessly and telling stories of his glory days.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Look what a nice guy I am. Everyone loves a washed-up boxer.

RESTAURANT PATRON

That's right, nothing builds an appetite like hearing about when you got your face all smashed up and bloodied.

ESPN uses a computer to generate a fight between STALLONE and the current champ, ANTONIO TARVER. STALLONE visits his son, MILO VENTIMIGLIA.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Yo, this computer on TV generated an entire fight between me and Antonio and I won. It made me do a lot of thinkin'.

MILO VENTIMIGLIA

About what? Obviously not "how computers work in real life" since you're writing this.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

No, I think I'm going to fight him.

MILO VENTIMIGLIA

Are we really expected to believe there's a single boxer in the world who would actually think fighting a senior citizen would help his career?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

I dunno, are we really expected to believe that a bunch of people with super powers would basically do nothing week after week until the season ends anti-climactically?

SYLVESTER visits a bar and finds GERALDINE HUGHES.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

I remember you. You're that little girl I met. Do you remember what you said to me?

GERALDINE HUGHES

Stop making Rocky movies?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

No, you said that if I've got fight left in me, I have to fight.

GERALDINE HUGHES

What? I didn't say that.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Yeah well, my memory isn't so great since I'm ridiculously fucking old. Seriously, I can't believe I got to make this movie.

SYLVESTER begins training. We are treated to a montage that includes scenes of SYLVESTER building muscle, doing pull-ups, and boxing meat. It doesn't include scenes of SYLVESTER rubbing Preparaton H on himself, complaining about the prices of things, and eating dinner at 4:00.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

I'm ready!

BURT YOUNG

How do you figure?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Because Antonio has never actually been punched!

BURT YOUNG

Right. Because he instantly knocks out his opponents. His young opponents. The ones who don't have wrinkled balls.

SYLVESTER and ANTONIO fight! SYLVESTER doesn't get killed!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

I survived! That's kind of like winning!

MILO VENTIMIGLIA

I'm so proud of you for not being slaughtered!

GERALDINE HUGHES

Truly you bring hope to everyone! In America, you CAN make a 6th sequel almost 20 years later!

BURT YOUNG

Yeah, what's next, another Rambo movie? Hah!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Great idea!

It's NOT.

END


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