Rocky Balboa: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jul 27th, 2007 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
EXT. PHILADELPHIA
SYLVESTER STALLONE walks around with BURT YOUNG, whining incessantly about his dead wife, who refused to appear in the movie and thus was written out.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Yo, I’ve been thinking about making another Rocky movie.
BURT YOUNG
Jesus, really? You’re way too old, who would take that seriously?
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Easy fix. I’ll just make the movie about how Rocky is way too old and nobody takes him seriously. I have to do this, I have a lot of stuff in the basement.
BURT YOUNG
Like, emotions?
SYLVESTER STALLONE
No, I’ve been selling old junk out of my basement on eBay. I need to be in a movie that actually makes some money.
SYLVESTER walks around the restaurant he owns, pestering people endlessly and telling stories of his glory days.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Look what a nice guy I am. Everyone loves a washed-up boxer.
RESTAURANT PATRON
That’s right, nothing builds an appetite like hearing about when you got your face all smashed up and bloodied.
ESPN uses a computer to generate a fight between STALLONE and the current champ, ANTONIO TARVER. STALLONE visits his son, MILO VENTIMIGLIA.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Yo, this computer on TV generated an entire fight between me and Antonio and I won. It made me do a lot of thinkin’.
MILO VENTIMIGLIA
About what? Obviously not “how computers work in real life” since you’re writing this.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
No, I think I’m going to fight him.
MILO VENTIMIGLIA
Are we really expected to believe there’s a single boxer in the world who would actually think fighting a senior citizen would help his career?
SYLVESTER STALLONE
I dunno, are we really expected to believe that a bunch of people with super powers would basically do nothing week after week until the season ends anti-climactically?
SYLVESTER visits a bar and finds GERALDINE HUGHES.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
I remember you. You’re that little girl I met. Do you remember what you said to me?
GERALDINE HUGHES
Stop making Rocky movies?
SYLVESTER STALLONE
No, you said that if I’ve got fight left in me, I have to fight.
GERALDINE HUGHES
What? I didn’t say that.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Yeah well, my memory isn’t so great since I’m ridiculously fucking old. Seriously, I can’t believe I got to make this movie.
SYLVESTER begins training. We are treated to a montage that includes scenes of SYLVESTER building muscle, doing pull-ups, and boxing meat. It doesn’t include scenes of SYLVESTER rubbing Preparaton H on himself, complaining about the prices of things, and eating dinner at 4:00.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
I’m ready!
BURT YOUNG
How do you figure?
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Because Antonio has never actually been punched!
BURT YOUNG
Right. Because he instantly knocks out his opponents. His young opponents. The ones who don’t have wrinkled balls.
SYLVESTER and ANTONIO fight! SYLVESTER doesn’t get killed!
SYLVESTER STALLONE
I survived! That’s kind of like winning!
MILO VENTIMIGLIA
I’m so proud of you for not being slaughtered!
GERALDINE HUGHES
Truly you bring hope to everyone! In America, you CAN make a 6th sequel almost 20 years later!
BURT YOUNG
Yeah, what’s next, another Rambo movie? Hah!
SYLVESTER STALLONE
Great idea!
It’s NOT.
END
Jesus Christ, thank you for that attack on Heroes. What a clusterfuck awful show. I fucking hate you, Heroes, you waste of life.
But the new Rambo will be awesome. He rips the heads off people and shit. Fucken’ AYE!
July 27th, 2007 at 9:43 pmRod, this one seems really half-assed. I hope you go all out for your spidey 3 script, god knows Mr. Raimi gave you plenty to work with.
July 27th, 2007 at 9:45 pmBeen reading these for a long time, great to be able to give some feedback and to see more regular updates, the sites looking great these days.
Have to respectfully disagree with ‘Cuntus the Magnificent’ re: Heroes, I think its a great show which peaked too early , in saying that the heroes gags in this are hilarious.
“I survived! That’s kind of like winning!” , had me chuckling.
July 28th, 2007 at 5:02 amRocky 7; Rocky faces his greatest challenge yet- prostate cancer. He gotta do what he gotta do!
July 28th, 2007 at 6:56 amawesome sthuff! Loved every bit of it. Da heroes reference was priceless. N da wrinkled balls…lmao.
July 28th, 2007 at 8:34 amRod u should realy think aboot writin a script for a movie ala kevin smith?
so what was so wrong with my comment you had to delete it?
i’m not here to harass or anything, so if that was some technical glitch, then i’ll say it again: i really would appreciate it if you could write scripts for all three pirates 3, spidey 3 and harry potter 5, since they’re really well-known blockbusters.
(i know this hasn’t got anything to do with the post, but do tell me next time if i’m violating commenting rules since i do like reading your scripts and would like some sort of warning rather than an unexplained deleted/missing post.)
thanks (and i’m still gonna spread good word of mouth, so no worries)!
July 29th, 2007 at 7:04 pmVery funny stuff here. I disagree with Alex, you can’t half ass a movie that only had a quarter-ass to begin with. I love the line about not understanding how computers work… great job
July 29th, 2007 at 7:40 pmGunneos:
Yeah, I deleted the comment because it was off topic. As soon as I hit delete, I decided I didn’t care enough to really delete it, but it was too late.
I’ll be doing Spidey 3 and Pirates 3. I can’t promise Potter though.
July 29th, 2007 at 8:41 pmgreat, thanks a lot for replying!
looking forward to those two scripts. =]
July 29th, 2007 at 9:18 pmSpidey 3 and Pirates 3 are both ripe for piss-taking. Looking forward to those scripts too.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:41 amYeah, the Potter flicks aren’t even worth the effort. It’d be like doing a parody of the Power Rangers or something… why bother?
July 30th, 2007 at 8:42 pmAs much as I enjoy hearing people point out the plot holes in Harry Potter, I’d say do whatever you want. At least you’re updating again!
August 1st, 2007 at 6:48 pmAddendum:
Haven’t seen this film, Rod (and don’t particularly want to either), but kudos is due to you for your attack on TV’s latest cult darling in this script. Nothing’s sacred here, is it?
PS The Harry Potter films are full of holes, Ryan - but they are far more enjoyable than Spider-Man 3 and Pirates 3 put together.
August 8th, 2007 at 5:50 amSYLVESTER STALLONE
I dunno, are we really expected to believe that a bunch of people with super powers would basically do nothing week after week until the season ends anti-climactically?
Touché.
September 10th, 2007 at 1:45 pm“you CAN make a 6th sequel almost 20 years later!”
It is actually over 30 years later. The first Rocky was in 1976.
BTW, Rod you rock! Ima great fan.
September 11th, 2007 at 5:16 amJ1Enter:
http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0100507/ :)
September 11th, 2007 at 5:54 am